ren

i overthink, therefore i over am. own v&o.

[alparallon]

lately sobrang inis ko sa sarili ko kasi alam kong hindi ko na napagtutuunan ng pansin yung mga hobbies ko in life —

ilang filmfests na yung hindi ko nasunggaban.

ang dami ko pang nakatambak na librong gusto kong magkaroon ng panahong basahin.

pero looking back, i'm extremely grateful for friends who in spite of their busy schedules are always keen to hone and create with their craft —

nakabasa ako dahil nagsulat ang isa kong kaibigan tungkol sa pag-ibig that transcends worldly transitions.

nakapanood ako dahil nagdirek ng pelikula ang isa ko pang kaibigan para sa isa pa nilang kaibigan at kung paano nila dinedeal ang pighating kaakibat ng kanyang pagkawala.

makes me wonder, at malamang sa malamang, mukhang ako lang talaga ang humahadlang sa sarili kong kaligayahan. i need to make time for these things.

lately sobrang inis ko sa sarili ko kasi feel ko ubos na ubos na ako. isang makinang nauubusan na ng gas. pero laking pasasalamat ko sa mga kaibigang patuloy na gumagawa. because of them i get to fill my cup with more than enough para makatawid sa kung anong kailangan kong itawid.

cultural work, in its many forms, is humanity's protest in a system that boasts alienation that comes with its efficiency. mabuhay ang manggagawang kultural.

[alparallon]

soooo... i got a legit mechanical keyboard

not the mechanical-feel one, the actual mechanical one

it isnt hot swappable tho, at least not that i think

i didnt know typing can be this... enjoyable again? ive been living off of knock-offs for far too long

ive been snobbish of mechanical keyboards, with it noisily clacking while you type. but now i get it - it's part of the fun

kinda like how i enabled haptic feedback to actually feel im typing on a touchpad

[alparallon]

limang taon na pala kong walang matandaang matino:

1 taon ng heightened alert dahil sa threats sa opisina

2 taon ng lockdown-pandemya

1 taon ng pagrecuperate sa lockdown-pandemya [at mukhang pati sa threats? ewan haha]

1 taon ng life choices na apparently pilit na binlock ng utak ko yung ibang bagay to be able to concentrate on other stuff

mukhang hindi talaga ako marunong magprocess ng trauma

[alparallon]

hi, it's been a while~ i guess the trend sa blogfolio na'to would be that every january-ish lang siya na-a-update. it's giving ningas kugon~ such a vibe~

generally:

been busy with work

declared that i won't post anything anywhere anymore

broke that declaration

will try to post more, medyo marami-rami akong work-related output na gusto ko ipagmalaki lol. until then, manood muna tayo ng analysis on the national [ph] situation.

[alparallon]

malapit na inktober, di ko pa sure kung magpaparticipate ako. if ever man, i can prolly make it more of a logoctober.

dumping more recent photo collages! i'm still alive, medyo busy lang sa trabaho. marcos jr ang admin eh, laging kailangan doble-kayod.

[alparallon]

exercise lang hehe. sana same-day release rin sila dito sa pinas. ang gets ko july 21 is the us release eh. yes, the base is the viral barbie selfie generator. but since it doesn't allow changes sa text nung 'barbie' part, i had to improvise.

palm springs bg came from here. if it isnt palm springs or even california, sue them not me

[alparallon]

i'm sorry for not living up to your expectations.

i apologize for not living my life the way you envisioned it for me to live it. pero ganon naman na tayo simula't sapol 'di ba? may expectation ka, pero iba yung reality ko.

i'd like to chalk it up to our distance, to the amount of time we've spent together. but i knew since then, and as i continue to grow, na ginawa mo lang yung tingin mong makakapagbigay sa'yo ng kapayapaan sa gabi-gabi. na kahit masakit malayo sa amin, pinili mo pa rin ang malayo dahil sa isang banda payapa kang payapa kami.

and don't get me wrong i'm very grateful for that. kaya nga siguro may nararamdaman akong guilt sa tuwing nasasambit mo ang mga pangarap mo para sa'kin. kaya nga siguro nagsusulat ako, hapit sa alas dose ng gabi, kahit nasa kabilang kwarto ka at pwede kitang kausapin.

i'm incredibly sorry for not being the person you wanted me to be. again i'd like to blame the fact na wala ka formative years ko, but like i said i've come to terms with that. or, maybe i haven't, and that's why i'm still hung up on it.

but regardless -- katulad mo, i'm only living life the way i know how. and like you, this is what keeps my peace. the irony here is that my ease comes from a very dangerous life, but this is it. sana at some point magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob sabihin sa'yo ito kasi, sa totoo lang, eto na lang ang humahadlang sa'kin sa pagsungkit ko ng kapayapaan ko.

ang hirap rin kapag tumatanda ka na. when did we ever make our peace contingent to the peace of others? maybe this is the peace? this... absence of hostility?

kelan pa naging mahirap makipag-usap sa sarili mong dugo?

[alparallon]

again kunyari di ako late lol

"Halos anim na taon nang tinututulan ng mga operator at drivers ang polisiyang ito pero nanatiling bingi ang gobyerno sa kanilang panawagan at ipinagpapatuloy pa rin."

