Ancelottery

A blog about the A-league, although mostly Melbourne Victory. Recently described by Mark Bosnich as "gold".

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You're nobody until somebody forgets you

As Danny Tiatto will tell you, you're nobody until people forget you. And footballers, it would seem, have a unique way of finding abandonment - theme parks and roller coasters, ambassadorial duties for the Indian Premier League, attempting to get Ali Abbas and Shane Smeltz to become friends, signing for Chelsea - the list is endless. We've long daydreamed over such mediocre predilections! But such anonymity is not for us! We're back!  Although not with a bang – we don't really do bangs... more a slight tap. Or a pat. 

Contrary to popular assumption The Ancelottery is a blog of some moral standing. So when we announced on twitter that we would be taking up the moral high ground and no longer be posting slightly satirical A-league related ramblings until Melbourne Victory's North Terrace supporter group were released from the FFA's rather fascist crowd controlling regimen - a restricting jurisdiction that precluded them from enjoying such basic human rights as being allowed to wave flags slightly vigorously, throw overpriced mid-strength beer into the air and casually hurl abuse at the boys in blue - we meant it! 

Now that the shackles have been lifted and the NT have been permitted to watch a game of football 30 metres away from where they were going to watch the game anyway, we've lifted the self-imposed hiatus! Rejoice reader! Rejoice!

A lot has happened in the time we've been away - frequent flyer points' Isaka Cernak has passed go, collected $200 and played for a competition record sixth A-league club; in a plotline more predictable than a predictable daytime soap plotline, Mrs. Harry Kewell landed a part in Neighbours; Clive Palmer saw to the unfortunate demise of Clive Palmer's Football Australia through the cunning use of pipe dreams and kack handed mismanagement; and we learnt that Miron Bleiberg has a floor covering business called 'Bennie Carpets and Vinyl'. Seriously. 

But nothing has quite captured the average punters' imagination quite like the FFA Cup, or the "Romance of the FFA Cup" as it's now been contractually renamed by media outlets.

Last week saw "Fox Sports football personality" Michael Zappone, "FFA Hall of Champions inductee, dual Joe Marston medallist and former Socceroo" Alex Tobin and some bloke called Paul conduct the last 16 draw. It was an entertaining tombola which was full of "banana skins", where "anything can happen" and even Kristian Rees can potentially put himself "in the shop window", presumably with a bright orange Reduced To Clear sticker slapped on his forehead.

Of course Bling FC v Sydney Knights Croatia United is the stand out tie. For us neutrals and whoever's cutting those heavily edited, emotionally charged Romance of the FFA Cup flashy pre-game packages for Fox Sports, it's a real thing of beauty. Part-time, semi-professional upstarts at home to a self-aggrandising opponent? Check! A talented, yet grumpy Head Coach going toe-to-toe with a former colleague who was a club legend for the team he's coaching against? Double Check!! A club legend who has "ruffled a few sky blue feathers" by suggesting that the supporters of the Unicorns get behind his team? Triple check!!! The Ancelottery's hoping for an entertaining bonanza of a goal-fest, the likes of which we haven't seen since Australia competed in Oceania. Either that or a good old fashioned, Nathan Sherlock-endorsed, chicken schnitzel.

Meanwhile over in South Canberra, Tuggeranong United won't die wondering (although they might die from boredom). "It’s a red-letter day, this match is one of the best things to happen to Canberra football", mused head coach Steve Forshaw - leaving the rest of us scratching our heads about any other monumental moments of Canberra footballing history he might be referring to*. "The biggest clubs in the world have got to be careful they don't tread on banana skins," Forshaw prophesied presumably not talking about any of the clubs involved. "We don't underestimate the size of the challenge, but my goodness we're looking forward to it." Now where's Danny Tiatto when you need him?!?

*Who could forget Rupena Raumati own goal for Tahiti back in '96!?! 

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A-league Season Preview Part 3

Despite the A-league curtain raiser being 30 days away, we got bored of waiting for Victory to sign a marquee. So here it is, the third and final instalment of our annual A-league Season Preview!

The team no longer known as Roarcelona Mike Mulvey has enjoyed a coaching career spanning 13 years. During which time he has worked alongside some of the biggest names in the game - Cassandra Dimovski, Jessica Humble, Laura Spiranovic, Tahj Minniecon - but for the first time for a long time, this season the miserable Manc won’t have the comfort of ‘assistant’ or ‘caretaker’ status. Will he be able to call the shots and make decisions of his own rather than merely offer his opinion in a smug, slightly aggressive and condescending manner? Probably not. Ben Halloran was last seen running down a sackgasse in Düsseldorf . Stefan Nijland has a pressing appointment with a field full of cows and a banjo. And Matt Jurman is now comparing notes with Terry McHack over the best way to clobber ‘those creative types’. Meanwhile Kofi Danning, Diogo Ferreira, Dimi Petratos, Liam Miller and Matt McKay have all been added as Mulvey moves towards his preferred 2-8-1 formation. Maybe it’ll be unlucky 14.

Western Zagreb Unicorns This winter Lyall Gorman has been busy thumbing the balls on his abacus and has decided that Western Sydney - the football club, not the suburb - is worth $15million. But he's not just going to sell the Unicorns to any old world-renown-nouveau-riche-mega-club! Fat chance Machester City! In your face BVB Dortmund! Go away... erm... Penrith Panthers. All this talk of maths and corporate sales bores us - hardly surprising we know - but not as much as other club goings on. Poppa is conducting his business with the minimum of fuss. They haven't signed Liam Reddy, haven't spent 2 months devouring Momma Enzo's homemade gnocchi in Venezia and they don't have a chevron-inspired sky blue kit. In fact, when it comes to the Unicorns we have absolutely nothing to write about - a win-win situation for everyone involved.  

