i'm a girl with wild hair and a passionate heart

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" -Psalm 37:4

[alove926]

Sometimes I feel not mother enough...

...it's like deep in my bones and soul and body I love my son more then air itself. But this feels so daunting some moments. I feel like I'm not cut from the motherhood cloth and that I'm left just trying to fake it until I make it. I never had this overwhelming desire to be a mother and so it makes me feel less than since I never had that before. Motherhood looks effortless and easy for some; they fill their days with homemade meals and perfect outside play time. Where as for me it's sometimes dragging ourselves hour by hour until bedtime and I just want him to go to sleep peacefully so I can just decompress. It makes me feel selfish. I have had so many people ask and encourage me about another child but honestly I don't know that I would be mother enough to do it. I don't think I would have the patience and grace to love two as well as I can love one. Sometimes that makes me feel so bad that my child won't have a blood sibling but at the same time I don't want him to have a spent and emotionally drained mother. Knowing your limits is hard.

[alove926]

are you okay they ask I respond as quickly as I can so they will not notice the earthquakes in my voice or the tsunamis in my eyes or the drought in my heart - Ellen Everett

[alove926]

The bright spots in each day are the ones I'm clinging to in the darkness of night. Those beautiful sun-filled moments of pure joy and magic and love overflowing from my toddler towards me and the world go straight into this mental glass jar to reflect on then I feel overwhelmed. Just today we went from awe and wonder during a barn visit staring at the large beautiful horses to later on tonight a full blown tantrum trying to get his sleep sack on and me feeling completely D-O-N-E with that moment. Just twenty minutes before he was running around squealing with delight chasing the cats and enjoying his life, to wanting to prolong getting into his jammies getting ready for bed and making my teeth clench, then clinging tightly to me and patting my back as I pat his and sing him bedtime songs. Motherhood is something I always felt I would be good at but never felt like I needed to do. Now that I'm here and a mom I often find myself feeling like I'm failing all the time and overwhelmed by the day to day things that shouldn't feel overwhelming. I feel like I'm not cut out for it and in the same breath can't imagine doing it differently.

the back and forth feels like whiplash. It's been a long day. My husband is gone again. My toddler just got over a stomach bug and now has a skin rash. I'm trying to stay on top of laundry, keeping the house clean, cooking, and finding a moment to stay sane when he goes down for his nap. Praise Jesus for sunlight and fresh and and walking because those three things have allowed me to keep the small slice of sanity this last week. I miss my person, my partner, my help mate. I miss the quiet mornings and chill evenings and I know that one day I'll have those things back and will dream of my sons early childhood. But right now, I'm still very much in the thick of it.

[fallingforleavesandpumpkins]

[grayskymorning]

Amanda Pahls

[alove926]

The swirling spiral of thoughts. Feeling overwhelmed, touched out, and defeated. Loneliness is a constant and you have hardly any adult connections outside of your marriage in your day to day life. Yet even then your husband is gone all the time with work and you're left to tend to your toddler who is feeling big emotions, not wanting to eat anything of value, and you're struggling to keep it all together. As you read the same book for the 100th time to their sweet face and you hold them close as they cry and wail and over-feel you kind of find yourself wondering "is this what I'm doing now? is this all I am" Mom. Hair always tied up in a bun. No makeup. So much extra weight clinging on to your frame. Finding joy in using the restroom alone or being able to just sit and binge watch a tv show while your child naps. Cleaning the same pile of toys for the 10th time in one day. Crossing off an item on your cleaning schedule because it's the only way to keep your mind focused and in tact. Feeling like a shell of who you once were. Overwhelmed. A little resentful. Then guilty for feeling any feeling outside of joy that you're a mom and you have the privilege to stay at home with your child. These last few days have been tough days. Just big emotions, lots of tears and tantrums, that have all left me as his mom feeling defeated. Not having heard from my husband in days/weeks except for a rare email and that glorious 4.5 minute phone call to check on me. This isn't natural. Being married but being apart from your person. Parenting solo when you created life together. Today I'm down. Feeling like I'm drowning in thoughts and negative feelings. Praying tomorrow is better.

[snorlax-and-co]

[alove926]

the spiral

I was just able to pull myself out of the beginning of anxiety spiral.  My son woke up about an hour into his sleep and just sat there. My heart beat quickened and started hammering against my chest. My breaths came quickly and I felt my stomach drop. It triggered this thought of “oh no, he’s going to be/get sick” and I found myself absolutely spiraling until he fell back asleep. 

It’s easy to say “just let it go, if it happens it happens” or “see he’s just fine, nothing to worry about” and yet my brain keeps going. 

You’re alone. Your husband is gone (military).  You’ve got to watch your child be ill.  You’ll not get any sleep.  You....You....You... And your brain just won’t stop talking about you.  It doesn’t calm down.  It doesn’t silence itself.  It’s like a broken tape player on repeat.  Going.  Going. ...and going. 

