10.10.2022
I am currently a post grad and have been having a hard time finding a job, dealing with identity issues, existential crises, etc. Due to my depressed state and mood, my appetite has shrunken so much—the weight is falling off in a way that I’ve never experienced.
I’m eating everyday but my portions are so much smaller and I think I’m unintentionally eating in a constant calorie deficit. Because of this, I think in the span of about a month(?) I’ve lost 10 pounds as of today. I don’t remember the last time I was this weight (probably in middle school haha). The sense of accomplishment I feel is insane but at the same time, I feel like not much has changed. I’m not sure what I expected, but my body still feels like mine. I don’t necessarily feel fragile or dainty like I thought I would. I notice that my bones are protruding more on my hips, ribs, etc. but I still feel like I’m me. In fact my self concept and feelings of fatness, ugliness, and unworthiness still persist. My overall confidence is a bit better, but losing weight hasn’t solved my self esteem issues like I originally thought it would.
I’ve been down the hole of having lost weight and then gaining it all back and so much more—so I find myself in a state of enjoying my changed body but trying to savor every moment out of fear that in the blink of an eye, it’ll be gone. I wonder to what extent I’ll continue to lose weight and at what point will this fantasy end?
