even the darkest night will end

and the sun will rise

[andie--forrester]

blxxdybenji:

Ben shifted awkwardly in his chair. “I um..” he cleared his throat a little and stood up, but kept distance between them. He didn’t want to stay sitting he felt too awkward but he didn’t want to be too close to her and make her upset. “I want to apologize..say I’m sorry for what I did to you. I didn’t really have any reason to do it I just did because I was angry and I was in a really bad place at that time. It was ignorant and cruel and I’m sorry I was like that. You didn’t deserve that…” he had been rambling a little, just talking in one breath to try to get the words out.

Andie clenched her jaw when he rose, weight shifting to her toes, breath halting in her throat for a moment. He didn’t move, though, or hit her or push her or yell, so she swallowed hard, hoping the fear would go down, too. She tried not to look shocked-- she hadn’t necessarily believed his dad-- he reminded her of Brock Turner’s, defending his son like it was so easy to let it go. “--oh. Um. Thanks...” She tried to get a deep breath. “You probably think I overreacted, but you’d get it if you knew about all my... stuff. I’m not sorry for protecting myself, but--” It got lodged in her throat. She hadn’t apologized, not really, since He was standing over her and she was begging stopstopstoppleaseI’msorry, and it felt like a boulder in her trachea. “I’m sorry your mom wasn’t... good. We all get things we don’t deserve, not just me. Um, everyone deserves to be a kid and not-- be sad.” She rocked back on her heels. “Just don’t do it again. Ever. Promise. Then-- I can forgive you. Um. I’m glad you’re sorry, I-- the person you reminded me of when I-- freaked out-- isn’t, so-- it’s nice... that you’re sorry.”

[andie--forrester]

Patient File; Forrester, Alexandra

Patient completed GED course, earned passing grade on exam, and received certification. The display of independence and capability, as well as recent willingness to attend therapy sessions and discuss trauma proves her readiness to continue outpatient. Patient will be referred to a psychiatrist and therapist and is scheduled for release within 24 hours. 

[andie--forrester]

blxxdybenji:

Ben hadn’t even looked up to see if the girl had been talking to him so when she told him she wasn’t he felt pretty awkward for snapping at her. “Sorry I thought you said something about…” he looked up to see who he was even talking to. Oh fuck. “I’m uh..not really looking for a fight either…can we um..can we talk?” He asked, fidgeting uncomfortably.

Andie was aware her heart rate was quickening, her legs ready to dash, book under her arm easy to grab, just in case-- fight or flight, or why not both, like when she finally beat Him? But then he-- didn’t grab her hair or call her a name. She was reluctant to trust his calm exterior, but tried to look less tense. “Talk?” She glanced down, still considering running, and shrugged. “Uh, I guess so. Sure.”

[blxxdybenji]

“Listen I don’t really think I’m in the mood to talk about what happened right now so if you could just drop it that would be great…”

[andie--forrester]

Andie shook her head. A part of her wanted to shrink away-- she could see a seven-year old Alexandra cowering, voice soft and hardly used, I didn’t say anything-- and I’m sorry, for good measure. And a part of her wanted to respond with fire, rage, because the idea of letting another man push her to that point was infuriating. But she just stood up, sticking her book under her arm. “I wasn’t talking to you. I’m not looking for a fight. I’ll go.”

[waxingmoon08]

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[andie--forrester]

if i had another place to go, would you break me? is it that you know i have no choice but to rebuild again

i’’m tied so hard i can’t remember when i last walked free upon these feet of mine

but i’ll draw the line there will come a time when i am stronger your words won’t hurt any longer

[andie--forrester]

Describe a perfect childhood, what could've been. Should've been.

