Ancient Art Fails

Hilarious historical faces. Art that should have been lost in time

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I love the gormless, ugly faces found in Medieval architecture. This is apparently a young female face, taken from the 12th century stonework of Salisbury Cathedral, now in the Salisbury Museum www.instagram.com/ancient_art_fails

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Face Jugs, or anthropomorphic vessels were popular in medieval England, and often look pretty entertaining and poorly made. This is a particularly crap example found in Winchester Museum

Www.instagram.com/ancient_art_fails

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Ancient Art Fails has arrived on Instagram

For more frequent posts, a new look and the latest info on the featured artefacts, join me at https://www.instagram.com/ancient_art_fails/ 😊

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When you can't be bothered with petty details like "hands" or "facial features" Ancient Egyptian model boat, depicting the funeral passage of the mummy to its final resting place. First intermediate period (2181 - 2055 BC) Ashmolean Museum, Oxford

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The Kouros of Tenea is a pretty hilarious example of the ‘Archaic Smile’, a particular favourite sculptural style of mine. It was used by Greek Archaic sculptors (esp in the second quarter of the 6th century BC) possibly to suggest that their subject was alive and healthy. A Kouros statue embodied the perfect male youth. This Kouros was created in North-East Peloponnese c.560 BC.  

Does anyone else get a hint of Mr Bean?

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Medieval Emoticons

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>:-(

:P

:3

:D

:>

(⊙＿⊙)  :|

XD

:O

:-0  :-/

}8-) 

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This tumblr is an absolute goldmine for Medieval art fails, definitely worth a look

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The rib bone is connected to the...weird torso bone. Although not exactly an anatomical work of art, this little guy is quite charming. 

Found in Pompeii, c.2000 years old, he probably formed the ornate (haha) centrepiece of the dining room floor, the emblema. Skeleton images appeared frequently throughout Pompeii, reminding the Romans to 'seize the day' and live life to the full, since death could be just around the corner.

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Silence...

Sorry for the lack of posts for ages now - my hard drive died, taking many a future post with it. But I’m working on it! In the meantime, if you’ve spotted an ancient art fail, please feel free to share :)

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This is the tomb of Lady Joan Young (died 1603), spotted in Bristol Cathedral. She died at the impressive age of 70, and had nine children.

I wonder which of her children thought it would tasteful to give these....angels such unnecessarily prominent jugs. Breasts aside, this is not exactly the expression that comes to mind when I picture a beautiful, serene angel.

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Is it a pig? Is it a cow? Is it a lovable childrens tv character? Is is a crap mothers day present the kids brought home in ancient times? Who can say.

What we do know is that this is a rhyton (a vessel with ritual connotations from which fluids, especially wine, were drunk or poured in a ceremony as libation) from the Sasanian dynasty, in Ancient Iran 224-651 AD. Spotted in the Ashmolean Museum, Oxford.

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This is the tomb of David and Ann Phelips, 1484, which I spotted in the village church of Montacute, Somerset. The Phelips family had lived in Montacute from at least 1460 to 1911 and owned a (still very impressive) manor house there.

Such a shame they didn’t put some of that great wealth aside for a decent stone mason! What went wrong? The bodies look fine…

The ‘expectation’ photo is of their forward-planning relatives, placed some 100 years later

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Although not an art fail as such, I had to share this funny little guy who looks like he's being trodden on! The British Museum is always good for a laugh Made by the Huaxtec/Huastec people of Mexico (AD 900-1450), the figure is a mythical turtle being.... Although I've personally never seen a turtle wear makeup

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Ooh, so many new followers! Cheers chaps, I'm as happy as this pair of friendly looking angels from Reims Cathedral, France

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Hey art fail fans, sorry for the lack of posts - I've been busy on excavations hoping to unearth an archaeo-lol of my very own! In the meantime, the ancient Egyptians once again prove themselves as the most prolific art fail producers. Spotted this jar from the pre-dynastic period depicting....erm...any ideas? At the Ashmolean Museum, Oxford

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I came across this beaming smile at the Ashmolean Museum, Oxford. It is the huge lid of the +2 metre tall sarcophagus of a man called Ptahhotep, the Steward of the Treasury dating from the 26th dynasty, discovered in Giza. Ancient Egyptian artefacts continue to be a great source of fun. I really hope this is what the guy looked like

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These exceptional mosaics can be found in Bignor Roman Villa, in West Sussex, and are some of the finest ones surviving in situ in the UK....  That is what makes the final image so entertaining. Surrounded by such fabulous works of art is this little guy, supposedly one of the Four Seasons (a common mosaic theme in Romano-Britain). I couldn't tell you which season he is though...maybe summer as it would explain the red, sunburnt nose?

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This was found in Tarragona Cathedral, Spain by a frequent artfail spotter.

Apparently, the rest of the carving was exquisite, which makes it all the funnier. Imagine spending ages creating a sculpture, leaving the difficult face til last, and then finally stepping back and realising that you've made a hash of the eyes