Melbourne Victory Meanwhile in Gossipville, Ange Postecoglou recently hinted that Melbourne Victory will be announcing their marqueeeeeee signing this week - cue spurious rumour mongers! The Ancelottery doesn't know whether this signing will be fabulous French strop merchant Will.I.Am Gallas, Italian tap-in king Vincenzo Iaquinta or EPL journeyman Yossi Benayoun - but what we can tell you is that, after being rejected by Giorgos Karagounis and Fabrizio Miccoli, the Victory coach has most certainly draped a towel over one arm, suggested the Canard à la Rouennaise and played "the waiting game". With just 30 days to go, the new marquee will join touch-type friendly Kostas Barbarouses, Mitch Nichols, an embryo and an unborn foetus in Victory's all conquering under 12s squad this season. Just as long as they do their homework, brush their teeth and don’t miss their bedtime.

Melbourne Heart We #believe… in Bundoora. in family reasons. in Vinnie Grella. in Dougie the Pizza Boy. in wheelie bins. in green seats. in celebrating in front of an empty stand. in sunbeds. in cashmere. in hypocrisy. in being "unlucky". in a three ring circus. in excuses.  in our unique member-inspired fan-designed Third Kit…

#Believe.

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A-league Season Preview Part 2

Despite the A-league curtain raiser being 40 days away, we got bored of waiting for Victory to sign a marquee. So here it is, our annual A-league Season Preview Part 2!

Gosford Marinaters

With its implausible plotline, simplistic script and cast of unusual characters, no comeback has come close to the daytime soap opera that is "Liam Reddy". Banished to Iran following his 'indiscretions' with Bling FC, Reddy undertook a Road to Damascus/Dan Doyle's Tavern-style transformation from thirsty, indisciplined bad boy to doting father figure and has since signed for Gosford Marinaters on a "zero-tolerance contract". We'll drink to that heartwarming fable!

Inspiring tale though it is, no amount of positive spin can make us think he's a good goalkeeper. 

Meanwhile Maty Ryan, popular kid's entertainer Bernie Ibini, Oliver Bozanic and the consonant friendly Patrick Zwanswicjckcjcjckcjk have all gone, whilst The Giraffe, Marcel Seip, Matt Simon and the brilliantly named Storm Roux have been added. Oh, and Graham Arnold is leaving. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. 

Wellington Funix

Ernie Merrick is a man with a plan. A head coach with an approach. A thinker who likes to tinker. A football addict who, when walking his dog, likes to throw the ball long and shout in a Scottish brogue "chase! chase! mix it! mix it!" - not knowing of course that you can't teach a young pooch old tricks. 

He's also a bit of a dreamer - why else would you want to take on a job that entails trying to get The Leaping Esky to run around a bit? 

Ernie's initial challenge at Funix will be to...

In the off-season Merrick has taken advantage of Funix's wooden spoon and stirred up the squad. Tony Luckhead, Alux Smuth, Donni Sinchez, Lucus Pintiles, Mark Pissssston, Isacca Ceurnac and Binjamen Totoree have all been shown the door whilst a new transfer priority has been adopted. "Speed is the number one priority in all positions," joked Merrick, a man not usually known for his humour. 

One player in his squad with actual speed is striker Kenny Cunningham signed from the fantastically named Bolivian side 'The Strongest'. And how does Ernie know he's quick? "I've watched him on DVD... and when someone is already playing at international level you know they are a good player." It took all of The Ancelottery's will power not to mention Sutee Suksomkit.

Newcastle Jets

Newcastle Jets launched their 2013/14 membership campaign with a headline that hints at the kind of disparaging disappointment and defeat that any Newcastle residents with a masochistic personality disorder can look forward to this season. 

You too can pay your money, turn up, tut and walk away depressed. At least they aren't selling something that they can't deliver on. 

The same bunch of pimply teenagers that got flogged towards the end of last season are a year older and hopefully a whole lot wiser. But, we doubt it - kids these days. Nathan Burns and Kew Jaliens have been added and much has been made of the retainment of The Lumbering Wardrobe. “(Emile) knows what to expect this year. The travel, the weather, the different teams that we play against, our incompetent defending our inability to keep possession," Gary the Egg Man almost said. 

For help or information visit beyondblue.org.au or call Lifeline on 131 114.

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A-league Season Preview Part 1

Despite the A-league curtain raiser being 50 days away, we got bored of waiting for Victory to sign a marquee. So here it is, our annual A-league Season Preview Part 1! SBS SAdelaide United Following Kossie's decision to go and teach football to a group of individuals who might actually listen to him, an elite band of mercenaries were assembled to appoint a new Head Coach. Led by chief Barcelona cheerleader Craig Foster, they gave up before they began. Shortly after SAdelaide's board appointed former Barca youth coach Josep Gombau and Foster's employers SBS announced that they would be broadcasting a high proportion of SAdelaide's Friday night games. Coincidence? We think not.  Out on the park Gombau has his work cut out. Tomi Juric, Iain Ramsay and Iain Fyfe's beard have all left for pastures new, whilst the incoming Head Coach has committed to changing SAdelaide's footballing culture and is now trying to teach his tiki-taka Catalan style to Tarek Elrich, something that Josep himself acknowledges will "take time to work". No kidding. Epic success or epic fail it'll be entertaining to watch.

Bling FC "A graveyard for football", they said. "A very sad end to one of the great careers", they epitaphed. "He's just looking for one final pay check", they scoffed. Well what do they know!?!  The Del Piero Effect has proved his ($2million a season) worth yet again with the team's pre-season tour of Italy. A tour which, according to Tony Piñata, came about after The Del Piero Effect stated, "I don't really want to come in winter in Sydney so you guys come to Italy." Take note Harry Kewell, THAT'S how to negotiate! Meanwhile Cranky Franky has brought in Richard Garcia to nonchalantly chew gum in the forward line. Enigmatic midfielder Nicky Carle will re-join after his brief stint in the UAE to be generally enigmatic in midfield whilst cockiness' Corey Gameiro and Pedj Bojic will run around energetically. At the back Matt Jurman and Tiago Calvano will consistently collect the man and not the ball. And Terry McFlynn (Irish for "crap") will hack. And hack. And hack. But worst of all is the news that Paul Reid has taken over as their Community Football Officer. Just think of the children. 

