amateur noopur🥀

thoughts & experiences in form of poems, stories or just rants.

[amatuerwriter101]

A Story I Didn't Want To Title

I still remember the day we met

In mid summer heat I was bored on my desk

And you walked in and I thought I might not regret

Cause those boring classes are how we met.

And then the journey started, full of laughter, memories and smiles

So many of them it's hard to compile.

But every happy story takes a bad turn

It's an old classical,

And you know how I love them,

Yet I hated this one.

You were my sun on gloomy days,

But I changed to like the days that are gray.

There are some things I really hate

You became the doer of those sins

But I loved you so much, oh, I loved you so much that I blamed it all on fate.

You became the sun under my umbrella,

Too bright for my eyes,

Crossing boundaries I despise,

Not knowing I admire the moon and nights.

I forgive you for the things you did, know that I truly do

But I'm petty and I'm trashy

And I will never forget them;

But I loved you so much, oh, I loved you so much, revenge is not what I'll pursue.

Not when I know I did you bad too.

We're now walking on a bridge built of bandages,

Each hoping it can be fixed again and we can go back to being the friends we once were again.

But we have hurt each other too much,

Fragile heartstrings is now our disadvantage.

You are still positive and bright like the sun,

Showing as if you aren't dazed by all that has happened,

Convincing yourself more than me, that this is just a phase and away it'll burn.

But I see what this truly is,

Optimism stored in red bottles,

Dangerous if not throttled.

But even with all the other names I have, atleast coward is not one of them,

A tree should be cut down when it's rotten from the stem.

This journey with you was full of magic

Know that I'll always love you, even when I'm not around to say that anymore,

But this shouldn't end up being tragic.

So let's bid our goodbyes here and get off this bridge which has been poorly bandaged,

Before it falls under the weight of feigned happiness & normalcy

And we both fall and are left even more damaged.

[amatuerwriter101]

A fight which will never cease;

A fight I will never lose.

I have a love-hate relationship with nights. They bring me peace, calmness, solitude - something I long for in the back of my mind all day long. But they also bring with them time and quietness. And that never goes well with my mind, which somehow feels rested enough as soon as the lights go off.

And then my mind plays me a playlist I never willingly made. The tunes are of memories- sad, happy, embarrassing, heartbreaking- there is no mercy.  On other days they are anxious tunes making my heart beat crazy and mind sprint fast, worrying about a future that will probably never happen.

I have strong boundaries. And I allow none to cross them. None do. Except my mind of course. It doesn't care, comes in breaking through my fences, blaring a playlist which makes my heart beat crazy. With anxiety, fear, euphoria - the feelings change, but the beats remain the same - erratic.

Repeated self-consolation chants can only work for so long. But I hate breaking down. It makes me acknowledge the ugly shadows none can see. The ones who always follow me. I've tried telling about them to others sometimes, but they make me feel nasty and pitiful. Acknowledged or not, they follow me everywhere, all the time.

This fight against these inhuman shadows wears me out sometimes. I won't give up, never, but I am exhausted. I'll fight them when the tunes of my mind play too loud and break me down and I then have to face them.

I'll win by the daybreak. But they always come back. But that's not new news. I figured they always return long time back. So until the next fight, I'll refuse their existence. Ignore is bliss they say. I usually don't, but I think I'll listen to them this time.

[amatuerwriter101]

Not Every Journey Ends That Way;

I find it hilarious how feelings and emotions are termed and taught to young minds. It is hilarious because even though these institutions represent reality, they ridicule the worlds made in individual's mind; their teachings are sugar-coated and far from "reality".

Feelings and emotions, thoughts and mind, become complex with time. With experience. With the daily venturing of life. And as that happens, people change. Change in itself is never good or bad. It's all about the perspective. And for some, life hasn't particularly been sunshine and daisies.

It has been wilted roses and forever foggy skies. Stomach knots and frozen bad times. Exhausted running minds and anxious nights. Anxiety....it has become an overrated word. People forget it's a feeling. Real. Very scarily, painfully real.

So when these souls experience sunshine And daisies, they know it is temporary. It will fade away. Faster than the darkness. Darkness stays longer, yes. These "good and happy times" are like bubbles. You chase after them with a weird mania and as soon as you get close enough? Pop!

