A M A R I S C.

The snippets of a Latina who moved to the land down under and how she adjusts to life with an Australian cowboy and two toddler boys.

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This is what our usual weekends look like. Watching dad and uncle Caleb take care of some cows. Spray them for tics, separate them for selling, dehorn, brand, anything and everything. This is the farmer life. 

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Emma + Wayne. Just waiting on you to make an appearance baby Vui. 

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Amaris + Elias. Why would I delete the ones that he looks silly in? After all that is his true nature. We need to update our photos again. 

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Megan Swan, Formal.

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Emily’s Baptism. 

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I think our favorite days are rainy days. You’d only understand if you lived on a farm...with boys haha. 

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We love our baby goats! We love baby anything, but none of my kids ever held one because they kept getting scared haha. So Grandma and Grandpa had to help Lochsley gain some confidence. 

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That one time we traveled 4+hours to go to a dog trial with daddy. Because he loves cows and we love him too much to say no. We were in the hot sun watching dogs chase cows for a good 6 hours. Let’s just let daddy make it a boys day with just his brother from now on haha. 

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Playdates with our cousins. I swear we spend more time here than we do at home. 

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Shakira + Zephaniah. A day in the life. 

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Rani + Josh 

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Blackmore Girls 

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Farm life, every day chores. Give dogs a run, play & feed. 

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Rea baby #3 coming...

Yay ! I have shivers just writing about this ...oh my gosh! Okay so we decided we wanted to try for baby #3 and we got it in the first try, while still breastfeeding. Surprisingly!

So...I literally have no clue about ovulation cycles and what not so the first time I tried I saw that I wasn’t ovulating, so I thought I was fine. We didn’t want to try for the third baby until March 2018 which is our anniversary and I wouldn’t be pregnant or nauseous, because both of my previous pregnancies have been nausea all day, every day, for 9 months. It’s actually really horrible and I hate being pregnant. So I wanted to enjoy my food while I could and maybe be breastfeeding free while I was away too so I could feel like myself a little bit, have my own boobs to myself haha. 

Anyway I missed my period by three days and I am usually always on time, and we were going on a road trip and well I didn’t want to because I knew my period was close. But I went anyway, it was fine and we ate chicken schnitzels on the way and some hot chips and I felt super sick afterwards, I woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to throw up so bad. That was weird but I just thought it was like something that was bad from there but nobody else was sick. 

Then a week passed by and there was no period, and I usually do not spot when I am pregnant so I didn’t wait for that symptom. Then two weeks later I went to the doctor and took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I was so dissapointed and embarrassed and the doctor mentioned it could be stress. But I knew that I was not super stressed at that time in my life and it wasn’t that. I had ongoing opinions about being pregnant and not being pregnant. I felt silly and maybe like I was just making it up. I didn’t have any clear symptoms except a missed period. If I was truly 6 weeks pregnant I would have nausea by now and I would feel exhausted. I didn’t have any of that the only symptom I had that night after eating a chicken schnitzel burger was that I woke up the same as last time wanting to throw up. It was so weird. 

Anyway, whenever we said family night prayers in my house, my husband started praying for the baby in my belly and I remember telling him not to because I didn’t have one even though I wish I had. He told me he knew there was one in there and I would know it soon too. I just thought he was being silly, and I was getting kind of annoyed tbh because, hormones. 

It was 7 weeks now and I decided I should take another pregnancy test as I started to feel nauseous on some days and just started craving things I don’t usualy like. 

For some reason I craved ginger candy and also hamburgers. I couldn’t stand the thought of dairy though. 

So we went groceries and I got some prego tests. 3 for $17 like are you kidding me? Yes, but anyway I took it the morning after and....it was a positive straight up. I was so excited! But also very scared. How the heck was I gonna take care of my kids if I was sick? I have two boys under three that like to run around the house and have biting fights every hour. How was I going to do this and make dinner, clean my house, grow my business, and just give my 100% in our marriage. I felt so overwhelmed and so nervous. Yeah sure I wanted a baby because little humans are extreme blessings and I just love babies and knowing that God trusts me to raise children of His to bring back to Heaven one day. But, what have I done? How will I cope? How will this affect my anxiety and depression?

I started panicking and then I felt a silent comfort in my heart, a feeling of peace and tranquillity. What was supposed to be the worst time of my life (pregnancy) suddenly didn’t feel like it was going to be the same this time. 

The next day I was at the docs and told him I had gotten a positive pregnancy test even though I was there two weeks ago. He decided to retest me and send em for some blood work. I did it all under two hours because my kids were at grandma’s and I needed a break and I was in no rush. This was a time for me and baby to just accept that baby was coming and he was present and that I knew and I was grateful for it, even though I prayed I would not be as sick as the other two. 

“It’s positive!” I texted my husband. Yasss! We were expecting and I was 7 weeks and I was not nauseous! That was a big exciting thing on its own. 

I’m still 7 weeks and I had one horrible day of nausea and then the rest of the time I have just been low energy, exhausted, and just desperate for some naps.