Perth Glory August 1, 2013. FourFourTwo Magazine. "Currently there's interest and it's Asia, America and the Middle East. But to be honest, it's going to have to be an amazing offer to pull me away from the Melbourne Knights" - Ljubo Milicevic.  August 20, 2013 Herald Sun. "Ljubo made contact about 10 days ago" - Alistair Edwards, Perth Glory Head Coach. Few things have caused The Ancelottery more joy this winter than the phoenix-like rising from the ashes of Ljubo Milicevic and his rather fetchy hat.

The Fairfax Media Most Fascinating People in Sport 2011 finalist (seriously) says he's done with the "controversy and angst" of his "theme park" life and has instead decided to focus on "being true to my inner being". All those in favour say "Om". That sound you hear is Alistair Edwards humming furiously as he now gets chance to give Ljubo "strange looks" because he's "dressed like a bohemian vagabond.” We hope we don't look back on this entire situation as a Sara-Marie moment - funny at the time but somewhat regrettable and a little bit embarrassing for all involved.  Football-wise for Perth it'll be tiki-taka mark II - although with Ljubo, Steve Pantelidis and Isaka Cernak to carry out the orders. What can possibly go wrong?!?

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Hard luck & Hypocrisy (A Reprise)

August 23, 2011 “It’s not our style [signing a player like Harry Kewell]. For us it’s just about being a club that is built on some pretty strong basics. No single player is bigger than the club and that’s our focus… Victory has taken a different pathway, but our goal is to uncover the next Harry Kewell. Our direction is to bring young talent through. We are in this for the long haul. The circus comes to town and then leaves.” - Morwell Heart CEO Scott Munn

July 2, 2012 “Morwell Heart FC is delighted to confirm the signing of defender Steven Gray (30) for the Hyundai A-League 2012/13 season.”

July 16, 2012 “Heart sends out feelers to tempt striker Michael Owen (33)” - The Age

July 23, 2012 “Morwell Heart have bolstered their attacking arsenal with the signing of Dylan Macallister (30).” - Herald Sun

August 23, 2012 “Morwell Heart is poised to sign former Socceroo Richard Garcia, subject to the injury-plagued 30-year-old passing a medical.” - The Age

September 22, 2012 “Of course we’d want a player of Michael Ballack’s (36) class and quality, but we have a clear plan and clear demonstration of youth development.” - Heart CEO Scott Munn. 

October 16, 2012 “Morwell Heart have confirmed they have signed former Socceroo Vince Grella (33) on a one-year deal.” - Morwell Heart FC Press Release

November 20, 2012 “Morwell Heart will today lodge what it claims is a compelling offer to lure English football star David Beckham (37) to the A-League club.” - Herald Sun

November 21, 2012 “Morwell Heart last night submitted a bid for superstar David Beckham. The Herald Sun understands Heart has tabled an $1.7 million offer for a 10-game guest player appearance from January 18.”

November 22, 2012 “Harry Kewell is a fantastic footballer, but you can’t compare him to David Beckham on the world stage. He (Beckham) is, apart from Lionel Messi, the biggest name in the game and would be a fantastic asset.” - Heart CEO Scott Munn.

December 21, 2012 “Some may define clubs by their win-loss record in any given season or by bums on seats on any given week. Heart knows these metrics will fluctuate in the short-term, so our vision must go beyond this. We must build beyond winning at all costs and seeking short-term gimmickry to spike crowds because we believe in what we are building.” - Heart Head Coach Cashmere John. 

January 28, 2013 ”Morwell Heart FC confirms Vince Grella (33) will retire from professional football effective immediately.” - Morwell Heart FC Press Release

February 1, 2013 “Heart has enquired about uncontracted Socceroo left back David Carney (30)” - Herald Sun

February 1, 2013 “Former England captain David Beckham has given the A-League a miss and is set to join big-spending French side Paris St Germain” - The Age

February 14, 2013 “I don’t sign the players,” Aloisi said. “I get asked if I would like a player and I was asked a couple of days ago if I’d like Lucas Neill. Someone like him would be great for our side – captain of Australia, a leader on the park, great to have for the younger boys." - Cashmere John

February 17, 2013 "Morwell Heart chief Scott Munn said his team was delighted to get the chance to take on Socceroos skipper Luca$$$h Neill in his first A-League game next weekend after the veteran defender spurned the Melbourne club and opted for his home-town team of Bling FC"  - The Age

May 20, 2013 "Melbourne Heart have secured the services of 28-year-old veteran Massimo Murdocca after the midfielder was granted a release from the final year of his Brisbane Roar contract." - Sportal.com.au

May 28, 2013 "We are keen to sign (Kewell), but no deal has been done. We believe he'd be a fantastic addition and we need players with a winner's mentality." - Morwell Heart CEO Scott Munn

May 31, 2013 Munn also confirmed the club had made an official offer to Norwich City for 32 year old striker Grant Holt and that despite reports that deal had been rejected, it was not yet "dead in the water" - The World Game

June 5, 2013 "Heart coach John Aloisi was thrilled to announce the 34-year-old Kewell - will wear the number 10 shirt - for the 2013-2014 campaign." - The World Game

June 5, 2013 "Everyone at the club is impressed with Harry’s positive mindset and motivations for coming to Melbourne Heart. He is very keen to work with Cashmere John and achieve success alongside him; he absolutely loves the city of Melbourne and, significantly, he has a desire to work closely to develop our younger players." - Scott Munn