[alparallon]

kunyari di tayo late sa international working women's day, tribute ko na rin 'to kay kerima sorna

"It is important to recall the history of the IWD and the working class and anti-capitalist roots of the women’s movement in order to combat the attempts of the bourgeoisie and the reactionaries to obfuscate such roots, coopt the women’s movement and redirect it towards bourgeois feminism, liberalism, neoliberalism and all sorts bourgeois subjectivist currents against the working people, people’s democracy, socialism and communism in favor of the monopoly bourgeoisie, imperialism and all sorts of reaction."

[alparallon]

"You can fool all people some of the time and some people all the time. But you can never fool all people all the time."

--

[alparallon]

i dont recall a time i got to enjoy the night when i was in uni.

lagi kasi pag ginagabi ako either pagod na ako from all the walking around campus dahil sa layo ng mga buildings ng classes ko from each other, or bangag akong naglalakad dahil basag akong uminom mula sa mga gig places at bars ng maginhawa. may third option, which would be a thing that im going to admit for the first time - perhaps 3/4 of my college life i spent trying to forget painful memories of the past that i didnt have quite the space in my head to actually etch those that couldve been good ones at the moment in my mind.

this isnt to say that i didnt maximize my time in uni. im extremely grateful to be able to study at such a prestigious university (point to ponder: bakit may ganto tayong pagtingin kung isa itong state university), and moreso to be able to meet great people who i eventually had varying degrees of friendships with. its just that looking back, i get the feeling that the times i regretted things outweigh the times i cherished things. now aint that the way? sabi nga nila, wala kang pake sa isang bagay hanggat hindi mo nadarama ang pagkawala nito.

so yea. wala akong matandaang panahon na nalubos ko ang benefits ng isang gabi sa uni. siguro kung tumigil lang ako saglit para namnamin ang kapayapaan ng gabi sa campus, baka mas maayos akong nilalang ngayon. baka mas grounded, mas level-headed. mas... payapa.

ironically enough pero, mas nagkaroon pa ako ng panahong maging introspective sa campus noong nakaalis na ako sa pamantasan bilang estudyante.

sana sa mga nasa uni ngayon, mag-aaral man o hindi, naway malubos niyo ang gabi tulad ng paglubos niyo sa araw sa pamantasan.

[alparallon]

"At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality."

minsan naiisip kong mag-shut down na lang ule pero ang hirap na rin talaga. something quick cos i had some time and felt an itch.

[alparallon]

madalang kong malimutang nagtimpla akong kape.

-----

maaga akong nagsimulang uminom ng kape. pagsapit ko ng sapat na edad para maging socially acceptable coffee addict, naging coffee addict na 'ko. tanda niyo ba nung bata kayo - bawal uminom ng kape dahil nakakabansot daw ito? baka yun yung dahilan kung bakit tumigil na'kong tumangkad pagsampa ko ng bente.

umabot ang addiction ko sa puntong kape lang sa almusal sapat na. salamat sa katawan ko't hindi pa ako nagiging acidic. kape sa umaga, sa tanghali, sa gabi. minsan kong sinubukan uminom ng tsaa bilang panhalili, para kahit paano maiba naman. pero iba talaga ang tapang at di-hamak na mas iba ang lasa ng kape, kahit pa parehas ko silang nilalagyan ng creamer at asukal.

-----

makakalimutin akong tao. alam ng mundo kung gaano ako kabilis makalimot ng mga bagay, na ultimo yung hawak-hawak kong cellphone hinahanap ko dahil nalimutan kung saan huling naipatong. minsan hindi sadyang makalimot, minsan pinipilit makalimot. ain't that the way minsan? kung alin pa ang constantly ginagawa, siya pang nawawala sa isip. kung alin pa ang mahalaga, siya pang mabilis malimutan.

-----

pero madalang ako makalimot na nagtimpla akong kape. hindi ako masarap magtimpla ng kape, kahit na self-proclaimed coffee addict ako. though syempre taste is subjective, objectively alam kong hindi ako masarap magtimpla ng kape. nakatikim na ko ng masarap na kape. medyo mapait, ngunit tama lang ang nilagay na creamer at asukal to make you want it more. isa o dalawang beses ko lang successfully narecreate yung ganong lasa ng kape. pero masarap man o hindi ang naging timpla ko, madalang akong malamigan ng kape, liban na lang kung talagang ginawa itong malamig o maligamgam.

at this point siguro, naestablish ko nang mahalaga ang kape sa'kin. isa ito sa mga kakaunting bagay na kayang magbigay ng panandaliang saya mula sa pait ng buhay. isa ito sa mga naging constant sa buhay ko, kahit na erratic ang pagkakagawa ko nito.

-----

kanina, nalamigan akong kape.

[alparallon]

some photos from the vacation my family had last december. such a very wonderful place i most likely won't be able to visit again.

[alparallon]

starting 2023 off with a renewed sense of excitement for photo collage and keeping a folio. wishing all a [very much] belated happy gregorian calendar new year and a happy lunar new year!