Indie Astrid Beck from Critical Role
L, she/her, 25+, not a spoiler free blog, themes of abuse and violence may occur.
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Verses
YOU ARE THE REASON

Janaina Medeiros

@theartofmadeline
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@ambitiousillusions
Indie Astrid Beck from Critical Role
L, she/her, 25+, not a spoiler free blog, themes of abuse and violence may occur.
Rules
Verses
— C.T. Salazar; Headless John The Baptist Hitchhiking
🐝 * ― 𝑷𝑰𝑵𝑰𝑵𝑮 / 𝒀𝑬𝑨𝑹𝑵𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺.
❛ i can't stop thinking about you even when i try. ❜ ❛ every time i see you, it's like my heart skips a beat. ❜ ❛ i never realized how much i needed you until you weren't there. ❜ ❛ do you ever feel like there's something missing ... like a piece of your heart is somewhere else? ❜ ❛ i wish i had the courage to tell you how i feel. ❜ ❛ if only you knew how much you truly mean to me. ❜ ❛ do you ever wonder what it would be like if things were different between us? ❜ ❛ sometimes i wonder if you ever think about me the way i think about you. ❜ ❛ i had a lot of dreams about you recently. ❜ ❛ somehow, you're always on my mind. ❜ ❛ i think i've been in love with you since the day we met - scratch that, i know i've been in love with you since the day we met. ❜ ❛ my biggest wish is to hold you close and never let you go. ❜ ❛ all my life i've felt like a part of me was missing, but with you i've finally found it. ❜ ❛ you deserve better than who i am right now, but i'm gonna keep trying to become someone you do deserve. ❜ ❛ every time you smile at me, i get this flutter in my chest. ❜ ❛ do you think i'll ever be worthy of your love? ❜ ❛ i want to be the person to make you happy. the one person you can always come to with whatever you need. ❜ ❛ will we ever get another chance together? ❜ ❛ you were the best thing that's ever happened to me. ❜ ❛ my biggest regret is ever letting you go. ❜ ❛ i'm still in love with you ... and i honestly never stopped. ❜ ❛ when i wake up in the morning, you're the first person i want to see. ❜ ❛ every time i wake up, i check if you wrote me another message. ❜ ❛ i wish i could be as important to you as you are to me. ❜ ❛ it hurts when you don't talk to me like you used to. ❜ ❛ i miss everything about you, your touch, your laugh, your smile. i wish i could have that back. ❜ ❛ i want to fall asleep wrapped in your arms. ❜ ❛ hold me closer; i always feel safer when you're with me. ❜ ❛ there's so much i wish i was able to tell you. ❜ ❛ i know things aren't easy right now, but i want to remain a fixture in your life. after all, you're one in mine. ❜ ❛ i miss the way you always made me smile. ❜ ❛ you're the reason i keep holding on. ❜ ❛ maybe we're supposed so to remain a case of 'right person, wrong time' forever. ❜ ❛ if only you knew how i feel about you. ❜ ❛ i'm yearning to hold your hand in mine. ❜ ❛ i think you are the one for me, and i hope one day i'll be the one for you, too. ❜ ❛ do you think i'll ever become more than a friend to you? ❜ ❛ my heart belongs to you, always and forever. ❜ ❛ my first instinct is to protect you, no matter the cost. ❜ ❛ i've been thinking about us a lot lately. ❜
Eadwulf managed to get them a small sampling of a few things, and left a tip for the waitress before gathering the food and drink on a severing tray and making his way to where Astrid had found them a seat, a smile gracing his lips as he set it down on the table.
Astrid settles down into the booth and waits for him, lips curved into a smile when he finally joins her with their food. It's relatively quiet as they eat, the bustle around the loud while her knee touches his under the table. It's reassuring, in a way, and helps Astrid relax just a little, smiling as she takes a sip of her drink. "This is quite good for a tavern," she then chuckles, "you picked very well."
oh they make me so sad. i need to put them in the hydraulic press NOW!!!!
as astrid spins, jester's smile grows and an encouraging chuckle leaves her mouth, though the question does bring a bit of purple to her cheeks and she happily takes the moment to think on how to reply other than an enthusiastic nod and exclaimed yes.
" i've always wanted to get married since i was a little girl. back then it was like more about the supposed fairy tale wedding and all, something out of a storybook, but nowadays, i really want to actually do the whole wedding thing one day." and she has oh so many possibilities in mind for it but all of those possibilities don't have her considering her own look oddly enough. yes, she thinks about the location, the food, the music, the decorations, but herself? her dress? how she would style her hair? it has not crossed her mind since she was a child.
a bit of purple fills her cheeks, eyes falling to their feet for just a moment as she says a small. " thank you. you would too, if you would want to get married." raising violet eyes to meet astrid's, she tilts her head. " would you? want to get married, i mean? "
There's something about THE WAY Jester's cheeks turn a darker shade of purple that makes Astrid's heart miss a beat in her chest. It's a feeling she hasn't felt in so long, a feeling that, for once, is not tied to the act of having to survive, that she doesn't quite know what to do with it. Maybe though, she thinks, for now, she can file it away in the back of her mind and simply enjoy the warmth that comes with it.
