Nobody Said It Was Easy.

"A sign of intelligence is that you're constantly wondering. Idiots are always dead sure about every damn thing they are doing in their lives."

[amandawn22]

Every beginning has an end.

When you expect something for years, something terrible, you don't realize that the thought of it, though it is haunting and brutally painful, cannot begin to compare to the harsh reality of it. As I sat there and watched my dad be taken out of my living room on a stretcher, knowing exactly why his body was failing, I crunched into a ball. My head hung as my forehead hit my knees and I began to sob. The tears were uncontrollable, my heart raced but my chest felt empty. I felt so many emotions I couldn't even pinpoint one. I was overwhelmed with the darkness that has encompassed him for years. I gained control, the tears began to ease, and I lifted my head. But, it was too heavy. I was too tired. Unwillingly, it fell back, as my knees caught it and the tears returned to a rapid flow down my cheeks, as I struggled to catch a real oxygenated breath. This battle was not beginning, it was reaching the beginning of the end. And with that hitting me in the face, I felt my whole life, my whole being shift into a very cold, dark, horrifying place. I let a couple hours pass before I could gain the courage to go and try and be there for him. But, I did it. I did my best. I walked into the ER and my heart pounded. "Was I wrong to send him here?" "Was I overreacting?" "He's sick. You know he's sick Amanda. His body can't take it, you did the best you could." "No. You failed him. Maybe he would've been okay." "Stop. Just stop it. Go in. Find the doctor and ask direct questions." I found his room, I saw him laying there, his stomach protruding further than his chin, from the toxic fluid that had taken over his body. His face, no matter how hard he tried to smile and be kind, was exhibiting pain, not physical pain. His harsh reunion with reality was setting in, and he felt shame, hurt, regret, lonliness, isolation, well an abundant list of unfortunate and sad emotions. Though, I face so many trials as a direct result of his choices, I couldn't feel angry with him, not while he laid in that bed in such a state of suffering. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with an empty hollow hopelessness. I went to find the dr, he was sitting at work station making calls and doing paperwork. And anyone whose spent some time in hospitals knows, approaching an ER doc at his workstation, asking questions, is risky business. You expect to be shooed away and assured he'll get to the room as soon as possible to answer questions. But once I told him I was the daughter of the man in "that" room, as I pointed to it, he stopped all he was doing, he looked me directly in the eyes, and gently and calmly gave me answers in the most thorough manner he could at that time. Though it was a kind thing to do, to give me the time of day, I almost felt discouraged by his sincerity when he said, "well the bottom line, young lady, is I'm very concerned about your fathers liver. It's not doing its job, and I will be sure he's admitted so we can have specialists look deeper and see what measures need to be taken." My eyes started to warm up as they filled with tears. I felt numb, I felt no need to sniffle to react to this news that felt so paralyzing, even though I had anticipated it long before that moment. He looked at me with sincere concern and said "do you have any more questions?" I silently weeped. I said, "do you have any indication of how bad the damage is?" His response, "unfortunately not. I hope that through admitting him, he can be seen by the right people to help him. I can say, he isn't medically stable and there's potential his condition could worsen rapidly." I thanked him for his time, and returned to my father. He looked me in the eyes when I entered the room. He gazed at me admirably, and looked at the tv to see a baseball game was playing (his favorite sport) then he turned to me, and he just observed me for a few moments, he in a slow weak voice he said to me, "do you remember when you used to t-ball baby? You were so cute out there in your little uniform running around. You've always thought five steps ahead and been so coordinated, it showed even at that young age." I felt myself fill with rage. As my thoughts followed quickly, "DONT. Don't do that. You don't get to do that. You don't get to act like this is the end. Not yet. FIGHT DAD. Fucking fight. Like you ALWAYS taught me. You can get past this. It's not time for reminiscing. It's time for growing. This isn't the end." But verbally all I could conjure up was, "no. I don't remember playing. I was very little. I do remember seeing the picture in the house though." His face dropped. My heart sunk. And this was the beginning of this very long, draining, still, ongoing cycle. That I have yet to find peace in, or make sense of.

