meruru banging out the tunes. april 13 2006

Click Here // personal ? Of ortegandrade all this stuff is so dated im keeping it here as a punishment for my stupid self

[amoujune]

[amoujune]

hibiki: CONFOUND THOSE IDOL GIRLS! OH HOW I HATE THEM! I HATE MIREI! I HATE AJIMI! AND I HATE LAALA! THEY DRIVE ME TO DRINK!

[amoujune]

yuck. period and depression is not a good combo

[amoujune]

eck

this happens every holidays i always fall into the weirdest depression slumps

like. i cant stop stalling and procrastinating, im so sluggish and tired, its hard for me to get out of bed until like 2 hours after i wake up, i cant eat even. which is the weirdest part because normally i cant stop eating

like... i would go to therapy but i dont know how lol. its my senior year i need to like. idk. feel alive again

listening to gfc and how the guests always have depression helps lol. it really helps explain why i feel the way i do, i just dont feel real anymore

i bottle so much shit inside and explode and want to kill myself. its a cycle, every few months i just explode and hurt everyone and in the end i have no one else to blame for me being.... alone like this. i want to be alone. i dont want to hurt anyone ever again. but i cant stop. augh.

maybe i should go. theres always a decision i have to make lol, do i kill myself or do i just get better? and i never really go through with either one

what am i going to do with my life? i really did plan that i was just going to kill myself at 18, after school. but i guess its either do or die... well... both die. i guess? i dont know. i dont think i feel that bad, as i was back then but im certainly not getting better.

my dads taking me to the movies, yaaay, theyre all pretty shitty movie choices anyway i might take a nap.

ive been wanting my parents a lot lately. i guess i just need unconditional love the most lol.. im too old for this.

im not happy, i havent been happy all year... hell, way longer than that.

maybe its cus im not doing shit with my life. i feel like i cant do anything anymore.

depression!! what a shocker.

i really need to stop posting shit here, no one’s reading this. i just cant bring it in me to.... talk to anyone. or get help.

i will soon, i need to follow my own advice. get some friends, eat again, be with family. i have a good world. its because its so good i feel that whenever i have a problem its not worth anything to try and ruin it and burden other people. but im also a bitch.

i have a doughnut i need to eat. and work to do.

[amoujune]

its crazy 2 years of my life felt like it revolved around you and suddenly it's gone and nobody knows? i haven't told anybody anything for 2 years now until a week ago is this missing someone because i don't want you back i dont, and you absolutely dont i just feel empty a little i don't know how i feel actually i almost cried in front of my sister that was weird i thought i couldn't cry anymore its already 12, im a hungry boy and i need my Food

[amoujune]

i wish i could be loved that… its hard to ever believe that was love i know its hard but that can’t be it it can’t be…… if it was then… how sad…. how horrifying….

oh go to sleep you, its 2 am and your bladders empty

[amoujune]

more than anything i feel like i need to pee real real real bad like constantly but i dont? please don't let this get on any watersports blog

[amoujune]

i felt ignored and smothered all at the same time trapped yet untethered to anything i felt ignored and i couldn’t say anything i couldn’t say anything i couldn’t say anything

but that was me

and i hurt you and became something i didn’t think i could be, i didn’t think i could hurt someone so deep to the core like that…. was that me? i never thought i was capable of being such a monster……

well. awkward. i don’t know how to end this on a joke. something something monster fucking? nice.

[amoujune]

i don't ever want to feel the same way i felt with you again i was horrible, terrible, unbelievably cruel and just the worst me possible and you saw all of that and that's horrifying i was a monster i am a monster am i real

[amoujune]

i guess i wanted to hear "u were right" too but you can't have Everything *drives off in my pickup truck*

[amoujune]

MY COUSIN LITERALLY JUST FOUND OUT WHATS GOING ON LMAOOOO bless her heart i cant wait to visit her again lol +1 string i have attached to the world awwww isn't that a cute visual, i love that

[amoujune]

i wished anyone cared about my art. im just deleting stuff and i realised noone had ever cared or will care.

no one cares about these worlds i created in my mind, too busy ignoring reality.

even you didnt. hell, you actively ignored it

now im feeling a little pissed off at how much you actively ignored my sketches, certainly they werent good but Harumph!! (and i know you saw them!! my little heart is breaking, ouch ouch ouch…)

though, it certainly wasnt nice of me to ignore yours back in some sort of revenge. that wasnt very cute of me at all. I stilled loved it after all, but it only fueled this ... confusion in my head

rage certainly fills the hurt in my heart lol. but it wont do anything. no its my fault. i need to realise im alive first. that im not above or below this.

