I guess I’m writing this here in hopes you’ll never get the vindication of believing you were right to do the things you did to me, dropping me like hot scum.
But I need this. Out there. Somewhere.
The dissolution of our relationship had in great part to do with my own trauma of feeling second best and not good enough.
This isn’t blame. This is sourcing. After you cheated, twice, I said I forgave and I did. But I didn’t trust. When I said I did. I didn’t trust you that you truly chose me anymore.
I didn’t realize it then but I was angry. And it grew. Every time something happened with you that was out of my control, it grew. One of the origins of anger is a loss of control, at least that’s what my therapist says.
What I’ve always prided myself on was my ability to communicate frankly. It’s not an excuse but I loved you so so much. I was so scared of losing you that I was willing to censor myself for assurances you’d still be mine.
When I look back, I don’t know that there was anything you could have done to make me feel enough; that comes from me.
Now, I think there were a lot of reasons things went wrong. I’m past trying to point it out, find the crux, that breaking point. But I wasn’t happy with my life, not in the way I wanted to project.
But now, I’m making nearly six figures, starting my career, succeeding in all my side jobs, writing often, reading more so, climbing even more than that. Would I give this all up to have you back again? That’s hard to say.
Probably not. Not because I want this life without you, but because this is the me you deserved back then. The me that wants to take care of all those real life responsibilities so you can live your dream.
The me that misses her babygirl and has to stop from buying a new stuffie each week. The me that brings flowers and chocolate. The me that wants a family, that wants to take care of that family. To protect you. Fight your demons with you.
Would I go back if I could? Maybe only to say: “I’m sorry, I love you, I’ll always love you”. There’s no going back though, is there? So what can I do? I can outlet these caregiver feelings. I can continue to be a better me.
I can continue to hope that you’re happy and safe and well. I can hope you find healing and a better you. I can support you if only in my heart. So to that end, I say:
I’ll always love you, sweet girl.
andulkaphoto
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