In a Heartbeat
Pairing: Hirugami Sachiro x reader
Warnings: Angst, Comfort, a few spoilers in his past.
Note: My mind is very jumbled when I wrote this but I hope you all still can understand. This is part 2 of my "The Consequences of my Ignorance" but in Hirugami's Perspective. Hope you enjoy it!
_____________________________
It was late evening during our time in Tokyo for a National Tournament held in March.
The night I went outside to take fresh air, because the pressure of winning started to overwhelm me even though I am not the one playing in the court.
It was the time I realized how truly suffocating volleyball is.
That thought was immediately cut off when my eyes caught a silhouette of a woman sitting at the entryway of the stadium.
I looked around and noticed she was alone, wearing a familiar uniform of Inarizaki Highschool.
The closer I walked to her, I heard the faint sound of kittens that made me finally notice a litter of it around her.
I took one when it approached me and in a second, she looked behind her that connected our gazes at each other.
"Good Evening, do you mind If I join you?" I smiled at her so she nodded that made me sit beside her and finally realized she is feeding a smaller kitten compared to the few I saw.
We sat in silence as I played with the other kittens.
"You're one of Kamomedai's middle blockers" I was about to start a conversation when she suddenly spoke up first.
"Yes, I guess you're one of the Inarizaki supporters. They have a match right now" I informed her while I look down at a kitten that playfully bit my thumb.
"They can handle that"
I looked at her who was gently putting a kitten to sleep while covering it with her jacket.
It was an adorable sight to see.
"You seem to be fond of cats" I decided to change the topic when I realized that talking about volleyball is something she doesn't want to talk about.
And I am glad.
"Yes, so badly that I wanted to study at Nekoma" she took another kitten to feed when the previous one finally fell asleep.
"Then why didn't you?"
I saw a flash of sadness in her eyes as she made a new bottle of milk for the kitten.
"Because I don't want to be lonely"
She chose to look at me as she gave me a light hearted smile.
"Playing volleyball seems nice isn't it? It's a sport where you know you will have someone. You will never get lonely" she said, followed by a sigh.
"Yet I can't fall in love with the sport" she looks ahead of us as I didn't remove my gaze on her side view.
It seems like she has something in mind that she wants to let out.
With a buzzing stadium filled with excitement and happiness. A peaceful air where you can state your worry is something I didn't ask for but my mind badly needed it.
"I don't understand why anyone would put their hearts and mind in a sport that can make you question your worth, make you feel not good enough at all." She stated as I heard the kitten she is taking care of, purr in content as she continues caressing the little animal.
"With thought in mind, I wonder if everyone who plays volleyball really loves it or just plays the sport because that's where they are talented. That's where they are gifted." She continued speaking her thoughts out that made me lift a small smile.
With just one encounter, she expressed herself to a complete stranger.
"Why did Hirugami start playing volleyball? Is it because you need to be like your family? Or is it because you really love the sport like they do? Is it for self-validation or passion? Those are the thoughts that I heard from other people" I chuckled when I heard her talk about my life.
Questions where I already have my answers. The view of others is not technically wrong.
I played volleyball because that's where my family is good at, because I was gifted with the talent that I can use in the sport.
It was to prove to myself that I am worthy to be part of that successful family. A talent that can prove I am indeed a Hirugami.
Yet those questions reminded me of how cruel I was with myself before.
It was me who pressured myself back then.
"I don't love volleyball. With that sentence, I'm sure those three questions are already answered" I saw how her hands stop caressing the kitten who seems to be dozing off already.
"Do you hate volleyball?"
"Not really. But I don't love it like those said prodigies" I told her as I removed my jacket to make a nest for the kittens that are already starting to sleep.
"Let me take them" I cut the topic about volleyball as I gently took the sleeping ones to the nest so she can move easily without waking them up.
I never saw someone this gentle with animals.
And I know how soft I can get for those types of people.
"So you are playing to be with them?" It seemed like a question but we both knew that we were aware of the answer to it.
"Yes, if a person doesn't love volleyball, there can be another reason like friends and hobbies. You don't always need to love it for you to do it" I look at the litter of sleeping kittens that warmed my heart a little.
I love animals the most. And seeing her take care of them with great care and gentleness, made an unknown emotion stirred in my heart.
It was the moment I started to admire her.
"If you don't love volleyball, why did you travel all the way to Hyogo just to support them? When I feel like you know they will win?" It was time to know her.
And I was thankful I questioned her.
"My boyfriend is playing, that's why"
Thankful because I already knew the answer if I tried to get a closer bond with her.
It was a reminder to never hope anymore. That I can only have this woman as a friend.
Nothing more than that.
"Then why are you not there?" Questions continue to appear in my mind and it seems like my second question brought back the sad gaze I first saw in her eyes.
"Because my presence wouldn't change anything. I don't see any worth watching him play"
"But that's your boyfriend"
"And? I don't need to always support him" she cut me off immediately that made me press my lips to a line.
I don't want to push her to her limits.
It can be a reason why she wants to be alone outside the stadium to think her mind through it.