[amandawn22]

Guess who's back back back? Back again gain gain..

It's been FAR FAR too long since I've taken the time to sit down and truly write. And to long since I've felt the urge to post a blog post. I honestly kind of wanted to start fresh with a new blog since its been an eternity since I've been involved in my writing. But I'm not gonna lie, the chaos my life is right now, and the whole fact that I'm a NEW mom of a 3 month old baby, made me decide to just build on what I've had going. My motive behind sharing the most raw and honest form of my life experiences, is for nothing more or less than that I believe others are going through similar experiences, who may or may not feel as okay with sharing those experiences. Which brings me to a hope that my ability to be honest and share the depths of my battles, will speak to someone in an encouraging way.. Whether it be a reminder they're not alone, or encourage them to keep fighting the brutal fight, and obviously the many other options. I believe the Internet/social networks are too obsessed with the idea that it gives us the ability to present ourselves in manner that we can give this false picture of our "perfect lives" and how "well put together" we are or whatever. Which is silly, because no ones life is as perfect as the Internet allows them to portray it. So I stand to fight against that, and utilize the ability to publicly share the RAW, NATURAL, COMMON, realities, we, as humans face daily. Though they're diverse, because no two of us lead the exact same life. Being able to offer the truth, allows someone to relate to it, rather than feel inclined to work so hard to deceive everyone in their cyber world. Which... I highly discourage. Even if you feel like a wreck, OWN it. Own all of it. Every single beautiful part of your messy life. Because thats exactly what each and every individuals life is.... A beautiful mess. Their willingness to admit it or not, is a different story. But reality can only be distorted, not altered. In other words, I'm back friends. Enjoy🙃

[amandawn22]

six.sixteen.fifteen.

There’s this thing, that happens to everyone at some point in their lives, if not multiple. It’s the moment that makes your head hang, and your chest hollow. It’s the time when life is whirling so fast around you, and you are in the position you are in, and have no clue how you’re going to make any of it work. Sometimes, it’s a moment of tragedy, loss, overwhelming unbearable physical or mental pain. The moment the chains wrap around your body from head to toe. You can’t move, all you’ve got are your thoughts, your words, and the sound of words of others.

Right now, I’m tightly wrapped in these chains. They are holding my hands at my sides, my legs so stiff and close together, a step in any direction seems impossible. It feels as though, slowly, each chain was added, one at a time. So I was okay with it. I could still use my arms, if it was my legs that got wrapped in it, or my hands, and so on. But I wasn’t aware, not at all.

Feels like I woke up one day, and suddenly it hit me. I was paralyzed. Incapable. Being let down by the ones I needed the most, thinking they were the ones who’d be there.

Illness is one of the hardest things to explain to anyone who doesn’t have the experience personally. Which, I’d never EVER wish upon anyone. It takes away so many things. It takes away your ability to function like you once did on a day to day basis. It not only steals that away, but while you lay there, incapable of being you, you are forced to endure physical pain and discomfort.

Doctors can’t answer your questions. No one sees the illness.

Then within a matter of hours, you are without a home, and now living with your boyfriends brother, whom, you really don’t know. Besides the couple drunkie convos that took place in the past.

You have no income, no hair, no self esteem anymore. Because you’re not really much of anything.

Just there.

[amandawn22]

The Exception.

