It’s been exactly 2 months since you left but it feels like it was just yesterday… I thought I could write about you when I was at the height of my emotions because I do not want to forget how it felt but I was not able to.. I can’t bring myself to type anything.. I just cry out to The Lord daily..hoping he could send my messages to you.. I don’t know how to feel. All I know is there is now a void that no one else can fill. We weren’t the closest when I grew older.. We didn’t get to talk so much as I grew older.. or even had video calls when I moved here, thousand miles from home and from where you are.. I knew you to be strict and stern but also, caring, loving and generous.
My heart is filled with emptiness, now that you are gone. I can’t explain. This is probably the saddest thing I ever felt in my life..but also, eye-opening.. In a sense that my perspective in life changed. I will talk about that another time because I want to dedicate this day to you..
Last night, we were watching this drama and the last episode made me fondly remember you..the father was diagnosed with cancer and had a few months to live.. His family was saddened and his kids remembered all the times they hurt him.. Crying and regretting.. That they still want to do something for him but it seems to be too late.. It was exactly how it felt the morning I received the message that you are gone.. I was struck, sad, hurt, full of regret and all the things I can’t explain.
People grow old and I know eventually we will all meet our Creator.. I never have thought you it would happen so soon with you.. September 2024 was when we heard the news about your sickness and that time, it didn’t feel real.. I remember being on the phone with my sister for hours talking about you.. What could happen.. Who will take care of you… I honestly thought of flying there to take care of you but it was too impossible for me because my job was the only thing that sustains us and it will be really hard if I leave abruptly.. My circumstances didn’t allow me.. And I’m so sorry.. Because looking back, I should have applied for that visa.. I should have booked a ticket to Melbourne, to see you, take care of you even for a short time.. To embrace and tell you things.. Things that I won’t get to do now..
You only wanted the best for me.. For me and my sister.. For my cousins you also sent to good schools.. I’d like to believe we are all doing just fine now.. Probably not how you envisioned our individual successes to be, but blessed enough to be living life simply.
When I think about you, I am transported to my childhood and teenage years.. The times when we go to church on Sundays at Greenbelt, eat breakfast at McDonalds when it was too early, go to Glorietta after that and eat at Sbarro, sometimes watch a movie too, and go to Landmark or SM store to buy something or do groceries. When we got home, you would ask to buy merienda which was either pandesal and pancit or pandesal with liver spread and coke. Oh, the simple times.
I know that as I grew older, I grew apart.. It hurts to think about it now. I was foolish to think I knew life better and I ended up experiencing the worst you don’t know about because of my life decisions. I am so sorry for the times I hurt you, disobeyed you and disrespected you. Sorry for not listening to you when I should have.
I remember when I was in my senior year in highschool, you accompanied me to take college entrance exams at two of the most prestigious universities in Manila and at that time, I already knew I wouldn’t make it because only top students make it there.. Still, you somehow had faith in me..If I could rewind my academic days, I really would have done everything to study harder, have good grades and planned my path meticulously.. Like you. I’m so sorry.. :(
If I could turn back time, I would want to make you proud.
I miss you so much. I know you where you are right now is the most perfect place to be, beside our Creator, with our Lord Jesus Christ.
I dream of the day we can see each other again, in His perfect kingdom where there will be no more sadness, no more tears, no more sickness, and no more death.
I love you and each day, I’ll live honoring your memory. The most selfless, generous and caring father on earth one can ever ask for.