Declare His glory and His marvelous works

Psalms 96:3-4

[and-above-all-else]

What Will Last

Today was another reminder that this earth is perishable and the work on this earth is futile, endless and empty.

And how the resurrection of the dead frames how we view this second job, as dignified and with purpose as it is.

What will last is the work of the Lord, which is the salvation of lost souls and building up of the church.

1 Cor 15

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Session #1

Today was the first counselling session that I went for, under the EAP with my company.

Why: The reasons why I decided to go for the counselling sessions were namely 1. Have someone to process my thoughts & emotions in a way that most of my friends and peers are unable to 2. To gain clarity on what my triggers are & how I cope mentally and emotionally 3. To have better decision making processes about what boundaries I should draw and how I can cope better

The thought first came after my conversations with Dev, Vernon and Ruth and how helpful those were in providing some direction and clarity, compared to other friends and peers who were more sounding boards for me to verbalise my thoughts and rationalise things.

To be honest, I was keener to do it in February when the thought first came, but over time, the keenness faded and thoughts like "If I am doing okay now, do I really need to go for counselling?"

A friend whom I shared this with made a comment that it is precisely when we are doing okay that we should start because our mental resources are able to deal with things better.

So after observing a series of low-Mondays, that compelled me to register for a session before things get worse emotionally or mentally.

Before the session: Not gonna lie, I did wonder how helpful it will be and what kind of preparation I will need to make the most of my time. I also did not really have time to think about it because I was quite caught up with church camp planning.

But in the few minutes before the counsellor came in, I managed to type out some of the goals that I would like to the sessions to achieve.

During the session: Of course the tears flowed as my body's response to some of the emotions or thoughts I had.

There were a few times where I caught myself thinking that these were the exact thing that I would have said or asked my students in my sessions too, so it was a novel experience being on the receiving end of something like this.

The session was filled with probing questions to clarify my thoughts and the things I was saying, including things like trying to put a picture to it or to narrow it down to some keywords. There were times when I found it hard to put my thoughts into words or I had no words because it just never occurred to me or I never had such a thought or thought about it that way. But I also recognised that this was exactly what I signed up for to have a professional and neutral perspective on my life, thoughts and emotions.

I think I also felt safe enough, or maybe am somewhat desperate enough to want things to work out for the better, so part of me was more motivated so I walk out of this whole season "better."

Takeaways: 1. My responses to stressors or problems are fight, flight and freeze responses and that is normal.

2. The imagery of the beach is symbolic and calming to me.

3. The themes of "feeling overwhelmed" and "doing" kept coming up.

4. There is something about the office that triggers a certain perspective and emotion in me.

5. I value flexibility, autonomy and control in my work. That means that while the current role has some of a fit for me (hence I could stay for so long), some parts of it are also a misfit.

At the end of the session, the counsellor also gave me some things to think about, particularly, what "sitting" means and what "do not disturb" looks like in my life. It might be quite tough to do that in the next few weeks because of the activities, but we shall see how things go.

[and-above-all-else]

Mondays

It suddenly dawned on me 2 days ago that I tended to be low in mood on Mondays particularly. It could be the fact that the weekends are usually packed with activity and social interactions, so my body is buzzing with the energy and adrenaline but there is no chance to wind down well on Monday because I have to go back to work, and maybe somehow over time, my body is no longer able to process and reduce these chemicals well.

Whatever the reason is, it made me decide to use an application to track my mood so that there is data for me to analyse (my professors must be proud) rather than go with my gut.

[and-above-all-else]

Lie: I am All Alone

It is not the first time that I felt like that today. I probably felt it a ton in my younger youthful days (as my blog then would tell & this led me down the rabbit hole of trying to retrieve my blogspot account).

But felt particularly strong about it today for a reason I don't comprehend. That feeling of being alone, that there is no one there to provide the emotional support and we can only count on ourselves, that people will only disappoint, and this only spirals downwards. Had to keep telling myself that these are lies and I went back to reading the chapter about the lie of being alone in "Hope in an Anxious World" because I needed to preach these truths to myself and cling onto the thing that I know is true.

The feeling was so strong and I suddenly got so scared that my thoughts and emotions will spiral out of control, that I went to submit the enquiry for counselling.

