Fix Me, Motherfucker!

Amanda Young. Yellow Section. I should be RED, since that is the only color that I see. Twenty-Seven. Stockholm Syndrome.

[demonqueenheather-deactivated20]

Amanda seemed frazzled. Fuck. ‘You triggered some horrible repressed memory and now she hates you.’ Margo thought to herself. ‘Wow Marg. Really fucking narcissistic, aren’t we?’ Jesus Christ, she was fucking everything up, but what else was new? “Are you alright, Amanda?” She finally managed to  choke out.

[amandathepawn-blog]

"Always am." This could not be further from the truth, but it was not the other girl's fault. Amanda's brain was constantly altering from reality to fantasy, from present to memory, and there was no determining when she would or would not remained rooted in either world. "---Not your fault," she acknowledged softly. "---Always being pulled from there to here. Not on you."

[potatogee]

[demonqueenheather-deactivated20]

Wow. Margo had to give it to her, the woman seemed to have a way with words. “That’s some heavy stuff.” She whispered. Suddenly she that the woman- who’s name she still did not know- seemed to be lost in thought. Probably from thinking about whatever form of hell she had been through in her past. And it was her fault that she had to think about whatever it was. “I’m Margo, by the way.” She went on, desperate to change the subject. Despite everything the woman had admitted, Margo still desperately wanted the woman to like her.

[amandathepawn-blog]

Suddenly, she could smell him. The scent of his hair, but most prominently, the smell of his breath. It was a strange mix of tequila that had been spiked with God knew what and cigarettes. When he smelled like soap, Amanda would become concerned and insist that they chug down a bottle of vodka and share whatever number of lighters remained in their packs. Those had been the days when she could laugh from the bottom of her gut; and the smell of smoke often accompanied that of week-old cold pizza that did not need to be pre-heated to warm her from the inside out. The sound of the girl's name snapped her back into reality, and she managed a half-smile in response. "---Amanda," she whispered.

[amandathepawn-blog]

Amanda had acquired numerous survival skills over the years. It had been necessary to adapt to an ever-changing environment; she was never able to rely upon anything or anyone to stay the same. Her conversational and interpersonal talents were lacking, but if she was adept at anything, it was reading people. And when she looked at Collin, she saw a vulnerability in his eyes that she had observed in few others, a rare sort of kindness permeating there; but it was not only some singular kindness. It was compassion, and a determination to heal others. Part of her pitied him, a part of her soul that had been carved from years of neglect and abuse and contempt; but a much bigger, more pure segment of her soul admired it, wanted to cultivate it for her own. “Handsome and sweet,” she commented, and now, all of the malice and protectiveness that had been in her voice upon meeting him had absolved into nothing, and she was as vulnerable as he was. Amanda did not respond to his comments about her potential, because she could not believe them; she had suffered too much to be repaired, and right now, she was much more interested in learning about him. “–Why did you decide to become a nurse, Collin?” she asked softly, studying his face with intent.

[collinxledger-blog]

Collin could feel her eyes on him, he could tell she was studying him and that only made him grow more nervous. After all, he had only been here for a few months. He was more used to medical hospitals than psychiatric wards. All of the people that surrounded him had much darker pasts than he did and therefore some of their mental capabilities were much more defined and stronger than his, but he didn’t let that thought discourage him from doing the best he could. 

There, she did it again. She had complimented him. Collin felt himself redden once more, though this time is was not as bright as the last and barely lasted two seconds. He cleared his throat as to whip clean the conversational board, but she had already taken care of that. He knew that it wasn’t seen as professional to share personal information with the patients, especially with the more dangerous ones that could use those details against him, but he didn’t agree with that. It was only fair for him to share some things with the patients since every staff member held every information about each patients. It was a way for Collin to build trust between him and them. After a seconds of reflexion, he opened his mouth but nothing came out. He closed his lips and gave it another try “I enjoy helping others.” he said in a small voice “My father had suffered a few mental illness when I was young, and since .. that day, I decided that when I’d be more adept to helping people, I’d do whatever is necessary for me to get them on the path to recovery.” His chest had grown an icy cold feeling that began spreading to his lungs, as if the room temperature had just dropped by five degrees. Luckily for him, his tea kept him warm and managed to overtake the cold feeling in his body.

