countenance @andwlita - Tumblr Blog

I bought a new house

It's now being renovated. I plan to put it on rent. I'm still sane, people are just really willing to be stupid sometimes.

Anyway, things are so funny after the breakup. I saw him struggle a lot. Late payments on rent, high electrivity bills, saw him bumped into another car in front of a hospital with my parents with me in the car while we were busy with the new house. I tried reconnecting with him because I feel bad but the universe just keeps reminding me how I should just move on by how he responds to me like it's all my fault. He really doesn't feel the weight of what he did to me. He still lives nearby and it's so annoying.

I don't plan on catching up with him anymore. I just can't move properly because he's near. I blocked him in all my social media and he asked me why. He's just really stupid to ask. I miss him tho, I prolly miss more the intimacy rather than the connection. Mostly because I'm on my period now.

March 23, 2025

2 months from breakup and I'm in a better headspace. I can enjoy music now, specifically breakup songs and Hozier. My work tho is a bit shaky. I don't know if I'm going to be regularized but unlike relationships, my options are open. He called me last March 14th, I don't know but I didn't pick up the call cause I don't want anything disturbing my peace. It just shows how he's losing in life, I'm right about everything. Just like what I told my friend, I'm not gonna fucking blame myself. I don't have a child with him, my debt is wiped, and no car to tie us together. I'm disgusted with the idea of him or being with anyone.

I wanna move out and planning on buying low cost land, so I can finally start my life. I'm going into my thirties and I wanna do a lot. I'm exercising a lot too. I just did 10k walk today and had alcohol for breakfast. This is the ultimate peace I'm looking forward to. I wish for more peace. On my third month from breakup, I'm gonna be officially and ultimately single. I'm gonna do whatever the fuck that I want. Life is good. I do sometimes miss him but I don't care anymore.

Feb 25, 2025

It's been a month since we officially broke up. I finally had the courage to uninstall the apps I used just for him. Sometimes, I download it again just to check on him. I thought 30 days would help me heal. It doesn't hurt as much but everyday I think of him. What helped me move on was knowing that he has means to pay for his electricity and that he ultimately doesn't need me anymore. He's very active on social media than I am. His ex tried following me the next day him and I broke up which was funny because that's a sign that they are talking about me and he's prolly asking money from her. I do miss him a lot, because afternoon voids were usually dedicated to me going to his place to hangout and tend to him. Now, I'm trying to replace those voids dedicated to taking care of myself. I'm so desperate in distracting myself that I tried looking for a property to purchase and dedicate my time on it. Unfortunately, I didn't win the bid. Some days I would find myself daydreaming how our exchanges would be if we were in some place that would interest me. Most of the time I would know that he'd complain and keep me short instead. I knew that even if he found money, he'd rather spend it on someone else. I find it funny that bit by bit I am reminiscing about the interactions that we had where I keep on telling myself that it wasn't real. I kept on dreaming about him, longing for his embrace but in my dream it was in someone else's arms. The breakup was so painful that I always find myself crying after I masturebate. He's the only guy who makes me orgasm and when I do, I remember him and I started weeping. Whenever I look at couples staring at each other, I always have flashbacks when we were staring at each other while I was crying and he was going off on me. There was one day that I find myself realizing, he never said sorry to me, the last time we talked. He was all egotistic. Was it me? I said sorry hundred times, yet he never returned it. He did thank me for all the gesture I gave him but all of it was verbal. It was never, I did this just because. I thought of you so I made this huge effort even though my capacity can't. It was all, just enough to swoon you. Just enough to grab you a little but never impress you. My days are filled with, what should I do to fill this gap? It's not the previous, "How do I help him? Is he ok? I need to spare money for him". Now it's "I have enough spare money, I don't know what to do with it. " It's a blessing, yes but of course I'm still processing everything. I'm still thinking about it, because it was the most love I shared. It was a thing I dedicated my time on, poured my whole heart on. I welcomed him into my family, opened my heart, let him in my soul. It's up to him if he has a new girl now and he put it to waste. He knows me, I don't fuck around. I loved him. It still hurts but going back would hurt more. I was close to reaching out to him but I asked myself, why didn't he? It will take a whole damn while for me to move on. I can't even force myself to have the desire to meet new people, or enter a relationship. It's not that I need to, it's more of thoughts passing by. I don't have the appetite to watch a new series, converse with a new person, or even listen to happy songs. I build old habits because I want to distract my brain. I did read a book but the flavor's not there. It's all bland, I'm not blaming anyone. I know it's part of human nature.

It's just feels all plateau. Calm but empty. Now I know the feeling my cousin said that she feels like she's just floating. The thought of coming back is there but he's gone.