Part of me also worries that the frequency of me feeling that I need help/very strong and intense negative emotions is getting higher and the interval between each wave/episode of this is getting shorter.

God help me.

[and-above-all-else]

Re-Election 2024

I told myself that I wanted to pen down my thoughts and entire decision making process as a reflection so I can refer to it again on hindsight, to either encourage and preach truths to myself or see how much I have grown or change through the years.

Since January 2024, the topic of re-election has been at the back of my mind, because the pastors have brought it up in our conversations.

So 1 month ago, on 18 February 2024, Dev and I had a talk in the middle of the fellowship hall about re-election for deaconship. I had initially prepared a 3 point sermon as part of my processing and so I will be able to articulate my thoughts well. However, before I could even get past the first point, the tears just kept flowing and the other 2 points never really came out in as much depth as the first.

My 3 point sermon was

1. Fear of burn out

Given the rate of ministry and the rhythm of being a deacon plus having a full time job made it hard to rest physically and spiritually. Not having a full-time staff also made being a deacon more demanding. Additionally, work was more demanding, emotionally and in terms of responsibilities. But I was clear that I was not stepping down so I could give more of my time to work, but as a recalibration of the work-ministry rhythm and find a more sustainable balance. There has also been a lingering thought that I may want to see someone with a more professional skill set to talk through these things or someone with lived experiences, because I realised that talking to some friends about it was more draining than helpful.

Side note, ever since my conversation with Dev, I have also limited this conversation to people whom I know can encourage me or help me process things well.

2. Identity

I was worried that the title of a deacon confounded my identity in Christ and in the church. I was also worried that I would not be able to set aside the title of a deacon the longer that I hold this position, and it erodes the purpose and function of this role eventually. So in my mind, the earlier I walk away from it, or if I am able to let it go, the healthier it would be for me.

3. Source of Joy

I was also acutely aware that in 2023, the joy in serving has been decreasing and even dread started to creep in. It could be a culmination of factors, AG25, Covid-19, transitions between school and work. But that was a warning sign to me that things were not right in my heart and perspectives and I needed to sort it out.

And that was how I arrived at an almost 100% no as an answer. I was even questioning the pastors why they would recommend being a deacon instead of other ways of serving and if there are other ways of refining and transforming in godliness?

But in any case, through the tears rolling down my cheeks, there were a couple of things that Dev said that I found helpful

1. Even if I were to step down, I needed to have safeguards to ensure that I am not falling off a cliff

2. He highly encouraged me to continue on, but take a step back with Debbie coming on board

3. He also brought up speaking to others who have gone before me to learn from their experience

I also spoke to Ruth and Vernon separately (and somehow got better at being able to articulate my thoughts without bursting into tears). But it was ultimately reading the book "Serving Without Sinking" that helped bring me back to the basics and reframed my perspectives.

Being the bride and preparing my own wedding dress for the Wedding Feast

“The righteous deeds of the saints—the good things we do in the service of Jesus—are a huge investment of our time, money, sweat and even sometimes tears. And they are meant to be a delight to us. They are our wedding dress. They are our glory. They are Jesus’ gift to us, because He has broken with tradition and not only seen the dress, but made it Himself as beautifully as only the Creator of sunsets and stars can.”

This was quite an awakening of sorts, that the good things we do in service of Jesus are our wedding dresses and in preparation for the Wedding Feast.

"Although we are a royal bride, we are still grubby. We are a long way from living out what it means to be the bride of Christ. So Jesus goes on transforming us; He goes on cleaning us. He marries us as we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way.”

And each time we choose to do something in service of Jesus, it is an opportunity to learn to serve the Husband as a wife, serving the Husband who loves his undeserving bride.

2. Being part of the family business, and how God enjoys having his children working alongside him in helping in his building project

“We get to be with God as He works. We get to be part of how God works. We get God.”

“We get to work with our heavenly Father. Not because He needs our help (remember Daisy and me), but because He enjoys our company. He gives us the privilege of being part of what He is up to. He helps us and gives us the Holy Spirit and covers over our mistakes. He loves us working with Him because He loves us."

3. Gifts vs Chores

It took me a while to wrestle with this, and it was quite a drastic reframing of how I view the gifts that God has given me.

