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@amightyfortress
Obedience
After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, âAbraham!â And he said, âHere I am.â He said, âTake your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.â So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And heâŠ
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A Living Sacrifice
Now the wife of one of the sons of the prophets cried to Elisha, âYour servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the Lord, but the creditor has come to take my two children to be his slaves.â And Elisha said to her, âWhat shall I do for you? Tell me; what have you in the house?â And she said, âYour servant has nothing in the house except a jar of oil.â Then he said, âGoâŠ
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The Lion of Judah
ââŠHe had no form or majesty that we should look at Him, and no beauty that we should desire Him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces; He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was piercedâŠ
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What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had doneâŠThen Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, âSo may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.â Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his lifeâŠThere he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and he said to him, âWhat are you doing here,âŠ
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Seasons
âFor everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.â
Ecclesiastes 3:1
It is crazy how quickly seasons can change, both in the natural and the supernaturally. For example, we had a beautiful Fall 70 degree day here in Nashville, TN and 48 hours later, we had snow and a couple of 19 degree days. There was no warning outside of what the Weather app was telling me but evenâŠ
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New Wine
âFor this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.â 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
This past Tuesday at church, our pastor asked the congregation to raise their hands if we had a goodâŠ
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Knowing the Voice of the Father
âThen Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, He was hungry. The tempter came to Him and said, âIf You are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.â Jesus answered, âIt is written: âMan shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.ââ Then the devil took Him to the holy city and had Him stand on the highest point of the temple. âIf You are the Son of God,â he said, âthrow Yourself down. For it is written: âHe will command His angels concerning You, and they will lift You up in their hands, so that You will not strike Your foot against a stone.ââ Jesus answered him, âIt is also written: âDo not put the Lord your God to the test.ââ Again, the devil took Him to a very high mountain and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. âAll this I will give You,â he said, âif You will bow down and worship me.â Jesus said to him, âAway from me, Satan! For it is written: âWorship the Lord your God, and serve Him only.ââ Then the devil left Him, and angels came and attended Him.â Matthew 4:1-8
For the past couple of months, I have been contemplating a lot on these scriptures and the idea of what it means to know the greater story. (See below for the other scriptures.) Iâve read these verses so many time and have been blown away in both instances; because, in some way, the promises are exactly what the Lord came here for. He came for His authority and glory, that people would believe and know Him as Savior, and to provide a way for us to be reunited with Him.
âAs they went out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. They compelled this man to carry His cross. And when they came to a place called Golgotha (which means Place of a Skull), they offered Him wine to drink, mixed with gall, but when He tasted it, He would not drink it. And when they had crucified Him, they divided His garments among them by casting lots. Then they sat down and kept watch over Him there. And over His head they put the charge against Him, which read, âThis is Jesus, the King of the Jews.â Then two robbers were crucified with Him, one on the right and one on the left. And those who passed by derided Him, wagging their heads and saying, âYou who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save Yourself! If You are the Son of God, come down from the cross.â So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked Him, saying, âHe saved others; He cannot save Himself. He is the King of Israel; let Him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in Him. He trusts in God; let God deliver Him now, if He desires Him. For He said, âI am the Son of God.ââ And the robbers who were crucified with Him also reviled Him in the same way.â Matthew 27:32-44
In Matthew 4, Satan offers the Lord authority over all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor if He only worships Satan. In Matthew 27, the chief priests, scribes, and elders said that if He were to come down from the cross, they would believe in Him. This is where I get caught up in myself because in both cases, if I was in the Lordâs shoes sandals, I might have said yes to the enemy so that I could have the authority and glory promised and to prove who I was, come off of that cross. HOWEVER, the Lord 1. knew the greater story and 2. knew the voice of His Father. And those commands in the scriptures above did not come from His Father.