I'm focusing on myself now as it should. I'm not expecting anything. I just want to be distracted. Floating like I'm here physically but my brain wants to wander, my soul just nowhere to be found now.

17th day

It's been 17 days since I called it off. I still feel hurt. Last week wasn't painful but today it was. I found myself lighting another cigarette just to calm myself while my parents are away. I don't know why I'm still clinging to him. There's nothing anymore. No texts. I guess what triggered it is I looked at his FB profile and the post he shared about me is gone. I asked chatgpt why but it could be he's moved on and preparing his profile for a new girl. I'm out here weeping, still processing and he’s already preparing to remove me from his life? Had to walk 10k steps just to forget, and it wasn't enough. My friend and I drank alcohol today and I'm still mourning. It shouldn't feel more painful than when I lost appa but it is. I had to go to singapore to calm myself and it didn't help. Youtube said I have to feel but I still can't. It's not helping me forget. I hate that I'm longing for him beside me when i was in bed a while ago. He can't go away from my brain and I'm too depressed to watch a series. I'm out here typing my heart out, hoping it will be cathartic but it still feels like it's there. Last monday, I did it myself and finished crying because I miss him so much. I'm near messaging him but he closed the door on me because i'm useless to him. Our messenger still has the heart theme. I know this is withdrawal but how do I help myself. If I come back this i what's going to happen:

1. He'll ask me to bring back the car.

2. He'll tell me he's not emotionally available anymore.

3. He'll ask me for money.

4. Same cycle will happen.

5. I have him back but the problems that come with him will come back too. On valentine's, he'll definitely not take me out. Most importantly, he wouldn't be able to bring me flowers ever because he still hasn't paid his meralco.

6. He's definitely mad at me because I left him with nothing. But he had the 5.4k, debt from pedro, debt from michael to utilize so he can bring himself up.

7. For sure, he already reconnected with his ex.

8. Had sex with a new girl.

9. Told his friends and family I broke up with him cause he has no money telling them I'm the bad person.

10. It will definitely not be the same anymore.

And

Do I want that? No.

I'm crying because he's moving on without me. I'm mourning to our potential. There was a deep connection but it took a lot of work to get there, and in the end, I'm still going to be the one carrying everything.

Why was it that good? I guess because of me.

I was reminiscing these moments:

1. Time when we went to UP Technohub, I was the one initiating. He initiated to help me with Kel's car but I have to gas up. We were fighting, and when we went home, I lack sleep and I was also crying because he got mad I can't put 200 more gas for him. I even paid 1,500 for our thai meal which he said sucks. So why can't I feel a sense of relief?

2. New Year. I had to ask my sister's car so we can get the food. I ended up missing some games for my family, he wasn't mindful of the time, he said he regret that he celebrated NY's with me which could've been him grinding. Why am I still longing for that?

3. He treated me out to eat but we were still half half with pares. No fighting but there's not much deep conversation anymore.

On Monday, I'll stop looking at his feed. Uninstall twitter and whatsapp, to forget it all. I have to push myself because all I gained from our relationship was:

1. Added weight, not only fat but problems.

2. My tampered credit.

3. Trauma.

Why was I happy? Was it because he was there? Not really, because I made it all happen. Please nicole, remember that. I love you. He didn't love you, maybe a glimpse cause he heard the right words. He twisted you, but all these happiness from him. You did it yourself, to making both of you happy. He was there, his efforts are what he can. He's not willing to push it cause you don't have a family. It's the reality. It's time to let go and stop...

Stop na, it's enough. I love you. Write your thoughts down again to help yourself. Let's not spiral anymore, We are wasting time. We have to be thinking about our real passion. Gym, Innovation, Family, Art, and Ourself.

Are you not blind? Everyone hates him. If he did you good, he'll surely come back because that's what love is. You don't pass problems that put another person in danger to someone you love. You should be happy, he's on his own standing up for himself as he should.

Mind you, he's older than you. He has two degrees. He knows what he's going through and doing. It's not your fault. You got this, I believe in you.

Jan 13, 2025

I don't know what hurts more, losing myself or losing the other half who I visioned my life with, or maybe both. January 11, 2025, he decided he's "pulling out" of the love and bullshit that we had and stay in business. That says a lot on about how he treats me.