"I...don't know." She then truthfully says as they continue to sway from one foot to another. "Maybe. Truth be told, I have not really thought about marriage, or LOVE, in a very long time." After they had captured Trent, Astrid hadn't even been sure she'd get to have a life of her own, let alone someone to love, but she's slowly beginning to think that, maybe, she stands a chance. "If I find someone who'd want marry me, LOVE ME, then I'm sure it can be in the cards for me, ja."
the tortured poets department: the anthology sentence starters.
i just don't understand how you don't miss me.
i may never open up the way i did for you.
do you hate me?
you knew the price goin' in.
i can tell when somebody still wants me.
whether i'm gonna curse you out or take you back to my house, i haven't decided yet.
you were never not mine.
even if it's handcuffed, i'm leaving here with you.
we broke all the pieces but still want to play the game.
told my friends i hate you, but i love you just the same.
pick your poison, babe. i'm poison either way.
they tried to warn you about me.
you're in terrible danger.
i tried to warn you about them.
if you want to break my cold, cold heart, just say "i loved you the way that you were."
you said some things that i can't unabsorb.
you needed me, but you needed drugs more.
if you want to tear my world apart, say you'll always wonder.
will i always wonder?
i can't pretend like i understand.
how did it end?
it's happening again.
tell me 'bout the first time you saw me.
are you gonna marry, kiss, or kill me?
no one's ever had me, not like you.
tell me something awful.
tell me all your secrets.
i don't believe in good luck now that i know what's what.
seems like it was never even fun back then.
i'm lonely, but i'm good.
i'm bitter, but i swear i'm fine.
this place made me feel worthless.
i can't forgive the way you made me feel.
there wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you.
maybe you've reframed it and in your mind you didn't beat my spirit black and blue.
i don't think you've changed much.
everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman but she used to say she wished that you were dead.
does it feel alright to not know me?
i'm addicted to the "if only."
i guess a lesser woman would've lost hope.
i don't want money. i just want someone who wants my company.
do you believe me now?
they say what doesn't kill you makes you aware. what happens if it becomes who you are?
is it something i did?
i thought it was just goodbye for now.
you said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me.
life was always easier on you than it was on me.
i didn't want to hang around.
we must stop meeting like this.
you are bloodthirsty.
you have no room in your dreams for regrets.
i'm not a donor but i'd give you my heart if you needed it.
the story isn't mine anymore.
{[ @ambitiousillusions continued from HERE ]}
If someone had asked her, Astrid wasn’t even sure why she was telling Jester all of this. She had always been closed off, well. Ever since coming to Rexxentrum anyway. The person she had been before the Academy, before everything had gone to hell, was so different from who she was today, that it sometimes felt like it had been her in a completely different life. She missed the girl she had been, sharp and smart, and hungry for knowledge, not afraid of anything. These days it was hard to even get up in the mornings without the crushing weight of the fear weighing down her chest. Astrid hated it, and yet she had been taught to suppress her emotions, so she got up, got dressed and went about her day, because anything else was simply not in the cards.
She could not give up. She could not fail. Glancing up to meet Jester’s eyes, Astrid briefly wondered if the other woman was too naive, or if she had become too cynical over the years. It’s probably a mix of both, but Astrid knows that, deep down, there’s still that girl, that wants to believe in true love, even if it’s never been her priority. Still... “It’s always been us against the world.” She eventually spoke again, “Or...maybe not the word, but it’s always been us. And...we were both terrified to lose each other, especially after we’ve lost Bren. And...” She paused, shaking her head. “Seeing him again...seeing the man he became? It...broke my heart, in a way.” This was her being...unusually honest, but Jester already knew more about her than most people did, and it didn’t feel fair to leave her hanging now. “I think...Wulf and I haven’t put what we felt into words for such a long time, that it’s hard to even figure out where to begin. But...you’re right.” A slight smile tugged on the corners of her lips as she reached out to push a strand of hair behind Jester’s air. “Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”
there is so much she doesn't know about caleb's life, let alone astrid and eadwulf's. even before tragedy and torment, they lived such a different life than she had, but oh that does not stop her longing for understanding and her unyielding compassion for the three of them. so the tiefling listen's and stays quiet, nodding her head to make sure astrid knows she is listening. she stays close. and she tries not to cave into the urge to grab and hold onto astrid's hand and squeeze it tight in both encouragement and hopefully comfort.
her silence continues, though, as astrid smiles and pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear, violet eyes widening and a bit of a blush filling her cheek, the tiefling internalizing her advice, but not speaking a comment on it, instead her eyes tearing away to look about before looking back at astrid.
“ from the sounds of it, it does sound like it’s been you against the world, together or not. ” and that wasn't fair. not at all. no one should have that sort of heaviness on their shoulders, especially not someone so young who only wanted to learn. " and just because i am right does not make it something that is any easier. it also was not an easy thing to do at the time but... well things are different now, yes? "
maybe she was a bit too optimistic about things, she knows, and it might make the pair of them clash heads on this topic, but she has so much hope for astrid becke and eadwulf grieve, just as much hope as she has for her friends, and she is just hoping she gets to see and know the amazing things they go on to do.
