I had a hard/disappointing time last night/early morning at work. . .Ā
TL:DR : Im a piece of shit QC who doesnāt have any backbone and isnāt respected enough or is intimidating enough for others to get to listen to me. And Iām starting to get those hatred tendencies I had with Kashi with someone called Betsy because Iām afraid I will lose my position. Fk me Iām in too deep with this self-hatred and insecurities. Ā
So, we had a new supervisor (letās call her Coco) to assistĀ the original supervisor (letās call her Cinderella). I was excited to meet Coco, because I know that thereās a bunch I can learn from her since sheās been professionally trained. I know for one my training is the bare minimum by someone who isnāt really fit to train me (because she herself was never really trained).Ā
I started off work by going in 10-15 minutes early to set up, just as I always do. . . but then I find a strange sight. A worker (weāll call this person Betsy) was already getting well acquainted with Coco. So I was thinking,Ā āAlright, okay. Betsy is meeting Coco trying to see her new bossā but then I find Betsy doing the things I usually do and help set up. I was like, wait... then what am I going to do? And then I tried to find stuff to do that hasnāt been done already.Ā
I was left alone for the majority of the time because Betsy was always around Coco and Cinderella, chatting up and doing thigns together. I was used to it kinda since before Coco came, Betsy would always stick around Cinderella anyway. So I was like okay no big deal. I can handle doing things on my own.Ā
But last night was the worst night to be alone. The product we had come in was in the worst condition possible. And so as the product is getting dumped onto the conveyor belt, small little me is tryingn to sort through all four conveyors all by myself.Ā
Coco wasnāt pleased. She kept pointing out how all there was a lot of bad ones being put out, and even Cinderella was likeĀ āhey keep an eye out for these. we got a lot of bad ones hereāĀ
Iām like. . .Ā āno shitā but in my mind of course because you know what back bone do I even have. And I get that it was just a heads up, but do they not see my busting my ass trying to take care of all four of them? The dude who was dumping them wasnāt helping either (okay, lie, he was helping but it was at the bare minimum)
Anyway, time skip: Now weāre packing green beans- and I was busting my ass as usual like I usually do to help things run smoother. I was checking for quality in the beans, sorting the bad from the good, taking apart all Ā of the wodden crates that were being emptied, and helping the packers seal and getting it running. So Coco and Cinderella was just supervising, like they always do. Suddenly Betsy turns around and was like,Ā āOOO Tatās finally hustling oo gurl you goā and in my mind Iām like ? ?? ? ? Iām doing the same as I sually do.. why are saying it like Iāve always been slacking. And I felt like her words were making me look bad. At that point I was really fed up...
like... I was doing as I usually do. Maybe mentally I was a little messed up because of what was going on, but productivity wise, I was doing the same as I usually do.Ā
The thing that really got to the most was how much Betsy and Cinderella changed. Like, their entire behavior.. Ā I get that it was to make themselves look good.. but at the same time, it was also making me look bad. Especially with Betsy..Ā
During clean up she asked meĀ āHey QC are you okay with everything? Is everything all cleaned up?ā I gave my approval and that was my mistake- because everything wasnāt okay to my standards. That was my mistake, I canāt get angry at her for that. The thing that ticked mye off was that 1) she never asked me that before and 2) she knew everything wasnāt cleaned because as soon as I shook my head, she went straight to where it was still a little dirty and started cleaning. My problem is.. if she knew, why didnāt she just go do it or at least inform me,Ā āHey QC this spot still isnāt cleanā instead of asking me,Ā āare you content with how they cleanedā.. so of course Coco comes in and only sees Betsy the only one cleaning. (I was cleaning too but was in the corner)Then she got every one else to clean too even though they were already packed up and ready to leave... I couldnāt even get a few of them to help me clean up the back room while we were still supposed to be cleaning and I was standing right there with them...Ā
Iām just so disappointed in myself for not being mentally strong enough for me not to be phased by Betsy and disappointed in myself for not being seen as if Iām in leadership position.. Iām just so upset
And the one thing I fear most is hearing Coco and Cinderella say,Ā āWeāre going to have Betsy take oving QCingā I just... Iām just so upset.Ā
When can I learn how to not hide, and not fake my way into situations. Iām getting really tired of myself when I look back at things that recently happened, and how I acted in those situations. I get really embarrassed of myself. I think,Ā āthatās not me at allā,Ā āwhy was I being so fakeāĀ
Like, I really donāt get myself at times. I hate it when i get so excited, or get put on the spot because thatās when Iām not sure how to act myself anymore. I wish I could just stay calm no matter what and not over react to anything dfsajhdjflhad someone kill me now when will i ever stop doing embarrassing things. When will it all end. wheeeeeeeeeeeen
On another sad note, I wish I could be a better person. Even though theseĀ ācrushesā I have are not much and last for a very short time, I wish I didnāt have them at all. I have a boyfriend of 4 years now. I donāt get why my heart is still getting all mushy for other people. Like really, tat? Really?Ā
The good thing is that I know that these small crushes arenāt really anything and I donāt act on it. I guess thatās good. but like, why. Why I still gotta go through these things. Why canāt myheart just chill and just focus on LOVING my boyfriend instead of finding smol crushes that donāt mean anything. Like really, stop.
