Sibling Project

[amazingandsogood]

meowdy

Happy böéærthdäy to sister dearest. The number goes big-like in the upward direction(?). Blessings bestowed.

Q: What makes you happy?

I think I answered this before with the deeply unsatisfying: I don’t think about it. So I’ll try to give some more specific answers this time. The main thing that comes to mind is that I really enjoy seeing ideas click in people’s heads. That is, when they’re struggling with some concept or problem, and I’m able to give them the insight that they need to understand. This is definitively the best thing about teaching, in my opinion--being directly responsible for enlightenment. It’s a pretty great feeling.

There’s this thing that I’ve observed a bunch--it’s come up recently because I’m attending a conference--where lecturers will basically imitate the cadence of their advisors. For instance, I watched some lectures from Chris Eur in Stanford. He works under the supervision of June Huh, who I have I also observed lecturing, and they have almost the exact same cadence and speaking tempo (here’s a video of him on Numberphile). It’s just really cute to watch.

I know I do this too, because there’s this specific way that one of my supervisors Mike says “too!” that I’ve picked up (or when he’s thinking about something he’ll say “weellll” and move his jaw in this specific way, that I also started doing). I find the whole concept of this really amusing, it’s like this kind of familial bond passed through lecturing styles. This is part of a more broad phenomenon of imitation of people that you like, I suppose, since I think people like to imitate the behavior of their close friends as well (I started saying “thumbs up emoji” and now many of my friends started doing it too). Anyways, that makes me happy.

In case you’re wondering, I think it’s safe to say that I am presently happy, in a broad sense. Although I wouldn’t say I achieve the platonic ideal of happiness taught to us by popular media, in the sense that I believe things can still get better in my life. But nonetheless, my life is pretty great, and I’m lucky to be in my situation.

I’ve been playing a lot of Final Fantasy 14. A lot of my friends have recently been jumping ship, partly because of the horrifying trainwreck at Blizzard, and partly because the hype around ffxiv has been building a lot. It’s pretty great though. I think ffxiv specifically does an incredible job of simulating a “real life hanging out” experience. I spend most of my time at my house, actually, just chilling and putzing around with my friends. Here’s a picture of me.

[amazingandsogood]

A show, the show, el show

Question: Out of laziness, what are your favorite shows? I suspect you may have asked in the interest of telling me anyways.

Hihi, admittedly I did not ask you about your favourite shows out of my own interest to tell you mine haha. But this is okay, I accept this question. As you know I have been watching the Genius and loving it and it will likely also be one of my favourite shows. We just started watching season 2. I am pleased with season 2 so far since my least favourite character of the season immediately got eliminated.

I would say my favourite show has recently become BoJack Horseman. I’m not sure if you have seen it. Prior to season 6 I really didn’t think of the show as even close to a favourite but after season 6 I realized the cleverness of the show. Season 6 was the final season and ended the show. I don’t want to bias your view of the show if you haven’t watched it but I want to possibly spoil it a bit to explain why it’s my favourite.

The show ended recently and I actually binge watched it about two years ago, season 6 came out this last year (I think? Can’t quite remember). What I love about the show is that each character goes through their own self-actualization in their own time (some sooner than others, some later, some never). After watching season 6, I re-watched the show in its entirety and re-watching it made me realize how different I had become. For one, the characters that I had hated most in my initial watch through of the show were actually the ones I loved most in my second watch through and vice versa.

I actually realized that I was looking up to the more destructive characters as opposed to the more stable characters. I felt in some way that the destructive characters were more intelligent/interesting. I think it had to do with my own reverence of people who have mental health and substance abuse issues. The character of Diane actually explains this in the show better than I can, it’s this belief that the suffering has to mean something. In my case, the show really woke me up to my bias. I believed mental health issues made people more complex and perhaps even more perceptive. I think Diane went through a similar breakthrough, and I don’t necessarily like to admit that Diane and I are similar, but I know that we are for sure. In reality, we are all fallible complex humans and our suffering is not indicative of intelligence or compellingness (yes, compellingness).