We lost respect for each other, mainly because of money. Do I blame myself, yes. Do I blame him, I'll let the universe decide. Why do I even talk about blaming when all I want was to fix the relationship. Why did we break up, he said, generally it will never work. The way I perceive money makes him tick. He said there's this one day where he had to travel and need 250 pesos to ride angkas. At that time, he's squeezing money out of me like I have unlimited budget. He said if I was a normal girlfriend, I would give him money straight without questions. That's not how it works for me. He said his friend's girlfriends willingly give them money without questions, I kept telling him that I am not that type of person and his friends are lucky they met them. He's screaming at me like I'm a prey he wants to devour. He's had enough. A month back we had ringing arguments, he said you'll see. It will all pile up and January 11, 2025 was that day. My heart really hurts, I'm grieving. This week I planned on letting him come over because my parents are in vietnam, but I just imploded. It took a toll on us when the car payment lapsed 2 days, I'm that dense too I know but the client is owing us 30k and we needed 14k more to make up for the car payment and I am done shelling out money. I've given him too much of my credit and they are all still unpaid. He said all I care about was the car but all of that was for him! I never received serious profit from the car, only him. I was asking his client to sign a promissory note to take his word in a paper. What I hated was he wasn't taking all of it seriously that he had the confidence to go with his friend in Cainta and didn't even look for a way to print the note. He was really pushing it, that is where I got mad. Even a digital signature he cannot accomplish and he said we should just take his word for it and use him as collateral itself. What type of a businessman does that? I get that they're friends but he's not the only one at stake here. It was 2 am and I was shouting at him, he's had enough. I understand too, it's my fault. The next day, he still said good morning, but when I started questioning again about his client, he lashed out on me. Full blown voice notes of how I disrespected him, ruined everything, and him pulling out.

At first I was okay with him pulling out because I was confident that he'll go back to me but January 11, it's becoming real. We were supposed to sleep together because I'm alone at home and reconcile but he wasn't responding. I found out the next day, he went out with his friends and got pizza from a pizza place I was eyeing before. I apologized and told him he can come here to reconcile, no replies. I was crying at 2 am and he was having fun with his friends. I told him why is he willing to lose me than the car, and he kept on saying the car is what matters to me but the moment things starts ringing, he chose the car over me, amazing.

As a person with lowest fucking self esteem and respect, I couldn't take the fact that he's not there anymore. I asked him if I can meet him, no replies. I told him I am willing to do everything to fix it, so I packed lunch, which I cooked shrimp, skipped breakfast and went to his place. The gate is open, I go up to his apartment and took a while to compose myself and knock on the door. He opened it and I started crying saying sorry. He started kissing my head. I sat beside him and asked him if he's sure we are breaking up. His mood changed, he said he just woke up. I know I was adamant on asking him, he got irritated. He got up started cleaning and telling me how I don't deserve him and how he doesn't want me in his life anymore. I told him I'm sorry, I'm willing to fix it. He said NO, a thousand times. And I hugged and begged for him to not go. It was the most exhausting thing, I haven't had real food, I'm sobbing, and I feel dry and pale. I begged and begged like I have no self esteem left in my body. He told me everything without pause how he thinks of me.

He said someone who loves him will never disrespect him.

Only who knows the truth in my heart, how I poured everything for him. He said I am easily replaceable, he can look for other girlfriends who are willing to give him 100k straight, he doesn't see a future in me because I am useless to him. All in my face, while I sob, begging for him to stay with me.

I had enough, I told him if he doesn't want me, fine. I came to his place to fix it and it's not working. I was sobbing and told him he doesn't need to call me on Wednesday because I don't want to do anything with the car anymore. He got up and started hugging me and asked me to sit down.

I waited for him to finish smoking. I told him please don't breakup with me. He just stared at me for one minute crying, he can't speak. My head hurts. His friend called him and he acted like nothing is happening. I walked out, he pulled my hand and I waited. We went down, I was staring at the floor like I witnessed a war zone in front of my eyes. I can't fathom how he can say all those things to me and tell me, it's not over YET but wait til Wednesday. I told him I don't need to know anything on Wednesday, the car is not important to me. It's a protest to how he thinks I'm here for the money but it's him who is here for the money. I told him if this relationship is important to you, you wouldn't hesitate to say no, I don't wanna breakup. But although what happened, I understand that he had to let go of me. It wasn't a good start and it ended worse. I was there for him and him only. I got to know myself better and learned that I need to improve myself. I'm quietly waiting for Wednesday but I know this is his tipping point, and I understand, I've been subconsciously assessing his behavior for the part months, he's avoiding and disengaging especially during the holidays. I know that he will progress when there's a motivator like this for him. I want the very best for him with or without me. I gave him everything that I don't normally say yes to. Especially my financial principles and cultural preferences. My family welcomed him with open arms and more. He chose to move on without me, and that's ok. I am grieving hard because I am confused, brokenhearted and lost. Looking at how much I poured my heart out for him for the past year, I tried my best to build him. Of course, you cannot build a man. But I cannot comprehend either of how much above and beyond I went for him, and he threw it away because of my attitude. I think that's love. I love him and if he choose to not be with me. I'll let him be.

