The Lovebook

The story of us

[anaslovebook]

September 11th

Dearest Anastasia,

We talked quite a bit tonight. I told you exactly how much you mean to me and how much I’ve always wanted you. You said that you feel it sometimes but again it’s a what you say vs what you do. You brought up that you still haven’t forgiven me. At the end of the night you just “couldn’t do it anymore” so you hung up a few times on me. I didn’t want to fight, I just wanted to talk about us.

Love, I’ll say this the kindest way that I can. You need to grow up.

Growing up means taking care of yourself even if you don’t want to. If you cant because of depression or anxiety or bipolar, you need to realize it and get help taking care of yourself. Growing up means realizing the mental issues that you have and taking steps to fix them. I grew up a lot this year, but I know that I also started in a better place than you did.

Growing up also means that you face your problems. You saying that you can’t talk about it is just that, not facing your problems. It means that you can’t face your problems today and you push them off till tomorrow, where they will get worse.

The last piece is your love for me. You may actually think you love me, but it’s the childish kind of love. What you feel is when you were younger. Fleeting, moving from one thing to the next, near obsession levels of this fake love. I don’t actually think you love me. You may love the idea of me, but there is some parts of it that you, and even I, don’t get. You say you love me, you even say you love me unconditionally. I want to believe you, and I think that you also want those things, but you just don’t feel them. I don’t think you did before either, you thought you did but you were just obsessed with me. That’s what you thought love was. When you say you love me but you can’t forgive me? There’s something seriously wrong there.

I sent you something over messenger. Hopefully you realize that my love for you is and always will be unconditional and true.

Yours, forever,

Mitch Stehula

[anaslovebook]

September 9th

Dearest Anastasia,

We are reconcilable. There is nothing about us that isn’t. I still am your person, and you’re mine, which means I would do anything for you. It also means that I have done everything for you.

I want to be here, with you. I understand if you don’t but some things that you’ve shown me say you still do. I want those pieces to shine through and the rest of them will fall away.

I want to be able to take you to concerts. I want to go to our first together. I want to go on walks with you, slow long walks around a nice lake with our Benji. I want to make you dinner and sit and eat with you. I want to show you that I love you, hug and kiss you every day. I want to say it to your face, into your ear. I want to be with you for more than 20 minutes a day. Not just tell you, show you.

I love you dearest.

Yours, Forever,

Mitch Stehula

[anaslovebook]

September 8th

Dearest Anastasia,

I miss you. Not like a best friend says “oh, I miss you, you should come visit soon”. I miss your body next to mine. I miss my soul being intertwined with yours. I miss your hair on my finger tips. I miss your lips on mine, your embrace with me. I miss going places, exploring new and visiting old. I miss our family. In fact, I don’t think I miss you. I long for you in the best and worst way. My heart hurts when we are apart, and all it’s doing is hurting now, but I get so excited when we talk because it hurts less, and I actually can feel something again besides this pain and debilitating weight.

I don’t know if it makes it worse or better, but I still believe in everything. I believe in us being the best thing, when we’re both healthy. I believe in the hope for us. I believe you’re my soul mate and I’m yours. I believe that I can make you happy and you can make me happy. I believe that this life is for us to take on together, no matter the struggles. I believe that you’re my person, and I’m yours. I believe in all 80 years, only for better than what it is now. 

When I say that I’m yours forever, I mean it. I am captured by you, I’m loving you and in love with you every second. When I say I forgive, I forgive everything that you have done or will do, and all that I have done. It’s the only way to get through the day without hating myself too much. When I say I miss you, it’s just like above, I long for you. I don’t think I can only be best friends with you. I need everything, as I have all 9 years. I need my person.

I still don’t understand a lot of what you’re doing. I know that you’re having struggles finding ways to love me, and when you say you love me a lot of what you mean is that you just care about me and you’re my best friend. It’s that difference in love, that loss of what you had, that hurts the most. But I know that it’s still there, still buried. You need me just the same, you want to come here and snuggle and go for walks when I ask. You say that you want to have feelings for me, and love that IS having feelings for me. That IS wanting me.