"Since he was never there for me anyway"
Like a challenge she can't get over with.
"I tried to be a better partner so he can give me the attention I need. But no matter how hard I tried, it will just be a temporary feeling of admiration." She continued as I saw how her eyes started to get glossy under the moonlight.
"The feeling of everyone's pity gazes scared me. Because my nightmare became a reality" she chuckled as she look away to not show how a tear fell on her eyes.
"It feels like everyone got tired of me"
"Because of his actions, my mind became my own enemy. I started to hate myself, push myself to my limits just so I can catch up with him" she breathlessly muttered before she laid on the concrete floor beside the place where I put my jacket with sleeping kittens on it.
My eyes followed her movement as she gaze at sky above us.
"But thinking right now, it feels like it was alright to be lonely. The time where I feel like I can finally understand the world around me."
"The time where I comforted myself because no one is there to do it for me. That even I expressed the pain in the presence of a stranger" she lifted a small smile.
"It was stupid but refreshing"
It was the moment that made me feel miserable. Because no one came to her life just to save her.
One of the moments where I became thankful that Korai chose to approach me when I reached my breaking point.
If it weren't for him lending his presence to talk to me, I wouldn't have made it.
He unknowingly became the person who help me get through it when I feel like I am drowning.
When I already started break, he is the one who rescued me.
"I berated myself because I thought I failed in volleyball." That made me want to open myself like she did.
Because she chose to trust me.
There were no underlying intention about it, I just simply want to help her get through it like I did.
If I am saved, why can't she?
"Until he arrive to my life and gave me a choice whether to stay or leave. Because no matter what I chose, myself is the most important thing"
Our gaze met again and I felt how my heart warmed with the thought of how we look right now.
Of how we interact right now.
"If you're tired, you can rest. If you don't want to stay, you can leave. You don't always need to adjust for the sake of others" I told her as I lent her my scarf when I noticed how her lips started to tremble.
"Hearing your thoughts, you are really tired of trying to understand the world around you. Creating more complicated decisions for you to choose."
Being alone is the only way where she can clear her thoughts.
With animals around her, they unknowingly became her home.
And it was a sight I don't want to see when I look at her.
"You know, taking a break is not wrong. Because if you didn't, the more you move forward with your situation right now, sooner or later, you will break too and it would be harder to pull through"
"Choosing to cherish yourself is better than losing who you are for somebody else" I move closer to her until I am beside her.
"Don't you think?" I suddenly felt her body close to mine as I felt her tears fall on my shoulder that made my eyes glossy too.
"We would be strangers after this. So feel free to let yourself out."
Because I would sure stay to hear you out.
It was wrong. Letting her seek comfort with another man when she is in a relationship.
But at this time, no one is willing to listen other than me, a person who doesn't know the things she is getting through.
It's for the better, because after this, we would be strangers. Strangers who are aware of the past we have gone through.
We were strangers who went through the same thing.
And that made my heart feel closer to hers.
That I hope there will be more memories of us after this night.
Because I started to want to be beside her. Just so she can have a person to run to.
Even if it feels wrong with our status.
Time passed by and I found her sleeping on my shoulder that lifted a small smile on my lips.
"Oi Hirugami" Followed by my friend's voice that made me look behind us and saw my team, especially the bewilderment look in Korai's face.
"You-" our captain immediately put his hand over my loud friend's mouth before he woke up the woman peacefully sleeping on me.
"Would you go back to the hotel with us?" The captain asked, that made me chuckle and shook my head.
"We'll head first then, call us when you arrive at the lobby"
I nod before he push my friend who was still processing the scene before throwing a look at me that made me playfully wink at him.
I don't want this moment to end yet. But moments like this tend to be shorter than how I wanted.
I gently shake the woman that made her stirred awake.
"Let's go back to your hotel now. You might get sick the longer we stay here" she nod in her drowsy state before I slowly put the kittens in my back as she fixed her hair.
She chose to walk towards her hotel, as I observed how she tried to stay warm in her clothing that put a smile on my lips.
We stop by in a shop for a while to buy a basket for the kittens to sleep in. Yet she stepped outside with a warm coffee in hand.
She silently gave me the cups before gently transferring the kitten from my bag to the basket she bought, where she already placed a soft cloth.
The longer I watched her be gentle to other creatures, the more I felt these forbidden feelings turned bigger.
Liking her is not hard at all.
And I silently yearn for our next meeting when she finally disappears from my sight after giving me a thankful smile.
I arrived back at the hotel our team was staying at with a coffee in hand.
The moment I entered the room, the team sitting in the living room was the one that greeted me with a mumbling Korai who seemed to be cursing me under his breath.
"Who was that?" He asked me immediately as I removed my jacket before taking a sip of coffee.
She has great taste.
"I didn't get her name"
"What?" He seemed to get more irritated at my answer that made me shrug my shoulder before taking a seat in the last seat in the room.
"Having a moment under the moon it's closer to romantic. I doubt you don't know her" a senior of mine teased that made me chuckle at him.