[amandathepawn-blog]

He felt inadequate. Amanda could tell. She could tell by the way that he averted his eyes and grew silent at the sound of her speech. Perhaps he was new to the establishment as she was, of course, under much different circumstances. He might be revered, after all, he was so young and looking after such disturbed residents. She was feared; she was pitied; she was treated as lesser than human by some of the staff. Even though she had grown used to being regarded as inferior, years before entering the ward, a person could never accept that sort of mistreatment. It made her even more cunning and closed-off, determined to wield what little power she held to empower herself further.

The reddening of his cheeks was more than attractive, and for a split second, she forgot who she was, and she forgot about her mission to mask her identity. The smile slipped onto her lips, a gentle one, an admiring one that John would have admonished had he ever seen it. And he had--- he had seen it on her face when he spotted her with Adam. And he had instructed her to kill him; and after he was dead, she never smiled like that again. Not until now. "That sounds selfless," she commented in a calm voice, leaning back, and finally taking a sip of the tea that he had delivered to her. The stuff was warm against her lips, hotter as it slid down her throat, and she basked in the silence of the liquid for several seconds before speaking once more. "---I would call you foolish. But foolish people are always the best kind of people. Always looking out for others." A twinkle entered her hues and she leaned closer to him, tilting her head as to get a better look at him. "Your father would be proud of you. Not so many people are that well-intended."

[demonqueenheather-deactivated20]

Something about the way that the woman’s voice changed so abruptly startled Margo. She heard the desperation through her words and in a strange way, she admired that. She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Oh.”Again, it was all she could manage to say. How very eloquent. She tried again. “I’m sorry that you had to do that. I mean, especially if he was the one person who you trusted. That sounds really… horrible. I’m sorry.” Margo murmured. 

[amandathepawn-blog]

"Never be sorry," Amanda breathed in response, so quietly that the girl easily could have missed her words if she had not been listening closely. She sounded rather detached, and her gaze matched that sort of distance, traveling from the girl's and looking beyond. Every time that she thought of Adam, she felt the same mind-numbing grief. Feeling her hand trembling beneath her, Amanda restrained it with her other limb and returned her eyes to Margo's. "It does not matter," she said, even though it mattered more than anything else in the world. "---The past cannot be changed."

[amandathepawn-blog]

That was the look that she had been fearing. And that was the look that she had received. It would have stung, had she known him better, but Amanda was trying to train her heart not to become attached. If she did not care for anyone, then she could not be hurt. She could turn her heart to stone, and when it was demolished, she would feel nothing at all. Even still, when she willed herself to be strong, she felt weak. Her smile fell as his did and she averted her eyes, no longer having much interest in her beverage. “—I would have thought that you would hear worse as a nurse in a psychiatric ward,” she told him. “—Me having a knife for protection is not nearly the worst thing about me, after all. Better not get too close.” She chuckled, speaking about him, but really meaning herself. She could not let herself care about him, and yet, there was something charming about him already. “I never had many sweets as a child,” she said. “—Did not have much of anything, but I made do. My childhood was hard, but… but I would give anything to have it back now, given everything that has happened.”