I do like when you look at pictures of us, but those are just memories of what you once had. I feel like even though you say you want to have feelings for me, you’re searching for the old feelings to come back. You can’t do that. The old me, the old you, the old love is gone. The reason that I still love you is that it’s always changing, it’s never the same. I don’t love you yesterday like I did today, it’s different but different doesn’t always mean bad. You need to not be in love with the person that I was, you can only fall in love with the person that I am, and looking at pictures of us from before is not the same love that you need now.

If you want this, then we should be talking, we should be texting, snapchatting, phone calls, video chatting, visiting, sending packages, sending letters. It matters the effort that you put into it with how much you get out, and I’ve been putting in so much effort and I know you’ve been struggling to find that effort to give. But it doesn’t need to be much, it doesn’t need to be us talking 24/7, or even every day. I send you things all the time where I don’t expect a response but I really, really want one. I want to hear your thoughts on it, on what I’m saying. But that’s another matter, you’re really busy and I know that you don’t have time for responses all the time. If I could get one thing from you, one thing at all, when you think of me, text me. It doesn’t need to be long, it doesn’t need to hold a conversation. Just “Hey, I’ve been thinking of you a lot and I’ve been looking at pictures of us. Just thought that you would want to know”. That text would make my heart beam for you again, you might even feel it’s warmth.

The last thing is if it’s not me, you need to let me know. I am here because I believe, I have hope. I want to give all these things for you. I want it to be me in your life, and I think you want it to be me too. I want to text you all the small things and the large things, to know the smallest and the largest detail in your life. If it’s not me then you’re keeping me here by not telling me. If it’s not me, I can’t only be best friends with you. I can’t watch nine years of us go down the drain from across the country. I need to go, move on. Don’t be selfish, don’t think of how much you need me or I need you. If you love me, let me go, and I will let you go. Maybe our paths will cross again some time down the line.

I know you need space. I think I need it too. I’ll try to give it but I’m so captured by you it’s incredibly difficult. I will do anything you need.

Take care of yourself.

Yours, forever,

 Mitch Stehula

[anaslovebook]

August 31st

Dearest Ana,

I write to you in this journal every day, but you have no idea. I think I might send this one though, because it might be the last time you hear from me for a while. I don’t know what to do, but I think you just need space from me again. I need to stop trying to contact you because all it does is make me feel like you don't care to talk to me and make you feel like I’m overbearing.

Today we fought, and it was good that we finally did again. I saw a lot of things wrong with the way I thought and I acted, so I apologized for it. There were a lot of thing said, some good and some not so much. The one that hurt the most is how you said you felt indifferent towards me. There’s a lot of things different between what you say and what you do, but this one might be a good one. You do want to talk to me, albeit not as much as i want to talk to you. You end up needing to talk to me again after a few days, which I do like to hear from you and see the things you want to share with me. I like to hear how you can’t stand the thought of me being with someone else, I feel the same way. I like to know that you’re my Pam and I’m your Jim. You like our smile fights, you screenshot every picture I send of Benji and I. When you say you feel indifferent I can’t tell if you mean right now or all the time. I know today you said you want to feel things for me, but you do on a daily basis. Saying and doing those things doesn’t feel like indifference. It feels like you’re suppressing your real feelings, whatever they may be. You’re suppressing the love you feel so you don’t have to feel that pain again.

Ana, this is what therapy is for and why you should go. It’s for you, and it’s for us. You have your past to navigate, to find your peace and to find your happiness, including us in your past. That’s what therapy is for. When we live together again, we will have a lot to navigate, and that’s what couples therapy is for. Therapy is a good thing, and I know you want to go. Your excuse is that you don’t have time, but It’s just an hour out of a week.

I know you’re not ready for a relationship, you’ve got a long way to go. I don’t know what you want though from me. I can call you the names you like, I can text you and call you like I do now, I can do anything that you want. I need to know what you want though, which I know it’s tough for you to even discern what you want.

I like that you’re eating, that’s a huge step and I am so proud of you. I know you hate listening to me, and I think that’s the main reason that you’re not taking your medication or going to therapy. I hate that, and I don’t want you to do it to spite me. I want you do to it for you. It will help, no matter what you think.

