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You called your boys C & O tonight when we were drinking. By their mannerisms and the fact that you made a point to show them I was next you (presumably so they wouldn’t say/ask anything crazy I realized they were surprised AF to see my dumb ass in the background. You told them you don’t want to be with me. Why the fuck do you keep asking me stay????? ughhhh 21 yrs of loyalty has me FUCKED UP. But don’t worry, I see you.

Once again you lied to me. Once again you pulled me in when I was almost out. I told you a few days ago I was leaving. You started begging me not to leave. I didn’t cry or anything that time. I simply explained that I’m tired and lonely and don’t want to do this anymore. It’s clear you don’t want to be with me, by your mannerisms and tones, and the fact that you still haven’t haven’t made any attempts at changing them. You Begged me not to go. You’d start crying or tell me that we can figure this out and I didn’t need to leave. This continued for the next two days me and the girls stuff done, I even went and got the Covid test that we need to get back to the US. Today I was going to get Nova’s dog paperwork done, and last night you again said, I didn’t have to do this, we can figure this out, etc. After a lot of thought, and seeing how much you’d pursued the fact that You didn’t want me to leave, I came into the shower this morning and said the girls and I would stay for you, but this was the last chance. If I you don’t get your shit together I’m gone for real this time. Instead of being happy or excited, or making any sort of promises to do better, you answered with, well if you want to stay you can, it’s your decision. You said it in a tone insinuating >I< was forcing my staying here…I said, uh…you’ve been asking me to not go….are you not happy? You answered with, “I never asked you to stay….” ::MIND BLOWN:: I said, WTF?! Are you kidding me? YOU have been BEGGING ME to stay! Then you started acting weird again and I got mad.

I am so fucking tired of your rollercoaster ass ways! I then took the girls to post to take Anaya to see her friends and have lunch with Mia. You took off, supposedly to get me a purse I wanted in Osan. You turned off your life 360 that tracks your location and spent the day over there.

Tonight you’re cold with me again. I sent you a link to the love dare book and asked if you wanted to do it with me, starting tomorrow. You said “no, not now”. I asked, “Not tomorrow?” Again you said no. I waited a bit and calmly asked “May I ask why?” You replied irritably with “Because I said I don’t want to.”

For someone that “wants to work on this”, you sure don’t give a shit. I’m tired and so sick of this. I’m assuming you’re speaking to that chick again, and mourning that she’s leaving or whatever….and I’m over this. I’m over the terrible way you treat me, the ups, the downs, the degrading ways you act, the way you make me doubt myself, the way you’re CONSTANTLY lying…all of it. I’m over it.

Tomorrow I am going to the vet to get the paperwork for the dog and see if I can get everything together. Then I’ll buy the tickets and just let you know you have to drop us off….if that. I can’t do this shit anymore. You pull me back in with empty promises and lies, and then shit on me AS SOON as I give in. You are not a good person. You are a cruel and selfish one and I don’t want to be with you anymore. I’m sad it’s ending this way, but at this point I have to leave with the little sanity and scraps of my heart I have left.

I hope you get everything you deserve

Do I stay, and run the risk of you playing this awkward game of being “kept from what you want”, so you never give yourself to me 100%, or do I leave and deal with the pain of leaving the love of my life, the father of my children and difficulty of heading off into the unknown with my children? 😞 I think at this point, I’m leaning towards the latter. I can’t believe these are the options you have left me with. I can’t believe you’re not strong enough to see what’s real and what’s not. You keep standing on the fence.

You say you’re trying. But where are my kisses goodnight? 🌙 Where’s the concern and patience you once showed when you knew I was feeling lonely and sad (let alone betrayed abandoned with reason) ? 😞 Why do you admit defeat so easily? Where is your fire? Where is your fight?? Fuck I miss you. The real you.

This weak you, that thinks you love someone else & has no patience for me or our kids, simply because our relationship & parenting these girls is going to take work that you’re scared to put in, SUCKS. 😞 This ALL FUCKING SUCKS. I want my life back, I want my lover and best friend back. 🥺 i want youuu, the REAL YOU back! We still had a whole ass life to live together! I still had to much love and happiness to give him!!!

PICK ONE! You told me you wanted this. But now you’re cold again. 😞 Is this another one of your games to make me leave? I wanted to think you were better than this… 😞

motivationalquotesforsuccess

Las batallas se ganan de rodillas

motivationalquotesforsuccess

I spoke to my dad this morning, he usually doesn’t call me directly cuz he likes to give me space, but today he called with a little worry in his voice. I was afraid a family member had passed away or something, and asked if everything was ok. He said yes…the reason he was calling was to see if I was ok. Hes worried about me. 😞 I told him I’m ok. I’m just waiting to see if this new time J says he’s going to try, hes really going to. Plus I’m worried about the girls and their sports that we already signed them up for. He said he’d messaged J and got no response, and sees at this point he doesn’t care. After a little while of me telling him I’m ok, he said… Basically C, I called to tell you, None of this is your fault. You’ve tried everything, but you’re worth more than this. I gave you to him, and he promised to take care of you, and treasure you, and he’s not fulfilling his promises. I want you to know, whenever you’re ready, its ok to come home. I know I’m just their grandpa, but I can take that place if they need it. I can be whatever you and your girls need for as long as you girls need me. 🥺

I told him I know. I KNOW I have a great support systemAnd when I do decide to throw the towel in, he will be the first to know.