It also portrayed mental illness in a very nuanced and delicate way and showed the different ways it affects people. But it still held its characters accountable, it made it very clear that mental health is not an excuse to be a dick to the people around you. I watched some videos about BoJack prior to writing this, and it’s funny to me that people who have watched the show still don’t really understand this and vilify innocent characters for distancing themselves from harmful ones. It also helped me see when I was being an inconsiderate dick myself and using my own trauma/substance abuse issues as an excuse.

Anyway, I’d love to discuss it further if you ever watch it, I will warn you that it’s a bit dark. The character of Todd also occasionally reminds me of you, even though technically you have nothing in common haha. Also, some other reasons to enjoy the show are:

very aesthetically pleasing scenes

extreme commitment to jokes (Arrested Development style)

loads of easter eggs requiring great attention to detail and giving the show a lot of rewatch value

comedy

Otherwise, you know my favourite shows: Freaks and Geeks, Seinfeld, Arrested Development, Avatar is a new one (I finally finished, yay!), Firefly, Peep Show, Always Sunny, and etc. (Not necessarily in that order, favourite is indeed an insidious word)

Oh shit, yeah so actually I just realized that Hunter x Hunter and Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood are my favourite shows after writing all of this hahaha. Hunter x Hunter especially, it actually inspired me greatly to write again. But alas, I’m over my word count and it can all be written about on another day.

Question: What makes you happy?

[amazingandsogood]

Favourite is kind of an insidious word

So, up front I’d say the answer is “The Genius,” the Korean reality television show about playing various social games with smart people to earn cash money dawg. But I’ll get to that in a second. I’d just like to address how it’s not really fair to the other shows that I love to have to pick one favourite, because they appeal for different reasons. Funny shows like Whose Line is it Anyways? are hard to compare with somber shows like Mushishi. Anyways I’ll just give three of my favorites.

The Genius: This is my go-to for favourite show. It’s just so amazing, the people, the characters they project, how they interact with one-another, and the editing that goes along with it--it’s just really spectacular. It’s fun to play along with the contestants to see if you can crack the social dynamics and find a strategy that beats the rest. The fact that there are such rich narratives that develop from a reality show is very intriguing--and I know that people like to say that all reality television is scripted or whatever. This show isn’t, but even if it is, that doesn’t make it any less entertaining in my opinion.

Over the Garden Wall: It’s kind of hard to describe why I love this so much. It’s very nostalgic to me. It just reminds me of the antique russian cartoons that I don’t really actually remember, or even know anything about anymore. It makes me miss them, stirs up some kind of weird emotions like that, which other shows just can’t do. I really appreciate how it’s short and sweet, it tells its story and moves on. It’s a gothic fairy tale with some minor twists and subversions that add to its character. Really great show, one of my top recommendations, especially given how short it is.

Arrested Development: Pretty sure you understand this one, since I think it’s one of your favorites as well. Ignoring the latest seasons, this show just has other-worldly writing. Every episode has some kind of story arc that seamlessly connects several completely disparate events into a climactic punchline that is totally unexpected. It’s very self-referential, which keeps the humor accessible and timeless. Probably one of the smartest comedies there will ever be.

Question: Out of laziness, what are your favorite shows? I suspect you may have asked in the interest of telling me anyways.

[amazingandsogood]

Yes, hi.

*Kate demands that we post on the blog again* *Immediately neglects to post herself*

Yes, hi. I actually played DnD one time too, although honestly the open world concept was a bit too much for me. Dan was also very good and silly at it, so I can appreciate your character greatly. Also the drawing is so good. (O.O)

ANyway,

Question: How do you deal with your identity? Do you feel like you know who you are? Do you understand how people perceive you?

I actually believe that as I’ve gotten older that I’ve become a lot more protective about my identity. I’m a bit withholding about who I choose to show it to. A lot of that comes from me discovering that relationships and work can swallow my entire identity if I do not protect it. Also just rejection. I am incredibly wary of people making me feel like my identity is wrong or disliked.

