This past year has been interesting to say the least. I've been relatively quiet about my divorce on social media, where my Ex treats all social media like a diary.
Tumblr has always been a safe space for me to share my thoughts, I was never shy about what I post, and can be very open. But even while I went through my divorce, I would post very vague if anything at all.
Maybe because I saw how my Ex wife was going about posting, I thought to myself, yeaaaaa... I don't need to be like that. I would say maybe it's because I grew up with the Internet and understand that it can have consequences, unwanted attention, or judgement from someone who literally has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about or experiencing but feels the need to share their completely unwanted opinion... I would say that but my Ex wife and I are the same age.
Same age, but so very different. By the time things started to fall apart and we separated I honestly had no idea who I married. Let. Me. Be. Crystal. Clear.
Both of us were culpable for the downfall of our marriage. There were many things that lead to its timely demise.
I am not here to argue or discuss who was right or wrong because we both were right and wrong. it's not just a black and white situation. There is no "winning" or "losing" when it comes to divorce.
What I believed happened is true.
What she believed happened is true.
Both statements are correct even if we have wildly different truths. I cannot change what she believes or how she perceived things just as how she cannot do the same for me.
This experience opened my eyes to something Ive struggled with my whole life. Being adopted, Ive known why my birth mom gave me up for adoption. I know her story, I have met her, spent time with her, spent time with my half brothers. I get it. I had books explaining why I was adopted and would answer questions that I might not have had yet. But going through life with this broken identity you have in the back of your mind. "Do they really love me?" "How much do they love me?"
Obviously my parents love me. but there was always this lingering quiet doubt in the back of my mind. My relationship with them suffered because of this voice in my head. unconsciously that is. like all teens that's when it was the worst, and as I grew older it got better, and when I moved out it got better and so on. I've always been emotionally independent from my parents and did my best to be financially responsible.
Then my marriage and divorce happened. My credit was shot, debt through the roof, isolated, depressed, desperate, lost. I had no idea what I was going to do. My parents tho, they showed up for me. Showed up in a way that I did not expect or ask for.
I needed to move out of the shared apartment, my 70 year old mother flew down and helped me move and unpack. Filled my fridge with food, and allowed me to use her credit card for a little to get groceries while I was still getting financially stable.
When I had enough of going back and forth with my ex about how we were going to divide up the debt, my dad stepped in to try and give me advice, and when it became too much, I said "Dad I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can't keep going back and forth like this. It's destroying my mental health, my stress about it is through the roof and the idea of getting a lawyer makes me want to throw up because I'm already in so much debt how the fuck can I afford a divorce lawyer."
"Don't worry about that."
the fuck you mean don't worry about that. the last time I checked I barely had 800 dollars to my name and I needed to make more asap to cover my rent.
he said "Don't worry about that. I got you. Find a lawyer that will work with you and we will worry about finances later."
BRUH DO YALL KNOW HOW GOD DAMN EXPENSIVE 🫰🏽🫰🏽🫰🏽 LAWYERS ARE??? AND MY DAD OVER HERE LIKE 🤷🏽 chill out we got this.
There was a lawyer that was suggested to me via the courthouse and I contacted her. She was very kind, but she told me she wasn't going to take my case. Not because she didn't want to help, but because she believed her Paralegal could do the job just as good and be much more affordable. The actual starting fee to even book this lawyer?
10 FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS.
My heart just about fell out of my goddamn asshole. That's not including court fees, or any work they do for you. Mind you my ex and I had NOTHING. everything that she owned she had when we got married and vice versa. I decided it was best if she kept the girls even tho I loved them so much and wanted them, I thought it was best if she kept them. we don't have any kids, and any millennial owning property now a days is a fucking joke. all we had was debt. that's it.
I'm sobbing on the phone with my dad because I'm like this lady is so expensive but she suggested her paralegal to us and she would meet with me for free to discuss my case and then go over fees if we wanted to proceed. The way it worked with the paralegal, you pay 6,000 dollars and it goes into a bank. Whenever she does work, she subtracts from the amount we've put down and anything we have left over we get back. Having her was a relief and a stress all in one. in total for the years work and court I'm pretty sure my dad put down about 10,000 dollars. Which is a shit ton of money, but that was the original lawyers STARTING rate.
Eventually we were able to come to an agreement of terms which ended up being the original offer that we first proposed when we first got the paralegal.
The point of all of this is, during all of this, I would see how my ex acted on social media, how her parents more specifically her mother with try and be sheisty. thinking they could beat the system or try and find a way out. And on that final day where we were about to walk into court to finally put this to rest, seeing my ex again and her parents. I felt nothing. I saw her and felt nothing. remembering the years I spent with them and how awful of people her parents are. The gavel rang and the divorce decree was officiated and sent off to be finalized. I didn't even look at them as I got up and walked out of the court room. It dawned on me.
Something that had been haunting me as this unfolded. I didn't understand how she and I had two completely different definitions of marriage. It puzzled me. Because before divorce was even a thought in my head, I wanted to separate spend some time apart, healing ourselves and coming back together as a couple to see if we could make things better.
you know, for better for worse, for in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. That's what those vows meant to me. if I'm gunna be poor I wanna be poor with you, if I'm gunna be sick I wanna be sick with you, if I'm gunna be happy I wanna be happy with you. My parents have been married for probably about 50 years now. You think the entire time they've been married they were happy?
FUCK NO. I honestly thought there were times that they WOULD get divorced. but they didn't. they worked it out. they approached it together. this didn't mean they didn't hurt each other, this didn't mean it was rainbows all the time.
So when I showed up to our therapy session and the first thing out of her mouth before I could even say what I've been thinking since we've separated to cool off was "I want a divorce"
gobsmacked I was because oh this isn't a discussion? you're just deciding that, this is it? but this is where I knew that divorce would be best when she said this to me.
"Do you expect me to stay in a relationship that I'm not happy in."
👀👀👀 YES. The fuck? what the fuck did you think those vows meant? Because when I made that vow that's what I meant! now don't get me wrong if someone was being physically abused or mentally abused then sure I can get behind that. We weren't even married for 3 years yet. and I was like bruh it hasn't even started.
but it was then that I knew that I was in this much more than she was. Because while yes we had a relationship but a marriage is much more than just a "relationship"
So this haunted my brain. because I didn't understand how I didn't see that. how we didn't have the same definition. Then when I was leaving court it hit me.
As I remembered her family, how they were, how they treated one another. I realized. I cannot blame or be upset with her, for not upholding her vows. For she only showed me the love that she has been shown by the two most important people in her life. That love has conditions. She only showed me love that had terms and conditions applied to it.
*Terms and conditions may apply when you stand before your family and friends and make a commitment to one another*
Memories came flooding back, dinners, holidays, get togethers, all with how they treated one another, how they treated their own sons, their only daughter. It broke my heart for her.
Because our entire relationship and marriage, I had been showing her the only love I've ever known.
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