I would have been with my parents. And Chris. I would have learned to add numbers longer than one digit when I was eight, not twenty. And subtract with borrowing, and multiply, and divide. And I would’ve learned history from teachers and documentaries, not countless books I begged for and read until they fell apart and conversations with Marie when I was so alone she felt real. And I would have learned to swim in Balmorhea Lake like I always wanted, and I would have stood in the snow. And my mom would have taught me about tampons and ovaries, instead of a dumb book that didn’t even tell me how to fake that dumb TSS thing that might not even exist. And Chris would have picked me up after school sometimes when he came home from college and I was in high school and he would have given all the boys who flirted with me The Chris Look and they would have been weirdly polite for a few days. And I would have watched movies about dogs going to heaven and lions being kings, not men who eat people. And I wouldn’t have had to know how it felt to lose everything I ever had to give and everything I was supposed to be able to keep. ( And she would still be Alexandra, and Andie wouldn’t have to live knowing who had to die before she could emerge. But then Andie wouldn’t be here-- and there’s a part of her that’s not sure she would want that. )

[andie--forrester]

when the fire’s at my feet again and the vultures all start circlin’, they’re whispering “you’re out of time,” but still, i rise.

this is no mistake, no accident when you think the final nail is in, think again don’t be surprised, i will still rise.

[andie--forrester]

What did you want to be when you were a kid?

Uh. You mean like, as a job? I probably changed my mind like a billion times, like all kids do. ( She can’t remember what she chose, how she felt, thought before He invaded her head. ) I wanted to be a princess, or the president, or a dancer, or-- lots of things. ( Free. All she wanted to be was free. )

[andie--forrester]

Do you think you can ever forgive Ben?

I don’t know. It’s more plausible than forgiving Him. But I need him to be sorry to me. His dad’s dumb excuses aren’t enough. I don’t care that he has issues with women, I have issues with men but I don’t attack anyone with a penis. I need a decent fucking apology before I’ll even consider it. I’m not anyone’s submissive bitch, I demand some fucking respect.

[andie--forrester]

blxxdybenji:

“Benjamin is more damaged than you could ever understand. He doesn’t mean what he does and even if he hurt you in the past that doesn’t mean he will ever again. Has he even spoken to you after all this time? I heard about when he hurt you, and trust me he would never try to do that to you.” He couldn’t repeat those words, using her dead body, it made his stomach churn. “Or anyone. He’s never done that. And he’s not hurting anyone anymore. After hurting you and sam he hated himself for it. He hasn’t hurt anyone but himself since then.” Abraham was a much calmer person than his wife or son. “I forgive him by remembering that humans are not perfect, and we break and get hurt and in turn we break and hurt others. You were hurt, that’s why you hurt Benjamin back.”

“Well, so am I! God-fucking-damn-it! I was a fucking prisoner at seven fucking years old, until last fucking June! I’m fucked up, we’re all fucked up, but that doesn’t make it okay to beat and rape random women! I avoid him so I don’t end up getting strangled again, how the fuck am I supposed to know how he feels?” Andie clenched her fists at her sides, digging her nails deep into the skin. “He told me he would! He said he would, and what do you expect me to do, give him the fucking benefit of the doubt? No, damn it! I’m so sick of letting men do whatever they want to me, I’m not gonna lie down anymore!” She sniffed, realizing her whole face was wet. “That doesn’t help. Basic human mistakes are not the same thing as what they did to me, so that’s not good enough.” She wanted to explode. “What? I hurt him back because he literally said he would fuck my face until I choked to death, I remember. Not because of human fallibility or whatever. Excuse me for protecting myself. Self-defense and what he did are not fucking equal. You have no idea--” She didn’t even know what to say, there was so much he was missing, so much that was wrong, like another punch in the face. “You have no idea.”

[andie--forrester]

[andie--forrester]

don't you think the world is cruel for making you suffer through His terrible things?

Yes. No. I don’t know. That little tiny place in the world, in The House, was cruel. The rest of the world, so far, has been good to me, and given me new things like vitamin D and friends and kisses that feel good. Once I fought back, I won. I guess I just should’ve fought sooner.