It is tiring. It is stupid. The whole process of attachment, then abandonment, then loneliness, then hurt. It has become exhausting now. It is much more easier to succumb to the darkness. Welcome it with open arms and see how it brings peace to your pains. If bright skies unsettle you turn to darkness, it is not so bad really. If staying in reality is too bright, sleep on a bed of nightmares, it is much more peaceful sometimes. The reality awaits in the darkness sometimes. Facing the dark side instead of running away is the better option sometimes.

[amatuerwriter101]

moments I enjoy to my core/ moments I wish I could enjoy more/ moments I think everyone should get to experience every once in a while

1. chilly dark nights, bollywood lofi music in my ears, being by myself in my warm room surrounded by the serenity the nights always bring with them and remembering who I am and what I'm worth after a day full of people.

2. moments of peace, day or night, where I find myself being real and raw and happy and excited to write down the ideas and thoughts which have been living in my head rent free since who knows when.

3. those moments of small acts or casual honest words which make me believe I finally have what I craved since so long for - true friendship. It fills my heart with warmth and gratitude I didn't even know could existed. Its okay if I don't have this later, I'm grateful for it now.

4. moments when the egoistic girl in me comes back after hiding away for a long time and tells me she is proud of me and I must keep going. She reminds me of my goals and mocks me when I think of giving up something valuable. I don't care what they say, I need her.

5. moments of happy stress. I don't really mind being stressed about something I've wanted to do or got myself into voluntarily. Just the fact that I'm doing what I picked makes me so happy. All that sweat and hardwork feeds my heart with pleasure & satisfaction of living one more day doing what I like. So that kind of stress is welcomed.

6. the moment where I let out a long sigh at the end of the day but it's a happy one. I've been productive or pushed my boundaries and tried something new or finished a task I've been wanting to since a long time. That just blossoms somethings in me - happiness, motivation, satisfaction? I don't know, but I love it.

7. moments of enlightenment where a past mistake turns into something I should be grateful for today; a bad period from the past turns into the motivation for a better today. Moments like these come seldom and show me truths whose existence I wasn't aware of. And I  think I feel the most grateful then.

[amatuerwriter101]

No Rules Pls!

I've decided to break the code.

I've decided to break the rules.

I've decided to go wild.

Burn myself with mistakes,

I've realised its much better than staying put and not living for society's sake.

These boxes, uniformation and norms made out of nowhere are suffocating me.

All I really want now is to be completely free.

Free to pick what I want,

Even if I know it is a risk

But still pick it, just for the fun of it.

Free to all day be frisky,

Cautions, calculations....all that is too tricky.

I might have read too much about freedom and going wild

Cause my ideas of the same are nothing mild.

To try to give myself the things my heart longs for might be a bold move

But I'm too trapped in my head & it's desires,

And it's my will to which now I'm going to groove.

Explore myself and my destiny,

Live for me and not be guilty.

People who learn to live for themselves are often called selfish,

But those taunts only come from the people who never dared to be free and only wished.

It's fine.

Once you become happy internally is only when you can become someone's sunshine

And boy, that's something the world truly needs,

Many are walking down steps too dark, too undeserving, too brutal for them

And some sunshine is what's needed before all fall down this ravine.

And I know one too many people who have such brightness in them,

It's just eclipsed by doubts or negativity in their hearts and minds,

It will be a long journey with tons of grind;

But once I get it, I'll fly away like the wind,

And I know I'll be happy.

And hence I say, freedom and happiness are intertwined.

[amatuerwriter101]

a list of things/ people who make me happy and give me a reason to live my life to its fullest, even on days I don't feel like it. I promise to stay strong, if not for me, then for them.

Hearing a friend say "you look beautiful today!" They say it so casually and unknowingly it makes my day.

Planning world tours and my first wine with my sister.

The girl who listens to me talk passionately about things I like for hours, even when she doesn't care or know a thing about it. She never interrupts and just smiles at me, listening.

Facetiming my friends and talking on the most random topics and just being goofs. Realizing the bond and vibe is still the same.

Having my mom's complete faith in me and my capabilities and seeing her defy all odds to support me when I need it the most.

Seeing my father's eyes gleam with pride and his secret smiles when he sees me happy or succeed in something I've been trying hard in.

A friend or sometimes even a complete stranger who takes the effort to reach out and appreciate my work. The fact that my writing mattered that much to somebody means the world to me.

Sitting together with my parents and brother after dinner and talking about the most random topics till late night.