"We are really strangers. I approached her because she is taking care of some kittens"
"Typical Hirugami"
"One way to Hirugami's heart is through animals" they joked but I know that she really took my heart with her.
Because of that one encounter, I fell in love with her.
No matter how forbidden it feels like.
I closed my eyes when my mind started getting worked up again.
After this, she will want to act like nothing happened between the two of us, like we didn't open our past to each other.
And I would gladly oblige even though I'm against it.
But my heart chose to look for her in the audience, my eyes lingering longer than they should be.
Until looking for her started to become my habit. And my heart will feel warmed when my eyes meet hers.
If she can be mine, I would never feel so lost than before.
Because of her, I started to question myself again. Maybe it was fate that she stole my heart.
It made me hope that our encounters have something to bring in my life.
Even a slight sign that she will become someone to my life, instead of just entering my mind.
I gave a smile before she looked away.
Strangers...
I need to always remind myself what I need to think of her. A word that tells me to not go further.
An encounter that shouldn't be focused on.
But I can't promise myself that.
Especially when her break up with Inarizaki's setter reaches my ears.
It comforted my heart knowing she began to choose herself. But I know I seriously need to give the space she needs so she can move on.
So I prevent myself from looking for her. Until her ex confronted me in the middle of the match.
"I lost to you again and I hate it"
Then I began to realize that she somehow mentioned me. No wonder he started to target me and my feet finally got injured because I couldn't keep up on the pressure he was giving me.
"How annoying" Korai clicked his tongue as I hissed when the manager put pressure on my sprain.
It happened when I landed on a bad footing after receiving his supposed to be jump float serve yet turn it into a jump serve.
I was lucky to not get myself injured but it threw me off guard.
And it sucked that she was the reason that made this happen.
If Atsumu only know that my love for his ex is one-sided. He might have lessen his jealousy to me.
I sighed to calm myself down when my team decided to bench me out which what Korai hated but he knew that if I keep playing, it will be worse than now.
"Goodluck" I wave off the incident knowing the man is going through something.
Targeting in a sport is normal. I can't even avoid it.
I watched my team lose against Inarizaki that stirred a feeling within me but I know this is destiny.
Since he is the one who ended up crying even though they won.
So it's 50-50 I guess.
"Let's go back here in Spring interhigh" I told them when they approached me on the sidelines with some who have glossy eyes.
I knew how big my role was in the team.
I already know the outcome if I ever get injured.
But right now, we need to accept the loss.
I watched my team eat in the restaurant until I felt something nudging my injured ankle that made me look below the table and saw a familiar kitten I took care of with her.
I took the small feline and my eyes immediately looked for her figure and saw she was already looking at me from the corner.
I excused myself from the team before I headed towards her table and stopped beside it.
"Would you mind me joining you?"
She hummed so I decided to sit in front of her and my attention went to the kittens snuggling in the basket.
"Are you planning to keep them?" I started the conversation as she took a sip of her drink before looking over at the kittens.
"Maybe..." She muttered before leaning on her seat that made me focus my attention on her.
"What is it?" I went straight to the point and sent a smile in her direction. I noticed a small faint blush in her cheeks that made my smile bigger.
"You don't need to apologize for something you didn't do" I cut her off when she seems like she is going to apologize for the things that happened a while ago in the match.
Her face turned sullen and made me smile when I read her mind.
"It was my fault for mentioning your name. I shouldn't have said that to him" she looked down on embarrassment as I nod.
But I think it's better to mention that to him. Because an untold story can be viewed differently if it weren't revealed immediately.
"It's fine"
"But he injured you" she muttered before slapping a hand on her forehead.
"It's normal in a match. We shouldn't blame anyone for it"
I don't want to blame herself again for a slight moment of losing control over their emotions.
I took a hold of her hand over the table that made her look up to me.
"It's alright. Don't hate yourself because I won't forgive you for that" I squeezed her hands that made her nod before I let go and started playing with the cats.
"What's your name? I never got to ask you" I ask her as the kitten I'm holding my head on my cheek.
"Y/n" she whispered that lifted a small smile on my lips.
"This made us acquaintances, right?"
Even if I need to start slowly. Even if I need to start at the very beginning. I'm willing.
Because it was for her.
I don't want to lose her like he did. I wanted her more than anybody did.
I would never meet someone like her who made me fall in love at first sight that I once thought never existed.
But because of her, I'm willing to give effort to the emotions called 'love'.
I did everything just to keep in contact with her, even at a far distance.
Even creating a schedule on when I can disturb her just so we won't lose touch with each other.
It was easier when she chose to spend time with me so she could move on. At least even in call, the presence still help her feel like she was not alone.
Even if we need to go through the phase of friendship. Even if it take two years maximum, I'll do my best so she can learn to love me too.
Despite of her fear on love because of her first time, I'm willing to repeat the same words all over again.
Willing to travel the country with just one call. Willing to do something I haven't done before because she loves it.
Even if I start at the beginning, I'll make sure our ending is the one I wanted.
The last day of my first year in Spring interhigh.
Is the beginning of my story...
Where I met my first love