[andie--forrester]

blxxdybenji:

“I’m sure he is sorry. He’s very remorseful and regretful of what he did.” Abraham shot back, not wanting the girl to think his son was a monster. “What I mean is don’t assume he’s awful just because he comes off as awful. Benny is a sweet boy but he has a disorder and needs help, that’s why we’re here.” Abraham sighed, “I didn’t let him treat women like this that’s why I sent him to therapy so he could response his issues without hurting anyone.” He punched the bridge of his nose. “I forgive him because he is my son. He is my flesh and blood and he means the world to me. ”

“Then why haven’t I gotten an apology? Or my friend Sam?” Andie stared at him, blinking. “What? He didn’t push me off the swings, he triggered me, beat the crap out of me, and tried to kill me and use my dead body to get off--” She paused, wiggled her toes, making sure they were okay. “Where does the sweetness come in?” She wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him. “Well, he is hurting people! He hurt me!” She shook her head, still fidgeting with her clip. “No, that’s why. I said how.”

[andie--forrester]

blxxdybenji:

Abraham frowned as he heard what the girl said, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I’m so sorry if he did anything to upset you or he hurt you…he’s been hurt in the past by women and it’s just something he needs to work on. I do know he has made a lot of progress in that field though from what he and his doctors tell me.”

Andie reached into her pocket and tightened her fist around her hair clips-- if it came down to it, she could stab them into his eyes. Good. “I want him to be sorry. I’ve been hurt by men, a lot, twelve-- fucking years worth, but I don’t threaten to--” She flipped a hair clip open and closed in her pocket. “To rape and kill people.” The voice that came out then was thick, oxygen-starved, and she gasped quickly. “It’s a bad excuse, how-- how can you just let him treat women like that? How--” She swallowed, the question that was crawling up her throat was stupid because he wasn’t the one with memories tattooed on his eyelids of hard knuckles and creaking beds, but it was coming up fast. “How do you forgive him?”

[blxxdybenji]

“Hey there uh…I’m looking for my son? Benjamin Cane?” He asked, running a hand through his hair and fidgeting with his clothes. He wasn’t very good at being social and he just wanted to find Ben.

[andie--forrester]

“I-- don’t know where he is,” Andie took a step back, looking at the man carefully, assessing what was around her, what she could use if He he hurt her. “And I don’t plan to-- to go near him ever again. You-- you should get him transported to a male only facility.”

[andie--forrester]

sexual orientation?

I think I’m-- I dunno. ( Gay. ) I really like Sam but I’m not sure if ( gay ) that means I’m only ( gay? Yes ) into girls or if someday guys will be okay too. But right now I don’t want to do anything with them. I just want to ( gay ) kiss Sam and go to ( gay ) France with her and show her Versailles. ( She likes women. )

[andie--forrester]

what do you remember the most about him?

( Everything. She remembers everything. He was all she had, impossible to forget. His eyes were cold, but wrinkled in the corners when she did something right. Rare. Treasured. They were cold enough to burn her when she talked back or ignored or rebelled, and they said stupid girl, you are nothing. His hands were big, bigger than her face, and rough, and they touched secret places they were supposed to stay away from!! and that hurt worse than when they left marks on her face or pushed her into a cabinet and they said you will break. His mouth was always louder than hers, and hateful, and it said bitch one second and Ally the next and yelled so loud it shook her eardrums and sometimes moaned softly, but that was meaner than the yelling and the loudest thing it said was I don’t care. His body was not much bigger than hers, but it said I’m in charge you are mine and hers wilted and hid under a bed because her mouth could not say no. And it was sunburnt sometimes because He got to open the door and walk out. And it was heavy and her legs couldn’t move and her toes went numb and it said over and over and over you are mine. His big truck had a Confederate flag on the back. She tried to tell Him that it was not-very-nice and maybe He didn’t mean to be, but it was, well, racist– and His knuckles turned her cheek purple for four days and his flag laughed and said slavery is not dead, look at your wrists. His basement was cold, even when it was over 100 degrees. Cold in a different way, like his eyes. It echoed a little when she screamed and no one answered or she cried hard enough to shake her body, and it said you are alone here. His house was simple, normal on the outside, books, movies, kitchen, bedrooms, basement. But it was a prison, ugly and scary and full of silent screaming that never fucking stopped. And it said you will never be the same. ) The way He could destroy parts of me and not care at all.