[amandazulkarnain]

Saw this post on twitter and just realised how so much more independent i have become ever since i got married. From not knowing how to assemble a furniture, to being able to assemble most of the furniture in our home all by myself. From not knowing how to fill up the air in my tires, to being able to do it all alone. From not being able to operate a vacuum cleaner, to knowing all the mechanisms about it. I used to be treated like a princess, but i don’t think i have felt like one in a long time. My mind is always working out on having to work so hard and earn so much money to support the life that i want. Sometimes it feels like i can live alone and do things on my own.

[yms1]

I always come back to u tumblr

[belmasworld]

tumblr understands me.

[xdrop]

[01101010010101-10101001010110-d]

[writingsforwinter]

Does anyone know what I mean - how unbearably lonely it can be to spend so much of your life stuck in past trauma, and how some nights are so agonizingly lonely that nothing feels good, so you go somewhere or do something to try to get away from your feelings but nothing can distract you?

What do you do on those nights? What do you do when nothing feels good or even remotely okay?

[amandazulkarnain]

[amandazulkarnain]

Some days,

I’m just living, surviving, waiting for the next day.

Other days,

I’m waiting, longing, actually living, life sometimes suddenly seems promising, fulfilling, complete.

But most days,

I’m just sleepwalking through this life, praying, waiting, hoping, that God will play my cards right in the next life, amen.

[amandazulkarnain]

Sometimes, I would hyperventilate at the thought that in this lifetime, you get only one chance, one chance to meet the person who truly and deeply aligns with you.

This person would come to you and bring out the light and glow within you. You’d be happy. You’d forget what tears are. You’d build a life together. They’ll be with you through all your life phases. You’d feel complete. And if you’re lucky enough, they’d be the ones who stay.

But sometimes, God puts them in your life just for a brief moment. A short bittersweet moment. To let you get a little taste of heaven —on earth. But they were never meant to stay. Were they meant to be a lesson? Or is that it? Just a short encounter between two people, who fell in love but was never meant to be.

There are so many things that I bury too deep within myself. I convince myself that I have made my peace. But sometimes, they resurface. I keep running back to the same feeling because I guess, that is the only feeling I will ever know.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll meet you again in another lifetime. But for now, goodbye.

[amandazulkarnain]

Listen to me.

With no judgements, listen to my plea.

I’m telling you this please, listen to me.

I am done crying, grieving.

Honestly I don’t know what I have left in me.

[killed-long-ago-deactivated2021]

“And I knew it. That’s the worst part: I knew it.”

— Marguerite Duras, The North China Lover (via wordsnquotes)

[amandazulkarnain]

Cinta itu diletakkan terlampau tinggi oleh media massa.

Bagi aku cinta adalah seadanya.

Cinta adalah apabila engkau belajar untuk menerima segalanya.

Cinta adalah toleransi,

antara dua parti.

Cinta adalah apabila engkau dan dia sanggup mengharungi segala liku-liku kehidupan yang bakal dicurahi oleh Illahi.

Cinta adalah pengorbanan.

Cinta itu tidak sempurna.

Cinta bukan hanya sekadar yang indah dimata.

Cinta adalah apabila engkau dan dia bersama bersedia menghadapi dunia dan yang selepasnya.

[amandazulkarnain]

Cukup kah cinta kerana agama?

Yang sebenarnya kau letak aku di mana?

Cukup kah cinta kalau hanya dari kata-kata?

Mungkin aku yang cepat terasa, setiap gerak geri kau dengan aku, aku perhati.

Setiap hal kecil yang berubah aku perasan namun aku simpan.

Kalau aku tegur kau, kau melenting.

Kalau aku menangis kau bilang ‘aku tak patut menangis’.

Mana mungkin boleh aku kawal perasaan aku?

Kau nak aku tapi kenapa kau buat aku sampai macam ni? Layan aku sebegini?

Kadang-kadang aku benci, benci, benci.

Doa kepada Illahi beri aku ruang, mungkin peluang, untuk perbaiki? Atau mungkin untuk lari?

Acap kali aku buntu.

Yang hanya mampu aku laku, adalah teruskan berdoa pada yang satu.

[amandazulkarnain]

Like Alina Baraz once said, “I’m not asking for too much I’m asking the wrong motherf****r, just cause we’re in love doesn’t mean that we’re right for each other.”

[amandazulkarnain]

Yang ditipu, yang menipu,

Semua depan mata aku.

Dosa kau, sebahagian dosa aku,

Sebab aku diam, bisu, terkaku,

Tak tahu patut beritahu, atau,

Diam seribu.

[amandazulkarnain]

Malam suram,

Kelam,

Tak tenteram.

Fikiran bercelaru,

Kaku,

Bisu,

Aku buntu.

Masa depan,

Masa silam,

Siapa faham?

Siapa dendam?

Ingin seperti dahulu,

Hidup aku,

Namun mana mungkin,

Akan ku selam.

[amandazulkarnain]

I’m under so much pressure,

I’m under so much pain,

I’m under so much stress,

I think I’m going insane.

I joke about suicide,

I say I want to die,

Well it’s been on my mind,

and it makes me breakdown and cry.

I don’t know where to run,

I don’t know where to go,

My life is half empty,

the other half is so-so.

I am happy,

I am sad.

I am angry,

I am mad.

I feel everything at once, but most of the time,

I feel none.

[amandazulkarnain]

Not the first thing on your mind -and that’s ok.