" whatever has changed is okay... and whatever remains is okay too. conversations are easy to have but you both are free now. or freeier... " there's the assembly still, an assembly she hopes to see blown apart by every destructive force imaginable, but without trent, weren't they both a bit more free to make their own choices? even if only for a little while?
jester caves, grabbing hold of astrid's hand. " i can tell you anything you want to know about him. caleb... " she doesn't feel she has the right to the name bren, but she feels odd saying it before astrid. " and i would love to help you talk through what you feel. i know we barely know each other, though, so if you'd rather not, i understand. but i am here for you. you don't have to deal with what's in your mind all alone. "
The words she wants to speak are BITTER, and they die on her tongue, because Astrid knows better. There's still some strange part that wants to defend Trent for what he'd done, that he'd been meaning to help them, to give them a chance at a better life, but despite all the knowledge she's acquired, knowing she would have never been able to do so without him, she also knows that she's been manipulated, and she thinks she might never forgive herself for doing what she'd done to her parents.
"You don't have to do that," Astrid offers a somewhat sad smile, shaking her head. "If...Caleb wants to tell me about himself, then he may do so." She doesn't want to go behind his back, even though she has a million questions, but just having him back in her life, however small the part he plays may be, is MORE than Astrid could have ever asked for. "I'm just glad he's happy."
And she truly means that, too. He seems to have done so much better than Wulf and herself, at least at this point in time, and yet she feels no JEALOUSLY, just...relief. "How about you tell me about yourself instead?"
linennaive
{[ @ambitiousillusions continued from HERE ]}
Astrid remembers sneaking out at night to stare up at the stars, just allowing herself a few minutes every night before she went back inside to study. It had been a nice change of pace from work and studying, and maybe she should have done it more often since then. There’s nothing she can do about it now, nothing she can do to change the past, so she’ll simply have to look forward to the future and hopefully keep this TRADITION up now that they’ve brought it back to live. “I do,” She smiles as she glances up and then at Jester, a strange calmness settling in over her. It’s been a busy day, a stressful one too, and yet she feels all of that melt away in this very moment. “But I think I’d like to hear the names you came up with for them even MORE.” The smile on her face turns into a slight smirk as she leans over. “I’m sure they are fantastic.”
counting and naming the stars, giving them stories had been one of the few ways she got through the night before she had the courage to flee home for a brief hours in the night. oh she loves her home and everything about it but oh how lonely those night are her patio were, her only friends twinkling lights in the sky. of course she gave them names, the longest time she didn't know that they had them. so, she scoots a little closer to the wizard, grabbing her hand and pointing up with a certain softness- astrid could pull back any moment she felt uncomfortable muttering a small, " well.. i am happy to share. but i'll save you the dull ones like sparkles and shine and wolfie because one looked like a dog to me. " she laughs, shaking her head, then exhales and focuses .
tracing alone the far away path of one constellation, jester smiles a little, " i named that one Vlnící se moře, waving sea, because it looked like a wave... and then that one Dobrodružství, adventure, because it always reminded me of a horse and I just think horses get to go so many places and see so much. " she looks at astrid, tilting her head to the side. " ... do you have a favorite of the stars? "
"I think Sparkle is very accurate, I'm not so sure about the dog though." Astrid replies with a slight chuckle, feeling the tightness in her chest ease as they speak. Jester, it seems, has that effect on people, and she doesn't blame Bren, Caleb, for being drawn to her. Or anyone, really, they all seem to care for her very much, and it makes SENSE.
"I like those names," She finally adds, turning to look at the other woman briefly. "I like...that you make up stories to go with them." Her eyes turn back to the night sky then, "I do...it's...not really visible in the city. The stars are much brighter where I grew up," Astrid reaches over, before she can overthink, and takes Jester's hand, pointing it up and tracing a faint constellation towards the east. "It used to shine brightest during those nights we snuck out of the house and met up in the fields, or maybe that's what it seemed like anyway."
Eadwulf nodded at the plan. "Sounds good." He spoke simply. He knew she trusted him on getting them both something that they would enjoy as far as food and drinks were concerned. "I'll find you in a bit then." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head before heading towards the main line to order.
She smiles at the kiss being pressed to her head ( he really is impossibly tall ), and then slinks her way through the crowd and between tables and chairs, before acquiring one for them, tucked away in the corner and a little off from all the hustle. She slides into the booth and leans back, waiting for Wulf to return with their dinner.
{[ @ambitiousillusions continued from HERE ]}
This is more than Astrid could have imagined, or would have ever dared to imagine, she’d get from life. Surely, she’d always cared about being the best, but it had turned out that’s not entirely everything that matters. Through some stroke of luck, she’s able to have both, a career and people who care about her, friends, and maybe, who knows, one day she can fall in love again. It’s not at the forefront of her mind, at least not usually, but on days like that, that are FILLED with love, it’s hard to ignore, and maybe she doesn’t want to ignore it either, because it feels nice not to fight the warmth that settles in her chest. She spins Jester around once more, lips curved into a smile. “It’s nice, ja.” She agrees then, listening as the music slows down, and Astrid decides not to move, instead slows down their dancing, too. “I’m glad they get to celebrate their love, and that all of their friends are there to witness it.”
most of her focus is on astrid and astrid alone, trying to read her expressions and also just to watch her in this quiet moment, enjoying the slow curve of a smile that stretches upon the wizards face, missing both the fact that she was about to be spun around, though recovering quickly and following through with a chuckle and wide grin of her own, adjusting just as quickly as the music slows.