I do (luckily) actually feel like I know who I am and what my identity is. Maybe not fully, but certainly to a greater degree than I used to. However, I really do not understand how people perceive me haha. I really wish I did. Actually the other day (not long ago) two of my close friends told me that they think that I’m scary. The idea was hilarious to me because I’ve always thought of myself as a very chill nonthreatening person. I think the idea would be hilarious to some of my old friends as well. Have you ever perceived me as scary? Anyway, I do not perceive myself as scary. But there is clearly a big gap between how I perceive myself and how others perceive me so… yeah.

I don’t think I have any desire to bridge that gap though. I always find it interesting when people perceive me in a way I never intended. I was thinking the other day actually about how I have always wanted to read minds. I understand that it’s a curse, but I feel so curious about what goes on in people’s heads. Especially because no one is ever going to be fully honest about how they perceive me. Not to mention, people have short memories. Their perception of others is often constructed on their most recent experiences or the experiences they felt most strongly about.

Anyway, the people that matter to me probably perceive me closest to how I want to be perceived and still somehow find a way to like me. Perhaps that is the key to friendship. I have unlocked it, you are most welcome.

Question: What is your favourite tv show now? Has it changed from before? Why is it your favourite? What about it made you like it?

Perhaps you did not choose the oversized sweater life, but it certainly chose you.

[amazingandsogood]

bordfday

Happy see above. As per your request, I have supplied you with a mandated blog post. Behold now as I provide insight on my life status and inner thoughts:

[amazingandsogood]

if you are reading this draft, NACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOSNACHOS here is an edit to the draft, including this picture of Taylor Swift with a camouflaged face

boy i sure hope this post doesn’t accidentally get posted

yes indeed, sure hope that doesn’t happen.

i wonder when you will read this draft. If you ever do, please put “extremist tomato jugglers” into this blank space provided: extremist tomato jugglers Here is another picture:

[amazingandsogood]

Actual Post

I actually went back and read some of our posts recently out of some introspection. This blog seems good for that kind of thing. Though I’m still having that identity crisis I was talking about a while ago. The thought of being perceived by other people is something which is astoundingly daunting. I don’t know how I’m perceived, and honestly I don’t know how I want to be perceived. Both of these things make me uncomfortable.

I started playing DnD recently--I don’t remember if I told you about it. I’m an elf druid, raised by moles. I’m the healer of the group. Clumsy and eccentric. I try to be a pacifist whenever possible, which has surprisingly worked out really well for our group a number of times (I made friends with a fire snake and giant frog, and got them to kill the boss of a dungeon for us). It’s fun--one of the funniest things about my character has been that I’ve managed to do some incredibly dextrous things; but only when the party isn’t watching.

Early on in the campaign I was captivated by a shiny “#1 Mayor trophy,” so I split off from the group, broke into the mayor’s house, and stole the trophy. The mayor was home at the time, and I managed to steal the trophy and do a backflip out the window. Another time, when the party was sleeping and I was keeping watch, I managed to singlehandedly fend off a goblin attack, and I similarly did a bunch of cool flips and flaming sword attacks n junk. But when the party was woken by the commotion and came to help me, I tripped on a rock telling them what I just did. Here’s a picture I drew of my character:

Anyways I probably should’ve spent this post talking about your birthday. Hope you’re doing well. I suppose you can update me on your life by also posting at your leisure. Here’s a question in case you need some “inspiration?”

Question: How do you deal with your identity? Do you feel like you know who you are? Do you understand how people perceive you?

I caught a bat a few days ago.. It was crazy. It was 3 AM and I heard a bunch of thunking around behind me. I thought it might’ve been a burglar, and they were coming to kill me. Turns out it was coming from my air vent. I went over to it to investigate, shone a light down there and sat for like 5 minutes--it was very shocking to see a bat thump and scrape its way over to me. I spent about 10-20 minutes sort of trying to plan out what to do--I initially had a pillow case I wanted to catch it in, but it didn’t seem to be jumpy, it only crawled around. So I put on some mittens (in case it bit) and tried to grab it. When I tried the first time, it beared its tiny little fangs at me as a threat, and stayed perfectly still for like 3 minutes. I tried to scoop it up but failed, and it slowly backed away and started thumping around for a while again.