Everyone’s telling you that you shouldn’t be with me. It’s not up to them, it’s all up to you and it’s up to us. A lot of people have a side in this, and for a good reason they don’t like me right now. With my family and friends, everyone that I share this with, even with everything that has happened, they can make all the comments they want but at the end of the day they don’t care what I do as long as I’m happy. I don’t want just your happiness or my happiness, I want our happiness today, tomorrow and forever. I want you to marry your best friend. I want you to marry your lover. I want you to marry me.

I still will be your best friend, no matter what you choose. I will be waiting for you for a very long time. I don’t want anyone but you. You’re welcome to talk to me whenever you want, share with me whatever you can, tell me whatever you need.

Bye for now, Anastasia Libby Stehula

Yours, forever, Mitch Lee Stehula

[anaslovebook]

August 20th

Dearest Ana,

Today you decided to take some time to yourself. Away from Luke and I and I actually think that’s the best decision you’ve made in months. A few weeks away from everything will be fine.

As for your inability to chose me repeatedly, Ana, what the FUCK.

That shit hurts. Here’s the short list of the pros and cons:

Pros:

I love you, I will forever. You love me, you will forever. I want you, you want me. We have a family, we know what we feel like and we want it. I am your soul mate, and you’re mine. I can forgive every single thing that you do. I keep working on us even if you aren’t. I keep working on me even if you don’t see. I will cook for you, everything of your favorite. I will provide for you, including helping you find your happiness and making you smile. You are so afraid of losing me because I am your best friend, and I understand you completely. We have us, we want to see each other so much. We have that missing, that longing that we had before. I am your person and you’re mine, and we will have that until we’re old. We have the future of our cute kids and our day in October.

Cons:

You’re afraid of me not being the one for you, and not paying attention to you again. All this shit that you’ve pulled the last two months. Not only did it hurt me it hurt you so much. I’m 800 miles away and you won’t let me get close.

That’s it. 

And Luke? He’s new, and he’s paying attention. He can be close to you to give you the things you want most, which is instant gratification. Someone that you can see. I fucking hate that you did that. You needed to be stronger for me. I guess I just have to be stronger for you again.

Yours, forever,

Mitch

[anaslovebook]

August 19th

Dearest Ana,

You have no idea what you did to me by leaving. You have no idea how fucked up I am because of what you’ve done. I’ve changed so much because you asked me to, but my mental health is so incredibly bad right now because of the things you’ve done. They hurt, every single day, and the worst part is they don’t have to. I want this so badly. I still want this so badly. I can’t stand how abandoned I’ve felt for two months now.

We talked nearly every single day. You screenshot the snaps I send of Benji and I. You want this family as much as I want this family. Why does it hurt then? Because of what you’ve done in this two month break. I know we’re not together but really, why aren’t we? You just ran and we never worked on us. You ran, but instead of never looking back all you did was look at me. You saw me and you hurt, and because you hurt you went to do other things, and when you did those other things you’ve hurt me. But it can work. We just need a lot of couples counseling and a couple years for this to get better.

I just hurt, and I want this hurt to go away. I know that you make it go away. I don’t know what you need, and that hurts too because you just wont talk to me. You wont tell me what you need, and so you just stop talking to me when we get to anything difficult. Why? I’m your best friend. I tell you everything. I want you to tell me just as much as I tell you. I want to hear how difficult your life is, as much as I want to tell you the difficulties in mine.

We just have a lot to work on.

Yours,

Mitch

[anaslovebook]

August 18th

Dearest Ana.

Fuck You. That’s about what I feel right now. You can’t make a choice and stick with it and it hurts me so fucking much.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we? You say that I didn’t know your 5 love languages. You said that I didn’t pay enough attention to you. No Ana, I did. I gave you my everything, you were just living in a different reality. Yes, there were days where I would just play games, because that’s what I wanted. Sometimes that’s what I want to do. It does relax me, after taking care of you and working 40-60 hours, that’s what I did to relax. 