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The best a man can get

The Ancelottery can't help but find Perth Glory's continual inability to win the toilet seat perpetually enjoyable. Their failure to ever register a win against North Queensland Fury; the signing of Nicky 'Vidal Sassoon' Ward; their epic capitulation in last year's grand final after Mr. Tumble took a comic tumble; the subsequent discovery that referee Jarred Gillette's girlfriend was on the payroll; Shane Smeltz winning the crossbar challenge; Andrew Nabbout's handball hi-jinx, the red card issued to knuckle dragging's Steve Pantelidis following his perfectly legitimate foul on Nabbout; the oddball refereeing of Jarred Gillette (again!) that helped Melbourne Victory reach the semi-final; and of course Steven McGarry's feeble attempt at banter.

For all this anguish we should be thankful, it's why they're the A-league's "benchmark club".

As regular readers of this blog will no doubt testify, we're in no position to criticise people for not being very good at their job, however Glory owner Tony Sage and hatchet-in-chief Jacob Burns are more than happy to dish it out to hapless whistleblower, Jarred Gillette, following his part in Perth's elimination on Friday night.

"He’s ended our finals campaign and I don’t want to sound like sour grapes, but he’s got to be accountable for some very, very poor decisions out there for both teams," Burns Cashmere John'd after the game. "I don’t understand how he can make such poor judgments once again" - clearly Burns hasn't seen too many of Jarred's games this season.

Tony Sage is in a right old hot funk too and has asked the FFA "not to appoint Gillette to any Perth games at home for safety reasons". 

"I am angry (about) the shocking refereeing decision" tinkled the multi-millionaire. "He should not have done our game in the first place. If you read social media comments coming out of Perth, if I was Jarred Gillette I wouldn't want to come here anyway," stated Sage on behalf of Tourism Western Australia.

But decisive action has never been a strong point for the FFA, so it will come as little surprise to discover that for one of the finals, they've once again turned to a referee who thinks that this is a goal kick. Bravo FFA!

Football people

Over in SAdelaide, it would appear that the mood right now is one of grasping confusion. Basking under the title of want-away goalkeeper, is Reds stopper Eugene Galeković. Not surprisingly Eugene has been less than keen to commit to two more years of tutelage from Michael Valkanis - a head coach who has returned just two wins in ten attempts.

Talking to a group of reporters an angry Galeković outlined his concerns about the club, most notably that all footballing matters should be decided by an unspecified group of "football people".  

"The main thing is football people need to make football decisions at this football club," whelped Galeković without drawing breath. "I think football people should just make those decisions - leave that for just football people. If there aren't any football people at this football club, maybe they've got to bring in football people."

You're right Eugene! Better to leave it to the experts. Expert "football people" like... erm... Craig Foster. What a relief!

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Avoid the spoon

Well done to the Unicorns! Six months ago an object of our mockery and ridicule, they've emerged from the shadow of The Del Piero Effect™ to win their first ever serving tray in their inaugural season. 

All praise Tony Popovic, who during the course of the campaign has managed to inexplicably transform Tarek Elrich, Michael Beauchamp, Mark Bridge, Shannon Cole, Nikolai Topor-Stanley and Labinot Haliti from a dysfunctional rabble of goal-shy rejects into a well-oiled football-winning machine. Quite an achievement. 

We are of course contractually obliged to cloddishly point out that the incredible win will always be slightly less incredible due to a certain amount of rule bending, backhanded favours and payments thrown their way by the 23-carriage FFA gravy train. Having said that, the serving tray still takes some winning - especially with Tahj Minniecon in your squad - so congratulations to you Poppa. 

But as Sydney news outlets fawn at Poppa's feet like adolescent groupies, only with less dignity, The Ancelottery prefers to focus on the weekend exploits of a different young man. A young man who grew up with the lofty ambition of being a pro-gamer, but chose instead to give it all up and settle for a job as Morwell Heart Head Coach. 

After conducting his usual 10 minute pre-match YouTube homework on the opposition on Friday afternoon, Cashmere John's Morwell Heart travelled to Bluetongue Stadium on Saturday to take on Central Coast Marinaters, with the hope of continuing their impressive winless away record. And continue it they did, with stylish aplomb. 

When Heart stopper Patrick Gerhardt elbowed a goal-bound shot off the line in the first half of their tie with Central Coast Marinaters, referee Jarred Gillette sent off Gerhardt and awarded a penalty, as the laws of Association Football dictate.

It was a decision which left Cashmere John baffled and confused; so much so that he (worryingly) "blew up", directing a half-time expletive explosion at Jarred Gillette, which duly earned him a red card in the process.

"The reason (why I whinged to the referee) was a few people from the Marinaters told me it was never a hand ball," the perma-tanned one explained whilst the Marinaters coaching staff sniggered in the background. "Every week we're getting decisions against us," John excused, before summing up, "I feel that they're not up to standard." Unfortunately, he didn't confirm whether he was discussing the referees or his players.

But hey ho Heart fans, being an also ran isn't so bad! "When we did play well we played some of the best football in the league," trilled Cashmere John, basking in the warm glow of intermittent, moderately-paced, unsuccessful football. And you've only six months to wait until you can try and avoid the spoon all over again. Oh the joy!

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You do the math

In the winter of 2012, Cashmere John, the bestest youth team manager in the land who hadn't actually won anything, was given his big break. As a reward for his incredible coaching talent and his even more incredible perma-tan, Morwell Heart entrusted him with the keys to the canteen at Bundoora. With the backing of many respected figures within the game, as well as Scott Munn, he started to try and develop the side "to win the league". "You saw last year our consistency wasn’t quite there," Cashmere John stated, as he quickly set about fixing any inconsistencies.

