I'm relapsing and i like it.
Really?Do you really want to relapse?I want you to ask yourself again; is this really what you want?
No, you don’t want this.And you are only lying to yourself if you say that you ‘like’ relapsing.
It is the disorder that likes it.Not you.
That is the reality of this illness.It takes over your whole mind. Controls your every thought.It sneaks in without you even realising, like a thief in the middle of the night, and before you know it you are too far down the path to turn back.It becomes your every move, your every thought, and your every belief.It tricks and manipulates you. Turning the tables completely.It makes you believe things that you don’t truly believe in. It stops you from doing what you want to do.
It becomes your ‘best friend’, but it is your worst enemy.It cuts you off from the world, shrinking your life, isolating you.It makes you weaker and weaker as times go by.
You begin to forget who you really are.What you really believe in.It becomes you.It takes you over.Consumes you.And suddenly you are gone.
And what is left is only a shell.An empty shell.A shadow of the former person who stood before you when you looked in the mirror.You forget those little things that defined your character.Those sparkly earrings.Your choice of styling.The way you spoke, the way you walked.It all goes.Disappears.Gone.
And what are you left with? Nothing.
You are left with nothing.
That voice inside your head that people keep telling you that you are hearing; you can’t understand them. In your mind all you hear is YOU. It feels wrong. They don’t seem to understand. They can’t understand. They will never understand.Because the person you were, those little qwerks that made you, you, have all but disappeared. Left at the bottom of the pile of things that this illness has stripped you of.
So where does this relapse get you?
Relapsing, although it may feel comforting at the time, is going to give you nothing but take you backwards. Retreating. Disappearing into the disorder.It can’t get you to those places.It takes away everything.It destroys.
You will not be living.You will be barely existing.
Because I can assure you that those thoughts inside your mind right now that tell you that everything is going to be okay when you get to x are lying. It will never be enough. If you ever reach x, it will then be y, and then z…and it will never stop. It will never be enough. It will never stop wanting, asking for more. Even when it gets too much, it will still demand more from you until there is nothing left.And that’s the reality of the situation.This illness, this disorder, your ‘best friend’ in your mind right now wants you dead. And it will continue to destroy you every single day that you do not fight it.
It tells you that this relapse will help?That it will allow you to get to somewhere you want to be perhaps? That it is on your side.But I want to ask you really, where is relapsing going to get you?
Because you know that it will not bring you happiness and life. It will instead bring you pain and hurt and darkness. But not just to you, to those around you as well.
- You will begin to lack energy. Unable to join in.
- You become easily irritable; small things get to you. When you can’t have your routine, the rules in your head the way you want them, you become angry.
- Your mind gets foggy, you can’t quite remember.
- You can wave goodbye to socialising because you won’t have time for that
- Studying? Pfft you can forget that too, concentrating is going to be a near impossible task, focusing on a book feels like you are being asked to run a marathon. You may even have to drop out and stop studying all together.
- Your life gets put on hold as you focus even more on the disorder.
- Weakness begins to set in. Like a cold in winter. It knocks you for ten. But you have to continue with those rituals don’t you? Because they have to be completed so that the voice is pleased. Just to have to repeat them tomorrow, and the next day, and the next and the next….
- Exercising, if you even have enough energy to do it that is, becomes a chore. Something you wish you didn’t have to do. It becomes a form of torture. Those lie-ins become cold winter runs, even when you feel so weak that you could drop to the floor you try to keep going because this is all you know. This is the only focus you have left. There is nothing else.
- On that note, sleep? you can think again. Your dreams and nightmares will become consumed with the monster that terrorises your every day. You can’t escape. You will begin to sleep less and less. Constantly awake. Worrying. Planning. Trying to find out how you can get away with X or Y without anyone noticing.
- Any sleep that you might achieve however will never feel enough. You body isn’t able to shut down out of fear of not being able to wake up. Leaving you like a zombie walking the streets.
- I nearly forgot, it’s getting towards winter here; well you better have enough layers because the already cold weather is going to hit hard. You will never be warm enough, constantly trying to find more and more layers to wear on-top of the already borrowed jumpers from relatives or friends. Hot water-bottles and hot-packs never seem to be enough. You are constantly cold and the thought of having to go outside fills you with dread, yet that voice in your head makes you. Demands you to.
- Your hair will begin to fall out again. Maybe not at first but in a short amount of time it will begin to come out in clumps, your body unable to give it the nutrients it needs to be kept healthy.
- Blue hands and fingers become the bane of your life. Try holding pens and pencils in class when you cant even feel your fingers.