I haven’t been super keen to eat but I CAN eat and that is a HUGE blessing from my last two! The gratefulness that I feel that this pregnancy is going good is  immeasurable. For so long I have been praying for a pregnancy like this, I didn’t want to hate pregnancy, I really didn’t. I prayed and pleaded for an awesome pregnancy at least once in my life. I really wanted to know what it was like to love to be pregnant and I feel it now! I know I am early and I am only 7 weeks and weeks 8 and 9 can go very differently and rougher but by this time last time I already wanted to throw up every hour. 

I am so blessed and so excited! I am not holding back on announcing until week 12 like I did with the others. I know this may be frowned upon by some but honestly what helps me get through my hard times in life is trying to read someone’s experience or hear it on you tube and know that they were there once too. If I have a miscarriage then I will write about it, if I don’t then I will still write my RAW feelings about it all. I am just so blessed to be pregnant at this time and so grateful. I am so excited to meet you baby!

Cravings: Ramen noodles, watermelon, avocaod, quesadilla, pasta, mexican rice, , burgers and fries, vegetarian food. 

Aversions: Meat, Dairy, Ice cream, chicken schnitzels, dessert of any kind. 

Size: Blueberry

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Just another night with a panic attack.

Breathless and shaky, I look back at the clock, it’s only 1:25 am. I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel like I can’t swallow. I get myself up and slowly walk up to the light switch, up it flicks. I can’t remember the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep. It didn’t even feel like sleep though, it was more like lingering limbo between reality and unconscious thoughts. I was aware of the nightmares, the constant fear of forgetting to feed my children dinner, or forgetting to turn off my straightener before I fell asleep.

 I lay there thinking, what if I am awake for a reason, or what if something terrible is happening. A short in the electrical walls of my house, or what if one of my kids isn’t breathing? I better check. Phew. Alright, I’ll check them again in two minutes. Now I am just going to lay here and try to breathe it out. I lift up my hand, and it feels heavier than a brick. I can’t really see clearly either as my eyes are still adjusting to the light.

 Now, why did I waking up freaking out? Why again? Was it because I had a bit of sugar for dessert. Did I stress about something too much today. Honestly, who knows, I’ll be up all night if I think about it. I need a peaceful distraction until I can get sleepy again. Let me just check the kids again. Yep, still breathing.

Now where is my phone, mmm, whoop there it is. Let’s check out Instagram. Photos, pretty, ooh that’s pretty! Ugh I will never be that good. Okay new distraction, YouTube. Let’s catch up with some Jelian Mercado or some Ellen Fisher, she always makes me happy. Sigh. I wish I lived in Hawaii. Instead, I live in poisonous Australia. I mean what if my kid gets bit by a poisonous snake tomorrow? It almost happened last week.  Ugh I am exhausted. I hope these kids wake up late. I hope I feel better in the morning…..

I feel wet on my lips, ugh what is that? Oh just my husband kissing me good morning! I catch a simple sight of his yellow shirt as he walks out of the room quietly, then I hear footsteps out the door. What is the time? I look for my phone, linger my fingers through the blanket, I find it in the crease between my right leg and the edge of the bed. It’s 6:37 am, my stomach is rumbling, but I am exhausted I think I stayed up on my phone for 45 minutes before I knocked out again. I roll around and my back is suddenly achy and my jaw is so tight. I must have been clenching my teeth the whole night.

 “Whaaaah, mumma”. Sigh. Better get up it’s 7:10am and Liam wants breakfast. Great day already. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I have a break? Let’s hope the kids behave today. Hello Monday….

    #panicattacks #ppd #pospartumanxiety #postpartumdepression 

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Day 5- Light the world

Honor thy father and thy mother...

I grew up in San Diego and lived there for 19 years. Then I moved to Idaho for two years. I have 5 other siblings, but one was a stillborn. So I grew up with 4. I love my culture. The mexican-ness of the music in our home, the radio constantly on, endless party planning and kickbacks. 

I remember my mom always cleaning, vigorously, for no apparent reason. We rarely had people over, but our house was flawless. She worked hard woke up before us, and went to sleep way after us. She always wore bleach stained shirts, because she cleaned so much she had a specific drawer just for cleaning clothes. They would usually have holes in them too. If we ever wanted to please her all we had to do was clean. We never learned any traditional recipes, really. I mean I still don’t know how to make salsa, but we sure know how to clean a kitchen.

Dad was always in his office working, reading, studying. Always walked with a book in his hand, always one sitting in the car. I remember him making us look up new words in the newspaper, make a list of them, and then write the definitions for them and recite them to him. It was silly, and tedious, but that was a skill I developed that led me to not be lazy when I didn't know something. He always encouraged me to ask questions, lots of them. He said "don't worry if the rest of the people in your class think you are annoying or if they make fun of you, for you will be truly learning in the end". I still say that to myself and I think my husband is annoyed because I ask too much haha. 

Back then, I saw them as obstacles towards my freedom, I had to ask permission to go outside, be happy, hang out with friends. I never saw how hard they worked until I became a mother. I know now what all of the late nights meant, why they woke up earlier, why they wanted to go grocery shopping by themselves. Also, I see how we were raised to be protected and armed to the trials of the world. I often complain how my parents should have raised me better but really, I think that in my recent trials, and the way that I have faced them, a huge part was because of the principles that I was raised to learn, to live by. And for that I can always thank my parents.

 Gracias.