its so hard. it feels like ive been floating for years now. how do i stop floating, how can i ground myself again. how can i stop floating

perhaps not listening to weirdly alien songs will help? too many youtube tabs, so little care,

[amoujune]

theres a part of me that realises this blog is the only impact ive ever left on this world. i could die tomorrow and this will be the only thing that i have ever, ever, ever done in my entire life.

ive never created something i could ever be proud of.huh.

if i died, would anyone read this. would certainly be embarrassing now wouldnt it. i wish i could be one of those creepy internet stories, where you go through inactive blogs and see the last post be something ominous and you pray the person is alright but theres always that thought that theyre probably dead.

wouldnt that be cute. ill keep it a plan b

[amoujune]

theres a part of me that wishes someone is reading this, ive been feeling this since the time i started this blog when i was uh… 13? 14?

i dont know why.

i had that, someone who was willing to listen to me. and i shouted and yelled at them for 2 years straight. boy oh boy, am i a fuck up.

welp… little ghost i want to be haunting me, i hope youre having fun watching me. no, you dont exist but certainly i wish you did. isnt that nice, someone who knows me. did anyone ever know me? i have a vent blog where i bitch in the absolute most animalistic way, but is that knowing someone?

aw…. for some reason ive gotten attached to that idea. a little ghost thats been haunting me and reading my posts. thats so cute… a little ghost that knows about the stuff i post, the stuff i dont, the stuff i forget and the stuff ill always remember. i hope youre not the ring creepy but ill take whatever at this point.

no, she’s a little cute…. ive… seen quite a lot of porn based off her.. so im kinda hoping you arent looking like that.

or do i? 🤔

[amoujune]

i certainly do hurt alot for a bitch who thinks they dont need anyone.

you are born alone, you live alone and you die alone.

so catch me behind the hungry jacks stuffed into the dumpster within an inch of my life and dont be afraid to slam it shut on me!

[amoujune]

heartbreak doesnt feel very good lol… oh well, ive been saying ive been wanting this for so long and now that is finally happens i feel? lost? empty?

these past few days have been a lot. i throw away everyone out of anger and now that it finally happens to me it hurts, but thats karma babe. no wonder the only people that put up with me shit have been family, its hard to love someone like… me. lol. little emotionally constipated me.

i didnt realise how much id… truly miss you. you were too good for me truly, ive been nothing but a cheap stain on your life. nothing but making people hate you, i swear all your friends have been right for wanting me gone since day 1 and truly i should have listened more… they were right, they always were.

i need to stop lying to myself. to stop pushing people away when everything doesnt go how exactly i want it, wanting relationships and friends when i know that i honest to god dont have the emotional capacity for that. how old am i now. 17? i havent had a real friendship since i was 15, younger maybe even. and i just broke my last real connection now.

but it was for the best, it wasnt making Anyone happy. certainly not me, absolutely not you. what kind of relationship is the one where both parties vent to people and not to each other unless it turns into a full on shouting contest where im the only speaking party.

i need to fix that.

i need to fix me. god, but who am i really.

who knew my senior year would bring so much stress lol…

and youre not reading this, i dont expect you ever will! and thats alright! thats more than fine, hell, i would love that. im sorry if you are.

dont feel sorry for me in the slightest, youre too nice of a person and i know you will. so please dont. im a mess, a real hot mess and i dont deserve someone as empathetic and hardworking as you. dear god the thought of you meeting someone as kind as you are fills me so so much more joy than if you ever came back to me, crawling on the floor eating trash and making you unhappy.

crazy my first relationship lasted so long in the first place, i seriously dont think im meant for this. will i ever be?

…probably not. eh.

is this a vent? i promised myself id stop venting..

lol… i wonder if people who knew about this blog care enough to check up on me from time to time..

doubt it.

ive been nothing but a brat to everyone ive ever known.

everything e said about me was right, i…. actually dont remember what she said, nor do i have the logs, but i feel whatever insult was given to me sounds correct. i am an unreliable, undeniable bitch to the very core and its probably my fate to be alone, god would that be for the best.

i want my puppies.

ill sleep with oj tonight. his smell will bring me happiness

and hopefully stop the hurt in my heart ive been feeling for who knows how long now.

does it ever stop?

jeez me, stop trying to be some poetic bitch, we all know youre gonna watch some dumb gachimuchi video and laugh like a complete hog in around 2 hours.

[amoujune]

oh my god my life knows peace. really does feel like everyone is happier, lord knows how long people have wanted me gone lol. i wasn't real productive this day but i feel like i could. relax. like really really relax and think. my life is so busy and wonderful in its own way i need to put down my phone and really realise this. also... at least now my data won't kill itself with me using it all the time lol.