As for your 5 love languages, I can confidently say now that I have known them and that I hit all 5 of them every single day. I gave you quality time, we did watch Netflix, we did go on dates, we went for walks. I gave you touch, we hugged, kissed, slept together, EVERY DAY. FOR A YEAR AND A HALF. Gifts, I gave you all the time. They weren’t necessarily often, but I gave you back and foot massages, I did go to the store and ask you what you wanted. I did pick flowers up for you every once and a while. I did all these things that you didn’t even realize I did. I cooked for you. I paid your tuition. I took you to mexico and even though your mom gave us money we barely spent any of it again. I gave you words of affirmation. I told you I loved you, I called you beautiful and cute and lovely and gorgeous and sweetheart and sweetness. I don’t know how you missed them. I told you, you were the one for me. You were my person. I don’t know what more you wanted. And acts of service. Back massages, foot massages, cooking dinner, taking you to the hospital, helping you take your meds and go to the therapist. All five of them. 

I gave you everything. In fact, I gave you what you wanted most, and you wanted me so badly. Now I don’t know. I know what you tell me, but what do you think? Because I really believe it’s two different things. All I see is betrayal. All I feel is abandonment. All I feel is the loss of you, and you told me I could control it but really? I couldn’t do a damn thing. You lost us, you were the one to push yourself away from me. You were the one that moved. You abandoned me and Benji. You were the one that thought it was over. You were the one that went on to be with Luke. You were the one, Ana, not me. I am done living that lie that I was the one.

You’ve said it yourself, you’re fucked up. This is fucked up, Ana. Get help. GET HELP.

And for you to make this any better? If you really and truly want me? Show me. Treat me as I am your person again. Text me good morning. Text me that you think of me. Call me when you’re driving. Video call me. Send me snap chats. That’s what we have now. In the future, there’s so much more opportunity again. Visits, living together, road trips. Love, caring, affection. I feel, in my bones, that you are my person. And I’ve really started to do these things all the time. I want to do them every day. I WANT you. Every day. But for you it’s only sometimes. It’s when it’s convenient. And really, I think it’s the days that you don’t have Luke. You need to stop. For me, and for you. This is not good for you, and IS fucking you up even more. And it IS fucking me up, so much. You can’t do this to me, and I really, really can’t take it. You’re my person, the one I swore my life to, and you’re doing this to me. Really, without relationship counseling for the next year, how will I ever trust you completely? How will the back of my mind not nag that you’re just going to leave again next month? How will I know what’s really hiding under that surface? I can’t know unless you tell me, exactly, every day. 

But if you don’t want me, I deserve to know. Tell me now, that you’ve moved on and chose Luke. Every day that you chose him over me is just another nail in the coffin for us. But you know it doesn’t have to be. I am willing to work through this. I am willing to for you. But not if you keep going.

Yours, maybe not forever anymore,

Mitch

[anaslovebook]

August 14th/15th

Dearest Ana,

I figured that I shouldn’t only post here when I’m angry at you. And today, I still am so in love with you.

Monday, after I sent you that message on Sunday, I got a snapchat of you in my clothes just sitting and looking not happy at all. I know that you felt the way I did when I was truly missing from your life. I can’t go away. Sometimes I regret that I sent you that message but other times I’m not so regretful. You needed to know how I felt, and you made me feel so validated when you were glad I told you and that it was okay to tell you because it’s how I feel. Maybe I didn’t need to do it that way, but you needed to know how important it was.

We kept snapping back and forth and it was great, me showing off the shirt of yours that I hold to help me sleep, knowing that there’s some part of you that’s really close, and you showing what you were wearing. You eventually invited me to watch a movie with you, and we started a hangouts for the first time since you left. I loved it so much. I have wanted that for so long and when I knew that I had to go to work I was almost afraid to hang up in case it never happened anymore.

But today you made me feel more validated again by texting me first. You made it so that I knew that you wanted to talk to me. We had a few bumps in this conversation, but you didn’t give up on me and just kept talking. We eventually figured it out, that you talk with me not to figure things out but to just have support. Not to get advice, but to just be close. Not to have your problems solved. I can do that better for you.

At the end of the night I knew you were getting tired. You don’t really realize this but when you do you stop giving your full attention to talking to me. I can tell other times when you’re just texting me to keep me happy, and this was one of those times. You were making it so that you could just fall asleep. I told myself when I felt this way, I would just say goodbye or goodnight because it wasn’t worth talking to you when you were in that. I’ve brought it up before and you know of it, but I know it’s not going to change all at once. But I said goodnight and I’m sure you drifted off to sleep shortly after.