- Bright red and sniffly nose which never seems to warm up.
- You ache because your body is breaking down any and every bit of muscle it can find. There isn’t enough energy so it has to do something doesn’t it!
- But did you know that your heart is a muscle itself.
- Your body is eating itself, trying its hardest to stay alive. To keep you functioning.
- You even begin to notice hair growing over your body where it wasn’t before. It is trying to keep as warm as it can, but the only way it can do that is by giving it everything it has. It is trying to protect you. But it is far from glamorous.
- Your clothes begin to fall off you. Hang lose. Nothing ever feels right anymore. You can’t find anything that fits you. All your friends are excited about the winter ball that is coming up but there you are, scared of the food that would be served and the consequences that would happen if you were to dare to think about joining in. You fear the dress that you will have to wear, which will need to be brought in because there is no size in store that fits. Unless you want to go to the children’s section that is…
- Your world gets smaller and smaller. You cut off any friendships you may have had. Refuse to see your family. You were scared of what they might think of you and if they would ‘mess up your plan’. You didn’t want to have to face the idea of going out or socialising when you could be at home planning, scheming with the monster inside your mind. It gets so small. So lonely.
- You begin to find it hard to even get out of bed anymore, your body aching, filling you with dread but then you remember that you have to complete your rituals. You can’t not do them. That would mean more consequences.
- You try to stand, swing your legs over the side of your small mattress on the floor, but your legs don’t respond.
- You fling your arm out and accidently knock over the cup from last night’s green tea. Another thing messed up. Another chore that needs to be done.
- The lists are endless, and you begin to think of all the things you have left to do. The rules. The demands that need to be fulfilled.
- You are so consumed by this eating disorder that you forgot that you couldn’t move.
- Your legs not responding. Your back aching. Your head spinning. You try to call for help but then you remember; you left your housemates months ago. Moved into your one room apartment to get away from life. Hiding away. You wanted to be alone, a place where you could live out life with the disorder at your side. But what have the last months been? Hell.
- You begin to cry, but you hardly have the energy to even do that.
- You pick up your phone, scrolling through the endless unused numbers that still litter your address book until you find it….‘home’
- You press the call button, someone picks up the other end but you don’t quite hear what they say.
- You manage to pull together all the courage you can muster to choke into the headpiece; ‘I’m sorry, I need help’
- And everything goes black.
You don’t realise all the things you used to take for granted until they have all been taken away. Darkness consumes you.Your days full of pain and torture.
- And you ask yourself, in midst of everything that is going on around you at the bustling busy GP surgery that your worried mother has managed to drag you to, was it worth it? Relapsing, that is? Was it really what you wanted?
- Your mother came down as soon as the message got through to her. She arrived to find you passed out on the floor. After managing to wake you she tried to get you to have just a small something to eat or drink but you refused. You said you ‘couldn’t’ that you ‘weren’t allowed’. You were delirious. Not making much sense. So here she brought you, as soon as she could to the GP to do whatever she could.
- Sitting there, in the uncomfortable surgery chairs, while other patients cough and splutter their colds and flu around you, you think about what has happened. You didn’t realise it at first. You thought you were doing the right thing. But the truth is that your life has been on the edge for the last few months. You have been losing the fight. Your life stopped. You have nothing left.
- Your friends have all moved on. They’ll be graduating this summer. Some of them are even settling down with their boyfriends, planning a family. They go out every Saturday night, socialising, laughing. You see the pictures plastered all over facebook….
- And here you are, more alone than you ever have been before. Lost. Confused. Consumed.
- Out of nowhere you begin to cry again. This time you don’t seem to be able to stop it, and you vaguely see your mother turn to you, but she can’t quite bring herself to ask you the question that she most desperately wants to.
- She is scared and worried. She sees her child before her, unrecognisable. On deaths door. She wants to ask herself what she could have done to stop this happening. She wants to take the time back and be your saviour. To stop this pain.
But you have already asked yourself this question for months.Sleepless nights. Questions left unanswered.So now I ask you, was it worth it?Did you really want to relapse?Or was it this illness trying to control and take everything away from you? Wanting to take your life away.Did you want the lights to turn off? For life to stop?It is never right for a mother to have to bury her own child.
It was comforting at that moment in time; you thought it was the right thing to do. But all too soon it was out of your control and you were spiralling out of control.
Today you have the power to stop this from continuing.You can make your voice heard; don’t let it drown you out.
This is not how your story has to end.Reach out, speak out; there are people there to listen.Please don’t let this be the end.
You are loved.You are worthy.And you are deserving of life.
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