#My Chiefoo

February 24, 2024

It's been two months since I last wrote and wow, it was such a heavy downfall from there. January, I got into an accident. I'm still in one piece and glad I didn't kill anyone. The car is alright now but the scar is still there. The insurance was very helpful but there's more story to that. On Dec 30, I was hanging out with my friends and touring them around las pinas and they really appreciated it. We went to the coffee shop that my sister and I biked, to molito, seen fireworks and town center. It was fun. It was traffic but light in my heart.

The next day which was day before new years. We were invited by my sister to have dinner at their place and I wanted to be out of the house so I told my mom to go there and bought them food for new year's eve. While driving around dinner, this 17 year old guy crashed the side of my car. I prayed twice to not get into a car crash because I had an intuition it will happen and it did. Everyone in QC was crazy. It was a long night of crying. Before going to my sister's place, I went to Chief's place to just really be around him and he said he will be with his friend. I didn't message him while I was in the accident because I would know that he cannot do anything for me as he was still low at this point. So I called my sister and apologized for having to drag her with me at this situation. The car got fixed under a month but yesterday, the guy messaged that he received a demand letter asking to pay for the expenses. I panicked and thankfully, my sister and her husband was there again to console me.

February happened and I found out that I have a 9 cm cyst inside my ovaries and I am bound for surgery and need a month or more to recover. What's funny or confusing for me is that in the middle of this situation, Chief was begging me to sign for his car loan, even though it's his money. He doesn't understand the risks that he's taking me with. He doesn't understand that we're only 4 months in and I was being patient for him to grow but I didn't expect him to use me this way. He initially asked me to shell out money to earn. I was asking for details yet he's not revealing anything to me. How could someone be this "wicked", he praises wicked people. How could he ask me for this while I'm on the verge of starting my operation? When he received money from his mom, he was so happy he called me to hangout and go grocery with him. Now that i didn't sign for him, I'm now the one begging for him to see each other. I know he's still mad because I didn't sign but all signs are saying no and it's such a red flag for him to ask me that. He even told me he's doing it for us but he didn't even consulted me in the first place. I'm trying to recover from what just happened and my best friend keeps telling me to let him go and this is the cycle all over again.

I keep on meeting men like these who use me for whatever they think I'm useful for. I thought chief was different because he was ready to wife me up because I give him peace. Now that I refused to sign some document for him. It all now feels shaky. I asked him to meet today but he preferred to meet tomorrow. I was the one who even demanded him to have breakfast with me, he said he'll see what happens. It's not a straight yes anymore. What do I see in him? Is it because he was serious about me but I'm the one whose making an effort to make this work. I told him I don't need flowers but my God, the perfect guy would give me without question. He said he didn't even think about it. When will I come to my senses? Is he still worth it? I may have just been blinded by his future plans about me and just anticipating for it. I'm not even here because I want his money. I want him because of him, he said he sees that but why does his actions say otherwise?

There was this instance that I jokingly got mad because he didn't bring money to buy cigarettes and he felt hurt because I told him that. Why would he even buy and expect me to pay for him if I'm not even smoking? Like does he expect me to buy all of the things for him? After he got his money, it didn't happen again. Yesterday, I wrote all the things he did that was a red flag for me and it wasn't hard for me to list it all down. As for the green flag, the red ones still outweigh the red.

There was this one day where I just smiled the whole day with him, we went to the coffee shop and it was his treat. He bought me an aquaflask but I asked for it but he did suggest the bottle to be bought and he took me home. Is it part of the plan just to keep me, will it be the same in the future?

I'm gonna be confined and in recovery for a month and asked him to do abstinence, will he abide? Lord, before I don't believe you but he mad me feel safe in your existence. If you exist, please let this be a smooth ride. Spare me from all the worries. It's only two months into this year and I don't wanna suffer anymore. Is it because I met him? What did I do to deserve these? Will I ever be happy?

Dec 18, 2023

A lot has happened and I am grateful for everything.

I am typing this with my new keyboard and it's a testament to how much improvement I have done for the past year. I can buy whatever I want years from now that I didn't imagine I can.

I graduated from my master's and it's truly fulfilling. I won second place on a hackathon which is beyond my imagination that it would happen.