We also talked about you working out. That is so good, and it’s really good that V is working out with you. This gives you some accountability that you need. It does suck that you lost your meds, but at the end of the day I can’t be angry at you for it. You at least got your endorphins pumping and helped with your depression. I love that you want to like yourself and be proud of yourself, but there is also the realization that you need that working out doesn’t make you a better person, and it’s not the end all to making yourself feel better. I will support you every way that I can though, even if it is only being a ear to listen or a person to give hugs.

Yours, always,

Mitch

[anaslovebook]

August 13th

I sent that to you yesterday. And now starts the saddest part of our story. You left, and that hurt, but now I am leaving too. I can’t be here, I can’t take your bullshit pulling me one way or another. It’s been all afternoon and all morning since I sent you that text saying goodbye. I hate that you havent responded. I know you though, and I know your response is to shut down and cry yourself to sleep. I don’t even know if you did that though. Yesterday was probably just a day you didn’t miss me.

Today also starts the hardest part of my life. Somehow, forgetting you and moving on. Maybe someday in the future everything can come back into place, but I know that it wont be before you’re better. When I mean better, you need to be on antidepressants EVERY DAY. You need to be going to a therapist. You need to actively be working on yourself. 

I’m going to be messaging you here instead of texting you. That way I feel like I’m writing to you, even though I might not be. You’ll probably never read this now. Any maybe that’s for the best. Because right now, Ana, I hate you. I hate everything that you’ve done. From leaving to leading me on to blaming me on your problems and not focusing on them yourself. I can’t trust you right now. I have no faith that you’ll make things better. That’s why I can’t be here anymore.

I guess I love you still. 

[anaslovebook]

August 12th

I’ve had enough of this. I had enough last week too, and I told you so. I told you how I was feeling, I even wrote you a letter and sent it. Not a whole lot changed. We barely talked, you seemed too busy and you stopped talking whenever, mid conversation. I can no longer initiate conversation with you, I have to either wait until you tell me that you miss me, or you text me at 3 in the morning not sleeping because you’re too busy thinking of me. Then what? You fall asleep on me and I don’t hear from you for days?

I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t think you do either. But I know what you’re not doing. You’re not fixing anything. Nothing about you, nothing about us. You’re living life on a whim, day to day, doing what you want and staying away from what you fear. You don’t want to go get help, you think that you’ll be happy this way forever. You don’t want to see a therapist, you’ll just keep living in fear of everything. You don’t want meds, you never have and you’ll just stop taking them. You won’t stop your destructive coping mechanisms because you think they help.

All you wanted was for me to change fast, but you never gave me any help on it. Now I want you to change, and I am trying my hardest to give you help. I’m trying to be patient with you. I am giving you every option, showing you every step of the way, something that you have never done to me. And what are you doing? Resisting me. Resisting your best friend. Resisting the only person that knows you better than you do.

Goodbye Ana.

[anaslovebook]

August 5th 2018

The past couple days have been so rough. I don’t know what to do. You’re there for me but you’re also not in the worst ways. I don’t think I can keep going like this.

I miss you every single second of the day. I hate making food for only one person. I hate making food that you won’t like even if I do. I hate falling asleep in a bed that only I live in. I hate not seeing you, hugging you, kissing you, every day. I’m not happy, I’m not comfortable, I’m full of despair and I can’t stop crying. I text you and sometimes you text back but sometimes you don’t and I hope you’re sleeping because I can’t imagine the other possibility.

I understand we’re not in a relationship. You say you can’t be in a relationship right now and I understand that too. But I have no clue why you’re doing what you’re doing. You’re not helping yourself at all. Your coping mechanisms have gone to drinking and sex. You’ve finally started to read again and get your room organized which will help you clear your state of mind. I hope that these turn into your new coping mechanisms. But Ana, it’s been two months since you’ve left and you have yet to talk to a therapist and you stopped taking your medication. I know you want to be okay, but you can’t on your own. It’s nothing that you can do. It’s a medical process, a chemical imbalance in your brain. You need to handle it appropriately, and doing nothing is not the answer.

I hated last Thursday. But it was an important step for us. I needed you to be honest with me, and you were. I could hear that pain in your voice when you told me because you knew it would hurt me. I knew that you wouldn’t be okay with hurting me for too much longer, whether that means saying goodbye or not.. I don’t know if you even know what you’re doing to hurt me anymore. You said that you knew that it would hurt but you thought that you were doing the things that would help you. I want to help you in every way possible, and I think the best ways would be what’s in the previous paragraph. But you want to handle it on your own, I can only remind you.

