Clara found herself being pleasantly surprised by the Doctorās words, and shot him a gentle, apologetic smile. āSorry. Really. I didnāt mean that,ā she mumbled and bit her lip hesitantly. āI know that you donāt always want things - I was just beingā¦ā She trailed off and avoided his gaze as she stared blankly at the wall for a few seconds. Perhaps it was hard for him to believe, but she had not intended to hurt his feelings. It was still her fault though, because she ought to know by now that brutal honesty never got her far.
Although Clara did not know what the Doctor was thinking about, she was still of a different opinion. She was waiting for the Doctor to say something to her - seeing that he was her guest. The awkward silence between them seemed a bit unnatural. They had always had things to say to each other, even though they were often more mocking than anything else. And Clara didnāt know how to handle this new, or old, Doctor. He was her Doctor, but he was alsoā¦ not. What was she supposed to say to him? She couldnāt remember clearly what her relationship had been like with the old Doctor, although she was fairly certain that there had been an awful lot of flirting involved and quite a lot of cheeky comments.
The awkward silence was finally getting to her and she felt the need to say something. Anything. Just to get rid of the sense that there were so many unspeakable, unsaid things between them. Things that he could never know now. āSo heāll never exist then? I mean - the face youāve got now - will heā¦ will he still exist?ā Her voice quivered slightly and she had a hard time getting the words out, but she knew that she had to ask. If they were stuck in the Pocket - would the Doctor still regenerate into the man that she had gotten so accustomed to or would heā¦ Justā¦ Vanish? Where would that leave her? She wasnāt sure if she was prepared to go back to the old Doctor, not after everything they had been through together. It was a selfish thought, surely, and guilt washed over her. Adjusting herself slightly in her seat as she impatiently waited for an answer, she tried to look encouraging. She didnāt want the Doctor to know that he could very well break her heart if the news he delivered were bad.
Clara shook her head purposefully, but her lip was still quivering. She didnāt want to cry, because she was pretty sure that once she started she wouldnāt be able to stop. There was a reason why she had tried to stay as cold as possible since well, the thing she didnāt like to think about. āIām not gonna cry, I can promise you that. And where the hell would you get a mop? I donāt think I actually own a mop so youād have to go home and get one yourself,ā she said quickly and snorted in bemusement. The mental image of the Doctor running around with a mop was certainly amusing, but it didnāt make her feel much better.
āI know that youāre still you. But youāre also not the same man that I know. He hasnāt been born yet, not in your timeline.ā She feared that she might have said too much and hurt his feelings, so she reached out her hand towards his and tried to grab it gently. āI know that youāre still the Doctor. I know that,ā she mumbled reassuringly and squeezed his hand softly. Since he wasnāt the new Doctor, the one with the eyebrows, she guessed that he wouldnāt mind the physical touch. Her Doctor was a bit more iffy about the subject, but he usually didnāt mind her holding his hand for some reason. She guessed that it was the friendship thing.
Clara really wanted to tell him about Danny. Itād be nice to have someone else in the Pocket knowing about him, but at the same time, she wanted to selfishly pretend it had not happened. The guilt was starting to eat away at her, and she was starting to feel small again. Her thoughts seemed cruel and selfish but she couldnāt make them stop. She still found herself wishing that the Doctor was her Doctor again, and she still wanted to pretend that everything was allright. Danny was at home. Waiting for her to come back to him. All was fine! Absolutely fine.
Realizing that she was still holding the Doctorās hand, she let her own hand drop awkwardly and picked up Thorin instead. She needed to keep her hands busy, and petting Thorin was oddly calming. āRight then - youāre awfully curious today! Suppose the āno spoilersā rule does not apply when youāre bored?ā she teased gently and narrowed her eyes slightly. She was still dangerously close to crying, but she could try to pretend for a second that everything was okay. All she truly wanted to do was bury her face in Thorinās fur and finally let herself feel for a moment, but she couldnāt do that around the Doctor. Not only because he would probably actually go get a mop, but also because she wouldnāt be able to get back from that place.
āI really canāt tell you... I dunno what itād do to your future. Heās a very important person that you canāt know about yet. He saved the world. If you know - and if you change things, he might not be able to do that and thatād be bad. Definitively bad,ā she said, purposefully being as vague as possible. She hoped that she hadnāt revealed too much. The consequences, like she had warned him, might change the course of history. āOh, and heās my boyfriend.ā Immediately regretting her slip up, Clara grimaced and tried to remain calm. She let her hands run through Thorinās fur as she thought long and hard. If the Doctor knew about the boyfriend-situation, that might clue the future Doctor in on who this important man was and thus change his actions. āYou didnāt need to know that.ā