speaking of crushes though.. I really miss Ken. I mean, not miss him but like, I miss complaining that heās always running around and other stuff. Itās watever. Iām afraid though that there is an old crush that is coming back to life. When will all this end. Pls.Ā
Iām lame because I miss ken and the guys back at International paper.Ā
I also started this night time shift thing, and itās pretty alright. I chopped green onions and was crying like a wimp. The girls were making fun of me, but itās all cool. Now itās known that I donāt deal with those demonic foods (I hate green onions, shallots, and onions, pls)
It was horrible though, because I got moved to this lady, and she complained about me to this supervisor person. But no one explained to me how to correctly shop and pick them even though i asked. They just say,Ā āgood, bad, good badā without telling me why. I wish i was more experienced and had more skill in things... or to at least pick up things faster. I really hate being complained about, and being picked on. Why canāt I do things right?Ā
Iāve been watching Produce 101 season 2. Mmmmmm so many people I want to root for, but so little space for winning TT-TTĀ
Iām ultimately rooting for you LEE DAEHWI FIGHTING!!Ā
Oh, and the wedding... That trip .. only made me realize how much i really do hate my family. Maybe Iāll tale about it later.Ā
I was feeling alright the past couple of days, but I guss I went back to feeling down. Iām not really understanding what Iām going through, but some days I feel really happy out of nowhere. Those usually lasts 2 days. Sometimes just a few hours. Then there are times that lasts a couple of weeks, a few days sometimes, were I just feel normal. Not so sad, not so happy, perhaps a little content? And then.... most of my time is taken being extrememly down... really low, and I just feel so sad.I really hate it.
so an update on life?Ā
I got laid off from my work a little too soon. The good news is that I had earned just enough to pay for my summer class. The bad news is that I never got to say good bye to those who worked with me too that I gotten to know. Iām really sad because of this... I never even got to befriend Ken either. I really wanted to get to know him, even if just a litte. Iām sad I might never get the chance to again.Ā
Tomorrow in the evening Iām going to rhode island with my family for my auntās wedding. Iām both afraid and excited. I hope Iāll be able to enjoy my time their despite the mood Iām going through right now.Ā
mmm... I finally left the blog and nms fandom and what not. Since then I did become a lot more peaceful. My emotions are still every where though but I guess thatās a bit normal for me lol.
I suppose thatās it.. Iām a little too down so Iām not sure if thereās anything I have to write/type about.Ā
Work was so tough today ... and Iāve never been more disappointed in myself.Ā
I tried my hardest to the do the best I could while maintaining three tasks, but I could not get the materials avilable in time for my co workers, nor could i assemble the others in time either to clear their table. Even more, I couldnāt gather time to bring the assembled materials to the next workers, so they had to get it all themsevles. I felt bad. All around I would hear complains to the line leader about how the matierials arenāt ready in time for them to do their wor. I wanted to cry so bad. I even ended my lunch break 10 minutes earlier to prepare but that still wasnāt enough...Ā
Today was a tough day.. today was a bad day... and now itās raining ice.Ā
Today was so tiring- but ofc a tiring day = a good day (I think)
My fingers hurt from work so I wonāt be able to type much or as clear as I want to
Today I got moved around like three times. It was good because it made time fly by fast, but the amount of energy I had to use was ... a lot.Ā
Anyway, since Iām tired, I will just state the things that happened to me today.Ā
I got moved near leader Kenās line. I got to help them up for a bit while waiting for my assignment.
I got to talk to this old man who was pretty cool
Thereās also this other old man who is starting to seem like a creep to me. He pointed out my arm hair and started talking about hair āinsideā. Iām like... inside where?
I talked to a new boy named Kevin who drives to work with me. Heās pretty cool. Pretty rude though. His first text to me was,Ā āyou look stupidā. okay.Ā
My new line leader is pretty nice and friendly. Unlike Ken. I donāt know her name though.Ā
I tried to talk to Ken today during lunch break. It didnāt go anywhere. I poked him and asked if he was okay. I felt like he gave me a death glare for disturbing his meal time. He just responded with yea or something idk i was too scared.Ā
I worked on my knees for about half an hour until my line leader and Ken gave me a table. That was about the happiest moment in my life.Ā
Oh yea. The first old man said that I wasnāt too big or too small and that I was just perfect when I told him I wanted to lose weight. Heās a good man.Ā
Once again Ken was with his team. Bless him for staying focused. I even saw him take over another workerās job while they went to the bathroom. I was Ā truly touched when I saw him doing that. He makes me proud.
I think thatās everything... to end, is it weird that I want to hear ken sayĀ ācome on barbie lets go partyā ?Ā
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