I’m writing this for me. I know that you might end up reading this, depending if I even send this to you. That all depends on the future I guess. It makes me feel better, knowing that someday you might, and getting this all off my chest even if I can’t say it straight to you right now. And hopefully you can see the progress that you’ve made and how far you’ve and we’ve come.

[anaslovebook]

The aftermath

Dearest Ana,

Maybe I shouldn’t call it the aftermath. It sounds like some disaster that just went through, but honestly it was the best thing in my life. I just spent an entire week with you. My parents came and picked me up from the church shortly after you pulled out in your van. It was sad saying goodbye to you but I definitely still had your number written on a piece of paper. We weren’t allowed our phones on the trip, so I had to keep it with me until I could get it in my phone.

My family had a nice vacation for the rest of the week on the east coast. I remember that I couldn’t wait long enough to talk to you so I was talking to you on my Mom’s phone instead. You didn’t know that I was still on the east coast but I didn’t know if you wanted to see me again at that time. I guess I could have asked, but we weren’t super close to Middletown except to drive through. I would have loved to see you again. The entire trip there wasn’t supposed to be any “purpling” but if I saw you outside of the trip... I probably would have stolen your first kiss right then and there.

We texted so much the next month. I knew what was happening, and I knew where this was going. I was falling in love with you. So I told you, and you said you were in love with me too, and it was the best damn day of my life. I didn’t know what the future held for us, being over a thousand miles away, but my god if it involved you I would be so happy. We did this for years and years, talking nearly every day, through school, out of school, when my phone died using my moms. We became best friends, and that was the best. I could talk to you about everything and anything because you were my best friend.

Yours, forever and always,

Mitch

[anaslovebook]

Lynn, Mass.

Dearest Ana,

That entire week we barely spent time apart. Our group did kids club for two days, and it was your favorite thing ever. The kids being around were the best thing and you were always so good with them. I remember playing kickball with you and a few other of the people that came along on the trip and just a ton of kids. Just like you could watch me when I played the piano, I could watch you when you were active with the kids. You were so happy and I was so happy that you were happy.

The other events that we did as a group were to go to a few elderly residences. I remember this one so particularly because you sat next to me when I played the piano for the people. They might have loved it, but I know that you loved it more.

The last rotation that we did had us in a school. Honestly this is probably the only time we were separated in our groups, I remember going off to paint a hallway and you were tasked with doing something else. Here you are in all of your lovely brace faced glory.

This trip was so magical because I got to meet you and be with you nearly every second for a week. I’ve always wanted to go back to Lynn with you and just tour everywhere that we went that week, everything that we did between working and the time that we spent not working, in the square, on the beach. I think we definitely need to take a vacation there very, very soon.

Yours, forever,

Mitch

[anaslovebook]

That day we met

Dearest Ana,

Nine years. That’s how long I’ve known you. In the beginning I didn’t know that you were going to be the love of my life. I’m so sure that you remember that day as well as I do. You probably remember the sea of orange shirts as we got off that bus and flooded into the church. You probably didn’t even notice me, there were nearly 70 of us in total, but I know for sure that was about to change. The first thing that I noticed once we were all settled into the upstairs of that church was 1.) It was going to be way too hot in that room and 2.) The piano.

That was probably the first time that you actually saw me, when I sat down and played my first few notes. Many of the people from my church knew that I played piano, so this was not out of the ordinary for them. But for you, that music was what caught your attention. I know that there’s a few pictures floating around of me sitting at the piano and you standing around listing, probably just as much admiring the music as admiring me. In fact I’ve found one.

It wasn’t too much longer that we learned what groups we would be in for the week. I half think you bribed someone to change with them just to be with me, because there’s no way that we would be that lucky. There aren’t too many pictures from those days that have us both in it. I’m trying to find as many as I can to bring it back to us, because those days that we met formed everything that we know about each other now. Those days and the years after formed us into being the best friends that this world has ever known.

I’ve never been happier with you in my life, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of it with you.

Yours, always,

Mitch