[collinxledger-blog]

Collin felt a lump in his throat he tried to swallow with the help of tea. He never enjoyed the negative aspects of his job, but it came along with the good sides and he wasn’t one to reject a pleading hand in need of help “I did, but it doesn’t mean that I enjoy knowing that you ever needed to carry a knife around.” he looked up from the troubled tea in his mug and focused his gaze on her. Her traits had so much more depths than they allowed to show at first sight “A child being deprived of his or her childhood is the worst thing you could do to a being. It is that developmental period of your life that will determine how you act and behave as an adult.” The lump in his throat had now grown twice its size. He desperately wanted to scratch the side of his mug but he knew better than to show his anxiety to a patient. He had gotten better over the years at hiding his emotions, though he was no expert yet. “I know your childhood cannot be regained, but you can make the best of the second chance you are being given. It’s not gonna be easy, it never is, but I believe you can make it. You seem like a strong willed woman with a lot of misused energy that can be reformed and directed in another direction.” Collin felt himself rambling on, almost making no sense. He didn’t like giving what sounded like a prep talk to new patients, it felt like fake hopes. Yet, he meant every word of it. He knew it was possible.

[amandathepawn-blog]

Amanda had acquired numerous survival skills over the years. It had been necessary to adapt to an ever-changing environment; she was never able to rely upon anything or anyone to stay the same. Her conversational and interpersonal talents were lacking, but if she was adept at anything, it was reading people. And when she looked at Collin, she saw a vulnerability in his eyes that she had observed in few others, a rare sort of kindness permeating there; but it was not only some singular kindness. It was compassion, and a determination to heal others. Part of her pitied him, a part of her soul that had been carved from years of neglect and abuse and contempt; but a much bigger, more pure segment of her soul admired it, wanted to cultivate it for her own. "Handsome and sweet," she commented, and now, all of the malice and protectiveness that had been in her voice upon meeting him had absolved into nothing, and she was as vulnerable as he was. Amanda did not respond to his comments about her potential, because she could not believe them; she had suffered too much to be repaired, and right now, she was much more interested in learning about him. "--Why did you decide to become a nurse, Collin?" she asked softly, studying his face with intent.

[amandathepawn-blog]

The woman attempted to retort to the boy’s words, but she seemed to pause mid-sentence, earning her a highly sarcastic expression from Amanda. She did not know the boy, and though it could be risky, she had already taken a bit of a liking for him. She would never admit it out loud, and even though he might not technically have been a child, she still viewed him as one, and she had a soft spot for children. It was she, after all, who had convinced John to spare Lynn Denlon’s daughter. The little six-year-old had been locked inside of a room without oxygen, and Amanda simply could not bear it.

Now, hopefully the girl was alive. Her parents were dead, sure; her brother was dead, yes, but maybe she was coping. Or maybe she was like Amanda, doing drugs and selling herself for money. “—I would move along,” Amanda advised, but there was sharpness to her tone. When the nurse moved along, she looked at the boy and managed a tiny grin. “Good work, partner,” she said teasingly. “—I hardly think that she will be coming back here any time soon.”

[lostboynikita]

                 JUST FUCKING LEAVE, HE THOUGHT.  IT WAS ALMOST  PAINFULLY  OBVIOUS she wasn’t wanted, nor  needed.  so why was she still here?  nikita never thought he’d actually  MISS  his previous hospital.  at least then the nurses  ( more often than not )  tended to take the fucking hint  &  BACK OFF.  but here?  hell no, they didn’t know when to quit  &  his patience  ( despite only having been here for a few hours ) was running thin. 

‘ good.  she was beginning to get under my skin. ‘   nikita huffed, eyes raking along the woman’s appearance.  she was older, but he couldn’t quite place her age.  ‘ you been here long? ‘  he decides may be a better question.

[amandathepawn-blog]

"I was admitted a day or two ago," Amanda told him with a swift nod, eyeing the woman carefully as she walked away. A former drug-user had told her years ago, in the midst of shooting up, that she was the nurturing type. And although that person had exploded into insensible giggles afterward, Amanda had never let go what he said. She wondered if there was any validity to his claim now, when she realized that her eyes trailed after the nurse if only to make sure that she did not return--- for the boy's sake. She tried for a smile, and achieved, but the look was unimpressive. "---Yellow section." She allowed her eyes to scan him curiously. "What about you?"