Dear God I pray J wakes up. Cuz I’m halfway out the door. Today J was ok. I was kinda down the whole trip back, but I don’t think he realized it. (sn: I now hate reaggaeton because all the songs he plays include people that can’t be together or are sneaking around. 😞) We ran a few errands where I was indifferent to him overall. Then we got home, I organized the groceries then went to lay down (being overwhelmed and thinking quietly to myself tired me out). He came in and asked if i would come out so we could watch The Black Widow (just came out) with him and the girls. I did. I started sipping some wine and even started to get a little friendly with him. As soon as he saw me friendly it was like a switch turned off and he almost ignoring me again. 🙄

OVER IT.

Today was a good day. You BROKE my heart this morning, I was devastated beyond belief because you literally told me “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I DONT FUCKING LOVE YOU“, while on your way to clean the dogs mess and then come back (We had no one to dogsit this trip) You seemed you regretted it, but I was done, you’ve done enough damage. When you got back you were cordial and nice. It’s 11:13 pm in South Korea, we’re on our last night in the hotel. As we walked back to the room after doing laundry for free, I wondered if this would be the last time you and I do laundry together during a family vacation.

I want you to see you were wrong to step out on us. I want you to see that you stopped being good to me, and started convincing yourself I wasn’t enough, a long time ago. Despite my begging for you to be sweet to me, flirt with me, be careful how you judge me, you always shrugged me off, like I was being dramatic, when really I was just warning you….so yeah, I was destined to fail. Contrary to what you think, if it hadn’t been this chick….with the way you allowed yourself to judge me all the time, you would’ve found anyone that was “better than me” or for you to “fall in love with”, because the attention you were supposed to be giving me…was dying to be released.

The thing is, that’s mine. Those feelings of wanting to protect her, that’s what you’ve always done for me. The way you dedicate songs to her…you always did for me…the way you talk to her with out nagging or bitching and you think she’s intelligent….those characteristics are MINE. You mentioned so many times in the beginning how similar she was to me…you even laughed about it…not realizing all the signs that were missing ME. Your soul misses the way you used to treat, love & look at ME. So it went looking for me elsewhere, cuz you’d convinced yourself she’s wasn’t here anymore. All the while I’m here crying, nagging and begging for you to SEE MEEEEE!

#SEE ME

motivatedaily

Tonight You sat with me in the hallway as I cried in frustration. I mentioned that although today was truly wonderful (it really was) I don’t want to give the girls (or me) false hope, making us think the worst has passed and that we’re a happy family again…just for you to leave us. Offering to buy us year passes to the amusement park we went to today, knowing good and damn well you’d be sending us on our way in a few weeks anyways. You said you weren’t looking at it like that, because in your eyes, we were staying. Then you agreed how this could hurt us though, you said you understood. You said those feelings that you have for that person would pass. You made me feel like we were going to work on this.

Then a little bit later, I told you I needed you to delete her number. You said you couldn’t because then her messages and stuff would flow in, so it has to stay in your phone so she can remain blocked. I said that sounds suspicious, like, you leave her blocked until you’re alone and let the influx of messages come in then. then I asked to see her name. There you continued to protect her. You didn’t protect us! She knows my name, she knows my kids names…. but you wanna but up a fight disclosing her info? you want to protect her info from me?! Anddddd that triggered me. Then I fought until I could see the name. You hated that of course.

We argued and long story short when we calmed down, I asked how you expected me to trust that you really wanna make this work when you’re still protecting her. & then you broke my heart yet again. You laughed and said “when did I say I wanted to stay with you?” 😞😞😞 and just like that, you put me right back on the rollercoaster from hell.

#ROLLERCOASTER tired

You are slowly killing me. Ripping my heart out of my chest. Telling me the last 21 years of memories and life we shared are just that. Just memories. And yes, they were nice, but you’re done with us now & want to start a whole new life that doesn’t include me. So now, just like that, I have to go start a whole new life alone, when I thought I’d be living it with you. And raise my girls alone, when I thought I’d be doing it with you. Growing old alone, when I thought I’d be doing it with you. 😞 My soul fucking hurts.

#Pushed into the world all alone

Sitting in the car with you heartbroken. We’re on our way to a theme park in Seoul on what more than likely is our last family vacation as a whole family together. I’m silently dying, wishing a moment would come along where you would see me, and how you’re destroying everything you once believed in And decide im worth fighting for again. 😞

You keep listening to songs that talk about people that can’t stay together….like I’m not sitting right here; broken hearted and not able to be with the one I love.

i am SO hurt. I am so sad.

I still can’t believe you actually told me last night, you just don’t want ry to love and be with me because being free is just more important to you right now. oure uttibg here like nothing is wrong right now but my world s falling the fuck apart. l

thegirlwhocriedwolf99

alwaystrimming

This is how I currently feel. I‘ve done my part, like I always said I would. I’ve fought you and tried to wake you from your stupor but….I’ve still got these girls to raise. So, as much as it hurts….I’m going to to have to leave you and go do that in a healthier environment.

thegirlwhocriedwolf99

bpdamn

do you ever realize that this is your life and you get really sad? like this is it, this is my only chance and i’m wasting it

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