Not going to deny, there are aspects of being a deaconess that I dread and dislike. There are times where I grumble about how I don’t want to do things but I have to do them because there is no one else to do it or because it is a responsibility or obligation. Basically seeing it as a chore or something that I do begrudgingly.

But I soon came to an appreciation and understanding that being gifted with the specific gifts of administration/planning/leading/other things that I may not be conscious of, is always a gift from God. That it could be a gift that I have yet to unwrap, and that it is a gift to be enjoyed with the rest of the spiritual family and to be used relationally, to help one another and to cause us to rely on one another as part of the body.

“In other words, being able to serve in the ways you do is a good gift from your Father. What we sometimes think of as chores to be done, the Father thinks of as gifts to be unwrapped.”

“God’s gifts do not work by themselves. They rely on the context of the church body. And in needing this unity, they help to create it. They make it obvious to everyone that we need each other. They cut against the individualism of sinful selfishness and make us enjoy being part of Jesus’ body, the church.

Perhaps next time you are using an ability or circumstance that God has given you to serve someone else, it’s worth remembering that the Spirit could have simply given them that time, or money, or upbeat nature, or physical strength, or whatever. He didn’t. He chose to give it to you, so that you could give it to them. That’s a gift to you, as well as to them.”

So even if the gifts can feel terribly hard to use, hard to love having them, or when it is a struggle to enjoy them, God’s gifts are good “because they draw us to Him. He is the greatest treasure we can have, and He will draw us closer and closer to Him.” And he uses the harder ones to do this.

“If the gift feels bad, we need to unwrap it more and see that it is given to draw us to Jesus. If we were only given gifts which enabled us to serve in ways we naturally found easy or fun, we wouldn’t learn to depend on Jesus, to lean on Jesus, to ask Him for help. We need gifts and service that lead us to draw closer to Jesus. That’s what a naturally unwanted gift can do, as long as we don’t look at it and think that God must be cold “hearted to give us what we didn’t ask for.

Hard gifts are good gifts because they draw us to Christ. And hard gifts are good gifts because they make us more like Christ.”

“The gift is good not because of what it is, but because of who gives it and what He gives it for. ”

And this work will last eternally if it goes into his temple building project.

And that was how in 1 month, I made a complete U-turn on my decision and found myself committing to another 3 years at least to being part of this family business of God's building project and preparing my own wedding dress. The rationale part of me asked for greater clarity in roles when I told the pastors my decision, while I was mentally bracing myself for the pains, sweat, tears and toil of ministry.

But unexpectedly, there was a sense of peace and acceptance that this is the way that God has chosen for me to live out in obedience to him.

[and-above-all-else]

Win at Work

I had such a win at work on Thursday, 7 March 2024, and it made me feel like I could keep going or maybe hint at a new direction of working closer with parents.

So on Thursday, I had multiple parenting sessions today and I over-ran by 30 minutes before I could meet this particular pair of parents. and the mum actually asked me last week if I could consider seeing her son instead of meeting her because they missed 1 lesson. But I told her no and I needed to meet her as part of the programme.

So I kinda felt even worse for over-running and was mentally prepared to make up for the 30 minutes. At like 12.45pm, she commented "Oh so sorry we took up so much of your time. But you know, before today, I was wondering why you needed to see us when you could see my son instead. Now, I know I needed this 1 hour with you even more than him."

Fast forward to end of the week, and I met another 2 sets of parents who thanked me for meeting them and giving helpful advice and direction as they navigate what is best for their child,

Ngl, meeting with so many parents over 2 days at such intensity was very draining and it made my body rush with adrenaline and cortisol.

But also recording this so that I can remember this high because it’s not just about a feeling of accomplishment, but a real impact that changes and touches lives. And it is a reminder so that I won't be too discouraged when I don’t feel this way on more mundane and admin-filled days :)

[and-above-all-else]

Zeal without Burnout

I started reading this book again today, 5 February 2024, as I begin to more seriously ponder about the upcoming re-election.

I have been asked to consider re-election and at least stay one more year in CM to keep things stable until the new apprentice is more settled in and have a decent understanding of the workings of the ministry.