A lot of opportunities are in place and I don't have the right drive to pursue as it takes a lot of mental toll to go in and it doesn't interest me that well. One is the launchpad that I will be dedicating 12 weeks part time for wherein I have already gone through it and don't wanna redo it again. I want something established already under the healthcare industry yet it's so hard to talk to medical professionals facing a designer who isn't really that tenured in the field. Another one is the opportunity to be a senior manager for a casino which I also don't have passion for but have the experience to be. I don't know if I go through my route or the easy was to piggybacking someone's idea. Well, signs point to going on my own, so maybe that's what I will do next year and be in touch with people who are driven and believe in me.

Apart from that, I met someone wonderful whom I haven't introduced to my family yet but might be the first time I will. He's chief and damn wherever we go we just talk well. I don't feel unsafe taking my clothes off and he is really serious about me and sees a future with me. Problem is obvious, and I voiced it out to him most of the time and he's very empathic about it. I get to always compromise, pay and make an effort for him but he said he'll take care of me. I even had injectables to make the most of our moments. Although, I also did it for me. We had great conversations and it wasn't uncomfortable to go to him to places and he's game about it most of the time. He do think about that it could be better for the both of us in some way but he's at the lowest point of his life now. I can tell him everything, my feelings, frustrations and ideas. We share the same principles of praising vulnerability and not be ashamed of it. He reads books, enjoys the same interest and entertainment. I wish it will be better and will not end and hope that my family will accept him. Although, I don't know why they wouldn't be accepting him. If it's a shallow reason then I'm on my own path. Not just for him but also for my own good. I can say I like him a lot but love is part of it and if this continues then I could finally say I wholeheartedly love him.

I'm happy that I am at the point in my life where I can sustain myself comfortably and do what I want at my own capacity and have gained friends this year. I hope it will continue more and wouldn't make me come to a point of the lowest in my life as I have already started that way. Right now, I am enjoying my three week shut down of reading, smoking nicotine and watching entertainment I left behind.

Aug 18 2023

I am 27 but I feel 25.

This week was the most interesting thing. It has reflected how I grow as a person.

Someone revealed to me that she cried while I was unknowingly hanging out very well with this guy who I really think is my soulmate. We were having a great time that we can spend the whole day just talking and walking around the museum. I didn't know my actions were making someone hurt but I never dipped my toes but only vibed. After the thorough conversation of listening to this lady, at first I went home feeling pretty but a day went by, it felt like my interactions with her was all fake. I was being talked about without me knowing. I wasn't expecting that someone would really feel that way about me, I grew up super insecure. I can empathize with her but damn, she's more blessed than me. With much deliberation, I just decided that I will be avoiding people like her who gossips and asks people of their body count.

This guy, let's call him Franco, he was the most subtle guy whom I wouldn't pay highly attention to but everything he says can really hook someone into making friends or bond with him. Our interactions would make me question if he should be with me but I know the world doesn't work that way so I'll just go my own way and move on from what was happening.

We just submitted the final requirement for our last subject and preparing for the big presentation. I don't know what doors are opening for me but I hope it's going to be the best.

Term 5 - Jun 26, 2023

So much has happened, be it heartbreaks and wins.

I lost Appa and it’s been 33 days since. It was the most painful thing that has happened to me. I know he will be gone but not this soon. Everything was so vivid to know that I lost my best friend. I kept on blaming myself that he was gone but that won’t bring my best friend back. Without words, our bond is pure. We communicate through eyes and sounds that made it so magical. It’s just sad that my heart is open yet my environment won’t let me.

Term 5, yes.2 more months and we’ll be capping off this master’s education that is too good to be true. Of course I’ll be paying a lot of money for this. I just need to know how I’ll be able to maximize the return of my education.

It’s been a rollercoaster. Starting from silent incompetence to struggling to get along with more incompetence knowing that my peers are from a school with good reputation. It’s a learning journey for me to know what it’s like to work with seniors. I appreciate it but there’s just a lot of bias and filtering needed to be done, which is so annoying. Anyway. I’m on my break and trying to lose weight through military diet. I’m on bumble premium but not taking people seriously and putting myself first. I’ve been travelling a lot around baler, siargao, and Tokyo. I am so proud that I get to see these places and able to afford them financially. I don’t know if I am finally living my life.

I also got 98 with my report and 92 with the presentation which I cried a lot because it cost me the life of my best friend and such emotional and physical turmoil I’ve been through being hospitalized. I hope every hardwork I’ve done would take me from one place to somewhere I would definitely want to be. I’ve been feeling left out recently. It’s like high school all over again, why do these things happen? I wanna come into my senses why I am worth more than they think. I am worth it, I am enough.

