Charmed @alyannalyanna - Tumblr Blog

September 12 and 13, 2022

Yesterday, I felt a gush of sadness and I started tearing up. “Na-miss ko nanaman aso ko.” I cried and cried in the car because I felt like I no longer miss him that much. I felt really bad and I think Robin understood and wanted to spend the afternoon at home instead of attending a conference f2f. On our way home, we passed by the church and I knew instantly that I needed to drop by. I remember the last time I lit a candle there was when I was begging for Rob’s life. And when Robs died, I took it as an unanswered prayer. A BIG NO from God. I was furious and I was very disappointed (kapal ko pala!Sorry Lord :(() at Him and the world. In my head, “huling andito ako di ako pinagbigyan ni Lord baka di niya ako pakinggan nanaman.” But keeping in mind the homily during the time we got Robs’ ashes, sabi ni Lord: He always answers our prayers. Always. It may sometimes be not what we prayed for but it will always be He wants for us. And the most important thing to do is to continue praying. Even when you feel like it was a NO, continue praying. So I did.

While I was holding my candles yesterday, I kept repeating in my head: “Just pray. Pray, pray, pray.” Today, I received what I prayed for the whole year. I may have experienced the greatest heartbreak I’ve had in years but now I truly believe that He listens and He answers all our prayers. All in His time. TYLJ. All that I have is from You and for You. <3

September 12, 2022

I felt a sudden gush of sadness this morning, bud. I miss you so much. I love you, Buddy boy.

rockstar na ako at being alone, kaya ko na 'to 👌🏻

Everyday, I have to show everyone I'm okay. Kahit sa bahay, kelangan kunwari happy. Pero meron talaga pain sa heart ko, naiiyak parin talaga ako, Bud.

I miss you so much, Robs.

August 18, 2022

I miss you so much, Buddy.

Dear Robs,

Four weeks ago, I believe you took your last breath and last look at us. It was a Saturday. You were very sick for 2 days already and I made sure we maximized the visiting time, 1pm-4pm. I dropped by at 1pm sharp as I've had the past days. Robin was with me despite having an online clinic scheduled that afternoon. When I saw you, you appeared very weak slumped in a warming pad and covered with blankets. They've moved you to a different cage closer to the nurses, I guess, and saw your name on the board under "guarded". I'm a doctor and I perfectly understood what that meant. I had an inkling already that afternoon that your time was near. I opened your cage and carried you in my arms, you didn't move much so I had to scoot you out of your cage into my arms. They said your temperature was low. Again, I knew what that meant. I got all the blankets there, the warming pad, and hugged you so dear. We were like that for over 2-3 hours. Hugging, kissing, and was just there for each other. At around 3:30pm, I told you we had to go soon and hugged you tighter. I really didn't want to go yet because I was really worried of how you looked at that time. Robin sat down beside us and you stood up and jumped into his lap like you always did. You suddenly became very awake and lively. You then began jumping from our laps to the chairs, and you even finished a bowl of water. It was like you wanted to assure us that it was okay to go. You wanted us to see you doing well before we left. And when it was finally time to go, I carried you back to your cage and you did not resist, you lied down comfortably and looked at us before closing your eyes. I kissed you again and whispered "I love you, Buddy." In my mind, that was the last time you were really conscious. That you went into a deep sleep after we left. That was our goodbye. I wasn’t there when you died the next morning, Bud and I am extremely sorry for this. I wanted to take you home, I really did. But I would have never forgiven myself had you died at home because I refused care from the doctors and nurses. I did what I thought was right, Robs. I’m really sorry I wasn’t there. I really hope you went into a deep sleep already when we said goodbye the evening before. And that you didn’t hear anymore the thunderstorm that night, didn’t feel alone when we left, and didn’t feel any pain when your body gave up. There are so many more what ifs and so many unanswered questions and I know I have to let go all of these at some point but I still can't right now. Bulong mo naman kay Lord diyan na help niya ako. I love you so much and I miss you terribly, Buddy. Can’t wait to hug and kiss you again. I love you forever, Robs. (August 13, 2022)

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Always look at the sunny side of life ☀️

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