" it feels like time has moved both so fast and slow at the very same time. like... i have always known they would end up here, on a day like this, but it just couldn't come fast enough..." reluctantly, jester's eyes tear away to look at beau and yasha, unable to stop her smile from growing slightly. " it's just got my mind all running and dreaming and imaging... "
but she shouldn't get lost in her thoughts, instead a sappy lovesick smile spreading upon her lips as she looks back up at astrid. " i just want everyone to find what they must be feeling, you know? to have a special day like this... " but she smiles moving to try and spin the wizard.
Marriage had never been something Astrid had thought about, not really anyway. If anything, Trent had planted ideas in her head, about a marriage of convenience, a way to gather more power, but that, she has learned, isn't what marriage is about. She knows many people can live happily without being married to each other, or without a partner at all, but now that her life has SLOWED DOWN to a point where it's not always about survival, it's an honest thought to have.
"You want to get married then, ja?" She asks, smiling softly still as the other woman spins her around, though much slower than Astrid had done before. She doesn't mind, of course not.
She can SEE IT, too, can see Jester in a white dress, or maybe a purple one, it would suit her, with ribbons tied in her hair and that radiant smile of hers shining brightly. It makes Astrid's own smile soften even more. "You'd make a lovely bride,"
Each Knuckle with Sugar, Sarah Levine
He chuckled a little warmly as he lead the way towards a place he had been a couple of times and had yet to bring Astrid yet to wanting to make sure that there would be enough on the menu that she would also enjoy. The food was good, drinks were cheap but it could be a little cramped and it was a small establishment.
Astrid DOESN'T MIND crowded establishments. It's easier to blend in there, something they have grown up learning, yes, but also something that makes her feel comfortable. Usually it's loud and someone is always making a show of themselves, pulling all the attention. "How about you order something and I'll try and get us a table?" She then suggests, squeezing Wulf's arm.
the amazing devil lyric sentence starters ↪ taken from their entire discography to date. trigger warnings for religion, depression, alcohol, war, sex, & more. some ( but very few ) lyrics have been tweaked to work better as full sentences. alter as you see fit ♡ this is a long post.
“i can’t do this.”
“never say how much you missed her, or that you kissed her sister.”
“fuck all your plans i’m bored.”
“i promise you i’ll be better.”
“i made a vow out to the gods.”
“wе didn’t talk. we made universеs out of bitten lips and broken hands.”
“she laughs as though she’s not heard the joke ten thousand times before.”
“we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”
“you used to buy me scotch, but now too much is never enough.”
“these aren’t tears, it’s just the rain that wasn’t brave enough to fall.”
“don’t you realise? they’re just battle cries, dear.”
“stop asking why i’m sad; just know it’s enough to know i’m sad.”
“stop listening to the smiths.”
“if you asked me, i would lose it all, like petals in a storm.”
“it’s getting late.”
“you’re lying on some coats.”
“whatever you do, don’t turn.”
“run until your lungs are numb.”
“run to show that love’s worth running to.”
“it cannot be a lie if no-one hears.”
“how unreasonably in love i am with everything you do.”
“they might laugh because you’re leaving, but know we’ll sing your name when you come home.”
“for christ’s sake just say something.”
“our love is shown in the letting go.”
“this isn’t a break up, dear heart, it’s a season finale.”
“and i’ll withstand what’s written for the writer in you.”
“they’re discussing champagne.”
“i pack what is needed for thе journey to come: all my books, all my bracken and booze.”
“who’ll save you when you fall?”
“sing me awake with a song about pirates.”
“i’m not lonely if i’m with you.”
“welcome to ruin.”
“i do my best to breathe, but they’re stealing all the air.”
“i’m dolled up, love.”
“remember today you’re enough.”
“know we’ll always love you, even though you’re leaving us behind.”
“so breathe, breathe, just breathe.”
“it’s nought that rum won’t solve.”
“every time we watch netflix we spend two hours deciding what to watch on netflix.”
“i’m between that ‘just one more’ and ‘drank too much again’.”
“this here is not singing, i’m just screaming in tune.”
“i don’t know what to do, how to help her, how to bring her home.”
“i can’t wait to show you how much i know you can be.”
“let’s wander, ‘til the fuckers demand an encore.”
“some fictions we took to mean fate.”
“the party swirls around me in a dress i can’t afford.”
“if by palace you mean that asbestos, and beans from a tin, and the gin that we brewed in the bathtub.”
“it’s not fair how much i love you.”
“it’s what my heart just yearns to say in ways that can’t be said.”
“a storm is coming on.”
“come on, love, please don’t start.”