**EDIT: I donât believe it to be a coincident that one of these stories in scriptures happens at the very beginning of Jesus walking out His purpose and the other being at the very end of Jesus fulfilling those purposes. While I am still processing this new revelation (as in I edited this blog after it posted because this hit me), this is what I am thinking. For Christians, I can see how the very beginning of knowing our calling and the time where we see the fruits of our calling can be times of vulnerability for the enemy to sneak in and distract. Itâs in these moments and basically every moment, that knowing the voice of the Father becomes necessary and valuable.**
He spent intimate and intentional time with His Father, He knew what His Father said to Him, knew when His Father called Him, and could recognize His Fatherâs voice. He was capable of discerning what was of the Father and what was not. This has me asking myself, do I know the voice of my Father to the point that I can discern what is of Him and what is not? Am I intimate and intentional in my time with Him that I know what He says, when He calls me and can recognize His voice over everyone else (enemy included)?
âI am the Good Shepherd. I know My own and My own know Me, just as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep...My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.â John 10:14-15, 27
It also has me wondering, how often do I forget the greater story, am impatient towards His promise, or say yes to something I think is my purpose without seeking the Father first? As an almost 31 year old, Iâve struggled a lot with patience in certain areas and in our fast-paced, consumerism culture, I want almost everything instantly. Nothing is worth waiting for anymore when you can get it today and that has carried over to the Christian walk. We want His promises for us right now without spending time with Him but thatâs not how He works. Letâs be real, Jesus didnât even start His calling until He was 30 but He prepared in the hidden season (the years before that) by spending time with the Father. Why do I expect it to be any different for me? If Iâm not intentionally and intimately seeking the Father, how do I even know what His promises are for me and how do I discern His voice in my life?
Lord, I cast off everything that hinders me from knowing You more. The distractions that keep me from spending time with You and from hearing Your voice. The things that encourage the ideas that everything comes instantly, I lay it all down to know You better. Donât let my circumstances speak of who You are but rather You speak truth into my circumstances. Teach me how to love You more than I love this world and the things in it because You are the only one worthy of my praise and affection.
By His Stripes We Are Healed
âSurely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed.â Isaiah 53:4-5
I have contemplated whether to post this now or wait but feel the Lord calling me to share now. If you have seen my recent Instastories or post in the past couple of weeks, you will know where this is going. So here goes:
As many of you already know, in 2016 I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. It happened pretty quickly, went to a doctor on Sunday for severe pain in my hip, went to another doctor on Tuesday for said pain, was sent immediately to the hospital, had emergency surgery on Wednesday, spent a week in the hospital with no answers to what was going on, and a couple of weeks later, found out I tested positive for Lyme Disease. **Sorry for the long run-on sentence English major people but it gets across the point of how quickly this was.** As scary as it sounds, Lyme sounded much better to me than Rheumatoid, which is what they originally thought I might have. Iâm thankful for a great doctor who didnât settle for that and pressed in further to see what was really going on.
After doing six weeks of an antibiotic, I was told that I would no longer have any issues and all would be great. Which for the most part has been true. However, a little over six months ago I started having some weird symptoms that after doing a little bit of research and talking to a friend here in Nashville who has Lyme, figured out that they were likely Lyme related. I scheduled the first appointment I could with a recommended Lyme Specialist, did initial blood work and found out that I tested positive for several things. He also gave me another test to do that was more intense, more accurate, and covered the scarier side of Lyme Disease (cough, Co-Infections). For those of you that arenât aware (like I once was) when you contract Lyme, you can also get other kinds of infections that can do a lot of damage in your body, these are called co-infections. If any of those results came back positive, I would likely be on a long journey with medicines and other changes to treat those infections.
Two weeks ago, I went back to my doctor for a follow-up visit to find out the results from the second tests. I had really struggled the two weeks before this doctorâs appointment, knowing that God could heal me but really struggled with the idea of would He heal me. I had so many dear friends from The Belonging Co. pray over me for healing, who believed I would be healed when I had a hard time believing it for myself, and who fought in faith to bring me to Jesus. Before I walked in, I felt prompted to write on my âPraiseâ card from church that I had been healed of Lyme Disease. But a part of me was anxious for what these tests would show and what that would mean for the rest of my life. As I sat in the room, waiting for my turn, I prayed over and over again for peace and healing. And this is where God showed up. When the nurse walked in to give me my results on paper, all I remember is opening them to see that all of the results were NEGATIVE!!! What?!?!?