[demonqueenheather-deactivated20]

Margo nearly choked. This woman had killed someone. That is, unless she was lying. They were in a fucking mental hospital after all. For all she knew, this woman could be a compulsive liar or something. But what if she wasn’t lying? What if she was actually a killer? Was she safe here? What if the unfamiliar woman tried to hurt her? Margo told herself to calm down. She put on a brave face and looked at the woman. “Oh.” She managed to say. “Why’d you kill him? Is that what got you put in here?” She blurted out without thinking.

[amandathepawn-blog]

This girl was a child. What had she been thinking? Telling her that she had removed the life of another? Stiffening up, Amanda decided that she would need to straighten herself out. She did not have sympathy for any type of person---- except for children. "---I didn't-" She began before she realized that lying would not get her anywhere. If she had any chance of regaining the girl's trust, then she would have to be honest. On the other hand, she did not know why she cared, but she did, and a large part of that reality bothered her. "---Okay, yes," she admitted more quietly. "I did kill him. I did not want to, but I did. And that is why I am here; it was either this place, or prison."

[amandathepawn-blog]

“No, no,” Amanda insisted, shaking her head, and moving to take back the girl’s hand into her own. It was foreign to her to touch the skin of another in a display of warmth, but she was willing to swallow her discomfort to provide the girl with some relief. She never tried to console others, but this girl seemed innocent: undeserving of the pain that she had been feeling. “You are a good girl,” Amanda insisted with a stronger nod this time. She had no evidence, but she could feel it. “–You are. But you do not need to prove it to anyone.”

[hayitsjess-archive]

Jess was slightly taken aback when the girl took her hand but she was glad, the comfort of the touch was nice and helped her to calm down again. She looked up at Amanda when the girl spoke. “I am?” She asked, not entirely convinced after a lifetime of being told otherwise, being told she was bad and wrong and a ‘mistake’ by the people who were supposed to love her “I have to prove it to the aliens so that they don’t hurt me again" 

[amandathepawn-blog]

"Yes, you are," Amanda confirmed in a more firm tone. She had very few attachments in her life, and that much was true both before and after her hospitalization; but for some reason that she could not place, she felt protective of this girl. Jess was still so young, so full of promise even if she had encountered rough patches in her life thus far. She had not thrown all opportunity away by committing severe crimes or seriously hurting people. "The aliens will not hurt you again," Amanda said in a much kinder voice, even offering a little smile. When she spoke, she did not patronize the girl for her mention of aliens. "---They cannot reach you here."

[amandathepawn-blog]

“I would not have thought that ending up in a hospital would have been in any of our cards,” the brunette girl relented as she watched the other person warily. Attention to detail had kept her alive and breathing in the past, and so she took in his appearance and demeanor with particular interest. “What is it that you are in for?”

[elias--rochester-blog]

“Fate works in funny ways. I often wonder if someone up there is laughing at us right now, applauding their own work.” Eli replied dreamily, before making his way up to the large window in the lounge, perching up on the ledge in order to stare out at the gardens. However, being asked that question, his demeanor changed and he turned around swiftly. “What if I told you it was none of your fucking business?” 

[amandathepawn-blog]

"Then I would tell you to keep your mouth shut," Amanda replied slickly. She was civil until someone disrespected her, and once that happened, she became much more stubborn. Amanda was aware that she could be just as snappy as the man ahead of her, but she had no patience for that sort of attitude being reciprocated. "---No one speaks to me that way," she said, only half-scathingly. "--Not the nurses. Not my poor sweet daddy. And most certainly not you."

[amandathepawn-blog]

Amanda flinched at the contact, but she did not pull away. Jess was lucky that she was young. Otherwise, the older woman would have viewed her with distrust. It would not matter the composition of her character then, the set of eyes would have changed perpetually. She did not know who she was speaking of, but Amanda did offer another wordless nod. She would make herself vulnerable for no one. “—I never knew my mother,” she divulged, if only to avoid the silence. “–And I sure as hell wish that I never knew my father.”