“never really liked the pattern that much on the wallpaper so anyway.”
“you brought me through this darkness but you left me here behind.”
“i’ve got something in my eye.”
“they’re just dollops of paint on a new work of art.”
“i’ve seen enough.”
“you’ll love the way i tell it.”
“for some reason you’ve painted the kitchen lime green.”
“you’re the words that i promise i don’t mean.”
“i surrender what was, what could have been.”
“got a headache that just won't shift.”
“it’s what my rotting bones will sing when the rest of me is dead.”
“i know the kindest thing is to leave you alone.”
“i wish that i could take his hand, but where i’m going is for me and me alone.”
“i chipped my teeth on every joke you cracked.”
“and when i think i’m fine, you’ll visit.”
“tell the truth to me, love, does my hair look as nice as it did when it once tangled up in your eyes?”
“i will bring you ruin in everything i do.”
“i might not make it tonight.”
“you angel heart. you monster, oh, some godforsaken prospero.”
“if you knew all that i’d done …”
“remember me i ask.”
“they’re running out of things to hold.”
“back then you had hair and your smile was so sublime.”
“if you knew all that i’d done … the hearts i’ve broken.”
“write me well my love, write me weird, write me willing, write me well.”
“don’t say anything.”
“you don’t see daylight anymore.”
“don’t you know that it’s not all about you anyway?”
“i promise you i’ll try.”
“pray for me ‘cause i won’t pray for you.”
“let’s hide under the covers.”
“she sang, ‘do you think i’m sexy?’ and oh god i really did.”
“and for some godforsaken reason i’m still here, love, like i’ve always been before.”
“we’ll build a den out of pillows and get drunk again.”
“all that matters is that you’re here.”
“just because i left doesn’t mean that i’m not still there.”
“i’ve waited oh so long for you to come.”
“it seems to me that you can’t sleep.”
“oh, if one more guy calls me darling then i swear to you and to god i will murder them all.”
“wе’re both unwanted daughters.”
“do you like my dress? it’s got pockets.”
“there’s only faces of the unfamous dead; full of people just pretending to be brave.”
“i’ve run out of my words, my song, just let me die.”
“so one last time, love, come and rip my clothes off.”
“when you think about him, my wings start to flap.”
“don’t you think i look pretty curled up on this bathroom floor?”
“run for all the things you wished you’d done.”
“why are you wearing all that make up?”
“and now, even though you’re mad and these memories won’t stay, that’s okay, 'cause then i get to meet you for the first time every single day.”
“i’m learning to be so much more than my tiredness.”
“gonna go home and show my cat some memes.”
“can’t you see that i’m enough for you but you don’t want me to be, 'cause that means you’ll actually have to be content?”
“i don’t find this easy like you.”
“i loved him then, i love him still.”
“you can’t rehearse the chorus, but the verse is sweet.”
“i steal the hours and turn the night into day.”
“i don’t know how to reach you when you get like this.”
“i’m the heartbreak that aches far too much to be shunned.”
“you’re not a coward 'cause you cower; you’re brave because they broke you, yet broken still you breathe.”
“i’m at the brink, don’t laugh.”
“i’d bruise you.”
“i’ll run until i begin to understand what holy men really mean when they speak of sin.”
“i said ‘pour’ and forgot to say ‘when’.”
“champagne’s the main course.”
“we’ll dance together so close we’re sharing breath.”
“i wish i’d known these stones were something i could save.”
“i love you less.”
“get a grip, we’re grownups.”
“let’s take this outside 'cause we’re one and the same.”
“a broken pot can still hold water.”
“i spend my days so close to you 'cause if i’m standing here, maybe everyone will think i’m alright.”
“think of all the horrors that i promised you i’d bring.”
“can you pass me the lighter mate?”
“i’m fine, it’s just a ‘sitting down in the shower’ day.”
“now take a good long look at what you’ve done to me.”
“with you, i could summon the gods and the stars.”
“gonna go home and dress my cat up like batman.”
“on that tree i’ll carve your name ‘cause in years to come we both know we won’t be the same.”
“we can both barely stand.”
“i can smell the smoke of hell.”
“if there was one place i could be right now, i’d be standing there between you and him.”
“ ‘cause darling, i was born to press my head between your shoulder blades.”
“i raged so much.”
“you are that space that’s in between every page, every chord and every screen.”
“i’m all yours.”
“i try so hard to make you laugh at me.”
“but like rubbing wine stains into rugs, it’s my curse to try and make it right, but by trying make it worse.”
“i’m so sorry, i’ve done it again.”
“it’s up to you now.”
“i get to watch you grow up now and make me proud, make all of those mistakes that make me laugh.”
“where’s the vodka?”
“something’s sucking out your core.”
“what you see is not the dark, it’s just the gods upturning inkpots.”
“who died and made you king of it all?”
“it seems to me that you you can’t dance for shit.”
“there’s no fucking way you’re from [place].”
“we didn’t talk.”
“and the candle we lit, well we’ll use it to burn this whole place to the ground.”
“he said, hey, darling, hey, hey, darling, hey.”
“i know they think i’m nightmare.”
“take my hand, let us waltz for the dead.”