I read it between 15-20 times to make sure I was seeing the results correctly, making sure those were actually my results and they didnât accidentally give me someone elseâs results. It was right in front of my eyes, the proof of Godâs healing. Shortly after, my doctor came in, sat down, crossed his foot onto his leg, opened his computer and looked at the results. First words out of his mouth was âHuh...this is interesting.â Followed by, âyour results say negative, this doesnât make any sense.â I interrupted with a âPraise the Lordâ, in which he responded âPraise the Lord but it still doesnât make any sense.â He continued to say that based on my symptoms and initial blood work, that something on this report should have been positive. He looked at me very puzzled and told me that he would like to run more blood work. But I knew exactly what was going on, God had healed beyond all natural understanding...I had been healed!
Those second round of blood results came back last week and of the four things I originally tested positive for, two of those things are now negative and two remain positive. And even in that, God is healing because I didnât do any intervention or take any medicine between the first and second round of test, so in no way should those results have changed. But they did and it is all through Jesus. So I am standing here today to say that I have been healed of Lyme disease and all the ugly aspects that go along with that diagnosis. Not because of anything I have done but through the loving kindness of Christ. It is by His stripes that I am healed. I am currently walking through healing of the last two things that are still positive and I am totally believing that those results will change. I have a follow up appointment schedule April 24 and am fully trusting that the last two things will come back negative. Because worthy is the Lamb!
If there is anything you are believing for, I want to be believing in that for you as well. Jesus is the mender of a million shattered parts and all of His promises are yes and amen. He is still in the business of healing.
âBless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.â Psalm 103:2-5
Satisfied
âFor He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things.â Psalm 107:9
I have never been one to choose a theme for the year at the very beginning. Typically, the Lord shows me what He is teaching me and gives me a word as I am in the middle or end of a certain season. However, on January 1, I found myself pondering on what the Lord might have for me in 2018 and in this season of life. And then He revealed this word to me, Satisfied.
âAnd the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.â Isaiah 58:11
I have been feeling a big shift in my heart and spirit into a new season of learning to be satisfied. I want to be satisfied in where the Lord has me in, which includes singleness, with tangible things the Lord has blessed me with, and the position He has given me. Above all else though, I want to fight to be satisfied in the Lord alone.
Living in Nashville, TN, it is easy to find yourself desiring the big life with the fancy house and car, to be known and seen by others, and to be respected in the city of music. It is easy to get distracted from being satisfied in the Lord ALONE in the chase for other things that make us feel like we have worth. I want to be so satisfied in Jesus that I donât look towards things of this world for my worth. I want to be so satisfied in the Lord that even in scorched places, I will be like a watered garden and a spring of water whose source of life does not fail. I wasted so much time last year doubting the goodness of the Lord and feeling forgotten by Him because He hadnât answered the cries of my heart. I spent so much time in the scorched lands as a dying tree, malnourished and rotting, and crying out to Him to fall afresh on me. Yet, I didnât desire to spend time with the Lord. In fact, I spent more time watching TV or scrolling through social media than I did in the scriptures or praying. I was not satisfied in Him at all.
This year, I want to fight to be so satisfied with the Lord so that if and when I am in the scorched lands again, I will not be that dying tree but rather the tree planted by the water who has no fear of the drought.
âHe is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.â Jeremiah 17:8
You Shall Know the Lord
âI will betroth you to Me forever. I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.â Hosea 2:19-20
For the past few weeks I have been intimately studying Hosea 2. I know it seems crazy, one chapter of one book for a few weeks but man has it rocked my world. In this season where I have picked up my very deep roots in TX and transplanted very shallow roots in Nashville, I have been walking in a wilderness of loneliness and feeling forgotten. It was a very feeling I felt when I first moved to TX in November 2011 and was to be expected starting over on friends and community in TN. However, this season has a very different feeling to it, one that seems to be doing a greater work within me. Usually, I would be so quick to fill that void of loneliness with friendships, activities, and other things. And ever so often, no matter how long I would have lived somewhere, I would struggle deep down with feeling like I didnât have a place where I belonged. This is mostly because I was finding my identity in my friendships and activities. If I wasnât invited to that hangout, dinner, game night, etc., it would reck my heart and mind and bring back the ever-present thought that I didnât belong. I wanted to belong SOOOOO bad that I would set aside who I was to be what I thought friends wanted me to be.