Not gonna lie, that was a relief and comfort in hearing that. Relief that it is recognised that I should not be tied to a particular ministry just because I can keep it going and have specific and relevant skillsets. Comfort came from knowing that I am still needed and useful in this Kingdom work still, even though there is someone else coming in. There was also a tinge of fear and uncertainty, because while I requested to tap out eventually because I do not want to be identified solely as the CM person, I have to figure out what else to devote my attention and time to now. What an irony.

I also decided to chronicle the back-and-forth process, swaying and wavering when I lean towards 1 choice, and basically being torn and confused through it all. Hopefully it helps me articulate the reasons for my decisions well as I gain clarity hopefully.

Re-reading this book has been quite helpful in unpacking some of the unhelpful and un-Godly mindsets that might have perhaps creeped in my zeal to keep going for the Gospel work to build God's church.

It is not the first time that someone has brought up the possibility of burnout to me, that I might be working to the point where my body can't take it anymore (and hence all the sick days) and constant mental & physical exhaustion that I feel.

Alison's story from the book struck me quite a bit, that it is hard to get someone to slow down when they are passionate about their ministry, and how easy it can be to allow our passion for ministry to overtake other issues, and making it easier to make unwise choices. Especially when there is no one at home to see the late nights and toll they were taking.

To be honest, that is quite scary and the fact that burnout or depression can hit someone, was a rude awakening because that could be me. Or even, that it might be me now. Especially since quite a number of my social meet ups have to be planned 1-2 months ahead, and how my schedule looks like when I was thinking about whether I should join AG50's core.

Which is why, at this very moment, I am leaning towards not standing for re-election or at the very least, staying for 1 more year and asking for a sabbatical for the second year (if that is even possible). And maybe cutting off the title of a leader will be freeing. Or not, when I get all confused about how to spend my time wisely and for the work of ministry.

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We are Creatures of Dust

“When you and I surrendered to Jesus as Lord, we did not offer him the services of a divine, or even semi-divine creature to strengthen his kingdom; we offer him the fragile, temporary, mortal, frail life that he has first given to us. That is all we have to offer. God knows that.

For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103 v 14

God is under no illusions about who he is getting on his team.

Zeal without Burnout Christopher Ash

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Sacrifice is not the same as Burnout

“There’s always more we can do in ministry, but God is not asking “Can you do more?”. He is asking “Do you love me?” Some of those extras are not always as vital as we think them to be.”

Zeal without Burnout Christopher Ash

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Fridays & What is Life?

I was just lamenting to my sister how this was only the second week of 2024 and that I am already exhausted and heavily reliant on caffeine to get me through the day.

I was also bemoaning and lamenting to some friends how 12 January 2024 was merely the second Friday of the year, but I am already working beyond my official work hours (both morning and night) and getting sucked into this relentless rat race of churning out numbers and outcomes. To what end and for what purposes are we doing the things we do at work? I know that this a badge of honour that I do not seek but why do I make choices that seem to suggest that?

The perennial question of how life-giving work is persists, especially when it sucks so much life out of me.

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Grief and Regret

I have never really talked about this in public because of the sensitivity surrounding such a topic. But I wish we also have more conversations about the grief and regret surrounding leaving a community. Or more people coming alongside to support and sit with the conflating feelings.

I guess I am also recognising that every time I meet someone from 25, I go through another round of processing grief and regret. Someone told me that the feelings and thoughts I have is like going through a bad break-up. I also liken this whole journey as processing grief and loss. Grief because relationships are broken, people are sinful and that everyone's experience and perspectives of church are not necessarily shaped by God's word. The regret stems from seeing the gaps and need for discipleship/journeying alongside others in the ag, and recognising that I did not have sufficient capacity to do that for many others.

Praying that God will help me use this grief & regret well, instead of wallowing in sadness and hopelessness. Praying that we keep our eyes on Jesus so that we can have his heart for His church.

[and-above-all-else]

More reflections and thinking on my way to work as the year comes to an end. A friend asked me what I thought about Hebrews as we completed a year’s long of study in it. That was when it kind of dawned on me that I started the year in 1 AG and ended the year in another.