Ten months on and Morwell's transformation is complete. Under his excellent tactical stewardship, Heart have finally found the consistency that Cashmere John claimed they were lacking - failing to win a single game outside of Melbourne this season, scoring an average of 0.45 goals per game in the process. 

Cashmere John once professed whilst applying his FakeBake, "John van't Schip set a platform for this club. I learnt a lot under John. I learnt how to react after certain defeats." Tutelage he put into full effect in a entertaining Sunday afternoon rant: "I thought it was a poor performance from the referee. Our players were upset about (the penalty) and the Roar lifted - but it's no excuse," he excuse'd after the game.

But Cashmere John shouldn't despair! At The Ancelottery's last count, Heart need just five points from their final away game to make the elimination finals and with Kris Griffiths-Jones (or any other A-league whistleblower) officiating, who knows what's possible?

Over in the harbour city another A-league team are displaying an equally fine level of consistency, albeit in a different way. Despite their best attempts to kick and harangue their way down the Fair Play ladder by picking up a balmy 6 red cards in their last 5 away games, The Del Piero Effect's Bling FC look set to assault their way into the finals. Taking 20 points from a possible 23, the Sky Blues still have every chance of lifting the toilet seat despite being 22 points behind the Unicorns. Maybe Graham Arnold has a point after all?

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Money, money, money

It may not come as a surprise to you that The Ancelottery is not good with money. Whether it's the extravagant purchasing of naff footballing merchandise, the hefty overdue library book fines, or the extortionate "Grant Brebner Coaching Academy" monthly membership fee - each results in the same thing... every trip to the hole-in-the-wall is a "insufficient funds" lottery. And so, as The Ancelottery embarks on the adventure of securing an unsecured personal loan from 'Big Steve', we've empathy for the financial officer of embattled A-league club, Central Coast Marinaters.

For in Gosford, according to The Australian's Ray Gatt, a deeply unpleasant shower of financial simpletons are busy dismantling the local football team. If a restructure of its ownership fails, and cashed up English businessman Michael Charlesworth doesn't invest the GDP of a small developing nation, the cash-stricken Marinaters could be "in jeopardy". Further to this, players and staff have not been paid, a Melbourne consortium has been looking at relocating the club to Geelong (as @AdamPeacock3 would say, #PrayForTheSauce) and perhaps most distressing of all is the news that Primo Smallgoods will not be bringing it's unique brand of mis-labelled pork products back to the BlueTongue next year. 

However, suits at the FFA insist that rumours of the club's embarrassing financial situation have, like The Ancelottery's appalling weekend exploits at The Bat & Ball Hotel, been greatly exaggerated. "Central Coast Marinaters have been going through some different issues," A-league boss Damien De Bohun harrumphed. "From our perspective, it's just something that (will) get resolved very quickly." Unfortunately De Bohun didn't quite clarify how hand-scrawled I.O.U.s can make mortgage repayments or be exchanged for groceries at the local IGA. 

Meanwhile Marinaters coach, Graham "happy-go-lucky" Arnold - who has impressed all and sundry in recent years by transforming a team of unwanted no-hopers into a team of battling tired no-hopers - isn't happy. He's upset at the completely unreasonable demand of playing 4 games in 21 days. "Physically we have got 19 players and it's been tough to push 19 players," he bleated. "The expectancy level of what they are doing (is too hard) for well paid professional athletes", he almost whinged, before going on to show an incredible knowledge of the human anatomy... "They are just out on their feet. They are off their legs," he actually said. 

In other coaching news, Mike Mulvey's Believe It Or Not! has consulted his Big Book of A-league Certainties and stated that his side will "100 percent qualify for finals", and that his confidence is "based on the facts." Presumably choosing to ignore the fact that (a) Roar still need positive results from their two remaining games to make the top six, and (b) since he's been in charge, Roar have lost more games than they've won.

Stand-in Perth Glory coach Alistair Edwards thinks that his side are the "benchmark club in the competition" and "always have been." We couldn't agree more Alistair - as long as the benchmark isn't concerned with such petty things as tactics, playing style, attendances, facilities, youth team development, community engagement and success.  

Finally, Ange Postecoglou will take charge of the A-league invitational XI Superstar All Stars entertaining 5-4 loss to Manchester United in July. Voting has now opened and you can register your selection here. We'd like to remind you however, that it’s neither big nor clever to vote for Terry McHack. You have been warned. 

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Pitch Perfect

As those more cynical than us took one look at the A-league fixtures for Round 24, they'd have been forgiven for thinking that the Labour Day game between Morwell Heart and SAdelaide United would be about as appetising as a unseasoned lentil and quinoa salad. 

On the one hand you had the rudderless A-league travelling circus troupe, Morwell Heart - a team who haven't won away from Morwell since roughly ten minutes before time began - facing the rudderless Reds, a team who were fresh off the back of the kind of inept defensive display that only eBay Luzardo could dream of. We were hardly smacking our lips at the proposition. And neither were the two men, a dog and a bored hatamoto security guard who turned up to watch the Reds demolish Heart 2-0.

''We haven't won coming from behind this season," John Aloisi proudly boasted. "I take full responsibility," he cashmered, before going on to apportion some of the responsibility to whistle blower Chris Beath and his gigolo beard: "He (Beath) slows down the game way too much, he doesn't let it flow. He talks to a player, has to write everything down, then whenever they get a free-kick it slows it down. It's not the first time and we've already told the head of referees what he's like and it hasn't helped, so I might as well not meet with them any more."

'Distraught', 'devastated' and 'gutted' are the only words that FFA director of referees Ben Wilson can think of today.

If only Heart were playing at Suncorp, Parramatta or Allianz Stadium in the next few weeks, then Aloisi would have a real excuse for their hoofball antics. 