Feb 27 2022

My wrists are hurting but I really wanna write about my feeling and get the sadness out of me already. I always come here when my thoughts are consuming me. I'm doubting myself, surorisingly, the person whose proud of herself is doubting. I keep on thinking what is wrong with me that i never end up long term with someone. I know I am picky with people but when I do hit it off with someone, it doesn't go where it supposed to be. I know the buddhism way of thinking around this but you just can't help the emotions consume you.

This guy who looks like the dream guy, too good to be true, pursued me and lead me to think that there was something. Now he asked for time for himself because he's grieving. I respect and understand it but I know in my gut, this is his way of escape. From the start, I know there will be a time that he will ask to be let go and here it is. I took it alright but emotionally, it's not okay so I'm ending it now.

I wanna think it through on why I should not let it consume me. Why this situation doesn't have to eat up my mind.

1. He never told you he loved you. He just send you sweet words because you send him nudes and that is the truth. SWALLOW IT ALREADY.

2. You never videochatted. You never really confirmed he's real, in case he is, IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

3. He said he'll come here, where is he now???

4. He KEEPS ON SHUTTING YOU OUT whereas real couples take care of each other during rough times.

5. What's the best thing you received from him? NONE, only messages. THOSE ARE JUST WORDS. WHERE ARE HIS ACTIONS???

6. HE NEVER CARES ABOUT YOU BECAUSE HE NEVER MADE PLANS WITH YOU

7. YOU MET HIM ON REDDIT AND NEVER SEEN HIS SOCIAL MEDIA. Do you think he's taking you seriously? NAH

8. ARE YOU WORTH THIS TREATMENT? HELL NO. You spent million on yourself and this is the guy you settle? Sure, he's handsome, BUT THAT'S IT. HE HAS TO PROVE HIMSELF TO YOU.

9. When was the time, a guy treated you like a princess that you want, never. YOU SHOULD SETTLE FOR SOMETHING BIG. TREAT YOURSELF LIKE A QUEEN. YOUR EMOTIONS DON'T HAVE TO BE WASTED ON THIS GUY.

10. SO, CAN YOU SEE NOW? HE DOES NOT IMPRESS YOU. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE NOW.

I think this is enough haha my hands are tired. My wrist shouldn't waste its energy on this problem that isn't really super important.

I LOVE YOU SELF. YOU GOT THIS. ❤️

Nov 18,2021

Past few months was a whirlwind for our family. A lot of betrayals have happened and it was an eye opener on the concept of love. Sappy, I know but my family’s experiences taught me a lot about it. There’s just simply no such thing as perfect relationship. My sister, I thought had it all, I mean, she’s already perfect yet her husband wanted more. Enough is not the satiating thing for him and we have always seen a facade that fooled us all. My other sister who got married has been ghosted by his husband. They might have their reasons but at least have the decency to explain to the person you married. I feel sad for my family. i just realized that being late in life might have its own advantages. At this age, I should’ve been married yet I can’t even find a guy who can tie up, seal the deal. I’m talking to this british guy and only my best friend knows about it and occasionally I show it to my 5 year old niece who has no idea what I am showing her, a portrait of this handsome guy.

We started talking from my reddit post, where I just wanna talk to someone and share my thoughts about the world. I do expect things to get sexual and he’s the one leading that, this was expected. Well, what would a british guy doing in that subreddit anyway, probably finding pussies. I was actually expecting him to ghost me every week when he replies late, I would always tell myself that he’s probably bored and going to ghost me. I always blame myself for not being exciting although it’s not my duty to do that since we haven’t really defined anything yet or never. We call each other many names, but my favorite part would be his good morning sunshines. I do think it’s not special because it’s too good to be true, I also expect him to cheat on me knowing we’re miles apart and conversations get exciting when the clothes are off. I like that he calls me darling and wishes me good sleep and asks me how I am. I guess that’s enough for me for now. He assures me I’m the only one but given what happened to my family, everything about assurance I just find bullshit. Usually the people surrounding you will always be the ones to betray you. Not unless he put a ring on it, i’ll believe in everything he says. We’re not in the depths yet, my best friend told me that I’m a test drive for the interracial explorations mostly whites have. I’ll just have to go with the flow and see what happens.

Pandemic has been getting loose here, I’m expecting normal habits soon. I’ve been reading a lot and the promised reviews were not yet here, I don’t think I’ll ever do it. I just place 3 liner reviews on goodreads but I am proud of myself for exceeding my goal. I’m also learning a lot and reading these books made me wanna go back to school and study but I’m still having a dilemma if it would be worth it for me to try. It’s always a good thing to do of course but fears don’t let me take a leap of faith.