âFor she said, âI will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink...And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold.â Hosea 2:5,8
With where the Lord has me in Nashville, I am learning more and more about placing my identity only in the Lord. I have seen how I have turned to other people and things to fill a void in seasons past. However, it was/is the Lord all along who gave and gives me the BEST of the best. Not only does He take care of my needs but He LAVISHESÂ me with silver and gold.
âTherefore, behold I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer is in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt. And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call Me âMy Husband,â and no longer will you call me âMy Baal.ââ Hosea 2:14-16
I will not get it perfect. I will probably struggle at times with feeling lonely and forgotten and will fall short in this area. But, I am so thankful for a loving God, who speaks tenderly with me, brings me to places of âlackâ (aka, the wilderness), and shows me who He is and the place He needs to be in my life. He has betrothed me to Him forever in righteousness, justice, steadfast love, mercy and faithfulness. And allows me to KNOW Him, not as my master but as my bridegroom.
âAnd I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, âYou are my peopleâ; and he shall say, âYou are my God.â Hosea 2:23
âOh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine I couldn't earn it I don't deserve it Still You give yourself away Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of Godâ - Reckless Love by Bethel (go listen to it/buy it on iTunes)
TX -> MS -> TN
âAnd He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward Him and find Him. Yet He is actually not far from each one of us, for âIn Him we live and move and have our being.ââ Acts 17:26-28
I have quoted this scripture a lot lately and for good reason. I have been in a pretty big and long season of transition and this scripture sums up this season and all seasons of my life pretty perfectly.
Many of you have already read about my transition from leaving Pine Cove and Texas and moving to home to Mississippi temporarily, so I will save you from having to re-read that moment and the life lessons I walked through. For everyone else, you can refer to my previous blog post titled âChangeâ.
Okay, now to catch everyone up to speed. At the beginning of August, I was connected to a Christian Camp in the Nashville area through another Christian Ministry in Nashville. I applied for a job with this Christian Ministry in May but ultimately was not selected, as they had much better qualified candidates. Even though that was not where the Lord wanted me, I stayed in contact with them in hopes that if I ever did get to Nashville, I could get plugged in with their awesome ministry.
In August, the founder of that Christian Ministry connected me to the founder and president of Barefoot Republic Camp, a Christian Camp in the Nashville area. Barefoot is passionate about reconciliation between diverse racial, cultural, and socioeconomic backgrounds all for the sake of the Gospel. I came to meet some of the team and see one of their Day Camp sites in Nashville and at the end of August, I was offered a position with their ministry.
At the beginning of September, I joined the team as the Program Director for the KY camp, where I will have the opportunity to invest in the lives of the summer staffers serving at camp, help with staff and camper recruitment, invest in the lives of the campers involved with the Youth Advisor Board, and of course, help with the programming at the KY camp. During the Fall and Spring, I am located in Nashville and will relocate to KY when camp is happening during the summer.
I am excited about joining this growing ministry and excited to see how the Lord uses and transforms me through my time here. He is already doing big things and I am so thankful that I get to watch Him move in peopleâs lives here!
As mentioned in Acts 17 (quoted above), every season and place the Lord takes me is a season and place for me to search for the Lord and to know that He is not far from me. It is in Him that I live and move and have my being. So yes, the short season I was in MS and applying for jobs in Nashville was a season where I searched for the Lord and found that He was not far from me. And now in Nashville, I will search for the Lord and rest in the fact that He is not far from me.
Change
âFrom one man He made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from any one of us. âFor in Him we live and move and have our being.â Acts 17:26-28a
I believe I have used these Bible verses in a previous Instagram posts. They are some of my favorite and sum up this season of life perfectly. So here we are again with a fresh reminder of this truth.