I had to wait another 15 minutes for it to pop up again while it was looking for a way out, and this time I went a little deeper to try and scoop it out. This time I managed to get it out but it started crawling out of my hands and into the corner. It started trying to escape by crawling out of the grate, but the space was a bit too thin so it trapped itself and I was able to pull it out successfully. By this point I had to hold it with both hands because I wasn’t sure I could hold it with just one without it escaping (it already escaped me earlier and now it was out in the open room, so I was afraid it’d try flying).

I had to open my room door, but it has a round knob. I tried to just open it with my hands but... mittens... the cloth and lack of fingers was too much. I also tried opening it with my mouth/cheeks but that didn’t work. So I just decided to lie on my back and open the door with my feet. I had to do the same thing with the front door. Once I got outside, I let it out of my hand, it was kind of stuck to the mittens from all the clawing and biting, but eventually it flew away. I was so nervous, I was shaking the whole time. Felt really proud though.

[amazingandsogood]

It’s interesting that you claim to live mostly in the now, because I think that’s what I actually struggle with most. Although there are certainly moments in my life where I can live and have successfully lived in the moment, I would say more often than not, I go through most moments in my life stuck in thinking about what has happened or ambivalently worrying about what will happen. Actually, a disproportionate amount of my time is spent thinking about the future rather than the past. I guess this is a good segue to:

Question: What’s on your mind?

I mean if I’m honest, most of the time, very little. But lately, and unfortunately, I spend a lot of time playing a game of tug of war in my head about what I should do in the future. I hate doing this because 1. it means I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about myself rather than others, and 2. the longer I spend thinking about it, the harder I find it is to make decisions. All in all, I think it’s because I place too much pressure on myself to be successful (whatever that means). Which is actually precisely why I like to take and try different psychedelics. (I make it sound like this is something I do frequently, I actually have very little experience with it.)

For me, the idea of losing self-control and identity (as you mentioned) is actually appealing. People, including myself, often experience “ego-death” when on psychedelics, so you’re correct to not be interested if losing identity and control doesn’t interest you. In fact, I would actively discourage you from using these kind of drugs because you would very likely to reject the experience and as a result, have a bad experience.

Anyway, why does it appeal to me to lose my sense of identity and control? Precisely because I already feel that my identity and control are lost. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I don’t feel like I always have much control in what I get to do, and if I go deeper into this abyss, sometimes I discover things about myself that actually help me in defining who I am. It seems counterintuitive, but strangely, I find that removing my normal inhibitions and lines of reasoning tends to reveal a lot about myself.

One such example was when I contended with leaving my job at Goldman. Prior to doing that, I actually went on a trip to the Netherlands, looked at some tulips, and took some mushrooms (actually truffles, but they’re incredibly similar). I ended up realizing that one of the reasons that I had felt so unfulfilled was because I was pursuing a life that didn’t interest me. I worry so much about presenting myself as a “successful” person, but I rarely stop and consider what actually makes me feel successful to myself or the people that matter to me, nor why success even matters so much. Where is this pressure coming from to be wealthy, happy, and socially adjusted? These are questions I have answered for myself.

It’s not like I don’t consider these questions without mushrooms, nor is it like I haven’t come to these realizations before. It also definitely doesn’t fix these problems, I mean if it did, I wouldn’t be worrying about my future now as much as I do. However, it often offers a nice serving of perspective that I can find hard to reach on my own. Also, it’s pretty fun.

Oops, I meant to make a light-hearted post. Oh well.

Question: Do you culturally identify more as a Russian or a Canadian? Why? Do you like owls?

[amazingandsogood]

Question: How do you perceive time? Do you feel it goes by too quickly or too slowly? Do you think you use your time effectively?

I realized recently that I live entirely in the moment-- planning just isn’t something that comes naturally to me. I do things now, and find out about things now. I rarely think about the past, only viewing it as a lesson for what is happening now. In that sense, I don’t really perceive time at all. Things happen now, and there will be things that happen later, but that’s not now.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that some things which could be seen as my own planning are rather just happenstance-- e.g. my tenure track in math. I never planned on going into math, it just happened; and along the way I just did what I deemed appropriate-- not according to some kind of plan but just what felt right at that moment. In the end, here I am, pursuing my PhD in math.