“for you, i would have gone so much blonder.”
“it’s not fair, 'cause you make me laugh when i’m actually really fucking cross at you for something.”
“go tell them how we failed you.”
“symphonies and sweat and sex mean nothing when you are obsessed with sin and soil and strength and song and all the words that came out wrong and him.”
“we don’t know what’s out there.”
“i look into the waters and see a face i don’t recognise.”
“let’s try and fit into the same pair of stretchy old track pants and just roll around inside each other for three whole days.”
“we showed the world that we exist.”
“your smile tells me i’m safe.”
“it’s like all the wallpaper inside my heart is slowly slowly peeling off and i’m showing all the stains and things they wrote on the wall before.”
“might you allow me to slip into something more comfortable then?”
“you stole the best years of my life.”
“all hell and its fire waits for us.”
“we’ll make our christmas decorations out of toilet roll tubes and tinfoil.”
“how bold i was, could be - will be - still am, by god still am.”
“it’s what i meant.”
“welcome to my table, bring your hunger.”
“you’re the one who told me my hair looked better black.”
“i’ll sing silence, and ask my glass of wine for guidance.”
“what changed?”
“'then maybe you’d still be snuggled here in my bed watching netflix. and now i can’t 'cause you changed the password when you left.”
“i wish that i’d been brave.”
“we callеd them all liars.”
“but you lack the conviction to look at me straight and say yes.”
“there’s something changed.”
“give me two damn minutes and i’ll be fine.”
“you watch the stars hurl all their fundaments in wonderment.”
“get drunk for me, sing louder than you’ve sung for me.”
“what’s that hold that the big dark king of nothing has got on you?”
“but i’ll stick up for you, even though you haven’t got a fucking clue.”
“i cannot sleep when all you do is cry.”
“i toast to their talents.”
“how wrong you were.”
“i tried, i really fucking tried.”
“'cause although you say good day to me, i know i don’t belong.”
“sweet nothings are screamed not spoken.”
“back then i was dauntless.”
“all the bastards applaud when i show that i’m flawed.”
“now my ink’s blood-red, not black.”
“it’s just sometimes nice to feel what it’s like to be in someone else’s coat.”
“you were raised by wolves and voices.”
“i mop up what is left of my lungs.”
“i could try to calm you down but i know you won’t.”
“it’s my dad’s.”
“you were supposed to be my light and keep me safe against them all. how could you leave me here?”
“everyone knows how sex is better when you’re unemployed.”
“and i laugh, and i laugh ‘cause laughing right now, it’s all, it’s all that i have.”
“farewell wanderlust, you’ve been oh so kind.”
“you’re not flawed darling, you’re just a little under-rehearsed.”
“it’s never my intention but it happens all the same.”
“your eyes aren’t rivers there to weep, but a place for crows to rest their feet.”
“i’m not going to scream, beat my chest at the wind. i’m doing fine.”
“you’ll never get your dinner if you don’t learn how to get along.”
“oh we, we’re gonna get on.”
“i make myself acquainted with the saint of never getting it right.”
“i would have stayed if you’d had asked.”
“fret not dear heart.”
“i’m here and i’m alive.”
“this is us, this is me, and this how we’re meant to be.”
“i cannot find the words to keep you.”
“come rest for the winter, wear my jumper all night long.”
“you look like i need a drink.”
“are you god or devil?”
“i’m the hardest goodbye that you’ll ever have to say.”
“i’ll play our song to see if the piano’s in tune.”
“come rip up the flesh of my fears.”
“do you think she even knows i bought my shoes from oxfam?”
“could be ghosts or monsters or a robot vampire, i dunno.”
“what the hell went wrong, 'cause we had this planned.”
“without you, i’m stronger, i’m no longer filled with wonder.”
“the best laid plans had it all planned.”
“oh darling lord, how you make me laugh.”
“look at me as you say this, don’t look at your phone.”
“i know i won’t be long ‘cause i know i don’t belong.”
“can’t you see that i’m enough for you but you don’t want me to be?”
“do y’know what they cost?”
“if god make us all in his image, then god’s a fucking nerd.”
“if i’m good, will you come back?”
“is that what you think of me now?”
“i should go home.”
“i’ll spend my days so close to you 'cause if i’m standing here maybe everyone will think i’m cool.”
“i know she’s giving up.”
“he’s falling out of touch.”
“you don’t have to be brilliant.”
“i promise you there’s more.”
“i need a drink or two.”
“you dad will forget the words.”
“and i love you, don’t you know.”
“do i have to be who i am?”
“i’ll give them back.”
“i’ll yell it from the rooftops for you.”
“it’s just your voice learning for once to stand up tall.”
“every night i hear them howling.”
“for a time there is timelessness.”
“you’re all mine.”
“you gave us such a fright.”
“i won’t let you turn our last night into this.”
“i’ve been waiting for you to come home.”
“let not them hear the mutterings of all your fears.”
“i know exactly what i want, and it’s this life that we’ve created.”
“this here is not makeup, it’s a porcelain tomb.”
“my heart is tearing pages from that funny story i rehearsed.”
“i’m not lonеly, i just like being on my own.”
