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@andontheinsideimfading-blog
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Me: I don't care. In fact, I couldn't care less to be honest
It seems like you're a bit more angry than apathetic
Me: I don't miss it. I don't miss her
Are you sure about that?
Me: Yeah
Then why linger on it? Are you sure this just isn't your first time truly being rejected? Are you sure that this isn't another way of you trying to cope with losing control
#oh.
Continuing
113. What was your childhood nickname?
Same as now
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
Yes
115. Do you play the Wii?
Uh not often
116. Are you listening to music right now?
No
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
I'm a vegetarian
118. Do you like Chinese food?
Um yes. Not even a question.
119. Favourite book?
Ughhh too hard
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
No
121. Are you mean?
No
122. Is cheating ever okay?
No
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
Yeah
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No
125. Do you believe in true love?
I don't know
126. Are you currently bored?
No
127. What makes you happy?
Lots of things
128. Would you change your name?
Nah
129. What your zodiac sign?
Virgo
130. Do you like subway?
Hahah no
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
HAHAHAHA
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Im pretty sure that this happened already
133. Favourite lyrics right now?
Anything from #Selfie duh
134. Can you count to one million?
If I had no life
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
I don't know. Probably some shit about my age
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
At college, closed. At home, it depends....
137. How tall are you?
5'7.5
138. Curly or Straight hair?
Straight
139. Brunette or Blonde?
No idea
140. Summer or Winter?
Summer
141. Night or Day?
Both?
142. Favourite month?
June and September. Yes I get two
143. Are you a vegetarian?
Yes
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
Dark
145. Tea or Coffee?
Tea
146. Was today a good day?
Yeah bro
147. Mars or Snickers?
Mars
148. What’s your favourite quote?
Hmmmm. Get back to me on this
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
No
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
Not moving lol
Wow since literally ten people told me to do all of them
1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
Hahaha a girl on my team. Ya know, super scandalous
2. Are you outgoing or shy?
Outgoing. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
People back home
4. Are you easy to get along with?
For the most part, yeah.
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
Hahaha yes.
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
Preppy, charismatic and athletic people. They also have to have a good smile
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
I don't jinx shit.
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
Hahaha I guess tyler since we are video chatting
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
Nah
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Hmmm my hs xc coach and his wife since I saw them this morning hahah
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
"LOL stawp that right now. Do not make me throw you in the ice bath tomorrow"
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
IDEEKAY
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
Uh it depends who
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
Nah not really.
15. What good thing happened this summer?
This summer hasn't happened yet
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yeah bro.
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
Hahaha who knows
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
Hahaha yes. He's like my brother and we've known each other since we were in pre school.
19. Do you like bubble baths?
I only take ice baths
20. Do you like your neighbors?
School neighbor? Yeah!
21. What are you bad habits?
I like to jump to conclusions
22. Where would you like to travel?
Europe and tropical places
23. Do you have trust issues?
I can.
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
Running and riding duhhhh.
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
My toes lmao.
26. What do you do when you wake up?
I throw running clothes on and go running....or I throw sweats on and go to class.
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
I don't really care
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
My teammates, friends, running group, and adult mentors
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
Yeah but because I dumped all of them lol
30. Do you ever want to get married?
Yeah I think so
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
Yes
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
Not about that life
33. Spell your name with your chin.
No
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
I run and ride horses yo
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
Ugh ugh ugh ugh probably TV
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
Nah
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
Nothing because they're uh silent
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
IDK
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
Ralph Lauren, Splendid, Bloomingdales
40. What do you want to do after high school?
Im past that
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Im open to forgiving people. A lot more open than I used to be
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
I'm upset
43. Do you smile at strangers?
Usually
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
Outer space
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
Running and friends
46. What are you paranoid about?
People judging me for my health
47. Have you ever been high?
Yeah
48. Have you ever been drunk?
Yes
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
No
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
Blue
51. Ever wished you were someone else?
No
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
I wish that my toenails weren't so god awful like every runner lol
53. Favourite makeup brand?
Meh
54. Favourite store?
Didn't we do this
55. Favourite blog?
Nah bro
56. Favourite color?
Blue
57. Favourite food?
It's a tie between burritos and waffles and guacamole
58. Last thing you ate?
Wild rice salad with cranberries and walnuts.
59. First thing you ate this morning?
Pancakes and eggs yo
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
Uh quite a few
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
Nah. I almost got suspended once though for "inappropriate behavior"(aka partying and shit like that)
62. Been arrested? For what?
No
63. Ever been in love?
I don't know
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
Haha no.
65. Are you hungry right now?
No
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
Ya'll are cool
67. Facebook or Twitter?
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
Tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?
No
70. Names of your bestfriends?
No
71. Craving something? What?
Adrenaline. Im not kidding.