This doesn’t bode well for your second question-- I think my time management is rather poor. I still make plans, of course, but I do it randomly. There are general guiding principles which I follow (scheduling a get-together with friends is more easily coordinated on a weekend), but honestly I’m just winging it and seeing what sticks. I can’t reasonably say this is effective time management, but of course it could randomly be, just like how a monkey typing completely at random on a typewriter can eventually reproduce Shakespeare.

Question: What’s on your mind?

I’m just going to use this post to segue into my own thoughts at the moment. We just had a dinner tonight and while walking home I mentioned how I would judge you when I get home, and I did that.

Let me lead by saying that I’m not some kind of arbiter for what you do with your life. Essentially all of the following is a guiding principle for my own character-- and shouldn’t be confused with some instruction or advice on how one should live their life. Also, I’m still deeply proud of you and look up to you as a role-model-- that will never change.

Of course, I’m disappointed in your drug use-- but this begs the question, why? What exactly is so disappointing about you exerting your autonomy to indulge in whatever you please? The answer is nothing, from an objective standpoint, but subjectively, here is my answer: it damages your identity from the perspective of my idea of what a complete individual is.

Which is kind of a weird thing to say, and also comes off as rude, pretentious, and arrogant even as I write it. But my point is that I have a notion of who I wish to be-- what kind of person I want to be in order to be a good and complete person. As part of this, I have a deep belief in the idea of having self-control (which I could write another post about, actually maybe the whole identity thing). This is damaged, in my eyes, with the introduction of some kind of external influence via drugs, and so drugs damage my view of “what a complete individual is.”

Furthermore, the fact is that I apply this standard to others as a way of judging them. Not that it’s fair for me to do so, but just that it’s something I do. I can’t really help it, and of course the first thing I try to do immediately after is ground myself and assure myself that the standards to which I hold myself are not those that I should hold others to.

So in that sense, I’m disappointed. But my disappointment is not justified-- it is rooted in a self-belief which shouldn’t be applied to you. I am then responsible for casting aside the judgment, and ensuring that my actions don’t impose guilt on you-- which I can hopefully do.

I don’t want you to think that what you’re doing is bad in any way. I also know that you care about what I think of you-- but perhaps I should stress that I just want what’s best for you, and that maybe I don’t know what that is.

Anyways I hope the above isn’t too scatter-brained. There are points that I think need further elaboration which I decided to keep brief.

[amazingandsogood]

hey hey bday

So this is a bit redundant since we live in the same city and I will see you in like 4 hours. I thought I’d still post anyway because I kind of enjoy it, emphasis on kind of. One of my favorite memories of you is when we played soccer in the hallway with that poor disgusting leopard ball. See, in my memory I won the games all of the time, never mind that you were probably two-thirds my size at that point, the point is I won. But also, you let me be weird (I recall regular squawking noises being involved) and actively encouraged me to be weird by being so weird that it was impossible to top. So maybe I beat you in leopard ball soccer, but I never could out-compete you in behaving inappropriately. And I’m glad you could get that side of me, I really do feel sometimes that you’re the only person that really knows me or gets me. 

So happy 24th birthday, I hope you know that death is encroaching, everyone is becoming more successful than you at an earlier age than you, this is the best your life is ever going to be, and I’m actively working to build a time machine to try and swap you for an Indian baby. Here’s me wishing you a birthday:

[amazingandsogood]

Antititle

I love you too lil Sushi, thank you, what you wrote means the world to me.

Section 1, Subheading 1, Category that is definitely not a section 1:

You’re good at keeping things for posterity. You know I’m proud of you for all of those things too. Don’t stop yet, you have a lot to show the world (personally I think you could show the world your rock collection, you seem like the type that would be good at collecting rocks)

Question: Tell me what you find interesting about economics. What are some cool things about it?