Each of the aforementioned grounds will treat their A-league tenants to terrain more suited to the Australian Supercross Championships in their next fixtures. All three surfaces will be regaled with thirty burly men in short shorts bumping into each other on the eve of their respective A-league fixtures, inevitably resulting in games being played at the sort of pace you might expect while making your way through a boggy field in the dark.

Brisbane Roar vice-chairman Chris Fong down-played any difficulties. "We've got a world-class home. We are very happy with Suncorp Stadium," cheered Fong, doing his bit for the promotion of attractive play by staging home matches on a ploughed field. 

"We certainly understand that for the round ball game (the pitch) is an integral part of the game," Parramatta Stadium director Luke Colman said. "The unfortunate thing is the weather and diseases, those are the unknown factors," he explained whilst punching the words 'Sydney', 'weather' and 'influenza' into google. 

Allianz Stadium officials refused to comment on their excuse for a pitch, however Bling FC fans can be rest assured that Terry McHack will be on hand to recreate these heartwarming scenes... 

Oh the joy!

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Megamind

If The Ancelottery was asked to compile a list of the world's greatest tactical intellects we'd immediately be drawn to the counter-attacking genius of Sir Alex Ferguson. Guus Hiddink's strict 'no nonsense' approach would be hard to ignore, as would Pep Guardiola's school of tippy-tappy eye candy that perpetually leaves SBS cheerleader Craig Foster in a quivering mess. Or maybe we'd opt for some moody defensive arrogance in the shape of Jose Mourinho?

One thing we do know however, is that Kiwi bookkeeper Ricki Herbert, would be nowhere to be seen. And while it's not The Ancelottery's place to give advice to our superiors – after all, what do we know about fitness, tactics or Harry Holden's crazy shirt wearing shennanigans? – Chris Greenacre would do well to take heed.

Talking to the World Game about Ricki Herbert's legacy following his "extremely shocking" decision to quit as Wellington head herdsman, Greenacre, the new interim coach of the Funix championed, "If (Ricki) showed his CV to anyone in the world, it's one to be admired. It's up there with the top coaches of the world."

Now we don't mean to be pedantic, but as John Adshead would point out, Herbert's 'unparalleled' CV extends to: twice winning the Chatham Cup, signing referee kissing defender, Cleberson Souza Santos, handing the captain's armband to Ross Aloisi, signing Glen Moss, signing Nicky "Vidal Sassoon" Ward, playing Nicky "Vidal Sassoon" Ward, co-authoring a football biography described by Salient as, "Not ideal for a fan of biographies", and expertly guiding Wellington Funix to a last place position on the A-league ladder after letting the playing group decide to hoof it long.  

“I’ve had a long and very successful tenure at the club and will always be proud of what I have achieved," Herbert said as he stroked his 1999 New Zealand Champions Medal. "But all good things must come to an end and it’s time for new coaching blood and for me to move on to new and exciting challenges". Exciting challenges that will see him advising the board... at Wellington Funix. 

His resignation (or promotion if you're Brisbane Roar) will be a hard loss to take. But Funix fans don't despair! At least you still have Isaka Cernak.

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It's not about the money

It's tough being a Morwell fan at the moment. League away form is nothing short of abysmal, a top six finals finish teeters on a knife-edge, the price of cashmere has skyrocketed in recent weeks, and now Heart CEO Scott Munn is smarting after being "snubbed" by everyone's favourite under-paid defender Luca$$$h Neill.

On Friday, the covetous former Al Wasl defender had a chin wag with John Aloisi and Doug the Pizza Boy and gave them an "old-fashioned handshake agreement" that he would sign for the candy stripes. Sometime between that moment and Saturday evening (after watching the way that Heart "try to play"), Luca$$$h reneged on the aforementioned handshake and decided that he didn't want to move to Bundoora. Not on his dead body. Or even for $100k. Instead he preferred the thought of Tony Piñata's signature on his weekly pay-check.

"When the opportunity became very real to join Bling FC it was a difficult decision," Neill straight-faced to the gathered press, "but (it was) an easy one from a family point of view, as they didn't want to see me suffer the indignity of having to stand in an wheelie bin", he almost said. 

So as Heart miss out on another high profile name, they're forced to doggedly stick to the strict youth policy that has so far earned them a sum total of zero trophies in three years and a squad average age of 42. Carry on boys!

Meanwhile in pie-eating news, Prayag United midfielder The Leaping Esky will be waddling his portly way to Wellington Funix - but only if he can summon up the required energy when the Indian Premier League season concludes in June.

Should Carlos manage to squeeze through the Cake Tin's dressing room door he'll become an "instant fan favourite" according to Kiwi bookkeeper Ricki Herbert. "Carlos is a massive signing," Herbert said, managing to sum up his on-field and off-field presence in one fell swoop.  

Discussing the reasons behind the move kickoffindia.com reported today that, "the Costa Rican player was unhappy with his stay in India and also had fallen with coach Eelco Schattorie."

According to coach Eelco Schattorie, "When I came here, Carlos was not at the peak of his fitness. If we play long ball, Carlos has to run back and forth losing much energy."

The Ancelottery can't for the life of us work out why it didn't work out.

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Mutually Agreed

Two weeks ago, under-fire Perth Glory head coach, Ian Ferguson, insisted there was no problem between himself and Glory owner Tony Sage. ”He’s been very positive and supportive and I’m really happy with where I’m at with him at the moment,” Ferguson chirped whilst gleefully clutching his Tony Sage Fan Club Membership Card. “We talk football and he can see, like everyone else, that we’re just frustrated at the moment… we stay in touch two or three times a week.”

Whilst The Ancelottery wasn’t privy to the pair’s extended chinwag yesterday morning, we can only assume it involved the words, “shower”, “of”, “frustrated” and “shit”. Multiple times.

