angor animi

23. Living in Wiltshire. Working on the railway. Posting nothing in particular, rambling too much, and tagging too little. There's only one way of life, and that's your own.

[historieofbeafts]

Seasons change, stars drift across the heavens, and in long quiet moments the human mind returns once again to the eternal question: what even is a crocodile?

A scaled cat that holds you close in slumber?

A fevered memory of colourful wings?

An acute angle out for blood?

The worst pig?

A horrible little man with a moustache?

A banana?

Or is it possible that, as some philosophers have suggested, the true crocodile lives inside our imaginations, making it impossible to judge any answer right or wrong?

Image Sources: [x]

[intimatum]

Virginia Woolf, The Years

[historieofbeafts]

Pliny with the hottest take on mercury poisoning here:

[electricraccoonincident-deactiv]

– Stephen Gill, from The Pillar (2016-2019)

[alxndr-l]

Still feeling quite stressed about having to deal with a colleague getting reasonably seriously injured at work on Monday.  Can’t seem to stop thinking about what happened, what could have happened, and whether I could have done anything more.  At the same time, I’m simultaneously annoyed that everyone else seems to have just carried on as usual.

We were walking to a fault when he slipped over and broke his ankle in three places.  Couldn’t have been a worse place for it, we were half a mile from the road, and it was freezing cold.  Called the ambulance straight away, but it was still 40 minutes until they arrived, and then it seemed to take forever to get them on site and down to him, and then even longer for a second team to arrive to help get him out of there.  We ended up having to chuck him on a train to get him to a road.  It took about two and a half hours from him falling over to getting him in the ambulance, which was far, far too long in to be laid on frozen ground but we just couldn’t move him.

During the whole thing I had managers ringing me up trying to pressure us into reopening at least some lines and continuing to investigate the fault, despite the fact that by that point someone was in a pretty bad way and there were five paramedics wandering around with no experience being in that environment. The fault was definitely not the priority at that moment, and it sickens me to think that that’s all some bean counters were thinking about.  No time to stop and recollect ourselves afterwards, I was straight back out to the fault as soon as he was on the ambulance.

He’s doing as well as can be expected now and seeing him yesterday with some colour and life in him put my mind at ease a bit.  I still can’t stop thinking about all the what ifs though. What if I’d made the emergency phone call myself, could I have explained how difficult it would have been to get to him any better and had them come more prepared?  What if I’d had a space blanket in my pocket (as I do now), would that have kept him any warmer than our coats did?  What if he’d hit his head when he fell?  What if there had only been two of us?  What if I’d been better at making small talk?  What if I’d chosen to investigate the other location first and we’d not walked those last few meters?  What if we’d used the blowtorch to heat up some rocks to surround him with?

I know I did everything that I feasibly could, and it was just a horrible accident.  We were all experienced and I made sure to brief how slippery it would be—and the other guy mentioned to him a few moments before just how icy it looked.  We got help as quickly as we could.  I knew the other guy would be better at keeping him calm and delegated accordingly.  I helped come up with the plan for getting him to the ambulance safely.  I’ve pushed for space blankets to be issued as widely as possible and created a document with the What3Words reference for every location we go to just in case anything happens again.

None of that stops me feeling incredibly guilty though.  I was supposed to be responsible for keeping people safe that day, and I didn’t manage it.

[alxndr-l]

Keep reading

[alxndr-l]

So, the files turned up this morning.  All 166 pages of them.

It was surprisingly not as traumatic reading through them as I thought it might have been, although that’s probably more because there’s simply not a great deal of detail.  I know there’s at least one letter missing, as that’s the only one I’d ever seen as a child.  Plenty of family trees but not much actually relevant to anything, which is a fairly accurate representation of our meetings as far as I can remember.  I was also surprised to see that they did actually seem to take me seriously in most respects.  I’m sure they had their reasons for it, but if they’d told me that they thought I was depressed instead of just leaving me to think that feeling that way was normal it would have been nice.

It’s also had the opposite effect than I expected on my feelings towards my parents.  I thought that I would discover more cases of them saying that I was making it all up, but there was none of that at all.  I actually feel awful realising what I must have put them through.  At the time I couldn’t see it, and I wasn’t doing it deliberately, but I still guilty about it.