We went to the beach last week and it was chill, I get to expose my body in its good state to the open and I love it. I don’t have the best body but body positivity is everywhere and everyone just doesn’t care what people think and i just love it. I love that everyone was ok and confident especially my family. I had been having arguments with my sister and I think it’s pretty normal and I’m trying to push myself more to be super patient and I like that I am trying.

So far I feel happy writing things down that happened to me lately and reflect and be thankful. I just need a decision on which big life choices should I pursue with the little amount of savings that I have. Should I do master’s? What if I can’t sustain it? Should I live overseas? I can’t even take a leap this moment. I am young, I should jump any minute now but I’m just really afraid which route to take.

Jun 29, 2021

Why am I the chosen one?

Fuck I’m sounding too dramatic. This guy I’m dating I intentionally don’t wanna get serious with or have a life with. He’s not that wonderful or anything, he’s just good in bed. HAHA I just find out that he has someone else, the audacity of this guy to fuck around. I’m thinking of getting back for fun but I just don’t really like investing my time on things like these but then I’m thinking bout the girl but is it worth it? I’m not in the level to really think about these things. I’m just thinking why do I attract these types of guys?

Why do I get all the trash? Do I not deserve someone I vide with? Fuck

Anyway, last Sunday, I hanged out with Mike, my guy friend since college, we ate at Rossini and Uma-uma. Fancy restos that I didn’t know I’ll be able to eat on. It was a nice midday hangout. Talked about a lot of things. Some time off before I really go through another week of hell which is this week full of fail fast and cheap agile shit. I’m just writing to release these thoughts. I’m currently watching Godzilla and liking anything godzilla related. I might dive deep into this character for a while, I even started liking sakura and sailormoon due to its aesthetics. They’re just so light to look at.

By the way, everything around me is falling apart. I feel like falling apart is already a natural thing.

Jun 10, 2021

Wow already half the year. A lot has happened and I’m so happy I have the energy to do what I accomplished this year. I’m 4 months in my work and the only thing that scaled, well, not yet completely scaled but have been accepted by the business is the healthcare project I joined which is still a stretch work that I’m doing that’s not accumulating 100% of my time, but that’s alright because I’m still being paid by the company.

I’m reading my 10th book this month which is The Institute by Stephen King, I haven’t had much motivation to do stuff lately, maybe because the caffeine in me is crashing and sometimes I’m finding it hard to select words to describe what I want to express. I bought l-theanine yesterday to help me with that problem and get back my focus on reading. Last two books I read were The Code Breaker which is super cool, it’s the first serious autobiography reading I’ve done and it’s so fun to read. Another book I read was Crypto Trading, which jumpstarted me into crypto investing not trading because all I’m currently doing is buy.

I’ve also renewed my license, I can’t believe I’ve been driving for 5 years and turning 25 soon. Turning 25, hopefully I’d have lots of freedom to do what I want and live independently and finally face the world that I’m supposed to. This pandemic made me feel anchored into taking responsibility for my family who thinks they’re stressing but I’m more stressing but still feel blessed that I’ve accomplished what I wanted for years financially and mentally.

I had a quiet time for myself yesterday and felt doing it more. I was supposed to meet this guy I met on reddit but he slept longer and didn’t reply, lowkey looks like he did i on purpose. Oh well, this is nothing serious, I don’t think this would escalate, hopefully and just someone I can have company with.

As for the project that nd onboarded me, it still hasn’t progressed due to legal papers I don’t know what’s taking it so long. I’ve done the logos and I feel like the movement is so slow, it was expected to move starting March and it still hasn’t yet.

I also bought a watercolour pad for me to work on just doing random watercolor stuff as part of my added hobby since this is my first love. Also bought brushes which I’m so excited to use and post my artwork online and maybe get serious about it.

Anyhow, that’s mostly the update I have and hopefully soon I can have the freedom I wanted for so long.

#personal

March 20, 2021

I'm almost going in on a month in my work and I'm anxious that I haven't fully delivered and yet I've been buying equipments and not sure if I'll be able to use this in the future. I hope I will, I decided to not park the fun for my taxes and used the fund to buy an external monitor and a clicky mechanical keyboard. So far, it's been playing a huge part on getting me motivated like how I like typing so much that I manage to insert a blog entry. I just finished a book called Klara and the Sun and it's very nice. Nice in a way that it's not as profound but a book that would contribute to your well-being. It's my sixth book so far this year and I can't believe I'm able to finish six books in a year. I'm targetting twelve this year.

Another thing is I've accomplished an enterprise design thinking practitioner from IBM that is for free! I'm very happy but I really hope that it will provide great impact in the real world, I feel like I haven't achieved a genuine achievement but I'm not in a rush, things are a work in progress.

