I wandered back this way just to see. Curiosity kills...as they say. But it’s not so bad. Truth be told, it feels like a lifetime ago. Someone else’s life, that ran parallel to mine. Or like a favorite character in a book. Not my life. But I remember how it felt.
The space and time has strengthened me. I know that now. But it certainly didn’t feel that way at the time. I felt used up, a busted rubber ball- something that really could serve no purpose anymore. I was unlovable. If I was lovable, a person wouldn’t do these things to me.
Two loves, great loves, and what felt like the same outcome. I felt like some kind of martyr and I reveled in that, because I had been mistreated, and my hurt was my own. It was true and it was all I was coming away with. So I clung to it. I clung to it for months before we ended things. I knew I was unhappy. I knew I was unable to trust you. I knew you couldn’t be someone you’re not. But I clung. Because I was afraid. If this person, this soul mate of mine could say these things, and do these things, and not make any attempt to fix any of it, then surely no one else would treat me any better.
You are a poet, and you spoke words to me that no one else had. In the end, some of these were just words. You felt them in the moment, but when it came down to it, they were only pretty things. I used to feel the need to question and analyze, to make a person say exactly what they were thinking so I could KNOW how they felt about me. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I realized fully that what a person says means absolutely nothing at all. No matter how beautiful it is. As a lover of poetry, I can’t believe I’m saying that. But it’s true. Words can build you up, they can help you fly, they can also break you. But words mean so little compared to actions. I do not feel the need to make someone love me anymore. I am loving myself, I am relearning how to do that. I will not find happiness in how another person loves me, no matter how much I want to belong to someone and find a real, safe place with them. I will find that eventually. That’s coming. I will love myself so fiercely that good things will come to me.
I’ve spent time with many family and friends and I started counting. How often did I smile? How deeply did I laugh? How often was I able to relax and feel warm and loved? These are the people I am surrounding myself with now. It means making my circle a little smaller, but that has never bothered me. I don’t want to live a closed-off and cynical life, surrounded by judgment, anxiety, and negativity. I make enough of those things for myself. Those things must be fought against. I will tell you, they are worth fighting against. Every day, I fight to let the light in, and every day it is a little easier, and a little more worth it. It doesn’t own me anymore. I hope it doesn’t own you, either.
I am sorry we could not complete our plans together. We need different people, I think. You needed someone more confident and trusting. And I needed someone more open and willing to change. Maybe we learned something. Maybe we’ve changed already.
pixelskylines
izzy806
areudirty
stormborns
gummygunk
blakekathryn
