woke up to a notification from you, saw the word hypothetically, clicked on it and it was already gone 🙃, but I support it, I think 💕
yes, hi! sorry this is so late, life is annoying. i popped up over on duffmckagans sometime last week and made a post (i don't even remember what i said), and then deleted it like five minutes later because i'm very conflicted about the whole deal.
i'm gonna use your post as a little life update anyway, because i really do miss tumblr and think i may return to duffmckagans because i've sort of outgrown my need for this blog. i'm very much still writing original content (or, try to, whenever i'm not busy (rare)), but i've sort of left behind the need to share that with other people, mostly just because 1.) nobody cares (real), 2.) it's so slow-moving these days that it just left me with the feeling like i had nothing to do on this blog because i've pretty much completely buried to rest the idea of ever rewriting that fic in an original format and settled another, more personal novel/project i have much more faith in the future publishing of. and because it is so personal and niche and boring, it just doesn't generate discussion or anything else worth posting about at the moment.
however, i do miss having a blog. i miss talking to people, i miss seeing my friends, i miss posting my writing, i miss reblogging silly pictures with silly tags, etc. i'm honestly at my busiest point in my entire life right now because i decided over the summer that i wanted to go to law school so i've been slammed between studying for that, taking the LSAT (law school entrance exam) twice and having a third attempt scheduled for january, tutoring, working almost full-time, some volunteer work, general family chaos (permanent fixture), etc. and if anybody remembers me from my college days, you may remember i was an anomaly in that i had a supremely unusual amount of free time. enough so that i could routinely churn out anywhere from 10k-15k of new words a week. was it good? no, not really, but that's besides the point. i'm not somebody built to do so much at once, so that ever-present stress (which should clear up around late january - ignoring what may come from law school) has sort of pushed me away from all the things i used to love #HAHA!!! for a long time. pretty much everybody i know can attest to the fact i've become a shit replier, i don't even see messages for days and then i forget to reply once i do. it's very annoying and inconveniencing, and i apologize! i can't promise it'll get better quite yet, but that's a bit of explanation there. i used to be somebody who'd be around almost 24/7 and i will get back to that eventually, but ... not yet.
that being said, i've experienced other Life Things that sort of has me crawling back to things that make me happy, if only so i don't become hopelessly lost in responsibilities and pressure and stress. ironically enough, it was sharing my original manuscript with my mother of all people (adding on to if anybody knows the first thing about me or remembers when my life blew up 2 years ago) and getting to bond with her over that after pretty much being no contact for 2 years that had me remembering how important writing is for me, but not even necessarily for my own personal gain. financially, i mean. of course, publishing is a life goal, and everybody told me to pursue law so that i could eventually fund my own writing career (ngl this is what got me), but i loved sharing it. i deleted the fic a little over a year ago as of now, i think? and i feel like i've been floundering not necessarily without It, but without having something to do every week, people to talk to, reactions to read; just generally something to keep me tied to some vague sense of passing time. there was a time in my life where it was either wednesday or it wasn't x6, and some people may say that's a crazy way to live, but it got me through my awful college years with success and a smile on my face, so idrgaf. i do actually really miss the fic. i miss the whole universe, i miss the community (undoubtedly smaller, understandably), and i miss the ease it used to bring because i was just genuinely doing what i loved.
i can't even remember what i said in my other ask reply that addressed this fic, something in response to "fuck that ginger cunt," but i will say that i have revisited the fic. i have a very, very, very complicated relationship with guns n' roses as an entity and, moreover, axl and his entire existence. for obvious reasons. he fucking sucks. legitimately one of the most awful excuses of a man i've ever met (or...been waved to by?) and likely should be buried beneath a jail somewhere. i will happily wield the shovel!! that being said. actually, that's all i have to say on it. everything else is a gray area where they still stand as a band that has gotten me through every day of my life since i was 17 and where axl still stands as so much for me, principally the reason i started writing and still do to this day because nothing else can top that thrill. the fic, honestly speaking, isn't even about the band for me. i could not care less about the band, i don't think i could host a fan page if i tried, beyond reblogging pics and giving my music opinions (while we're on the topic: 1986 sound city sessions reckless life is far superior to the gnr lies version), but i really don't even remember a time where the fic was even about the band rather than some place for me to sketch out a story with roughly-drawn templates of members from my favorite band. i don't think it existed as a band fic since the first half of rocket queen, and i think people could see by the story's direction that it wasn't really about "oooo guns and roses, the most dangerous band in the Wooooorld" so much as it was my two female main characters and the matching set of He's There that were sometimes involved in the adventures. i still have that passion for all of them, i have rewritten the first 23 chapters of rocket queen and that will continue to go up whenever i find a scrap of free time because nothing relaxes me like writing or just gets me to generally calm down and forget the fact i haven't felt at peace in so long 😄
so there is a major question of if i could post it again. and i still don't know. it's tricky. there's a lot of material in there that i don't think people took the time to understand, even worse now that i approach it from a MUCH more mature standpoint (in retrospect, i had no business writing so many of those things at 18, i had no clue what i was talking about or even implying with some of those themes and scenes), and there's a lot of stuff based on or semi-based on real events (trauma) while other real information (how much of a literal threat to humanity these men, particularly axl (but i will never discount any of them) were) is excluded because . . . i don't like torturing women? i could potentially return just as a way to give myself something to do under the guise where i do it with a lot more anonymity, aka not giving people as much of a direct target to verbally/electronically abuse me over fake things, tightening how i respond to things or let people think they have a say in things, and just outright refusing to engage with other matters; let it speak for itself and be ready to pull it again the second people take it too far or clearly can't handle with maturity and respect something that's marked mature, plastered in content warnings, and thoroughly tagged/addressed at every twist and turn, because at the end of the day--because i was barely a concept when all of these events were happening--it's all fictional. "based on" anything or not, it's fake. i have nothing but secondhand, thirdhand, or no-hand information abound. everybody lies, everybody forgets things, and everybody remembers it differently, and that's just that. i always will have creative license to do whatever the fuck i want regardless of what some 'insert member' stan with their panties in a twist thinks. it said so much to me that nobody ever criticized me for writing about a deeply problematic band and just about the fact that i had women characters that made vaguely unlikable decisions.
so, i don't know. i have things to think about. i am vaguely aware of the fact i may be depressed, so i would like to have a reason to smile again while i trudge from day to day doing boring things. i am also aware of the fact that i can't just write this fic and not share it with people. i have loose lips in written form and i really don't know what else to do with it. only so much gratification comes from looking at it myself. i ALSO know i said i was going to leave this behind forever, and also that i probably should, but i am a: liar. i fucking love guns n' roses.
thanks for listening to my ramble. completely understandable if you never send me an ask again. much love 💗
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