Fifteen Rules to Live By:
Be graceful and charming - some nitwit is always going to come along and ask you to do something to help them; you almost certainly will have to do it, so smile, beautifully and say yes! They will talk about how gracious you were and you will get lots of credit, kisses, gifts and maybe money. But if you do it gracelessly, it will still steal your time, and the person you have helped will probably stick pins in an effigy of you and or never talk to you again. Which may, of course, be a bonus. One has to weigh up the pros and cons.
Always wear big knickers. Because your VPL (visible panty line) will be up by your nipples, so no one will ever see it.
Always accept a drink and always have a wee whenever you can - the apocalypse might be just around the corner and facing that with a raging thirst and a full bladder would be unpleasant.
Be like Paddington Bear and carry a marmalade sandwich in your hat.
If you feel yourself losing your sense of humour, try cracking a yolk.
Never help an old lady across the road. 100 is the new 35 and old ladies bite now - they can manage, believe me.
Always help old men across the road, and preferably away from the old ladies that bite.
You don't know what you don't know, and you don't know a helluva lot, so surround yourself with stupid people, and ask them to call you Professor - after all, student loans are very expensive.
Never self publish your work - always self publish your work, or, better still, never ask writers for advice.
People have been arguing about Shakespeare for 400 years, so go and see Hamlet, and start arguing with your neighbour, but don't invade Norway.
Always be nice to hippies and vegans - soon everyone else will have murdered each other and you may need to beg for a spliff.
Never put a person or a carpet down, you are no better than them.
Save the birds! Make your cat wear a bell or bell-bottomed trousers; very hard to run in.
Don't try to be a spontaneous with a lentil; they require several years of dating before they commit.
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