On May 31, I celebrated my last day on staff at Pine Cove. I apologize to those of you I havenât been able to tell personally but I do want to tell you how awesome this season of life was. I knew from my first summer in 2009 that Pine Cove was a special place and that I wanted to be a part of what God was doing there after college. I joined full time staff on November 1, 2011 and have been a part of the ministry for 8 consecutive summers (3 during college and 5 on resident staff). God used Pine Cove, my coworkers and bosses, and the community of Believers around me to transform my life for His purposes and His glory, which is what Pine Cove is all about in the first place.
I canât imagine where I would be today without the time the Lord gave me in Tyler and at Pine Cove. I have made dear friends (many that are like family to me), I have grown spiritually and professionally in ways I never dreamed of, and I got to be a part of something much bigger than myself. The Lord used every part of my time there to refine and shape me more into the image of Him. And the Lord continues to use Pine Cove in the lives of my family as my brother has been able to attend camp for a few summers and my nephew and niece will be attending Camp in the City in Starkville for their second year!
It has been bittersweet saying goodbye to my friends/family, coworkers and bosses, and Pine Cove in general but I am excited to see where the Lord leads next. For now, I am in MS looking for full time jobs and focusing much of my search in the Nashville, TN area. I have always loved Nashville and as I thought about where I wanted to go next, it was the place the Lord put on my heart the most. There are a lot of great opportunities there for ministry and I am praying that the Lord opens up the perfect door in that area.
While I am in MS, I rest in the truth that the Lord has determined the periods of time and the boundaries of my dwelling place so that I can search for Him and find Him and know that He is not far from me. So even during this time in MS looking for jobs, I know that He has determined the amount of time I am here too. I trust in His perfect plan and I will use even this season of transition to seek Him and to walk in purpose, because it is âin Him that we live and move and have our being.â
He Is Enough
âThe whole Israelite community set out from Elim and came to the Desert of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had come out of Egypt. In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, âIf only we had died by the Lordâs hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.â Then the Lord said to Moses, âI will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow My instructions.ââ Exodus 16:1-4
I have been doing a quiet time study on Exodus for the past month or so and let me tell you, it has been exactly what I needed in this season of life. In the midst of feeling forgotten by the Lord, I have been reminded how quickly I have forgotten about the Lordâs faithfulness to me, just like the Israelites.
Shortly after the Lord rescued His people from the Egyptians through the plagues and parting the Red Sea, He leads them to the wilderness by a cloud and by fire. And as quickly as they are rescued, they start grumbling and complaining and wishing they were still in Egypt. Wishing that they would have never left, wishing they were still slaves and doing hard labor at the hands of the Egyptians instead of living in freedom with Abba Father.
And I am just like them. In this season of feeling forgotten, I have actually forgotten about the Lordâs faithfulness. I have grumbled and complained about how I am not getting the things my heart desires when I already have everything I need in Him. He has already rescued me and has lavishly loved/loves me and I respond as if that is not enough. Ouch. I have let other things decide whether I feel like I am walking in purpose or not instead of letting the Lord show me that I am. Double ouch.
âWhen the people saw that Moses delayed to come down from the mountain, the people gathered themselves together to Aaron and said to him, âUp, make us gods who shall go before us. As for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.â So Aaron said to them, âTake off the rings of gold that are in the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters, and bring them to me.â So all the people took off the rings of gold that were in their ears and brought them to Aaron. And he received the gold from their hand and fashioned it with a graving tool and made a golden calf. And they said, âThese are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!ââ Exodus 32:1-4
What blows my mind is how quickly the people turn from the Lord. Shortly after God had given His people the layout, I mean EVERY. TINY. DETAIL. of how His tabernacle should be built so that He could dwell with them, they make for themselves a golden calf that they can worship. AND on top of that, they say âthese are your gods, who brought you out of the land of Egypt.â (Exodus 32:4) Wait. Come again. Not only do they worship this golden calf but they give it the glory for their redemption from Egypt. What?
The very presence of the Lord has been with them all along when He parted the Red Sea, led them by cloud and by fire, and when He directed them on building the tabernacle so He could dwell with them. Yet, they looked to something else they can worship. The Lord was with them, He was very real and very there and they turned away, still.
