the thing is, Diluc realizes, that in their youth and childhood years they haven't been really arguing. not really. bickering, sure. some back and forth, couple of insults here and there, but that was just teasing, harmless, easy to recover from.
and, well... one time they have fought till the blood, burns, and scars.
now Diluc is a witness to how Kaeya tenses up, his grip on the glass getting beyond comfortable, white-knuckled, and face goes listless, no emotion is present or even hidden.
or, alternatively, Kaeya is having a panic attack when Diluc lashes out at him for being reckless; Diluc is in shambles when realizing it's the consequences of his doing. they're both miserable.
Diluc has his own set of triggers. they're a little bit too specific, so he's safe most of the days. he learned them very well to prevent himself from spiraling or making a scene or having a meltdown when there's really no time to.
yes, most of them relevant to the day he lost his father, the sickening feeling of warm body and slick blood gets him going numb, derealization hitting hard. there's also the view of snow, deafening roar of a blizzard, intense cold — the combination sets him reeling into the wobbly mess, panic stealing what little air he has left in his lungs. the emptying feeling of being Vision-less churns his stomach into knots and leaves him anxious, teetering on the verge of breaking into a spree or losing the last bits of his mind to the feeling.
but again, those are not really frequent occurrences for him to be looked over and be checked on every now and then. he had his fair share of depressive episodes to learn the pattern when it's coming again, so Adelinde and others are, in a way, always ready to deal with him when he's at his lowest; truth to be told, even Kaeya reads the pattern well enough to drop by and distract him with something simple.
but... he hadn't noticed much of a difference in Kaeya in those terms.
the thing is — Kaeya had been dealing with enough stuff even when he's been a kid; Diluc still can remember the nights he had been waking up to muffled screams. Kaeya's nightmares seemed to tone down in their intensity as they closed to the teen years, but Diluc doubts Kaeya didn't get new stuff to supply it with, considering both the fight and the job he's been granted.
one thing was obvious for sure — self-destructive tendencies upped up a notch. two. three notches, actually. Kaeya has been dealing with every danger top Mondstadt on his own, despite having staff to back him up. he had been drinking, a lot, by Diluc's standards. he hadn't been sleeping enough, getting ahead of the Darknight Hero and leaving a mess of ice shards and pillars, melting away; the camps are either relocated or wiped out. he had been overworking himself, ink stained his sleeve and hands, meaning he had been switching between left and right as they cramped.
Diluc could watch him burn out to nothing but bones and ashes, but he still cares and he's grateful for these little talks, apple slices, a bit of news Kaeya brings with himself each time Diluc is burrowed in his own room voluntarily. Kaeya never pressured him, offering all the space. he patched him up two or three times in his apartment and left him sleeping on the couch, not asking of anything in return.
Kaeya, well... showed that he also cares for him.
so, no, Diluc cannot turn his gaze away and let him burn.
he confronts Kaeya the very same evening, the Angel's Share empty safe for a couple of passed out patrons, waiting on their escort to get them back home; something Kaeya ordered to be done as he watched some folks drunk himself to numbness. the evening is pleasant and comforting, quiet, so Kaeya seems to be dozing off, hand supporting his head.
he's clearly tired. he had came in later than usual, but still flashed his smirk to the citizens and gave Diluc a quick, evaluating look as if assessing his condition. knowing Kaeya, it can be as well true; his strategic approach always accounted for others' state of mind and body.
"I see you're having a slow evening here, master Diluc," to which Diluc hummed something, calculating on the way he's going to confront Kaeya on his habits. he wasn't really a man of words. actions, sure, something straightforward and direct, no beating around the bush or anything of such. the mind games tire him faster than anything ever could.
the evening goes by, turning night, patrons are slowly leaving, the tavern becomes bearably quiet, to which Diluc lets out a breath he was holding from all the tension of being crammed with drunkards and lazybones. Kaeya chuckles, slightly, and with a subtle motion pushes to him a glass of water Diluc always grants him the moment the number of his drinks goes over four; Diluc takes it, it's chilly and refreshing. Kaeya notices. of course he does.
and that kind of cements Diluc's determination.