This is good because I’ve been getting asked this question relentlessly and will continue to do so. I have actually even started noticing that it gets harder and harder for an answer to mean anything when I have to use it over and over again. It was a very meaningful answer the first time I came up with it, I swear.

Anyway, economics is the study of the allocation of limited resources to unlimited wants. This in itself is actually slightly flawed since wants aren’t necessarily unlimited, but ignore that for the minute because economics relies heavily on these types of assumptions. In that sense, it’s not entirely different from how you’ve explained mathematics to me. It uses mathematics and statistics to explain human behavior (based on assumptions/parameters). It effectively combines two subjects I really enjoy, psychology and mathematics.

In terms of what is cool about it, it depends on how you narrow down the subject since it is actually rather broad. However, I suppose one example would be the prisoner’s dilemma, which is cool because it’s actually observable. It can even be observed in certain board games. Essentially, two players have the option to betray the other, and if they betray the other, they get a greater reward. However, if both players betray each other, they are severely penalized. As such, it makes the most sense for the players to collude and not betray each other to guarantee a favorable result for them both. This is the dilemma, and it’s also observable on a larger scale economically. If you would like a bit more visualization then Wikipedia does a great explanation as well, especially since mine is rather crude. 

Question: How do you perceive time? Do you feel it goes by too quickly or too slowly? Do you think you use your time effectively?

Here is a space man, please enjoy this space man responsibly.

[amazingandsogood]

happy birfday to Kate

hello sister, it is me, your brother, hello.

i have decided to make an appearance on the blog to wish you congratulations on your continued existence. wow. superb. we’re all very proud of you continuing to exist. critics say existing is not difficult. i beg to differ. maybe not beg, i’m above that. i differ in opinion.

i am excited to observe your future. i think you will do interesting things, which is something i enjoy observing. as usual, i derive inspiration from the things you do. for example: i have endeavored to be more social in my doings, so as to positively influence my living experience, due in part to recent observations that this is something you do.

it is good that you are visiting soon, we can exchange information pertaining to our personal lives, so that we might both be enriched. i hope that you are enjoying europe. it was very fun traveling to japan with you, so i am assuming that you have taken similar approaches to visiting other countries.

as is mandatory, i will now rid myself of this monotone persona in favor of establishing a level of sincerity which is unparalleled:

As I said above a bit, I’m proud of you, and all the things you’ve done. You continue to act as a huge role-model in my life and I’m very grateful for that. Even though we were separated for a long time, you still inspired me to be a better person, and a happier person. I think it helped me a lot. I love you.

[amazingandsogood]

holla

 W’ddup sister. Behold the following axioms:

1: Every section can have subheadings.

2: Every subheading can have categories. A category is not a subheading, but is a section.

3: Every section is not a category. Therefore, nothing makes sense, and so we can conclude that everything is slippery, and being slippery implies being on fire.

4: This post only has one section, rendering all of the above even more pointless than the contradiction in axiom 3.

Section 1, Subheading 1, Category that is slippery and therefore on fire 1:

wow i forgot i wrote all of that. I’ll keep it up there for posterity, I guess.

Question: What have I done that I am most proud of?

The biggest is my published paper with Nathan. Of course I didn’t really contribute much directly, but I did work a lot on what I was given, and ended up understanding (sort of) everything that he wrote in the paper. Essentially, I worked on what was a base case for his more general argument, so my work was the beginning framework.

The second one is a little more silly, it is that I was at one point the (very almost first) second best person in the world at rocket-jumping-- having completed what was widely regarded as the most difficult map at the time just one day after the first person in the world had done it (it’s in his description, dat me). Some people might argue that beating that map doesn’t make me the best or anything, but I disrespectfully disagree. It was a gr8 feeling to beat this map and say I was better than a lot of people.

Among other things, I’m proud of where I am emotionally. Early on in university I wasn’t a particularly happy person. I would not say I was depressed, because clearly I was able to overcome it, but nonetheless I definitely put myself down a lot and thought unnecessarily negative thoughts. I feel like I’ve matured past that now, so I’m happy for that. Things could be better, but the point is to focus towards improving, rather than lamenting that things haven’t improved.