72. What colour are your towels?
Off white
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
1
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Nah
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
Uh in my room...like 8
75. Favourite animal?
Otter!
76. What colour is your underwear?
I have no fucking idea
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
Cookie dough
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
Navy
80. What colour pants?
Purple
81. Favourite tv show?
Grey's
82. Favourite movie?
The Holiday or Zoolander
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
That isn't even a question
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
Mean girls
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
Ughhhh I don't know omg
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
Dory duh
87. First person you talked to today?
XC coach and his wife
88. Last person you talked to today?
It'll be the running sistah
89. Name a person you hate?
Oh god
90. Name a person you love?
My parents
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
No
92. In a fight with someone?
I don't know what to call it
93. How many sweatpants do you have?
Hahaha so many. So so so many
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
Too many
95. Last movie you watched?
Hmmmm. I don't know actually
96. Favourite actress?
Kate Walsh
97. Favourite actor?
Patrick Dempsey yo
98. Do you tan a lot?
No
99. Have any pets?
Yes
100. How are you feeling?
Fine
101. Do you type fast?
Yes
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
Yes but I don't let those things dwell in my mind
103. Can you spell well?
Yes
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yes
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yes
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
Yes
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
Haha funny
108. What should you be doing?
Sleeping
109. Is something irritating you right now?
No
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
Yeah
111. Do you have trust issues?
Didn't we do this already
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Doctors
OKAY SLEEPING. TO BE CONTINUED .
Yo the ask is open
"Get To Know Me…" -
Who was the last person you held hands with? 2. Are you outgoing or shy? 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? 4. Are you easy to get along with? 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? 15. What good thing happened this summer? 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? 19. Do you like bubble baths? 20. Do you like your neighbors? 21. What are you bad habits? 22. Where would you like to travel? 23. Do you have trust issues? 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? 26. What do you do when you wake up? 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? 28. Who are you most comfortable around? 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? 30. Do you ever want to get married? 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? 33. Spell your name with your chin. 34. Do you play sports? What sports? 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? 37. What do you say during awkward silences? 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? 40. What do you want to do after high school? 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? 43. Do you smile at strangers? 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? 46. What are you paranoid about? 47. Have you ever been high? 48. Have you ever been drunk? 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? 51. Ever wished you were someone else? 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? 53. Favourite makeup brand? 54. Favourite store? 55. Favourite blog? 56. Favourite colour? 57. Favourite food? 58. Last thing you ate? 59. First thing you ate this morning? 60. Ever won a competition? For what? 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? 62. Been arrested? For what? 63. Ever been in love? 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? 65. Are you hungry right now? 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? 67. Facebook or Twitter? 68. Twitter or Tumblr? 69. Are you watching tv right now? 70. Names of your bestfriends? 71. Craving something? What? 72. What colour are your towels? 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 75. Favourite animal? 76. What colour is your underwear? 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? 80. What colour pants? 81. Favourite tv show? 82. Favourite movie? 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? 87. First person you talked to today? 88. Last person you talked to today? 89. Name a person you hate? 90. Name a person you love? 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? 92. In a fight with someone? 93. How many sweatpants do you have? 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 95. Last movie you watched? 96. Favourite actress? 97. Favourite actor? 98. Do you tan a lot? 99. Have any pets? 100. How are you feeling? 101. Do you type fast? 102. Do you regret anything from your past? 103. Can you spell well? 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? 107. Have you ever been on a horse? 108. What should you be doing? 109. Is something irritating you right now? 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? 111. Do you have trust issues? 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? 113. What was your childhood nickname? 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? 115. Do you play the Wii? 116. Are you listening to music right now? 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? 118. Do you like Chinese food? 119. Favourite book? 120. Are you afraid of the dark? 121. Are you mean? 122. Is cheating ever okay? 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? 125. Do you believe in true love? 126. Are you currently bored? 127. What makes you happy? 128. Would you change your name? 129. What your zodiac sign? 130. Do you like subway? 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 133. Favourite lyrics right now? 134. Can you count to one million? 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? 137. How tall are you? 138. Curly or Straight hair? 139. Brunette or Blonde? 140. Summer or Winter? 141. Night or Day? 142. Favourite month? 143. Are you a vegetarian? 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? 145. Tea or Coffee? 146. Was today a good day? 147. Mars or Snickers? 148. What’s your favourite quote? 149. Do you believe in ghosts? 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
And you are the wolf And I am the moon And in the endless sky we are but one We are alive In my dreams wolf and I
We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans. We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read, and witty, intellectually curious, always moving… We pride ourselves on getting as little sleep as possible and thrive on self-deprivation. We drink coffee, a lot of it. We are on birth control, Prozac, and multivitamins… We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We never want to be as passive-aggressive as our mothers, never want to marry men as uninspired as our fathers… We are the daughters of the feminists who said, “You can be anything,” and we heard, “You have to be everything.