You always hear phrases like, “Why reach for the stars, when there are foot prints on the moon?” or “When you believe in yourself, anything is possible.” I am some who has always been the type to find motivation at the thought of just possibility, alone. I have always believed in pursuing dreams, in becoming exactly who you choose to be. I always believed fate was just the result of action and reaction. I am by no means saying I do not believe that there are many people in this world, capable of being exactly what they hope to be, even if the odds are completely against them. I do. The only difference in myself today, and myself a few months ago, the words “many people” would have been “anyone”. But, I believe I have encountered the terrible exception to possibility. The exception to a life that can be lived based solely on your own actions, and decisions. That exception, is something that is unfathomable. Terminal Illness. When your biological processes become affected by disgusting painful and debilitating ailments that cannot be stopped. You no longer can pursue, “walking on the moon”. You feel lucky to be able to walk to the bathroom. I am not saying there is no hope or happiness in the life of an individual who is plagued by an incurable, disease that is slowly eating away at their body. All I’m saying is the raw reality of my prior statement is, the tremendous change that comes with illness, takes away one’s ability to participate in life, the way they once had. The range of hope, opportunity, and happy times, suddenly shrinks down to a very small gap of opportunity. Because when you wake up, and you feel like conquering a full day of college classes, and an evening of work, to then return home to tend to more coursework, but as you begin to sit up, you collapse unwillingly back into bed. Your mind tells you GO, and your body is saying, I can’t.

I recently was just hoping to raise funds to pursue treatment at Mayo and it all seemed like I’d get there. But then, within a matter of seconds, that perception of this whole thing changed. All of the sudden, my brain began to feel foggy, my knees felt weak, and excruciating pain began to fill my head. This pain was unlike anything I had ever felt in my entire life. I was unable to blink. It hurt to breathe too deep. It would send me into tears, which then added pressure to my pain, and tears stopped, in exchange loud screeches and moans of sheer pain came endlessly flowing out of me. Of course, this led me to the ER. Where they decided to do a spinal tap on me, came back clear. Sent me home.

Immediately I felt my pain worsening as I stepped out those hospital doors. And the next 6 days of my life, felt nothing like life at all. I was crippled, I was sunk in this dark hole that seemed to not have a way out. I felt as though my bones in my spine were being crushed by a bus. My head had a consistent pressure in it that made the idea of it being cut it open to relieve pressure, almost feel like a daydream, a fantasy. I could keep from screaming if I laid, silent, still, in a dark, cold, comfortable place. With absolutely no distractions. But one move, one strong scent, one gleam of light, and it felt like what I imagine having a drill go into your head felt like. So the cycle would restart. I’d cry, I’d scream, I’d calm down. I did not touch my phone, I was not able to walk anywhere but the toilet, being hugged or touched was not an option, because it hurt. It felt like everything good was being taken from me. I couldn’t even have physical human comfort, in the midst of this all, because it HURT MORE!?! My mind was so fogged by the pain I feel as though I was only partially awake the whole time. I couldn’t talk. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t do anything. I just laid there and felt my whole entire body be owned by a pain that I never EVER EVER want to feel again. I thought I was going to die at one point. I remember crying and screaming and saying, “Oh God, please! Please just make this stop! Make it go away!” “Will this ever end? How do we make it stop? Someone please help me!! Please!!” I sounded as though I was laying on the street after being hit by a car, with crushed bones all inside me, or something of this sort.

I returned to the ER, only to find out that my spinal tap did not heal correctly and all this time it was leaking. The best part was they could do a procedure called a blood patch, to clot the area and eliminate this excruciating pain. The worst part was this procedure was WAY more painful than the first one. I cannot explain what it felt like to go through that. And I won’t. Because it’s over, and I’m glad.

It took about two days for me to regain my ability to walk, move, see clearly, articulate sentences, and actually think clear. But I did in fact, slowly come out of the dark pit that sucked me in.

About less than a week after this, I went to my first appointment with a rheumatologist. Only to find out, I have fibromyalgia. Which meant the pain I felt from all this was amplified by about 5 times what someone without fibromyalgia would feel. But the truth is, fibromyalgia only explains a small inkling of what my symptoms present.. tests are being ordered specialists are working with me.

