love and desire, sotto voce

love, loss, crushes, and rejection told through the eyes of a budding musician

[amorousanacrusis]

i dream

i dream that one day i will wake up enveloped in someones arms

i dream of feeling the warmth of a lover’s skin against my own

i dream of being woken up a gentle kiss on the forehead

i dream of the safety guaranteed by a tender embrace

i dream of two souls becoming forever intertwined

i dream, but i eventually awaken

to the empty space between me and the world

to cold, stale air

to the sounds of the city outside

the vulnerability of being alone

and the echoes of my soul longing listlessly for another

but nonetheless; i dream

[lovvvender]

me when the book has a vile, morally reprehensible protagonist and/or an insanely unreliable narrator who's prolly making shit up

[dumblr]

if someone is flirting with me i need them to literally say "i'm flirting with you" or else i'm just like wow they're nice.

[amorousanacrusis]

jazz is like a painting

rhythms are like brush strokes of sound

the careful, methodical progression of chords are like figures placed in a scene

melodies flow like a river

the sound of the kit punctuates the piece like carefully placed highlights

jazz is like an abstract work

jazz means something different to everyone who takes the time to hear it

to hear what its trying to say

piano is the sonic form of melancholy

there is a yearning that clings to every note

the bass joins the mournful choir, haunting the space with its somber movement

it acts as the pallbearer of affect

and percussion harkens back to ages of war

serving to announce the decedent

to give a proper adieu

[amorousanacrusis]

2/27/26

dazzle them

dazzle them with your melodies

mesmerize with your songs

just the same way you dazzled me.

with that subtle tilt of your head

the way you contort yourself just to get closer to the keys

the way you sing the melodies as they spring forth from your hands

the way you smile when you know in your heart that this life, this career, this society was always the right choice

woo them

woo then with your confidence

the confidence that lets you lead the room

woo them

dazzle them

ensnare them

tantalize them

just the same way you did me

[amorousanacrusis]

1/15/26

words fail to describe how upset you make me

when i catch a glimpse of you,

i become physically ill.

my stomach turns.

my hands get clammy.

my temperature rises.

my ability to speak and compose my self completely disappears.

i’m sick in every sense of the word.

but no doctor could tell me what i’m suffering from.

there is no miracle cure for my disorder.

the prognosis is grim,

at this stage, i might not survive the night.

[amorousanacrusis]

1/15/26

oh how i have come to loathe you.

you who i claimed to love

i feel as though the rose-tinted lenses of blind yearning have finally shattered into a million pieces.

i see you for what you really are

i see you as a womanizer

i see you as the dirty, mangy dog that you are

i used to think you were some perfect, prized show dog.

now i hope that you never win another title.

but still, i feel myself enchanted by you when you speak.

you greet me like an excited puppy,

as if i don’t already know that you’re rabid.

sometimes i feel like i’m an old family dog

i wish someone would see the terminal pain and anguish i’m in and finally put me out of my misery

quickly,

effectively

with more humanity then any man could ever give

[amorousanacrusis]

sometimes i wish you would stop moving just so i could get a better look at you.

when i see your umber eyes meet mine, my brain explodes into a million fractals.

shards of sound, emotion, and feeling fly through my mind like shrapnel.

when we talk, when we laugh, i somehow feel everything and nothing at all.

How is it that one inconsequential look soothes every ache in my body, every knot in my chest.

maybe his eyes are magical.

perhaps my heart was in need of magic.

[amorousanacrusis]

1/10/26

i should have known better

he was far too handsome for such an ugly girl

he was much too skilled for such a lowly amateur

he was much too sweet for someone so relentlessly bitter

he was much too smart for someone so blissfully dumb

he was much too loose for a girl so tightly wound

he was much too flirtatious for a girl so closed off

i should have known better

[amorousanacrusis]

there is no pain quite like the pain that young men inflict.

i’m already bleeding enough,

so why must you twist the knife

piercing the flesh of my very being?

why show me the weapons you covet,

if your plan is just to use them against me?

why is it that every time i feel that i’m right or that i’m safew

reality decides to beat me til i’m black and blue

it feels like life is kicking me in the ribs and getting an immense satisfaction from it

[amorousanacrusis]

1/9/26

i hope that when you hear the dulcet tones of a saxophone,

in a bar that reeks of cigarette smoke and malt liquor,

that it never makes you think of me.

i hope that when you hear an alto voice,

from the singer you hired for your wedding,

that her voice doesn’t remind you of mine.

i hope that when you see a young, tall, androgynous woman in the street,

you forget the girl that she reminds you of.

but most of all,

i hope we ultimately forget the other ever existed.

[amorousanacrusis]

1/9/26

i’m pretty sure you just gave your phone number to a waitress.

all i want to say is that i’m sorry.

i’m sorry that i’m too much.

i’m sorry that i’m not good enough.

i’m sorry that i’m not pretty enough.

i hope to never again speak your name

i hope to never again look you in the eyes

i hope you never ever find out just how much i loved you.

[amorousanacrusis]

why?

(1/4/26)

why must you glance at me?

why bother to look when there is nothing to see?

why do you walk with me,

why allow it if you can manage on your own?

why do you tell me things,

when your cup of friendship is already overflowing.

why do you dare touch me?

why me when there are hundreds more deserving?

every look, every conversation, every interaction.

every little thing makes me wonder,

why?

[amorousanacrusis]

1/4/26

i think all men lose their sense of whimsy before they turn twenty.

boyish, grown-out hair becomes a clean cut coated in perfumed pomade

the dainty glasses that once framed their darling faces become square frames, adding angles and contrast where none were needed

every man seems to trade in their perfectly fitting jeans and cable knit sweaters for sweatshirts and cargos eventually

don’t they know how to love themselves?

how to defend their masculinity? how to grow up and stay genuine?

perhaps they will never know.

[amorousanacrusis]

12/30/25

i wish i could stop thinking about you,

but you linger like the anxious knot burning a hole through my chest.

you haunt me like my innumerable adolescent mistakes.

you are on my mind even more than all of my creeping deadlines.

you fester in my thoughts like the expiring calabrese in my mini fridge

you are impossible to purge from my synapses…

and for all these things, i fear i have come to loathe you

[amorousanacrusis]

12/29/25

what happened to the way things were?

before blocking and breakups, before loathing and shake-ups

i long for a time where sides weren’t chosen because there was only one

is this the cost of friendship? the tragic pitfalls of social life?

maybe if we were happier.

maybe if we set aside our differences.

maybe if the world turns upside down

things could go back to the way they were.