"Kaeya," he says, and the beginning of their conversation is... soft. gentle. Kaeya's body language is open, lazy smirk plays on his lips, he's tired, but attentive. he tilts his glass from side to side, fidgeting, and Diluc lets him. Archons above, he's so familiar with this little habit of Kaeya; when you need him to listen to you, get his hands busy with something that can be rolled, squished, squeezed, and he's the definition of attentiveness. "I... there's something I've been worried about."
"does it regard the Mondstand's safety?" Kaeya murmurs, helping him to get to the point. Diluc thinks for a moment and nods. Kaeya's body language changes ever so slightly, shoulders' line sharpening, his posture straightening. "go on."
"it's... complex," Diluc tries, "and..."
he staggers, suddenly feeling dumb: he's no longer Kaeya's older brother, isn't he? he's no longer in control over what he does with himself, what methods he chooses to cope, what ways he goes down.
"Diluc?" Kaeya urges, and Diluc takes in the Kaeya's look. translucent shades of blue under his eye, slightly shaky fingers, twirling the glass around, tugged close corset, sweat on his neck, sharp look, but there's a certain distance, as if he's not really here.
"it's you," Diluc blurts out, and Kaeya's brows shot up to his hairline.
"pardon me?" he asks, voice full of disbelief, and Diluc groans, slapping himself in the face by the phrasing. the move seems to spark curiosity in Kaeya's eye, expressed by tilt of his head.
"no, I didn't... ugh. it's you being reckless," Diluc finally somewhat puts it in words, looking out for changes in Kaeya's expression. Kaeya just shrugs and takes a sip, seemingly losing interest in the topic. Diluc feels himself bluntly put aside, his worries regarded for nothing. in a way, Diluc can understand what's going on: it's kin of weird of him to approach such a topic after years of silence on his side, so no wonder Kaeya doesn't take it seriously.
it burns. it stings. it hurts.
it's them, now. messed up.
but Diluc just can't ignore it. no longer than he did already. any longer, and Kaeya will come fumbling down, a complete mess, burned out, ash and bones. Diluc... doesn't wish him such fate.
"Kaeya," he attempts once again. Kaeya grants him a bored look, swift and uncaring. "you can't just... waltz into the camps, get hurt, and repeat it. leave alone your alcoholism! you're spending more Mora here, than at the fancy shop of yours for this ridiculous outfit!"
"why do you care?" Kaeya smiles.
"I- I... because you care." Kaeya stares at him dumbfounded, one brow arched. "why can't I?" he gets defensive, he knows that much, but his emotions take the lead.
"because you tried to kill me," Kaeya replies, his voice suddenly soft. "I didn't stop caring even when your flames marred my skin. I never stopped to."
"you should've to," Diluc scowls, frowning.
"no, Diluc. it's not up to you."
"no buts. stop carrying your guilt like it's the only thing you have."
"because it is the only thing I have!" Diluc raises his voice, absently noticing the tavern being empty and coldly applauding that he chose the right time to let the emotions flare up. he doesn't notice Kaeya's reaction. "I killed father! I tried to kill you not even four hours after him! then, you ask me why do I care?"
"because I want to do at least something right, you reckless idiot!"
he takes a moment to breathe in, and...
the thing is, Diluc realizes as if the bucket of cold water had been poured over him, that in their youth and childhood years they haven't been really arguing. not really. bickering, sure. some back and forth, couple of insults here and there, but that was just teasing, harmless, easy to recover from.
and, well... one time they have fought till the blood, burns, and scars.
now Diluc is a witness to how Kaeya tenses up, his grip on the glass getting beyond comfortable, white-knuckled, and face goes listless, no emotion is present or even hidden. it's empty. somehow, his mind doesn't register simplicity of derealization hitting the person in front of him.
"but no," he presses instead, "you're upping your dose of everyday poison and fueling your self-destructive tendencies for what? what for, indeed? to atone? to punish himself? what for, Kaeya!"
Kaeya is shaking. he's no longer in the tavern. his eye is empty, and he's clutching at his chest, and his breathing is erratic, unsteady, and the glass drops straight down, the sound of breaking glass sending Kaeya into a stumbling mess, terrified.
he falls from the stool on his back, not controlling his body. Diluc watches with horror how he hits his head on the floor, curls into a ball, gasping for air he cannot get.
his little brother is having a panic attack and he's the cause of it.
oh, he thinks, falling on his knees in front of Kaeya, how greatly they have messed up each other. is there a point they can turn to and return to? for a moment? a bit? please.