I think the part I struggle with most right now is feeling absolutely alone.  A L O N E

It isn’t fully true. I’ve been making friends in this new city and we try to see each other and text decently often. I just returned from a trip home to see family. I’ve got my son and my two cats and we try to go to the playground and parks and schedule meet ups with others.  And yet.  My husband is gone and 98% of my days insist of talking to my toddler and having hardly any adult interaction or conversation. I get lost in audio books to try to keep my mind somewhat normal and then the mom guilt hits hard because I feel like I've got an ear bud in too often or my child is watching too much tv or he isn’t getting enough social interaction with other kids, or he isn’t eating enough variety, or XYZ.  Then the spiral starts again.  This time because of mom guilt. Not feeling good enough.  The house isn’t clean enough.  Everything doesn’t have a home so we need to purge.  I’m lazy and not cooking enough home made meals.  I’m fat and not taking care of my body.  I’m staying at home raising our son and not bringing anything financially to the table so I feel less then.  I spent too much money on groceries and unnecessary things.  I’m frivolous.  I’m greedy.  I’m not loving enough. 

Anxiety takes every good thing in my head and heart and tries to spin it into a web of lies.  It’s exhausting.  It makes me seem and feel like a Debbie downer when deep down I'm joyful and love life and new experiences. 

I know no one in my life reads these, and this post is just for me. But if you somehow stumble across this and feel the same, know you’re not alone; even when we feel that way.

[alove926]

Motherhood

As I got into my late twenties before I married my husband I never would have thought I would have children. In fact the night before our wedding I told my (now husband) that if he was expecting or NEEDING to have children to not pursue this and he could still run. He didn't. Over the years of our marriage the Lord began to soften my heart and I found myself having the desire to hear the little feet running through the home. We tried. We got pregnant. We had our son... ...and I could NEVER imagine my life without him. Watching his face light up when daddy walks in the room, his hands reaching up to me when he needs comfort, his mouth forming the words asking for a hug. It's truly TRULY the best thing. Thank you Lord for softening my heart and bringing this beautiful child into our lives.

[alove926]

My last real entry on love....I married him.  I married my best friend.  The absolute love of my life.  A man who continues to pursue me, who fiercely treasures me, and draws me closer to joy every single day. 

I couldn’t imagine my life in any other way.  Through all the pain, heartache, fear, doubt, and true torture getting to the place of meeting this man - I would do it all again 10 fold just to be called his and him to be called mine. 

We’ve been married just over a year and a half now and I still get goosebumps and cry thinking of our wedding vows and the covenant we made before each other and God for the rest of our lives. 

I will never take you for granted my love. 

[alove926]

i'm a girl with wild hair and a passionate heart turned 8 today!

[alove926]

i'm a girl with wild hair and a passionate heart turned 7 today!

[alove926]

...the thoughts of the future.

it’s only been 25 days of us being ‘official’...and yet i’m already contemplating our future together.  with our past dating experience, and you pursuing me for the last 5 months...it seems like all of the time has merged together to bleed into today.

it probably doesn’t help that you’re moving in just over two months...for two years. which we’ve already discussed that if this continues down the path we’re walking now, we’ll be married within that two year period. 

and boy is that scary.  marriage. it’s something i want to badly...yet wow, it could be a real possibility between the two of us. i was just talking to a friend about how much we’ve wanted commitment, but now that we have it within our grasp it’s frightening. 

you frighten me. more so - you’re love for me frightens me. what if i’m unable to return it at the same level? what if i hurt you, and you run? what if you leave me?

and then i remember your words of affirmation, your promises, and your actions proving them all to be true. you pursue me more than anything i’ve ever known.  you write me letters, and give me formal invitations for dates, and leave me firewood and slippers and hot tea. you rub my shoulders and hold me when i’m feeling down. you drive 45 minutes just to sit next to me for 10 minutes and give me a hug.  you are beyond amazing. and i think deep down i feel so unworthy of you. of who you are to me.  you’re so absolutely....set apart.  i think i’m falling in love with you. i think i may already be in love with you...and too fearful to admit it.

[alove926]

night four, home alone. when i feel bad, physically, i just curl up and wonder when.  when things will begin to fall into place. when my life will begin to make sense again.

when i’ll reflect Jesus the way i should.

when will i fully appreciate the little things?

when.

[twloha]

“The sun is perfect and you woke this morning. You have enough language in your mouth to be understood. You have a name, and someone wants to call it. Five fingers on your hand and someone wants to hold it. If we just start there, every beautiful thing that has and will ever exist is possible. If we start there, everything, for a moment, is right in the world.” - Warsan Shire

Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/212724782376293306/

[alove926]

...hiking and running through cobwebs with you - a bright moment that has been missing for a while. Laughter, dancing, baking a pie, sharing thoughts and smiles - brings me warmth. I've never met anyone like you.

[alove926]

“so i thought some space would be healthy, but i miss talking with you.”

i’ve typed and deleted “i miss you” at least 15 times today.