“(Ian Ferguson) agreed it was unacceptable to be at the bottom of the league with the team that we have,” Sage said to the press, in a procured statement almost as bland and sterile as anything Ferguson’s team have served up under his stewardship. “We are an elite football team. It’s very disappointing. Bottom of the ladder with the team we have assembled is just not acceptable. We mutually agreed it was best for him to go,” Sage saged.

However, Ferguson does deserves some credit - in recent weeks his team were finally starting to find some consistency - managing to lose in all but one of the dour Scotsman’s last seven matches in charge. But for all of Ferguson’s buccaneering ‘hoof-ball’ tactics and his apparent one-man mission to desolate people’s footballing interest in Perth, Glory fans can take some consolation in the fact that the “worldwide hunt” to unveil their next coach won’t culminate in the appointment a dour Scotsman with a penchant for kick and rush hoof-ball. That is unless they employ Mr. Ernest Merrick.

______________________________________________

Jason Culina’s time at Bling FC is up, after the club terminated his contract following a training ground “spat” with Cranky Franky Farina. According to an unnamed Bling FC stool pigeon, the incident saw Culina hurl his toys directly at Farina’s head after being asked to remove his bib and go straight to bed without any dinner.

“Bling FC has agreed to mutually terminate the contract of Jason Culina,” confirmed Tony Piñata, without the merest suggestion of a smile.

“I believe I’ve still got a lot of football left in me. I’m passionate that I want to keep playing,” Culina explained to the gathered press, sparking furious disinterest about his next destination. What with Culina being: (a) a former Socceroo, (b) injury prone, and (c) old, it’s no great surprise that he’s being linked with a move to Morwell Heart. Presumably whereupon signing he can join the orderly queue outside the physio’s room. What a fairytale!

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The Expendables

Upon discovering six days ago that John Kosmina was definitely leaving SAdelaide United because he “got spooked”, board director Bruno Marveggio frantically leapt into action - by sitting down for a lavish lunchtime feast. After the third round of sautéed goose fat & chicken liver canapés, Marveggio wiped his mouth and announced “the assembly of an independent all-star cast.” A crack team of individuals who won’t face Manchester United, or go anywhere near the Hindmarsh playing surface, but rather will investigate the possibility of choosing an elect nonpartisan sub-committee that might be able to concoct a report outlining how the grievances that led to Kossie’s departure might be avoided in the future. Then, right after they’ve finished the sixth round of hors d’œuvre’s and the mariachi band has finished their encore, they may well go through the process of identifying three to five coaching candidates who fit the “club’s philosophy”. Whatever that is.

“We need our new coach to do many things,” Marveggio insisted. “The training methods for the seniors and youth teams must be better. The philosophy also requires a distinctive playing style which we would like to follow. It’s about total football, the modern game, tiki-taka football,” he buzz-worded.

So who’s in this elite band of roguish football-savvy mercenaries all set for one final mission?

Former Liverpool head of fitness and conditioning Darren Burgess has donned his camouflage & face paint and signed up for the cause, as has Wikipedia-friendlyformer Adelaide City player John Perin. An “unnamed SA candidate” is being chased despite claiming to be, “too old for this sh*t”. And fresh from disappointing the children of Kogarah, SBS World Game cheerleader Craig Foster will make some self-aggrandising comments before picking a Spanish guy’s name out of a hat.

Given the fact it’s taken them 6 days to get to this stage, expect the decision to appoint a new coach to be more laboured and drawn out than our mercenary analogy.

Meanwhile philosopher and stand-in coach Michael Valkanis posed some new Carthesian conundrums ahead of Melbourne Victory’s visit on Friday. ”Is the game of football aerobic or explosive?” he asked to a group of gathered academics, before leaving them with the ultimate mystery, “We can go on running at 12km/h all day. (But) Is that football?”

Well is it?

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Hard luck & hypocrisy

August 23, 2011 “It’s not our style [signing a player like Harry Kewell]. For us it’s just about being a club that is built on some pretty strong basics. No single player is bigger than the club and that’s our focus… Victory has taken a different pathway, but our goal is to uncover the next Harry Kewell. Our direction is to bring young talent through. We are in this for the long haul. The circus comes to town and then leaves.” - Morwell Heart CEO Scott Munn

July 2, 2012 “Morwell Heart FC is delighted to confirm the signing of defender Steven Gray (30) for the Hyundai A-League 2012/13 season.”

July 16, 2012 “Heart sends out feelers to tempt striker Michael Owen (33)” - The Age

July 23, 2012 “Morwell Heart have bolstered their attacking arsenal with the signing of Dylan Macallister (30).” - Herald Sun

August 23, 2012 “Morwell Heart is poised to sign former Socceroo Richard Garcia, subject to the injury-plagued 30-year-old passing a medical.” - The Age

September 22, 2012 “Of course we’d want a player of Michael Ballack’s (36) class and quality, but we have a clear plan and clear demonstration of youth development.” - Heart CEO Scott Munn. 

October 16, 2012 “Morwell Heart have confirmed they have signed former Socceroo Vince Grella (33) on a one-year deal.” - Morwell Heart FC Press Release

November 20, 2012 “Morwell Heart will today lodge what it claims is a compelling offer to lure English football star David Beckham (37) to the A-League club.” - Herald Sun

November 21, 2012 "Morwell Heart last night submitted a bid for superstar David Beckham. The Herald Sun understands Heart has tabled an $1.7 million offer for a 10-game guest player appearance from January 18."

November 22, 2012 “Harry Kewell is a fantastic footballer, but you can’t compare him to David Beckham on the world stage. He (Beckham) is, apart from Lionel Messi, the biggest name in the game and would be a fantastic asset.” - Heart CEO Scott Munn.

