It can be beautiful. It can be devastating. But it’s always a mystery. No one will ever understand how we have air in our lungs and it be taken away at the snap of our fingers. It’s been 3 whole years and I can’t still can’t accept that my dad is not here anymore. I’m still so angry. I’m still so hurt and feel like I was left alone to figure out the world. I have my mom thankfully. But it’s not the same impact on my life. I always wanted to be around my dad. I only got to see him every other weekend due to the divorce agreement settled when I was 2. Then when I turned 18 I decided I didn’t want to go down to see him anymore. My father was an abusive alcoholic. Not physically, always. But he knew where to get where it hurt with his words. You just couldn’t imagine this same man you were just laughing your ass off with is now in your face screaming at the top of his lungs over NOTHING. He was the true embodiment of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was so painful to watch, but I had the choice to not go through with it anymore once 18 years struck, so I took it. It was a very depressing battle of him trying to make me come down to see him. I refused. I was not about to get excited then to finally see him and us get into a nasty fight. It was a routine. I was done. Fast forward to 20 years old I finally decided it was time to see my dad. We spent Christmas together and it was the sweetest visit I ever had with him. He almost cried when he saw me at his front door. He had just been out of the hospital for a heart attack. Doctors told him no more alcohol. No more smoking. My dad’s two biggest vices since he was probably 12-14 years old..so imagine. He kept up with the doctor’s orders for a bit and unfortunately his demons got the best of him. We told him no more. To cut down. He couldn’t stop. After my Christmas visit since things went so well I wanted to come down again for my sister’s birthday on March 13th. We were so excited to see each other again. I get a call from him in the beginning of March that he’s been admitted to the hospital again. He had been in and out of the hospital for various heart issues from Christmas to then. March 10th came and I got a call from my step mom...3 days before. 3 fucking days before I was gonna see him again..she tells me he passed away at the hospital for multiple heart attacks in a span of 24 hours. His body couldn’t take it anymore...it gave out. Til this day I can’t explain this empty horrible feeling I have. I wouldn’t wish this on any enemy. I want so so badly to tell him I love him and that I need him here so bad to give me a hug and just tell me everything’s going to be okay. It’s increasing my depression day by day. It hasn’t healed. It’s only intensified. There’s not one fucking day I don’t think about him. I will eternally be daddy’s girl. I miss him so much. I want it to stop. But I also don’t want to lose the sound of his voice & laugh in my head and in my dreams.
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