More generally, I’ve just been learning more and more, and that is a Good Thing. I feel significantly smarter since entering grad school. I don’t know why, but I had some sort of huge confidence boost or something and now concepts just come to me much more easily than before.

Question for Kate: Since you asked, you maybe also want to tell me what you’re proud of, but in the interest of giving my own question: Tell me what you find interesting about economics. What are some cool things about it?

I don’t know why, but this tweet makes me laugh a lot.

[amazingandsogood]

Angst

Question: How do you express yourself? Do you ever feel like it’s extremely difficult to express what you’re thinking?

That’s an interesting question. I looked it up, and expression means “the action of making known one’s thoughts or feelings.” It’s interesting because humans lie, and lying is often done to hide one’s thoughts or feelings, so is lying not a way of expressing oneself? But I digress.

I express myself mostly through discussion. I mean I’m expressing myself now by writing this, (~meta~) and yes, it is difficult. Even seemingly straightforward feelings can sometimes be quite difficult to express, like, “I’m hungry.” Which is silly, I recognize that, and obviously not always the case. So when expression goes beyond that, to more nuanced thoughts and feelings, it is even murkier territory. It’s especially difficult when I experience a new thought or feeling that hasn’t been fleshed out or processed, and I feel pressured to express it when I might not be ready. To be honest, when that happens I’d rather not express myself at all. That being said, that is my preference, that doesn’t mean that I don’t try to express myself regardless (I’m stubborn).

In any case, I most commonly try to express myself through humor, and I’m most often trying to express understanding (at least that’s what I’d like to be expressing). The biggest problem with expression is that sometimes I don’t even fully understand what I’m trying to express and it can leave a very lasting wrong impression. For instance, I’ve noticed that when people say self-deprecating things (one of my coworkers has been doing this lately) like “Oh, most of the TV shows I like are shit” or you know something of the sort, they’re not necessarily trying to express self-deprecation, they’re trying to manage expectations. And I’ve noticed more and more that actually these veiled forms of expression don’t work, because people take the things I say in a very surprisingly literal way (unless they are very emotionally intelligent).

Moreover, expression is easier when you’re young, because you just say what you feel. When you grow up, you recognize the necessity to lie. Like when someone you love does something that you don’t approve of or when you start thinking/feeling things you’re not supposed to. How do you express that without hurting others? Which is why I find that art is a cave of expression for me, because somehow creating a painting, dance, song, etc. releases thoughts/feelings in way that doesn’t have to be understood by others.

Like this:

Question: What have you done that you’re most proud of?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O6duDDkhis

[amazingandsogood]

Persona

This post is like one of those videos where John says there are a various amount of parts, it comes in two parts.

Part 1. To answer your question, which I think I answered once before so maybe my answer will be similar. It’s difficult to really answer this concisely- the objective is to quantify something which is intangible and constantly changing. It definitely depends from person to person, since people appeal to different amounts of interaction with one another.

For myself, I find that the people I want to spend time with are those whose perspectives I admire or wish to understand. We are strongly influenced by the people we spend time with, whether it be opinions or mannerisms, and so ultimately whatever our desired self-image is will guide us to who we spend time with. If I want to learn to be kind, I will surround myself with kind people. If I want to learn to play basketball, I surround myself with those people. Obviously though, it’s not just that simple, and this is for the better. Everyone is multi-faceted, and so when you find your basketball crew, you bond over more than just basketball, you find other common interests and ideas that link you in further ways.

So in a way I guess friendship is defined by the common interest to become a better person? As I’m writing this I am doubtful of this as a conclusion since I don’t know if every person has a goal to better themselves- but also I struggle to imagine that people don’t do this (to clarify, not an ultimate goal, there are definitely cases where someone is justifiably preoccupied). Nonetheless, I think if a person isn’t thinking about that goal or whatever it may be, I would imagine they don’t have very healthy relationships with people, so I’m gonna stick with that.