The girl who I never really acquainted much with somehow inspiring me beyond words and becoming my talented, artistic friend I can flex about.

A friend randomly thanking me or appreciating me for something I thought they wouldn't even notice. But they did. And I realise I have people who notice and appreciate me.

Being by myself and enjoying my own company. Connecting with myself, healing myself in the most nurturing way possible - by being with myself.

The fact that I can call people who have passionate and ambitious souls friends. They inspire me to stay driven for something and I think that's very beautiful of them.

A big bowl of dry & cheesy Maggi.

Cold coffee with the perfect amount of sugar or a bottle of chilled Appe.

Writing. And having that freedom to be me while doing so.

Reading. And being able to appreciate good work.

My inner voice, out of nowhere, telling me I'll get through this and that I'm still amazing on days I don't really have my shit together.

.

[amatuerwriter101]

Retribution🏹

Cries and screams and calls for help

It is so chaotic everywhere.

Deaths and grief and children's yelp

Fear and panic is all that's felt.

Even the bravest of them all have knelt.

But they say with every problem comes a solution,

I'm sure we'll overcome this,

If made a resolution.

Oh no, I'm not being delusional,

But I have faith and I have courage,

And that in itself is enough to begin the retribution.

[amatuerwriter101]

To Rains, With Love.

I love the rains. Not the ones which only come with itzy bitsy droplets. But the ones which welcome themselves with strong winds, lots of rustling and stay to make loud noices of pure cold water falling on the ground and awakening the earth which then spreads its eternal fragrance into the raw dry air, that only moments ago was doing nothing to curb my restlessness. Laying on my bed, not being able to sleep, thanks to the hundred different thoughts running through my mind at once. Sudden waves of uncertainty and self-doubt engulfing me as a whole. And then suddenly with a strong wind comes in the rains. Disturbing the night's peace and yet somehow soothing the tumors in my brain. The pitter patter of the droplets around give me a chance to distract myself from me and my toxic thoughts. Gives me a chance to look out in the beautiful night sky. Be grateful for all I have. The sound and smell of rain and earth finally brings me the peace I've desperately been looking for. And I finally drift off to sleep.

[amatuerwriter101]

Delusions 👁👁

I wonder how the world would be

If we stopped the rat race to perfection

To perfection which doesn't even exist

Exists only in our brains

Our brains which have been conveniently washed

Washed to believe in lies

Lies like the need to have that hourglass figure

Like the need to have that smooth skin

Like the need to be on top

Like the need to always excel

Like the need to trample others to keep ours well.

Oh but I wonder how the world would be

If we allied with the concepts of improvement & acceptance

And love and faith

If we accepted the flaws and still loved our bodies

If we accepted our defeats and still loved the journey

If we accepted the losses and still loved ourselves for past victories

If we accepted life and its mysteries.

[amatuerwriter101]

Braver👑

It'd be so easy

To just quit

To just distance yourself and say you gave them your best

To just not trust anyone anymore

To just say hell with this world

To just cry and ask the world "why me?"

To just be broken

So darn easy and so damn tempting to just let yourself fall in this darkness.

But I think that's cowardice

I think that isn't brave.

Brave are the one who take the hard path.

Brave are the ones don't give up

Brave are the ones who still give even when they don't receive as much as they deserve

Brave are the ones who don't let one cheat stop them from trusting and loving others

Brave are the ones who see the flaws of this world and yet try making it a better place

Brave are the ones who pick themselves up after every storm and love and be proud of themselves

Brave are the ones who refuse to be broken.

It's not easy to put on a smile and love and be kind - and that's exactly why the ones who choose to do so are braver.

Braver than the ones just surviving.

[amatuerwriter101]

Just Don't 🥀

I just don't want to live in a world

Where depressing IG stories are aesthetic

and the same shared IRL are pathetic

Where no confidence is supported

and real confidence shamed

Where no cussing makes you an outcast

and disrespect a starcast

Where sensitivity is laughed upon

and the alternate considered 'cool'

I'm so tired of this world.

But being a quitter was never an option

So I'll add to this world a new concoction

In the mass that's busy hating cause of their own insecurities & failures

I'll add in a forgotten emotion - compassion.

To applaud the ones with passion,

To encourage the ones with faces ashen.

To make this world more fair, more peaceful.

Yes, now I know I must bring in compassion!