so this is how it’s like, huh?

perpetually tired

[andiebau]

Posting because I’m only this confident around people I trust😅

[andiebau]

“You would still be here tomorrow but your dreams may not.”

Thirteen years ago, I moved to Manila for college. In Filipino context , it wasn’t called “uni” yet and instead, we refer to it as simply just—college.

Social media was slowly creeping into modern consciousness and through our first generation gadgets, we started to see and discover a different world. Yes, android and iOS started to penetrate our daily lexicon but laptop was still our go-to device. There was Wi-Fi but in-app chat features wasn’t that popular yet. Receiving a reply in real time through any of these was a novelty to most of us back then. People texted more than we did today because replying to an online private message would mean opening your laptop and plugging in a USB stick to connect to the internet. Movie marathons were painstakingly planned by downloading from torrent for hours and potentially passing on from one USB to another digital virus. I still kept those files, well-preserved in my decade-old external hard drive until they’re no longer readable as modern digital formats.

Looking back, we went through so much lengths for things we may no longer want in the end or like that much. Fast forward to today, goals are measured and achieved short-term yet some could end up being categorized as mere musings. Different landscape but same dilemma, still.

I was sixteen then, a probinsyana discovering Manila from the lenses of a teenager. Before that, my visits revolved around visiting families, walking next to my parents as they run errands in Binondo and Ermita— adult things I didn’t really pay attention to. However, at sixteen, I was given the chance to see the city from a different perspective; the background to my academic pursuits and later on it bore witness to the life I never thought I’d live in this city.

I started to understand why people seem to never sleep. Life was never linear and experiencing it rarely run parallel. Chaos could easily blend in your daily grind and in a city where all kinds of people exist struggling to survive one day at a time— tomorrow sounds more than just a schedule and a day.

A promise to those who hope but a curse to some.

It might not always go according to plan yet we yearn for it to come.

And in the course of waiting for it, dreams get shelved and at times, forgotten.

[andiebau]

Oh what type of sin it must have been to have it this hard in this lifetime.

[andiebau]

If this ends, everything ends for me too.

[andiebau]

And if I ever run away from all of this, please don’t look for me anymore.

[andiebau]

I, unfortunately was cursed.

Cursed with a mind that remembers clearly;

A heart that forgives deeply;

and a soul that tends to grieve earnestly.

[andiebau]

I will forever mourn the years that flew by so fast, the fading memories of when the morning air was still crisp and innocence meant not knowing what sarcasm is, just yet.

[andiebau]

Maybe it’s not affection, probably attachment.. an unhealthy one. The kind that yearns, the type that persists, even if—-even when.

Took me more than a year to reach out again, took me 2 weeks before I could send that message but on most days, it’s you who I still want to run to.

[andiebau]

I wish pain wasn’t too powerful it could be passed on during pregnancy; affecting the unborn and directing the course of its life.

Imagine fearing abandonment without even understanding what it is.

Forcing connection because you are incapable of forming one.

Struggling to find your place in every room because each door you step in feels like a space you’re not fully welcomed to.

“Maybe if I become more like them and less like who I really am..”

“If I smile more often and talk like them, will they like me more?”

“Maybe if I bend a little..”

“If I turn out to be that person will that satisfy them finally?”

I have learned things the hard way too early in life; to bow my head and not include myself in conversations I can’t be a part of, to look detached and disinterested because wanting more means asking for more, and it’s draining—-exhausting, demeaning.

Losing your spark each time that feeling creeps back again, not seeing your worth despite knowing you are worthy, never fully experiencing happiness as it has always made you feel like you can’t be part of it will always be that hard pill to swallow.

[andiebau]

Exact moment my aunt snapped a photo of me while I was having a meltdown.. she tried to lighten the mood by asking if I think we’d grow old like the grandmas seated next to us; still traveling the world and taking pics at our old age. And I almost cried again cos I honestly don’t know if I could live that long. If I do, I hope to live happily, my heart lighter, my pockets fuller, my family healthier.

[andiebau]

While I may not know how this feeling will actually turn out to be, something’s telling that I’m about to enter a new chapter. Something better, one that I earned and worked for.. will go back to this once it happens for reals ❤️

[filmtribv]

'I heard something,'

THE DIPLOMAT 2.02

[andiebau]

I would always miss you

[tantawans]

Dimple & Harsh in Mismatched S2

I just got lucky, I guess. I got lucky.

[offarawaysnfuturedays-inmydreams]

ALEXIS KONG + fashion

HIGHDEE KUAN in The Brothers Sun (2024)

[nathanielzalexandria]

Imma need all the fanfiction people to write some Brother's sun fanfics. Charles is too malewife not to have hundreds of stories with him and Drowsy/Jun/Alexis and i need one of them to write the fic that determines which would be my primary ship

[andiebau]

it’s been 5 months where are fanfics 😭

[kojiandrew]

JUSTIN CHIEN as CHARLES SUN The Brothers Sun | 1.01 "Pilot"

[andiebau]

Me the entire time: i can fix him mum