This is only the beginning…

to contribute to a fundraiser i have created please go to:

www.crowdrise.com/destinationdiagnosis/fundraiser/amandasanchez2

[amandawn22]

The truth is, that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don't last. You might think you know someone, until you see the way they act when they're out of money, or under pressure, or hungry, for goodness' sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone despite their filthy heart. Love is patient, and it is kind. Love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice. It is seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

[amandawn22]

I believe I am correct...

When I say that we are exactly who we choose to be.

Nobody is going to come save you.

You have to save yourself.

Nobody is going to give you anything.

You have to go out and fight for it.

Nobody knows what you want, except you.

And, nobody will be as sorry as you, if you do not get it.

So, do not give up on your dreams. 

[amandawn22]

June 5th, 2014

Today is just another day to a lot of people. I have realized that lately. That we only pay attention to time when life gives us a reason to. It’s not something that we stay aware of. Because as humans we have this tendency to gain some form of confidence that we acquire through success and we then, forget how tiny we actually are. We are obsessed with instant gratification. Getting what we want, when we want. Being humble is a quality that is rare to come across. I feel like everyone is looking around wondering why people are on drugs, dying, killing, raping, addicted to something, in need of mental help!? But why is that even a question at this point? How many people truly feel positive about our world and the condition it is in today? Not many. Some are hopeful. I am one, and I truly hope many are hopeful.  Why is finding the fine line between existing and living, a constant battle? It gets complicated when you bring society's pace and technology into play. But I mean, overall, people are lost. No one knows how to save themselves. Nothing makes perfect sense. And I sit here, feeling like a tiny little spec right now. In this moment, I am aware of my significance when I step back and look at the big picture. That’s a silly way to look at things? I feel like I am fighting so hard to stay alive in a world that I don’t even matter in. But, that would be the big picture. That is an incredibly heavy statement. But, who am I to say what the big picture is? I don’t know what that even means.

But I do know that today, I am not a spec. In reality, not the big picture, I matter. Not because someone says so. Not because I have something special that makes me superior to those around me. But just because I am here. I. Amanda... I am here. The thought of my existence is almost impossible to even partially fathom, scary, and extremely beautiful. You have one body, one life, and most of the time, one chance. Whether you call that luck, blessing, fate, or an accident. I am going to take what I was given and use it.

Sometimes I stop and find myself wondering why I care about anything? Why do I care about half the things that are weighing on me? 

When I was in high school and I traveled across the world, my mind was blown. I hadn’t seen far past my back yard and next thing I know, I’m leaving Arizona, and landing in Europe.It was a completely different world. I remember the feeling I felt when I stood in the middle of that country. When I slowly spun in a circle to survey my surroundings, all three hundred and sixty degrees that surrounded me. I stood there and listened to the music, watched people move on about their days. I felt like I was in a dream. I then, realized, how large of a world we live in. The massive amount of things, that this earth holds. That understanding is one, many lack. Or, obtain and choose to ignore. Because they don't care to see or listen. Or, someone does not care to teach them. It is something to be reminded of.

It reminds you that having the latest iphone isn’t the end of the world. Or that you don't NEED to eat out because it's easier, that media is NOT reality. That there is more out there. That settling for suburbia and a close commute for a daily job to make my daily routine easier seems like a waste. I understand people have to settle and create a life. I do. I get that much. But I feel like travel is such a luxury these days and it shouldn’t be. Everyone is being pushed further and further into their homes and themselves. Kids don’t know how to socialize without technology, robots perform human tasks, a piece of paper, a good majority of us will spend the rest of our lives paying off, is necessary to find yourself successful and stable in this world. Receiving quality medical treatment is unheard of. You are no longer a patient. Just a number that is worth something to a corporation. Once treated, you, then, move forward to pay them back for their ever so kind gesture.

A mindset has been adapted that we are all out to beat each other at this race. I just want to take a stroll, or float around on my back, until it's over. Because, I’m not trying to compete with anyone, I hope we all win. 