I often wander if I would doubt Godâs hand if I could have seen Him like the Israelites did. If I was standing in front of the Red Sea and the waters split right before me so that I could cross on dry land, how could i ever doubt Him and how He would provide. Yet, in this moment, I am exactly like them. I have seen the Lord provide for me, I have seen Him part the waters for me (although, not literally). I have seen Him do great things in my life and yet, in this season, I have exclaimed âitâs not enough!!â Gosh.
Iâve come to a point in this wilderness, where I am finally realizing that all I ever need, I have in Christ. If I am single for the rest of my days, He is enough. I am finally seeing what I needed to see all along. I am not forgotten. He loves me deeply and intimately that He would send Himself to save me so that He could dwell with me forever. May it be for the rest of my days that I rest in this truth.
Feeling Forgotten
âHow long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?...But I have trusted in Your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because He has dealt bountifully with me.â Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6
This year has been a crazy mix of different seasons, some good and some hard but all have taught me so much and have deepened and challenged my relationship with Christ.
In January, I walked through this season of unexplainable joy. Nothing had changed in my life. No relationship, no job changes, nothing that would make one seem joyous or happy, which (I guess) makes it that much more true joy. My life was very normal if not boring, and yet I walked in a season of deep joy that is hard to put into words. Then in February, things changed with emergency hip surgery, a week in the hospital, 6 weeks on crutches. It was a hard season of learning dependency on others, I felt so weak and struggled with feeling like I was a burden to others. However, I also saw what a blessing of a community that I have in Tyler as dear friends came around me to drive me to and from work for 6 weeks straight, take me to doctorâs appointments, and everything in between.
In March, only 4 days after coming off of the crutches, I went to Israel. I learned so many life lessons there and walked away with so much truth that has transformed the way I read scripture, the way I view my relationship with others (learning how to be more transparent, vulnerable, and dependent), and even how I do my job. I see things in a new light and almost everything that I have done back in the States and conversations I have with people, a lesson from Israel quickly comes to mind.
Right before summer camp started, I was getting super excited about investing in the lives of Woods Staffers in my small group and to share the lessons I had learned in Israel then a few days before the staff arrived, I found out that due to my work position that I would not be allowed to lead a small group at the Woods. I walked through hurt, sadness, and frustration because investing in the lives of college students is something I am passionate about and to see that opportunity be taken away was hard. Although I did not get to lead a small group, I spent as much time as possible at the Woods investing in the lives of college students the only way I could: doing dishes, eating a meal with them and laughing at kid jokes, attending Staff Bible Study, and playing flag football (Go Moms!!). It isnât what I imagined before summer but I LOVED getting to know all the staff while serving alongside them.
After summer, I walked through a season of discontentment in singleness and struggling with seeing it as a good thing from the Lord. In some ways, I think this will always be a struggle while I am single. But as in my previous post, I trust in a Good Father whether I feel like the gift is good or not. This leads me into this new season of struggle that i am currently in: feeling forgotten by the Lord.
I donât know how to really explain what I mean by feeling forgotten and I wish I could say that I am on the other side of this season and can give you this awesome and enlightened message about how I am not forgotten by the Lord. But I am still in this season of feeling forgotten. In fact, I contemplated not even posting this because this is coming from a raw place that has taken war on my emotions and my identity.
It has been hard, feeling like the Lord has just thrown me on the back burner; actually, feeling like I am not even on the stove getting used. Itâs like He set me back on the shelf and completely forgotten about me. Or maybe I am dish that He doesnât even have in His house, at least that is what it feels like. I felt it this summer when I wasnât able to lead a Small Group, I feel it in singleness, and sometimes I feel it in my relationship with others (a feeling of being unwanted). Itâs hard people.
However, as the scripture above mentions: âBut I have trusted in Your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because He has dealt bountifully with me.â Psalm 13:5-6. No matter how I feel, I want to rest in Godâs steadfast (unwavering) love for me, I want my heart to rejoice in Christ salvation FOR ME, HE has dealt BOUNTIFULLY (provided abundantly) with me. WHAT?!?!?! No matter how much my mind and the Devil try to tell me  differently, I want to get to a place where I believe that piece of scripture NO MATTER WHAT. No matter my circumstances, whether I feel like I am in Godâs will, the things or not things happening in my personal life, I want to rest solely in His salvation. Yes, let me rest there and only there alone.