I’m not really sure what I was looking for in there.  I was hoping for some answers about my childhood and to the perpetual question that I have about myself and my brain.  I think I was hoping that there would be some mentions in there about how I was communicating.  There were a few bits and pieces, but as most of it was focused on risk assessment there wasn’t a great deal, just general comments about a lack of eye contact, being distracted, and not really talking.  There was one little squiggle saying “? aspergic” though.  I don’t think I expected seeing anything so plainly.

That alone means absolutely nothing, it’s without any context and there’s no mention anywhere else.  Still, to know that someone with some degree of knowledge, who had been seeing me for a couple of years, even briefly considered it makes me think that maybe it’s not entirely ridiculous for me to consider it to be a possibility.

I’m not really sure where this leaves me.  It might be enough for me to know that I might not just being completely overdramatic in wondering about it, or it might end up spurring me on in trying to find out for certain.  At least it stops me wondering about what was written about me all those years ago (quite literally a decade ago in parts!)

[thewalkingnerd]

If you heard of writer's block, get ready for reader's block. You want to read. You have time. You know what to read; how have a pile of books ready to be read. You cannot sit still and focus enough to do so or you can't even open the book.

[everythingfox]

These foxes got tangled into each other

[bookwormingparty]

[alxndr-l]

Just made a request to see if I can get hold of my old medical records from when I was a child and under CAMHS.  No idea if it’ll be successful seeing as the trust seems to have changed several times since I was under them, and my name/NHS number has also changed.  The files they used to bring to the appointments were well over one folder, so how much of that was archived, if any, is another question.

Probably a terrible idea as I think seeing them might fuck me right up, but I’m hoping that it might answer some questions.  Also hoping that they take the full month or two that they’re allowed so that I see my parents before I (potentially) see the files because I’m fairly sure I won’t be in the mood to talk to them for a good while afterwards.

[glazecake]

jalilnajafov on ig

[alxndr-l]

Having one of those days where it’s too cold not to have the heating on but I can’t bear the sound of water moving through the radiators and pipes.  Which has got my brain clogged up again with wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.  At least I’m assuming that’s not a common problem anyway.

This is ridiculous.  Nearly three years now this has been getting to me and yet I’ve never dared to do anything about getting the question answered.  I just don’t know what to do.  If I could talk to someone now then I would, but by the time I get the nerve to consider arranging something I’ll be back to thinking I’m just being dramatic.

[alxndr-l]

Another 31st October down. Eight years ago I didn't think I'd make the night. I wouldn't have made the night if it wasn't for someone doing all they could. It was one of the darkest times of my life.

At yet here I am. I spent the evening doing bits for a uni course that will take me 6 years and I have every intention of finishing. I'm still alive, and more than that, I'm looking to the future. I'm making plans. I'm more comfortable in myself than I've ever been.

It would never have believe it possible, but I did survive and it did get better. 

[everythingfox]

get out of my swamp

[aliiiiiiice]

why don't people in zombie apocalypse stories ever just wear suits of armor? you think any zombie is gonna get their shitty rotting jaws through this?

I'm gonna rip and tear my way through the zombie apocalypse completely unharmed because none of the undead hoards will be able to get through my plate mail

[aliiiiiiice]

everyone else is like "oh we gotta stay inside the most secure places possible and never leave" and I'll be storming through the wastelands in my bloodstained suit of armor, blasting the Doom (2016) OST and plowing my way through waves of the undead. one of them tries to bite me but his shitty rotting teeth don't even leave a dent in my armor before I turn his head into paste. I'll be unstoppable until I die of dehydration or something like an idiot

[earlgraytay]

this goes along with my other pet peeve about zombie apocalypse stories, namely: why does no one ever think to ride a bike? 

bikes are quiet- if the zombies react to loud noises, they won’t hear you on a bike the way they might hear you in a car. bikes don’t need gas, meaning you won’t be stranded if you run out. bikes are much, much easier to maintain than a car- there’s no computer that can short out, no fiddly engine bits that could kill you if you mess with them wrong. you can learn how to maintain a bike with a couple weeks’ worth of classes. almost every adult knows how to ride a bike, and without cars on the road, it’d be much safer to do. 

what i’m saying is

[theabyssalmeme]

BIKE KNIGHT

[ehais]

[o-kurwa]

[smallrat36wagon-deactivated2021]

we create intricate rituals 

[versacethotty]

sasha velour practicing her reveals for the rpdr winners season