[hayitsjess-archive]

At the flinch, Jess moved her hands away and trembled, her eyes watering. “S..sorry..didn’t mean to hurt you” she said, cursing herself internally. She hated to cause anyone discomfort or pain, though occasionally it happened when she was very wound up usually it upset her to think she had hurt anyone. “Oh…I’m sorry. I bet my daddy wished he never knew me, I gots to fighting with him in the car, there were aliens! But then I crashed it. I hurt him, and myself. Now I just wanna prove that I am a good girl, so they wont hurt me again”

[amandathepawn-blog]

"No, no," Amanda insisted, shaking her head, and moving to take back the girl's hand into her own. It was foreign to her to touch the skin of another in a display of warmth, but she was willing to swallow her discomfort to provide the girl with some relief. She never tried to console others, but this girl seemed innocent: undeserving of the pain that she had been feeling. "You are a good girl," Amanda insisted with a stronger nod this time. She had no evidence, but she could feel it. "--You are. But you do not need to prove it to anyone."

[amandathepawn-blog]

Amanda could only offer a stiff nod in response. She had never known hugs, nor feeling loved. At least, not by her parents. Adam had loved her once, had told her on multiple occasions that he did; she felt it, too, but she had never told him. And that was a burden that she would carry with her for the remainder of her life. “—No,” she said softly, lowering her gaze and saying nothing more. “They did not.”

[hayitsjess-archive]

Jess didn’t want to upset the girl, though she noticed that she seemed sad and wanted to help. She extended a hand out to softly tap her shoulder, hoping it might be of some comfort though comforting people wasn’t her speciality. “Oh..well thats okay. It isn’t nice to be here no matter who did” Jess shrugged, trying her best not to upset the other girl “I would say Dolly could give you a hug but she’s still in my room, and teddy’s arms are too short for hugs really”

[amandathepawn-blog]

Amanda flinched at the contact, but she did not pull away. Jess was lucky that she was young. Otherwise, the older woman would have viewed her with distrust. It would not matter the composition of her character then, the set of eyes would have changed perpetually. She did not know who she was speaking of, but Amanda did offer another wordless nod. She would make herself vulnerable for no one. "---I never knew my mother," she divulged, if only to avoid the silence. "--And I sure as hell wish that I never knew my father."

[amandathepawn-blog]

“Have you ever been to prison before?” Amanda inquired curiously. She was hesitant to ask, because asking questions indicated getting to know a person; and in the past, when she became familiar with someone, they either murdered alongside her, or she had to murder them, in the end. She did not trust that a human being could survive her presence, let alone continue as a permanent part of her life. “–Have you always been crazy?” she asked next, an odd question perhaps. “—Or did someone push you over the edge? Something?”

[lvcians-deactivated20161102]

                    ‘ JUST JAIL.  WHEN I WAS A KID. ‘  HE’D ONLY BEEN THERE FOR THREE DAYS before leo was  finally  able to make bail  &  haul his ass out.  it was only a petty theft charge, so he’d merely received a slap on the wrist, he was just fifteen so they’d decided to go  EASY  on him.  ( though, he knows they just pitied him more than anything. )

the woman’s next question left him feeling  uneasy.  now she was getting  PERSONAL.  ‘ sorry, doll.  i don’t tell my  life story  to someone i met five minutes ago. ‘  shockingly, there wasn’t any harshness to his tone, maybe he was just too  tired  to be rude.  if anything this was probably the  most  lucian had disclosed to  anyone  at the hospital.

[amandathepawn-blog]

“Not a problem.” —And she meant it. Although Amanda had a tendency to fly off the hinge, she was not as erratic as the matrons liked to pretend that she was. She was damaged, sure, but if she was not provoked, she could at least be civil. Maybe she was sexist, she did not know, but she was often less batty with males. Perhaps that could be attributed to her years of being victimized by them. Nonetheless, when he refused to speak anymore, she did not push him, and instead became silent, eyes shifting around the room for something interesting to catch her attention. She found nothing. “—Better to know yourself better than another person does, after all.”