At the start of 2023, I never expected that I will come to the decision of leaving the AG, in spite of the challenges and discouragement faced. Of course I had been asked before to think about whether it was good for my spiritual well-being to keep going, and for a while, my answer had been that I had more to give and I was receiving spiritual encouragement elsewhere. But the ongoing conversations in January eventually led me to realise that as much as I could continue giving, I would be walking on eggshells because of the complexity of being both a friend and sister-in-Christ. The gradual shift in mindset about church and community over time (exacerbated by Covid-19) led to differences and barriers in understanding about the decisions that I make, the people and things I choose to invest time and energy to, and I found it increasingly hard to feel supported and accepted for it. The other tension was the balance between being a friend along this life journey and challenging others to look at the Bible and live as Christ did. The pain of conversations that were “us vs them” and calling me “them,” misunderstanding my intentions when I pushed for getting the help from pastors, misperceiving my decision to stay at the then 5pm congregation as being stuck, and feeling like I have to defend the leadership’s decisions or be their mouthpiece/target during difficult conversations all contributed to the feeling of lack of support.

As I told some people my decision, I was asked “what did we do wrong” and while that broke my heart a little, it also did not feel like the right time to be completely honest about my reasons.

7 months on, I still feel somewhat awkward whenever people from the previous AG ask how I am doing in the new AG. Having to navigate being authentic while mindful of their feelings has been tricky, and it varies from people to people. A part of me also feels that it is about time to reach out and attempt to maintain/restore the friendships since some time has passed, and we shall see how that goes. The recent 2 weddings have been helpful, in creating opportunities for organic conversations, and helping me to come to a better closure. It felt less like walking on eggshells and more like friends.

7 months on in the new AG, and I think I am still finding my footing and place. But I guess that is another reflection for another time.

[and-above-all-else]

As always, I yearn to be more consistent with journaling and mindful of my thoughts, but somehow got distracted or caught up with other things in life.

But here are some thoughts that I have been ruminating over the past few weeks

1. I have been considering if my time in this current role at work is up. The feeling that I have reached some plateau in skillsets and cruising along is something that I have been wrestling with, and if I were to look back at this year, I don’t think I have grown in any particular way at work. Yet, I am also aware that growth does not always need to happen or happens in a fixed way. Additionally, I am also considering if it is okay to be cruising along, because that frees up my capacity for more ministry.

I am also considering the impact of the work of my hands. While individual lives are changed through the intervention sessions I have, can I do more or help a greater number of children and families?

2. I have been wondering why ministry has felt so tiring in particular this year. Was it the accumulation of fatigue from the tumultuous and constant changes during Covid-19, or my transition to putting more hours at work, or because there is no longer a CM staff at the 4.30 congregation, or was it because I am losing my first love like the Ephesus church? The fear of what will happen to how I live my life and spend my time, if I walk away from an official position in ministry, is also real.

I also recognise the grumblings in my heart, as I labour on in this ministry. While I am still functional and still somewhat effective (?), will my heart and relationship with God be better off if I am to take a break from ministry and the structures that keep me somewhat accountable still? I hope I do not lose sight of what is important and the joy we have in knowing Jesus through the valleys and loneliness in ministry.

[and-above-all-else]

Do the Next Thing

From an old English parsonage, down by the sea, There came in the twilight a message for me; Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven, It has, seems to me, God’s teaching from Heaven. And on through the hours the quiet words ring, Like a low inspiration: DO THE NEXT THING.

Many a questioning, many a fear, Many a doubt has its quieting here. Moment by moment, let down from Heaven, Time, opportunity, guidance are given. Fear not tomorrows, child of the King, Trust them with Jesus. DO THE NEXT THING.

Do it immediately; do it with prayer; Do it reliantly, casting all care; Do it with reverence, tracing Christ’s hand Who placed it before you with earnest command, Stayed on His omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing, Leave all resultings. DO THE NEXT THING.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener, Working or suffering, let this be your demeanor. In His dear presence, the rest of His calm, Let the light of Christ’s countenance be your psalm. Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing! Then, as He commands you, DO THE NEXT THING.

- Author Unknown

[and-above-all-else]

Honestly, this may be one of the hardest and most painful decisions I had to make. Yet, the decision was clear and there was no doubt that I had to do this.

I also find that over the years, as I got busier and with less time to myself, it is harder to be consistent and attuned to my thoughts and feelings. But I felt that I needed to put this into words so that I can put a proper closure to this season of my life. And to also articulate this when I get asked by others.

Why did I choose to leave?