“are you cain, 'cause i’m not abel.”
“yeah, well i’m sorry too.”
“take me back to that dance hall where you got thrown out 'cause they thought you were drunk.”
“you are screaming far too loud to hear me swear.”
“for the first time in all my life, i know i’m more than what i fear.”
“i’ll take my fucking time.”
“can’t we just talk about this?”
“certainly fucking feels like it.”
“i’m not telling but you can fuck off if no one will come back for you.”
“you’re better than this.”
“you’re going too fast.”
“he’s got so much fucking hair.”
“sometimes i fall to pieces, just to see what bits of me don’t fit.”
“of all the flowers you picked, i knew you would forget forget-me-nots.”
“don’t you ever wonder what could have been?”
“my dress is on fire.”
“we don’t have time to fuck around.”
“i will be the man my father never was.”
“the oldies at the back try their best to hack their way out with the gardener’s pruning shears.”
“did you tell them about the time we met?”
“your face lights up like you’ve woken up from this endless fucking nightmare of pretending this is you.”
“if we join our hands in prayer enough to god, i imagine it all starts to sound like applause.”
“and fucking bastard what is it.”
“but now i’m leading doesn’t that just scare you to death?”
“although you hold my hand and say ‘i love you,’ you are wrong.”
“they’ll sing of every time you passed your fingers through my hair and called me child.”
“let’s dance together.”
“i hope to god i’m not the first.”
“we’re drunk but drinking.”
“a new us has begun.”
“i will try to harmonise.”
“witness me, old man, i am the wild.”
“please don’t do this, my heart is breaking.”
“my head’s not yours it’s mine.”
“stop making up death wishes.”
“you do not get to hurt me just because i asked you once if you were alright.”
“want some pancakes?”
“i can’t do this, you don’t understand.”
“they’ll speak of me in whispered tones and say my name like it shakes their bones.”
“i’m stronger now than you have ever known.”
“you couldn’t lie then and you sure as hell can’t lie to me now.”
“so long to the person you begged me to be.”
“nothing quite prepares you for when they don’t come back.”
“i forgot to pack them lunches.”
“he’s awesome, like me.”
“flirting at the back of a bookshop.”
“i forgive them at last.”
“if you ever touch or harm him, please rest assured that you might not fear a man, but to a woman by the end you’ll kneel and plea.”
“why won’t you just tell them all to fuck off, love, and be mine?”
“welcome to the storm, i am thunder.”
“i’d burn so bright it blinded.”
“it’s not fair 'cause you make me ache, you bastard.”
“i’d catch you every time you fell.”
“give me back my heart, you wingless thing.”
“can’t you hear that scratching? there’s something at the door.”
“you say the words so often that i barely know the meaning.”
“you are in the earth of me.”
“do you like my accent?”
“why won’t you believe i love you if i’m not hurting you?”
“oh, the hearts i’ve broken …”
“what you hear is not silence, it’s just the trees waiting to hear what next you’ll hum.”
“that creaking you hear in my bones is not pain, it’s applause.”
“don’t turn around dear.”
“with every strength i have, i ask if you play d&d.”
“hold my hand.”
“my friends are telling me i’m pissed.”
“you try so hard.”
“run for all you know that’s coming.”
“you brought me to this party but you left me here behind.”
“i love you.”
“i wish i’d done things different.”
“it doesn’t know how to get out.”
“i don’t know, but i’m here, i’m all yours, dear heart, don’t cry.”
“i look at the phone on the floor and i drink that nice wine you were saving.”
“watch me choke at your bad joke.”
“they said it all comes down to you.”
“i won’t leave without a fight.”
“when you were young, you’d kick things just to see if they would fall.”
“i know the kindest thing is to never leave you alone.”
“’cause i’m not trapped, with you, you see - you’re the one who’s trapped with me.”
“christ, you’ll be the death of me.”
“you’re the one who told me to never look back.”
“my jokes are my armour, and my kindness is my sword.”
“i make jokes to show how broken i really am.”
“you were in a band.”
“remember today you are loved.”
“hold me, lover, like you used to.”
“and i will wait and hope and rest my head at night content knowing where my marbles went.”
“me wearing your clothes just to surprise you when you come home all tired of those wankers that you serve all night.”
“it’s saving me now, love.”
“how the fuck am i supposed to carry on without you here?”
“the wine stains hide the tears.”
“you rip my ribcage open and devour what’s truly yours.”
“what’s the point anymore?”
“don’t lie with your eyes, you know i despise that look.”
“oh my god it’s so unfair.”
“be good to me.”
“and that drink, will it fix all those questions unasked?”
“i am the wild.”
“i know you’re strong enough to do this on your own.”
“i know that i’ve been through the wars.”
“you’re the thigh-high hemline i just can’t stop staring at.”
“he doesn’t understand.”
“today i somehow understand the reason i was born.”
“fuck you.”
“but where you see weakness i see wit.”
“the minute i met you, the colours of my life began to pour.”
“try please try for me.”
“i pick up the phone, dial your number and wait.”
“i’ve loved you, for a hundred years.”
“why so sad?”