Part B. I recently finished playing Persona 5, which is an anime JRPG following the adventures of a non-descript voiceless teenager who saves the world from an evil god by summoning his own god using the power of friendship (spoilers?). It’s a very good game, it has an incredible sense of aesthetic and atmosphere, and the characters are very well thought out and seem real, despite some of their conflicts being unusual due to the culture barrier.

I mention this game because one of the central ideas is that everyone has a persona which they embody and display to other people. This is supposed to somehow signify their identity and how they interact with other people, what their personality is like, etc.. Being a game, these things are tied to stats like strength and magic power or whatever, but that’s besides the point. The main character has the ‘unusual’ power to be able to change his persona.

This is particularly interesting to me because I constantly feel like I act differently around different people. I don’t think this is super unusual, but it also makes me uncomfortable. In your previous post you actually mentioned how you’d been feeling very un-yourself at the time. I think this is what I’ve been feeling a lot recently around different people.

In a sense I think I’m having kind of an identity crisis? I don’t really know who I am, and I feel like I’m constantly unconsciously acting differently from how I want to.

All of this is tied to my question which is this:

Question: How do you express yourself? Do you ever feel like it’s extremely difficult to express what you’re thinking?

[amazingandsogood]

I discuss myself

Since my last post was relatively lackluster in terms of content and I forgot to add a question and to encourage you to post more proofs because I find them neat, I’m making another post. Lately I’ve been uncharacteristically anti-social and un-myself because I don’t know why. And sometimes I hate that regular me is social because people can immediately tell that I’m un-myself, meaning that I am easy to read.

I read recently about the theory of supplementary behavior in psychology. It’s pretty simple, it basically states that most people will act and react to behavior in a supplementary way. So if they’re greeted with hostility, they will respond with hostility, or if they’re greeted with dominant behavior they will respond with submissive behavior, etc. Which makes sense, and it’s why most people like being around happy people because it’s easier to respond with happy behavior. It’s rare that people will act in a non-supplementary way, one example that the study cites is Martin Luther King Jr. who responded to overwhelming hostility with kindness. Of course there are reverse examples too, like Donald Trump probably at some point in the nether abyss of the idiot things he says.

Anyway, I mention all of this because when I’m feeling anti-social and un-myself I receive a supplementary response, people respond to me with distance. Which makes me wonder, if people respond in this way, how does anyone get to know this other side of me? Even though I intellectually understand that it’s my responsibility to reach out to them, to change my behavior so they can respond accordingly, I feel that a real friend would inquire further or act in a non-supplementary way. And when everything is good, it’s easy to dismiss this, but when I’m feeling un-myself and anti-social I can’t decide if my standards for friendship are too high or if the people I surround myself with aren’t truly my friends.

And honestly when I do feel like myself again, I’ll ask a much more important question, am I the kind of friend that inquires or acts in a non-supplementary way when someone I care about acts differently or like something is wrong?

But basically in conclusion I’m mildly annoyed with Odin because he won’t return my calls.

Question: How do you define friendship?

I had no pictures to share so I googled ‘cute duck’ and this overwhelmingly inspiring picture was one of the results. 

[amazingandsogood]

Sister is Idiot

I missed your amazing post because I am an idiot. I can’t believe I missed that beautiful post, it made me so happy to read it. Thank you Sasha, I love you too and I have always been impressed with you, however not so much that you should stop trying to impress me because I am the most important person in the universe. Also please continue pestering me about the things you enjoy because with enough pestering I will stop being stubborn and start doing those things and enjoy them too.

Unfortunately I doubt that at this point in my life I’ll be getting a Masters in Math, but I am quite seriously considering working towards a Masters in Economics. Especially because I am decisively failing to find a job in Europe. However my enduring failure is teaching me a lot about dark humor, which is all meaningless and doesn’t matter anyway.

I am really impressed with your explanation of a proof, I can’t believe school is teaching you things! As for your question like three posts ago, there is a lot of irony in my life because there is a lot of irony in life in general. Irony does a great job at revealing human fallacy, so I sure do enjoy irony. The worst kind of people in my opinion are the kind that can’t make fun of themselves or can’t take other people making fun of them.

I’m glad Charlotte is introducing you to rap since I like rap too. Thanks Charlotte!