Bexx.RS

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Manchmal braucht man einen bestimmten Menschen um sich herum um herauszufinden wer man eigentlich ist, vor allem wenn man sich lange selbst verloren hat.

Ich möchte durch Dinge die ich liebe definiert werden und nicht durch Dinge die ich hasse, nicht durch die Dinge die mir Angst machen, nicht durch die Dinge die mich Nachts wach halten.

Ich denke, man ist was man liebt. Das hat lange gebraucht um das zu sehen, letztendlich kann ich endlich sagen: Ich liebe mich. Es geht nach vorne und ich fühle mich besser als je zuvor. Stärker, unabhängig, frei.

Die letzten 10 Jahre, kann ich weder ungeschehen machen, noch unterdrücken, noch vergessen. Aber ich kann endgültig damit abschließen, ich kann endlich über alles reden, was mich bewegt. Ich weiß wer richtig wer falsch ist, ich kann Entscheidungen treffen & sie am nächsten Tag wieder verwerfen und mir ist egal was andere darüber denken. Ich bin wer ich bin & das gefällt mir.

Wenn dir der Boden unter den Füßen weggerissen wird, wenn du denkst du bist angekommen, es ist alles in trockenen Tüchern und endgültig... dann sollte man nicht stehen bleiben oder aufgeben, so wie ich es getan habe. Ich war betrunken, oft und viel... bis zu dem Punkt an dem ich nicht mehr konnte und alles nur noch dunkel wurde... An dem Abend an dem meine Mutter und mein Vater am Bett im Krankenhaus gesessen haben und gehofft haben dass ich wieder aufwache und als ich die Augen aufgemacht habe, sie beide anfingen zu weinen, vor Freude und mich dann fragten was passiert ist und ich einfach nur sagte „ich will dieses Leben nicht.“ in dem Moment wurde uns allen klar, das wir falsch abgebogen sind...

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I have changed so many times because people wanted me to be someone they think was best for me, over the past years I found me. I remember the first years in school when I was 11 years old, there was this girl (sounds like the mean girl story though) and she wanted me to be in her group! When I figured that I don’t belong there she started talking behind my back, accused me of bullying her when I did nothing, she and her friends were laughing at me because I wanted to play soccer with the boys instead of talking girly stuff and crying over boys, they started doing things like cutting my hair off, hiding my things and hurt me, they called me a names. Over the years I stopped listening to them instead I went away and started becoming invisible. Being invisible became my comfort zone, they still harassed me everyday but it was somewhere far away. I started to build my own world within my books and games. Going to school was hard, I was devastated getting up every morning. Finally school was over and I started working with 15 already. But as you might know... I was the youngest in class at school, again, the older girls and boys started making fun of me, but then as they became older they started ignoring me. I can’t remember what was worse, getting ignored by people you want to talk to or being made fun of. So I started skipping class.. A year later, I met a guy, it came out that he’s going to be my first true love. 1 1/2 years later he dumped me, over the phone and afterwards was talking behind my back... I also met my first best friend. She was amazing, we did almost everything together, testing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes like well I guess most of us. But it later came out that she was just interested in me as long I was around as long I was trying things but I got older and probably bored of being drunk every weekend, chasing after boys so she lost interest in me. I have never heard from her again... there were many situations like this back then, but I guess we all have some stories to be told. In the end, it’s complicated for me to meet new people, to trust them because I know, they won’t be here too long. I just want to tell you that you’re going to be alright in the end, we’ll always do, it’s just going to be in your past but it’s up to you, what memories you want to take with you. Love Bexx.RS

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The real me. I’m 26 years old and I want to share with you what I have been through the past years since growing up to the person I am today. I want to share with you how I dealt with anxiety, bullying, lack of self-confidence, trust issues and being scared of making friends, issues I’m still dealing with today. It’s difficult for me to trust people as I have had „friends“ that weren’t friends. I know today that those people were just in my way, maybe stopping me from becoming who I want to be. I can’t say that I’m different than other people, because I am not. I’m just who I am and that’s how I like it the most. I like cars, I like beauty, I love music and gaming and I don’t think that this is actually something that makes me being someone you might hate. I have my opinions about certain things and I will tell them to you if you ask me.🤷🏼‍♀️ Seems like I’m a normal human being. So where does this hate and bullying come from? Maybe my nose doesn’t fit? Maybe I seem arrogant in the first place but this is something I’m absolutely not, I’m scared talking to you, maybe that’s the issue you’re facing. I don’t hate you, I don’t think you’re ugly, i don’t think that we might not get along with each other and i don’t think that I am better than you. Have you ever asked yourself about the person you’re dealing with, why he/she is behaving a certain way? Maybe it’s not what it seems. I believe that this is something the society we’re living in is still lacking, get to know each other deeply! This is why I don’t have any friends, because people don’t want to take their time getting to know each other deeply and I believe that this is something friendship means.. going strong together and not taking away the things you love and undercut your career, manipulating your way of thinking and don’t talk dirty behind your back. Friendship means supporting each other, having each other’s back and helping with dealing each other’s anxieties and last but not least: knowing each other the best way possible.