1. Support

The lack of support and pointing back to Jesus and God’s word were things that I found missing in the AG, especially after the Covid years, when we were in smaller congregations. Most of the time, it was a small group of people at the service, especially when we committed to the 5PM service, and mostly the AG leaders and core. That was also a tumultuous time, after the pandemonium caused by Covid, with starting things from scratch and finding our place and community in the new service. Parallel to that, was the setting of tone for the new congregation, which encouraged deeper relationships and being intentional with the people within the congregation. So as we spend more Sundays as a new 5PM congregation, I got to know others in the congregation and found support in fellow leaders in the congregation and others.

The contrast between the support from AG25 and from the congregation grew greater over the 2 years of the 5PM congregation. Although there is friendship in AG25, most conversations with them when it came to church and spiritual well-being became conversations where I had to look out for, encourage and challenge them, while not receiving that for myself. Initially, I thought that would be manageable because you cannot expect all relationships to be equal. However, over time, I felt that people in the AG were not as concerned about my own spiritual well-being and encouragement as they grew distant, jaded and seemingly hard-hearted when it came to the congregation model, bible studies and the direction that the church was going. In contrast, the solidarity and unity even with people I am not as familiar with, grew clearer and became a source of encouragement.

This was further amplified during bigger church events, where people in the AG were barely present and I was usually attending these events alone (E.g. anniversary, Christmas service). Not gonna lie, that kind of loneliness from the absence of community hits hard.

There were things said such as “Ask Cass, she is one of them” or “I wanted to ask you whether you forever stuck at 5pm service?” that became words of discouragement and hurt. I felt misunderstood and it was “us vs them/church leaders” even though I saw myself as a peer/friend before a leader of the church.

2. Understanding of church and community

In 2022, the attendance of the AG dipped significantly (to the point of having 0 attendance) and in our discussion internally and with VQ, most of the core said that we were discouraged and leaning towards the thinking that we cannot sustain with keeping the AG going and that the AG may not be sustainable. We decided to have conversations with some in the AG about this and through the conversations, it became apparent that our ideas of what AG should be were incongruent.

Some of the things that came out in the conversation were that AG is like family and we don’t leave our families, can the AG be anything for everyone, can we focus on socials over bible studies, not feeling safe because people attending the AG are not the same each week or familiar, and not having a consensus on what growth looks like. As the discussion went on, the dissonance in me grew and I felt increasingly dissatisfied with clinging onto comfort or familiarity over God and his word, and that anything that challenged or threatened that was rejected. What also stood out to me was that no one asked how John would continue leading knowing that he is a new father and that there was only 1 leader.

It was a statement (”Then you just leave first, so that people see that the AG is not working out.”) said to me that got me thinking that it was time to leave. And that meeting set me on that path.

3. Being unable to minister to someone whom I considered a gospel partner

This was only something that I found out in February 2023, where the fellow female gospel partner in the AG shared that she found it hard to trust me because of some of the things that I say for a while. Things like “If it is beyond us, let’s ask the Pastors to help” or “baggage.”

For me, that was the last straw. I get that it will be hard to minister to people in the AG but I think it will be an ineffective ministry if I can’t minister to the partner in the AG.

What were the challenges in leaving?

The biggest challenge in leaving was how the reasons were to be communicated and how to close this chapter well, without stumbling others. Some words were hard to say, but how do I hold the balance between being authentic and discerning about what is most helpful to the spiritual well-being of others.

Some conversations were also hard to have, and how do I keep myself from crying and being unclear in my reasons.

What about now?

The contrast of milk versus solid food was stark when I started attending the new AG. The depth of the way the bible shapes our perspective and sharing was clearly different. However, the dynamics and finding my footing in a new community is quite destabilising and I found myself wishing for certain things, which I worry is not a healthy or good reflection of God’s community.

But I guess this is a journey of faith and trust, not in the people I am surrounded by, but who holds my life and hand on this side of eternity.

[and-above-all-else]

Gather for worship and scatter for witness

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It is okay to be small.

Smallness is a posture of the heart that we take on each day. Rather than stressing out to stake our claim or secure our place of greatness, we know who is already there. Our position of humility in the shadow of His great power is one of relief and freedom because He is near, He fulfils, He hears, He saves. When we behold God’s glory in creation, we better understand His greatness in and through our smallness