[amandathepawn-blog]

There was not much that she could say to the other girl. If she had been any older than she was, Amanda would have disregarded her completely; but she was still a child, still resembled a child, and for that reason only, part of her softened when she discussed her parents. “—It sucks,” Amanda allowed herself to say, brown eyes tentative as they rested upon the other female. “—Sorry about your mom and dad. It isn’t easy.”

[hayitsjess-archive]

Jess was ready to defend herself, used to be either just ignoring her totally or taunting her saying she was weird. She was surprised when the girl simply talked to her, looking up with wide brown eyes at the older girl. “Yeah, I miss them. I miss hugs and feeling loved” Jess said sadly, hugging her teddy close to her chest “Did yours send you here too?”

[amandathepawn-blog]

Amanda could only offer a stiff nod in response. She had never known hugs, nor feeling loved. At least, not by her parents. Adam had loved her once, had told her on multiple occasions that he did; she felt it, too, but she had never told him. And that was a burden that she would carry with her for the remainder of her life. "---No," she said softly, lowering her gaze and saying nothing more. "They did not."

[amandathepawn-blog]

“—-No. Because what happens is, they fuck you over. A person cannot care about another person. Not really. They can care about what they can take from them, what they can gain from being around them, but not about them for who they are. All of that is bullshit. No one has ever cared for me. No one ever will. Because that is not the way that life works. It’s a shitstorm and nothing more. Do not try to convince me otherwise.”

[hayitsjess-archive]

“Sometimes I feel like that, I feel like nobody loves me or cares about me. I’m not sure if my momma and papa care about me since they left me here. Pretty much all the staff people don’t care, they can be very mean”

[amandathepawn-blog]

There was not much that she could say to the other girl. If she had been any older than she was, Amanda would have disregarded her completely; but she was still a child, still resembled a child, and for that reason only, part of her softened when she discussed her parents. "---It sucks," Amanda allowed herself to say, brown eyes tentative as they rested upon the other female. "---Sorry about your mom and dad. It isn't easy."

[amandathepawn-blog]

“—-No. Because what happens is, they fuck you over. A person cannot care about another person. Not really. They can care about what they can take from them, what they can gain from being around them, but not about them for who they are. All of that is bullshit. No one has ever cared for me. No one ever will. Because that is not the way that life works. It’s a shitstorm and nothing more. Do not try to convince me otherwise.”

[demonqueenheather-deactivated20]

Margo gazed at the woman and took a sip of her drink. “Look, I’m not gonna try to convince you that every single person on this godforsaken planet is gonna care about you. In fact, I’d say that ninety nine point nine percent of the people that you’ll meet throughout your life won’t care. They’ll leave you as soon as they get whatever it is that they want. And don’t get me wrong, it really sucks, but the thing is, you have to think about the point one percent of people that are going to stay with you. They’re the ones that matter. At least, that’s the way I see it.” The girl explained.

[amandathepawn-blog]

The stranger's words cut her like a knife, like glass against her skin. She winced, recoiling back into herself, and clenched her teeth. The anger was misplaced, for the girl was reaffirming what she had already said. She was on her side, and yet Amanda could not help but to vilify her in her own mind; because if she had not opened her mouth, then the painful memories would not have resurfaced. They would not have been consuming her mind as they were now, forcing her to feel the guilt that she could never seem to shake. It did not matter how much time passed, or how much therapy she would receive here in the hospital; the remorse that she held surrounding her boyfriend's death would never fade. She took a step nearer to the girl, her eyes emotionless and still, never faltering from hers. "---I had one person like that," she said, her voice monotone. "---Until I killed him."

[amandathepawn-blog]

Good morning, everyone! ☺️☺️