So I consulted to a psychologist #1
Around 2016-2017, my friends on game group are... suicidal. And I, as a positive person always ends up being someone who comforts them. Who gives them solution, motivation, etc you know la. I, that time, wondered why these kids are so suicidal at young age? They haven’t even know, and experienced adulthood desperation yet.
That was a big question mark in my mind.
Until someday -- I forgot when-- probably around 2018, I remember sitting alone outside my sharehouse room past midnight. I didn’t remember what I was thinking, probably I was so down, I don’t know. That was the first time I feel suicidal. Whoa, is this because of my environment?
No, totally no. Even I still have a leap of faith myself, that I won’t do that kind of suicide thing. I know it’s wrong. But I’m not really afraid to do that.
All I can remember is me being so clueless about my life, probably because I was insecure that my friends are doing well, doing better than me? And I only can imagine that lavish life. Then I thought that I really have nothing; I don’t have lovers nor someone I love, I don’t really love my family, the only thing that keep me going was my late father, but even if I lose this life it doesn’t matter to me.
But of course that thought was just a passing random thoughts, I mean of course sometimes you feel insecure or jealous when seeing others live a more successful life than you (moreover when actually you have better grades and experiences), but it’s more about.. luck and fate, no? I believe that I won’t live like this forever. I still believe in the great scenario of God.
And so I still live my life positively then.
The second time I feel so suicidal, so worthless, was ealy 2020, when I got really disappointed because of unfair treatment in my ex company.
I literally did so many, I stay up late to finish all the reports, 10pm is too early. during end-of-month closing it’s usually 11pm, we even did stay up to 12pm? I forgot. Of course it’s an unpaid overtime. I juggled between two difficult job desc, and still did it well. Could proudly claim myself that I can solve any of your question regarding those pile of reports.
The boss? of course knows nothing about those reports. Not even can explain what it contains, I bet. But what did he do?
Oh he treated me like I was an intern who doesn’t deserve a promotion to become their official employee. Got that kind of treatment from someone who can’t even explain what my job is really hurts my pride. Even until now, and I don’t know until when, I still hate him. He’s that kind of manipulative bitch, speaking as if he was a good leader when he’s even not a jack of all trades.
It made me felt so unappreciated. Even when I did so much...
I work until late night, overtime, backing others up, got all of the reports done with minimum errors... still not appreciated huh... when others who did so little got more appreciation than me. How unpleasant.
The whole world felt crumbling in front of my eyes. Appreciation, is what I always seek. Back then, my father always appreciate his children when they got good grades. But my mom? She never even looks proud of me. Even when got highest national exam grade in my school. When I accepted to the best school in town without any hassle. Always demanding more, didn’t know what I’ve been through to achieve that. Probably it was an accumulation of childhood’s pain.