“if my old mum could see me now, oh how she’d howl.”
“i put up fairy lights just to distract you.”
“i’ve even learned to cook.”
“you’ve no clue how to sew.”
“we’d hate to see your mascara drip into your pint.”
“i’m filming shit on that camera you nicked.”
“you don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re not.”
“our gods have abandoned us.”
“i’m the tales that the guests will applaud and believe.”
“a song you know's begun.”
“oh those folks will run and tell the tales of what i’ve become.”
“where have you been?”
“i’m the captain of courage you’ve eternally lacked.”
“i watched that woman drown.”
“where i’m going is for me and me alone.”
“i’ll run until i begin to understand what holy men really mean when they speak of sand and sons and seams and symphonies and sweat and sex and sin.”
“it’s so boring.”
“you dragged us both into the darkness that grows.”
“tear me up and burn me up and rip me up and leave your hand on the wall as you go.”
“it’s not fair 'cause you make me weep when i’m just trying to watch the office with my yoghurt.”
“be good, be safe, be kind.”
“what’s left is the mess that you left when you told me i wasn’t right in the head.”
“go tell them how we fucked you up.”
“i don’t want them to go.”
“just relax and come to bed with me.”
“you try so loud to love me; i cannot seem to hear.”
“i’ll darn you back together.”
“tomorrow’s jokes have yet to be laughed at or said.”
“i promise you i’m not broken.”
“i promise to be patient.”
“i’ve been here so many times before.”
“you’re so beautiful to me.”
“i’m untangling my headphones ‘cause sometimes they’re the only thing that keeps my head in place.
“i’m going to binge watch a box set, drink wine, reminisce.”
“pour me wine by my bed.”
“i’ll watch her ruin her life and dye her hair bright colours.”
“you promise to be kind.”
“oh, darling, please be mine.”
“i drag myself like a rug in the rain.”
“i’m your angel ellipsis, your devil of dots.”
“i promise you i’ll write.”
“i’m the saint of the paint that was left in the pot.”
“it’s so boring to see you tired all the time.”
“i’m scared of the dark.”
“these hands are growing cold.”
“i know your fingernails are the colour of rust.”
“if i don’t make it back from where i’ve gone, just know i loved you all along.”
“you’re the one who asked me if i’m feeling ok.”
“honey i’m no man, i’m what’s left when children go to war.”
“back then i wasn’t hopeful.”
“just watch me burn.”
“i’ll make a hundred paper planes to decorate our tiny room.”
“why won’t you let me follow in your footsteps as you trek into that underground world?”
— January 17, 1922 / Franz Kafka diaries
🐝 * ― 𝑫𝑰𝑭𝑭𝑬𝑹𝑬𝑵𝑻 𝑾𝑨𝒀𝑺 𝑻𝑶 𝑯𝑼𝑮 𝑺𝑶𝑴𝑬𝑶𝑵𝑬.
[ side hug ] a casual and friendly hug where one person puts their arm around the other's shoulder / waist [ back hug ] a hug where one person comes up to another and wraps their arms around them [ bear hug ] a tight, warm, and engulfing hug [ waist hug ] a hug where both partners put their arms around each other's waist and hold onto them [ welcome hug ] a hug given to someone as a form of greeting [ goodbye hug ] a hug given to someone before they leave [ reunion hug ] a hug where one leaps into their partner's arms after time apart [ quick hug ] a quick hug that's usually accompanied by a quick pat on the back [ unreciprocated hug ] a hug where one partner remains motionless while the other hugs them [ eye-to-eye hug ] a hug during which two people gaze into each other's eyes [ patting hug ] a hug where one / both partner(s) give a pat on the back [ cuddle hug ] a tight hug where both tightly hold onto each other and one snuggles into the other person's chest [ pickpocket hug ] a hug where they have their arms behind their partner's back and their hands in their pockets [ straddle hug ] a hug where one straddles their partner's waist who is holding them up and they both keep eye contact [ heart-to-heart hug ] a hug where the left arm is over the partner's right shoulder and the right arm around the partner's left side [ london bridge hug ] a hug where the upper bodies are close to each other but the lower bodies are kept apart [ head-on-shoulder hug ] a hug where one partner holds onto their partner's arm and rests their head on their shoulder [ twirl hug ] a hug where one twirls the other around while tightly holding onto them [ flirty hug ] a hug where one has their arms around their partner's neck and their head on their chest [ lingering hug ] a long-lasting hug between close friends or romantic partners [ comforting hug ] a hug given to someone to comfort them [ touch starved hug ] a careful hug given to someone after noticing some signs of touch starvation [ running hug ] a hug where both partners run into each other's arms [ surprise hug ] a hug where one catches the other off guard with an unexpected hug [ apology hug ] a sincere and heartfelt hug given to convey apologies [ group hug ] a hug that involves multiple people [ slow dance ] a type of hug where both partners are incredibly close to one another and sway to some music [ shoulder-to-shoulder hug ] a hug where two people stand side-by-side with their arms around each other's shoulders [ family hug ] a hug given between two family members [ no-words-needed hug ] a hug given when no more words are needed and they just want to be close to one another