[amandawn22]

A strong person isn’t one who does not cry. A strong person is one who sheds tears for a moment, then picks up her sword and fights again.

[amandawn22]

Simple things make life pretty.

I sleepily walk onto to patio and sit in my favorite chair, the chill in the air has such a sting, that I find a sweater necessary. I wrap both of little hands around my coffee mug, to provide them the warmth they need. I light up my first cigarette of the day, and slowly exhale the smoke. The sun pushes it's light through the trees, where the birds are perched, singing good morning. It is just enough sunlight to warm the surface of my skin... I am grateful for solitude. For this day. And for the fact that, the choice is mine, how I will use the time I'm given.

[amandawn22]

[amandawn22]

"You didn't love her. You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life. But you didn't love her. Because you don't destroy people you love."

-Greys Anatomy I saw this on a psychology website, and got all excited about two of my nerdy favorite things being put together. :)

[amandawn22]

Remember, to remind yourself...

Sometimes I have days, where I feel stale, I feel stuck in routine, stuck in a cycle. I feel myself lacking enthusiasm, or enjoyment for my tasks. I feel myself, taking my life for granted.

Sometimes reminding yourself, of where you really are in life, is just what you need to feel appreciation for the day, and to remember the value of time.

So, I was reading through old journal entries, and, words won't even do it justice.

I am so grateful for the strength and drive, that I obtain. They are the fuel to all the progress, I have, and do make. 

Where I have been, where I was, where I am now, and where I will go, where I have yet to go. 

What a feeling, to feel. I see myself gaining more control of my life. Growing and flourishing with each and every new day that passes. 

I am going to school. Working for a future that I want for myself. 

Working a job, that provides enough money. Where, my name holds a respectable place. It may not be a name that is liked by all, but it is respected. 

I am loved, by a strong, established, consistent, handful of beautiful people. 

I am barely beginning...

[liberatingreality]

Despite popular belief to the contrary, there is absolutely no power in intention. The seagull may intend to fly away, may decide to do so, may talk with the other seagulls about how wonderful it is to fly, but until the seagull flaps his wings and takes to the air, he is still on the dock. There’s no difference between that gull and all the others. Likewise, there is no difference in the person who intends to do things differently and the one who never thinks about it in the first place. Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions? Yet intention without action is an insult to those who expect the best from you.

Andy Andrews (via liberatingreality)

[amandawn22]

Truth hurts.

I miss you. I think about you way more often then you would think. You cross my mind multiple times a day dad. I want to say so many things to you. I want to share so much with you. But I'm still trying to figure out if it's you I want, or the idea of you, maybe what you could be. But either way, it doesn't matter... Because you feel alone. Like you're not missed. You are. You did so many horrific things, yet you're still loved. By more than just myself. There's no words. Nothing to say to you. You are broken, and you have broke so many people. You are mad. You are raging inside with anxious emotional scary thoughts and feelings. I understand the thirst for substance. I understand the need to feel set free. What's sad... Really sad. Is you can. But you don't. I hope you do before it's too late though. I hope you do. I did. Mom did. You can. I tell myself you won't. Like everyone else. But deep down, I find myself hoping, thinking, telling myself, You will. Because I know you can. I know dad. I know you can, more than you know. My heart falls into the pit of my stomach every time I think about you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you. So. Much. I see you everywhere I go. You don't see me though. Because you can't. Because you don't know me well enough to see me. Maybe you see little me. I'm a grown woman now dad. And you only know the little one on your lap. You don't know who I am. What I'm about. My desires. My hopes. My dreams. You don't know that I love the sunset and coffee. You don't know that I'm scared. Scared of everything you showed me. I try to keep my life pretty. And neat. You made it messy. I hate you for that. I hate you for a lot of things. I only hate you, because I love you. I can feel anger and confusion because I care. Because I miss your sad eyes and your gentle but strong touch. I miss your smell. I miss the coffee in the morning. I miss hugging you. I miss you. I talk about you as though you're gone now. Because you act like your life is over. Your life isn't over. So stop being a fucking coward. Stop hiding. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. God. I hate you. Just figure it the fuck out already. Your hypocrisy, your anger, your abuse All has been overlooked. My love, doesn't leave. I don't believe in leaving. My absence in your life is not because of me. We both know that. Whether you're capable of consciously knowing or not is a completely different story. But dad, I'm 22. Emma is still my best friend. The worst thing I do is get too drunk and act silly. I want to commit my life to trying to help kids that go through what I did, walk the path a little easier. I know I'm not old, but I've met a lot of people. And seen a lot of things. And I am also well aware, that the clock is ticking, and time is not waiting for me. Or, for you....