Is Singleness a Good Gift from the Father?
âAsk, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! Matthew 7:7-11
Iâm gong to be really raw in this post. If you were to ask me this question in person, I might quickly say âYes!â and try to sound as enthusiastic as possible. Because, well, Iâm single and I should enjoy the singleness and know what a good gift it is. But if I were being really real, I would say âI donât knowâ and in the hard days âNo.â These past couple of weeks I have fought over this thought: is singleness really a good gift from the Father? Honestly, I struggle to see it as that and hereâs why.
Outside of knowing and following Christ, my greatest desire on this earth is to be a wife and a mother, to walk in marriage and serve my husband and raise a Godly generation in my children. So singleness is stinking hard in this facet. Itâs HARD, people. While watching friends go on dates, get engaged, get married and have kids and celebrating with them in all seasons of their lives (which I LOVE and ADORE doing, so please continue to invite me to your weddings and showers and everything in between!!), I struggle in understanding how singleness is a good gift for me. Itâs the exact opposite of what I hope for in life on this earth. It feels as if the scripture above would be quoted in opposite terms, that the Father is giving me a stone or a snake when Iâve asked for bread or fish.
Donât get me wrong, my intentions are not for you to read this and think that Iâm wanting you to give me pity or that I am wallowing in self-pity because Iâm not âgetting my way.â That is as far away from why I am writing this as possible. But I donât think I am alone in this fight against the flesh and against the evil one who desires for me to be distracted from purpose now, in singleness. I donât think Iâm the only one who struggles with the desire to be a wife and a mom but walking in what to seems to be an endless tunnel of singleness. When there is no end in sight, what do we do? When I donât desire singleness, how do I do it well?
In scripture, we see and know that the Lord uses ALL things for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28). So how do we live for Godâs glory in singleness when we have a hard time seeing it for our good? Well, for me, itâs a constant and almost daily battle; learning to die to myself, pick up my cross, and follow Christ (Matthew 16:24). And because we know that the Father is good (Psalm 107:1, 1 Timothy 4:4, James 1:17), we can trust that what He gives us is good. Whether I believe that singleness is good or not, I can trust that it is for my good; however long the journey may be. When I feel miserable and tired of this single life, I die to myself and follow Christ. I trust that it is a good gift even when I feel like the Father just gifted me a stone or a snake. Because it is not about the gift that is given but the person who gives it. And because the Father is good, the gift He gives is good, no matter what!
If the Lord calls me to be single for the rest of my days, I will follow Him. I will live in purpose now, not waiting for my life or mission to begin once I have a ring on that finger, IF I ever get a ring on that finger. One of my favorite scriptures says this, âFor He has determined the allotted periods and the boundaries of [our] dwelling place so that [we] would seek Him and find Him and know that He is not far from [us]â (Acts 17:26-27). So even in singleness, I will seek Him and know that He is not far from me because He has appointed this time and dwelling place for me.
âIn Him, we live and move and have our being.â Acts 17:28
Havurah
âSome men came, bringing to Him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, âSon, your sins are forgiven.â Mark 2:3-5
Life these past few months has been anything but normal. If you have been following on Facebook, you know that I went to the hospital on February 2 and had emergency hip surgery the next morning for an expectant infection in the hip. After spending a week in a hospital, the doctors were no closer to figuring out what caused the inflammation and dramatic increase in white blood cells. They released me without knowing anything more than they thought it wasnât an infection, suggested I see a Rheumatologist, follow up with my regular doctor, and told me that I was not allowed to bear any weight on my leg for the next 6 weeks.
At this point, I had a little over five weeks until we were leaving for Israel. The surgeon told me there was absolutely no way I could go to Israel with the surgery he had just performed on my hip. However, before I left, the doctor who released me gave me hope and said that Israel was not completely off the plate.Â
A Rheumatologist felt like I had Rheumatoid arthritis and suggested I get on medicine immediately. My doctor felt like the diagnosis of Rheumatoid was wrong and ordered more blood work. The blood test came back positive for Lyme Disease and the next week I started a 6-week antibiotic. Thankfully, it was caught early enough and will not have any long-term effects for me. In fact, at this point, I should be cured and no longer show any symptoms and testing should show that the Lyme is gone. Praise the Lord.