Courtney Martin
Garland
Today I was reminded of the fact that this has been quite the semester.
It has been three months and two weeks since I lost my virginity.
It has been three months and one week since I saw the guy who sexually abused, mentally scarred, and assaulted me. Three months and one week since I could look at him and keep walking...no panic attack included.
It has been three months since I sincerely wanted to end it all and the only thing keeping me alive was running.
It has been two months and three weeks since I was told by three guys in one week that they loved me. My response to this was unorthodox to say the least.
It has been two and a half months since I tried so hard to fuck up my life. Weed, alcohol, and impulsive sex whenever we could fit it in between runs, off days, and school. We called it bonding but it really was just a mass cry for help.
It has been two months and one week a so called best friend of mine dumped me. (Yeah, dumped me like a boyfriend or something of the sort).
It has been two months since I PRed my 10 mile time and 10k time.
It has been a month and three weeks since we(our collegiate running group) had to sit down and talk to our coaches about what was going on with all of us. A month and three weeks since we realized what we were sacrificing. A month and three weeks before running became more important to me than anything else in this world.
It has been a month and two weeks since it sunk in and I actually missed her.
It has been a month and two weeks since I almost lost one of my closest friends to cancer. A month and two weeks since we sat upon a hospital bed and cried together. A month and two weeks since I vowed to never abandon his side because friends don't leave friends. Family doesn't leave family.
It has been a month and two weeks since I got lunch with my advisor. Only to have her hug me and say that she doesn't want to see me so hurt.
It has been a month and two weeks since I met a really cool guy.
It has been a month and one point five weeks since one of my professors called me one of the brightest students that he has had.
It has been has been a month and one week since I was offered one of the coolest riding opportunities ever.
It has been one month and one week since I found the courage to share my entire story with a group of younger student government students. A month and one week since I could only hope that they would never have to face the same thing.
It has been four weeks since my body started to malfunction and leave me in pain on the ground.
It has been three weeks since all the hospital visits began.
It has been a little over two weeks since I got over losing that so called best friend and realized that I have so many friends who are like family to me. Friends who would never leave my side. You can't miss someone who doesn't give a shit about you.
It has been a week since I was diagnosed with something that I could not fathom.
It has been six days since I was reunited with my HS cross country coach. I missed having my second dad around.
It has been five days since I had a blast at the marathon.
It has been four days and a few hours since I was admitted at a nearby hospital.
It has been three days since I bitched off a bunch of doctors who were trying to help and realized that I was just terrified and so, so frustrated.
It has been two days since I realized that it's going to be okay in the end.
It has been less than 24 hours since I returned to running after medically induced inconsistency and had no problem getting great times on my three, 5k splits. Less than 24 hours since I was never more thankful to be able to jump into an ice bath. Less than 24 hours since I realized that I have an incredible ability recover back to the runner I'm meant to be.
It has been approximately twelve hours since I made an official decision to take my running training to the next level this summer. Twelve hours since I decided that I would perfect my half marathon by the end of August and then take the next step to marathon training. Twelve hours since I realized that I truly am meant to do this.
Y'all Wanted Me to do This
Just found out that I have a bomb room for next year. Cool.
A. WHY MY LAST RELATIONSHIP ENDED
Ya know, it's kind of really complicated.
B. FAVORITE BAND.
I don't actually have one. I know, lame.
C. WHO I LIKE AND WHY I LIKE THEM.
Oh god. This topic is too real for right now.
D. HARDEST THING I’VE EVER BEEN THROUGH.
Um honestly, dealing with my health right now is really hard. Being told that you might have an early stage of stomach cancer is hard. Having to go to the doctor all the tie is hard. I don't know if this is the hardest thing that I've been through but this is up there. It's just weird because at the same time, I'm loving a lot about life.
E. MY BEST FRIEND.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too many. I literally cannot pick one best friend. Literally cannot. I have my long term best friend, T, J, N, my running sistah, G, B, Tyler, paranoid friend, my big sister, my honorary big sister, my "foster mom" who took over after my bigs graduated, Soph, ugh yeah. The list is yeah.
F. MY FAVOURITE MOVIE.
The Holiday or Zoolander.
G. SEXUAL ORIENTATION.
Straight.
H. DO I SMOKE/DRINK?
I don't smoke. We runners cannot do such things.
Whenever I drink, shit goes down. It's just all bad.
I. HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?
Nahhhh
J. WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GET OLDER.
I honestly have NO freaking idea. Two of my professors have been like, "Do wall street!!!!! You'd be so perfect for it and you're more than sharp enough" and I'm just like noooo. I think I might want to go into portfolio management of fiscal policy in health care. So not like flat out public health but the economics behind it. I added a health and society minor to my major for this reason.
K. RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS.
We're close. They worry about me a lot though.
L. ONE OF MY INSECURITIES.
Meh. I get really insecure about my health. Really insecure. I have to be really close to someone to want to talk about it.
M. VIRGIN OR NOT?
That ship has sailed.
N. FAVOURITE PLACE TO SHOP AT?
Hm. Honestly, Ralph Lauren is the bomb but if we're going casual, Bloomingdales is a one stop shop. I've got my loyalty points racked up.
O. MY EYE COLOUR.
Brown. Boring yeah.
P. WHY I HATE SCHOOL.
I don't? I mean, I go to an incredibly difficult school but it's very worth it. We work hard and it pays off in the end.
Q. RELATIONSHIP STATUS AS OF RIGHT NOW.
Weeeeeell
R. FAVOURITE SONG AT THE MOMENT.
Hmmmmmm. I don't even know.
S. A RANDOM FACT ABOUT MYSELF.
I can't snap, whistle, roll my tongue, roll my R's, touch my toes, do a headstand, or do a cartwheel....but I can run top 8k,10k, and 15k times.
T. AGE I GET MISTAKEN FOR.
It's embarrassing. Let's not go there. Let's just say that I look much younger than 19.
U. WHERE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW.
Healthy.
V. LAST TIME I CRIED.
Today in the hospital after yelling at my doctors. It was all bad.
W. CONCERTS I’VE BEEN TO.
I'm not a huge concert go-er TBH. Mainly ones at our campus, Lady Gaga, and a few others.
X. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF (…)?
Huh?
Y. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE.
I'm in college
Z. HOW ARE YOU?
I actually feel like I am about to throw up to be honest.
MarMon
Was excellent. So many MarMon festivities followed by dinner with my XC coach and his wife and one of my favorite shoe reps. Dead. Cannot move anymore lol. We also literally got seven desserts and it was excellent.
I have to get a procedure done tomorrow so I'll be checked in as an in patient in the hospital bleh.
Random but...
So my mind was kind of wandering post-sex yesterday(I had all my midterms in one week. It was so necessary. We got waffles first and then went back to his room)and wow I really need to gain some weight somehow. My god damn spine was hurting at many points of time ugh. I mean seriously, I literally am eating over 4,500 calories everyday.
On another note, sex is a wonderful thing.
Ready?
Really just ready to run tomorrow. Ready to go to the promotion in Boston on Marathon Monday. Ready to go back to campus and hang out with all of my friends/big. Ready to be back on a regular running schedule starting next week. Ready(kind of) to get an endoscopy on Tuesday to find out if I have stomach cancer. Ready to find out the results(I think). Ready to finish off the school year. Trying to be ready to find myself.
She suffered alone. She called campus police for herself. She collapsed on the floor and lost consciousness with no one around her. She would have died alone.
Well
Ironically....after making that post about D., I got a surprisingly call very early this morning. She overdosed last night and ended up in the hospital. She had combined alcohol, molly, and unprescribed adrenal. She is lucky to be alive still. Her twin brother called me in tears and ugh. I don't know what else to say about this but I'm still wrapping my mind around it all.
A part of me feels bad for ending the friendship when she began to go down the wrong road. She could have died. I don't know.
The ex-sister is communicating with my mom and I don't like it. I mean my mom is kind of awesome and is well, my mom. Ugh. And I don't feel like going on to explain to her why I stopped talking to the ex sister. Whatever.
This Morning
So good to be back to running. Not going to lie, this morning was rough for everyone but we got through it haha. We did a series of three work shops with a 6:30 mile to warm up. I paced myself to the paces that I was told to and just did my best haha. It was pretty successful though and I am so glad to be back. Being back with my running fam is great. We ate toaster waffles with peanut butter afterwards while icing our legs.
My health is feeling alright. A bit more nauseous than normal so I really just had my trail mix for lunch. Don't get me wrong though, it legit is just a ton of nuts, chai covered raisins, and chocolate so the calorie intake is there to the max.
I'm studying with team friends and listening to a new artist right now that I discovered this morning. She's kind of rad. Listen to Sza if you ever have the chance. Green Mile is a fantastic song. Anyways, gotta go back to studying in a few so I'll be peaking out. I'm so glad that you guys are glad to have me back on this URL lol. It's just a bit odd because there is such a huge jump from last time I posted to now.
Oh and if anyone is around the Boston area, really, hit me up. I will be running VERY early in the morning and then am going to be in Boston until 2:00ish. I'm going back to our campus after to do school festivities but message me if you actually want to meet me. You'll actually be able to get a picture with me in a sports bra and spandex if you do lmao. Great sight obviously. Actually I think I may get put in a half singlet or something of the sort because of how much my bones are sticking out these days. We're working on that. I get to do strength training this summer >.>