[amandawn22]

"Associate yourself with people of good quality, for it is better to be alone than in bad company."

[amandawn22]

Today I am Thankful For...

In honor of tradition, and the universal human need for more conscious thinking.

I promised myself that the month of November, I will take a minimum of 5 minutes to write down, something that I am thankful for. We live in a very fast paced world. Survival requires so much time, sometimes it’s overwhelming. Especially as an employed college student. I never appreciated sleep, as much as I do now.

5 minutes, is definitely doable. There is no excuse, not to do it. I think it is important to find ways to enable your mind to produce positive thoughts. Because in the midst of our crazy lives, our thoughts easily become clouded by the planning, stress, to-do’s, of daily life. And, we forget why we do what we do, and all the important things that come along with it.

I have some free time between classes. So, I decided to sit outside in this beautiful weather, and share, what I’m thankful for today.

November 4th-

Today I am thankful for the type of life I was given. By that, I mean I am thankful for being born in to the economic class I was born into. I am thankful that I can sit outside and use wifi to do homework, at the college I attend. Because, I am fortunate enough to pursue an education. I not only have clothes on my back, but they are clothes that I chose for not only practical reasons. But, for unnecessary reasons as well. I have the choice to make purchases based on appearance. I am thankful that I am a 22 year old young woman who has such a vast amount of opportunity at her fingertips. Part of it is earned, but there is a part that I know, was just handed to me.

The “basics” are not something to be forgotten, or taken for granted. They are something to appreciate. To utilize. 

I have a hunger to learn, an intelligent mind, all the resources needed to succeed. And, I have options. I get to choose where I want to go with my passion and future. I am able to utilize things, that not everyone is given. And for that, I am thankful…

[amandawn22]

To Begin....

A few weeks ago, I did some research on how much time the average person spends on social networks daily. The answers I found, were not surprising. But, they were thought provoking. So, I deleted all social network accounts with the exception of Instagram. (Only because it makes me feel like a pro picture taker). But, I have been thinking of trying to find a more effective way to utilize social networks without the mindless scrolling. Reading about, the new clothes someone bought, or the sandwich they had for lunch. That's cool and all. But, in my opinion, it's kind of a mind numbing practice that easily turns into a habit. 

My point here is, I am going to start a blog. This one to be exact. 

I did not want to delete my tumblr account so, there are prior posts on my blog from years ago. But I don't want it to be used for the same reason it was before. 

I love to write, it is my personal way to let things out, be creative, spend time with myself.

I have read multiple entries to multiple people I hold very close to me. 

For about a year or so, I have had multiple people in my life be persistent about me starting to share my writing. I have tried so many times. But something held me back. I had so many blog posts, that I set as private. I'm not sure what it is that happened, but I feel more comfortable now with sharing my stuff with you all.

Which, leads us to how I found myself logged back into a social network.

I am indeed, going to re-open my Facebook and possibly Twitter, only to link my posts to those sites. Because I would love for the friends and family I have on those sites to be able to click on the link and come to my blog and follow my writing if they'd like. 

I have such an overactive mind, full of ideas, opinions, questions, etc. 

Welcome to my crazy little head.... :)