December 21, 2012 "Some may define clubs by their win-loss record in any given season or by bums on seats on any given week. Heart knows these metrics will fluctuate in the short-term, so our vision must go beyond this. We must build beyond winning at all costs and seeking short-term gimmickry to spike crowds because we believe in what we are building." - Heart Head Coach John Aloisi. 

January 28, 2013 "Morwell Heart FC confirms Vince Grella (33) will retire from professional football effective immediately." - Morwell Heart FC Press Release

February 1, 2013 "Heart has enquired about uncontracted Socceroo left back David Carney (30)" - Herald Sun

February 1, 2013 "Former England captain David Beckham has given the A-League a miss and is set to join big-spending French side Paris St Germain" - The Age

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Exit Through The Gift Shop

In his sensational new role as unemployed coffee connoisseur, John Kosmina yesterday released an EXCLUSIVE! statement to footballaustralia.com.au to announce his immediate resignation from Badelaide United because the club has "no direction" and "lacks trust".

"There is no vision. Decision-making at management level is reactive and impulsive at best, and there is no consistency in managerial procedure," Kosmina whined, waving his rattle most impressively. "There is far too much whispering in corridors and around corners," the pimple-squeezing adolescent complained. 

Right after Badelaide chairman Greg Griffin had found out who John Kosmina was, it wasn't long before he popped up with a string of footballing clichés. "I'm amazed by the decision. I literally have no idea what he's on about," Griffin exclaimed. "I'm very surprised with the way the story has unfolded, to say we are amazed with an alleged lack of trust is very, very significant."

All of which left The Ancelottery pondering whether Kossie will find the "direction" he so craves sitting on a stool in a cold air conditioned TV studio mumbling about Sergio van Dijk. 

SORENESS KNACK ATTACK

Italy's Vincenzo Grella has retired from professional football, something The Ancelottery assumed had happened sometime around 2008, but in fact clearly only did so at 16:02.08 yesterday. In honour of Vinnie's "indelible footprint on the competition", we thought we'd take a look back at his illustrious A-league career:

Sat 26 Jan 2013, Unicorns v Morwell Hypocrites at Parramatta Stadium

68 min: Heart make a substitution. Jonatan Germano is replaced by Vince Grella.

82 min: Melbourne Heart foul. Vince Grella concedes a free kick for tripping Shinji Ono.

92 min: Melbourne Heart foul. Vince Grella concedes a free kick for charging Dino Kresinger.

Rumours persisted last night that Morwell fans were planning on retiring the number 31 shirt in honour of his resplendent time at the club.

Fronting the media this morning at the Bundoora Campus, Grella explained, "For me now it’s just about having a couple of months off to freshen up in the mind" -  something, we're sure you'll agree, that no one can begrudge him of after 26 minutes of game time at a rate of $65 per second. Consign that man to two months of inertia.

Meanwhile Morwell Heart today confirmed the transfer of narcissism's AzizBehich.com to Turkish outfit, Bursaspor. Tearfully stroking a photograph of the former Heart player, John Aloisi said, "It hurts to lose him, but how can you stand in the way of a player fulfilling his dreams?"

Ironically, Perth Glory coach Iain Ferguson said exactly the same thing about the impending departure of Bas van den Brink to Indian club, Churchill Brothers. "It's an opportunity for a player to move overseas", Ferguson said in a not-at-all-stating-the-obvious kind of way. 

"You have to make decisions that are good for yourself," van den Brink reasoned, presumably thinking of the big-name superstars that he'll now be rubbing shoulders with - names like Gouramangi Singh, Tomba Singh, Thangjam Singh, Bikramjit Singh, Gurtej Singh, Ajay Singh, Amandeep Singh and Carlos Hernandez.

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Sadistic serial killers & Isaka Cernak

So, you’re the chairman of an A-league club in a country where interest in football could be described as, ‘modest at best’. You’re already competing for business and support with many wealthy, much more fashionable and successful clubs, usually of the egg-chasing variety. Your team is bottom of the ladder, having lost four games on-the-trot, most recently in a 7-1 dismantling by Bling FC (Bling FC!). You need a strategy to build supporter confidence, sell more tickets and get extra shirtless people into the cake tin. Hmmm... What to do? What to do?

For the more creative marketing student out there, there are no end of options, like the “crazy” idea of reducing your ticket prices, the “off-the-wall” notion of community engagement or the “barmy” concept of running kids coaching clinics. Alternatively of course, there’s the more obvious, standard ploy of accusing your fan base of being “pathetic” and not knowing “much about the game anyway.”

Wellington Funix chairman, Gareth “Publicity” Morgan, this week took time out from his busy schedule of eradicating furry domesticated felines to talk with Radio Sport about the selfish Funix followers who “simply look at the league table” and “think only of themselves.” How dare you Funix fans!?! Don’t you understand that the basis of professional sport is not simply about winning? It’s about the “bigger picture.” You know, the ‘bigger picture’ where you: (a) publicly acknowledge that your team’s not very good, (b) emasculate the coach by trying to force a new playing style on the team mid-season and creepily watch over training sessions, (c) publicly chastise the fans for having the audacity to want “instant gratification” in return for the hard-earned dollars they hand over each week (we haven’t seen supporter engagement like that since Clive Parmigiana put down his chicken drumstick for long enough to call soccer “hopeless”), and (d) sign Isaka Cernak.

Cernak’s signature came about after Ange Postecoglou grabbed a copy of Petar Franjic’s “thanks but no thanks” letter from the filing cabinet, attacked it with Wite-Out® and headed down to the office photocopier.

“(Insert under-performing name here) has been a total professional during his time here at Melbourne Victory, but unfortunately things haven’t worked out for him as he’d have liked. We wish him all the best for the future,” a club statement stated this afternoon. Look out for Cernak in Wellington’s 2-1 loss to Newcastle Jets at the weekend.