Four days before we left for Israel, I had my final appointment with my surgeon, who allowed me to come off the crutches a week early and gave me clearance to go to Israel. I had no restrictions when it came to the activities and hiking but he cautioned me to not push myself, as my leg would be very fatigued after 6ish weeks of no use. Needless to say, the Lord healed and truly gave an opportunity for faith in those 6 weeks before Israel and the 2 weeks we were in Israel.
While in Israel, I learned so much there and probably many sites that will be later blog posts as I continue to process through what the Lord did. But this one, is the one my heart and soul needed the most. It came at the perfect time and as a friend told me when I was processing it to her, âthe test came before the lesson.â
To set the tone of this lesson: we sat in a model home of what a first-century house would look like. It was dark, obviously because no electricity back then, the only light coming in through the door and window. The living space was small and cramped, they didnât have foyers, living rooms, dining rooms, multiple bedrooms, etc in the first century. The walls were made of rock stacked together, the roof made of branches and mud, the floor was not carpeted or tiled but rather of dirt. There werenât comfy couches and flat screen TVs in every corner. It truly felt as if we were experiencing the stories of the Bible in that moment as we could literally visualize what it would have been like. As 59 of us sat in this house we begin to read Mark 2, the story of the paralytic man being lowered in through the roof by his friends to see Jesus.
In this story, when Jesus sees the faith of the paralytic manâs friends, he tells the paralytic man that his âsins have been forgiven.â This story struck me in a way that I had never experienced before. Cue the ugly cry while we are sitting inside this house, good thing it was dark. My eyes were opened to the importance of community and how much I struggle to let the community be what it is meant to be. One of the things that Matt said to us and will stick with me for the rest of my days is âSometimes, the faith of your friends can do more to bring you to Jesus than your own faith can.â In Hebrew, this is Havurah, which means companions/friends willing to carry you to Jesus. It wasnât because of the faith of the paralytic man that healed him and redeemed him, it was the faith of his friends. As obviously, he had no way to get himself to Jesus, nor do we see that he asked his friends to take him to Jesus, but his friends literally ripped away at the roof, causing chaos and ruckus for their friend to get to Jesus inside a packed house.
So often I am worried about being a burden to others that I choose to walk through difficult times by myself. I don't like asking for help because I don't like being an inconvenience to those around me. When I choose to walk through things alone and carry the burdens by myself, it is both prideful and stupid. A community IS important, burdens are NOT meant to be carried alone. When our faith is lacking, the faith of our friends do more for us than we know to bring us to Jesus. The community is meant to carry one another's burdens. I need the community, who will speak truth into me when I have a hard time seeing it and believing it. To be my Havurah, I just have to let them be.
Today we started our morning off on a boat on the Sea of Galilee, then went to Tel Jezreel (one of the most important crossroads of the world at that time), then to the Spring of Harod (this is where God commands Gideon to narrow his armies), then to Beth She'an (a Grecko Roman city that was destroyed in 7 seconds by a massive earthquake in 749 AD), and finally, ended the day at Susita/Hippos (the place where this picture was taken). Susita is likely the city that Jesus was talking about when He talks about a city on a hill. While at this site, we learned about the man possessed with the legion of demons. Jesus cast out the demons into 2,000 pigs, which then run into the Sea of Galilee. At the end of the story, the people asked Jesus to leave because they are afraid of what He will do to their city. The man whom He had just performed the miracle asked to join Him on the journey but Jesus tells him to go back to his country and tell them what the Lord has done. Because of this one man's faithfulness to tell his story, the entire Pagan city of Susita was transformed. We stood inside one of the four Christian churches that was built in the city and were challenged on this: "How are we allowing God to use our stories to further His Kingdom? Where is He leading us to be a light for Him in the darkness?" As weird as it is to say, I hope for a boldness like the demon-possessed man. To speak on how the Lord has transformed my life with those I'm around and those whom He has called me to minister to. Our stories of life-transformation in Christ are nothing to be ashamed of! #forgeisrael #isthisrael (at Hippos)