I also tried joining Rvy with his sister and a friend biking but I didn't genuinely enjoy the experience maybe because I had expectations but I also expected it to be a bit awkward since we don't really vibe like genuine people. We only talk about work and superficial stuff, that's all. All I thought of when we interacted at peak 8 hours was I'm dying to go home hahaha. But it was nice, I should be grateful I got invited by people to go to these events.

Feb 28, 2020

How time flies, it's already the end of February, this month has been anxiety inducing. I don't want to go back. I finally dived into my new job, it was anxiety inducing as well. Maybe it was just how uncomfortable it was and uncertain to onboard myself into a company I don't know if it was really legit since it wasn't the usual onboarding where you are guided and you see a human face. This is where I realise how important human expressions are. I cried the first three days on how hard it was to accomplish the checklist whereas it wasn't. I got used to asking for something and it was given to me right away. I was really anxious the whole week, I felt like a child who lost my parents in the mall and I realised this wasn't the end of these type of adventures and these are some of the situations I should be prepared for. Very very scary February for me, although I'm lucky enough for some aspects since I was hired by a reputed company and I get to be involved in a project that I'm curious about though I cannot disclose it all on this writing.

Feb 25 was thankfully a holiday and I get to take a pause from the anxiety. I planned to spend it by reading whole day and just be chill and exercise. I was invited by Rvy to go out and eat. I had a surprising approval by my mom since he's Chinese. I know, very racist. So I went, and enjoyed his company although we don't talk so much like I did with MD but it was alright to be just with a company. I can't remember the restaurant but it was in Remedios Circle. I drove there and I enjoyed driving. We also went to Cartimar and just explored the whole place. I just really appreciated this person who thought about me.

I finished the book, Lack and Transcendence and mannnnnn, it's the greated book so far. I will dedicate a sole review for it. I turned to audio books next and started reading psychology of persuasion since I wanna read very fast and not rely on my own voice in the meantime. My voice is reliable if I was under red bull but lately, red bull don't do me any favor. I think I grew tolerance from it that's why I have to lay a bit low on it.

So far, I'm still scared, like how it usually is whenever I join a new company. I hope I'll be at a point where it would go flawlessly but I'll try to embrace more of this anxiety in the meantime. I've learned that it's part of being human.

Feb 21, 2021

Tomorrow would mark my first day at another company. I wasn't really that much well-accompanied by the new employer as i haven't received my new device yet. I am a bit anxious about this slowness. I also was not yet oriented with the supervisor who I'll be working with and the project that I'll be working on. I've overestimated their capacity, I thought the introduction would be smooth but then, I am still in the blind as to what I'm going to be diving in. I assume the first weeks would be adjustment period but I'm the type of person who wants to dive in a project quickly. I should really be patient. I hope tomorrow, although this recently is something that I realised that hoping for tomorrow is anxiousness and a part of me being a human. Tomorrow, I hope things will run smoothly.

I've been reading a book titled Lack and Transcendence and it has validated and enlightened me. I already have the same beliefs with the author as he introduced me that this is the same practice as Buddhism but being validated is something fulfilling on my part. This book makes a lot of sense that I will dedicate a written review for this one which I haven't done before. Reading books has accompanied me through my anxiety the past months. My anxieties were less harmful than before. I like that books are somewhat a tool for my diversion. Before, I am longing for company due to the conversations I'm receiving but I think reading a book is the same and it has been therapeutic on my end. It's my first time to finish 4 books in a month also my first time to read books simultaneously 3 books at a time, 10% each day. I have previously underestimated myself but it just takes a lot of heightened perseverance for me to do this. I'm excited to apply what I read to my new company and the succeeding project that I'm expecting. I have a gut feeling some might not continue but I'm really pushing my intuition to not expect that decline.

Recently, my age has been bothering me, I shouldn't be anxious but I feel like I should be doing more. I have had the urge to go back and do studies but I'm afraid it might eat up my time instead of really doing hands-on stuff. I also am interested in pushing my brain to the limits. I also wanted to pursue Buddhism as my religion, MD was an enabler to this but it always has been in my roots. Buddhism makes a lot of sense to me. I'm surprised to knoe that they don't really recognise a higher being. I thought buddhism is more conservative than that. I might read more about this belief.

The turn of events which I already anticipated is that MD would not continue to talk to me made me become more aware of myself and the past that I experienced. I think I did really want to set aside MD voluntarily because building a relationship with him wasn't something I am ready for as well. I know he's not ready as well but I just really provoked it, nonetheless I would do things that would save it but then I recognise my worth. I know I should be reciprocated as equal as how I give, not because of the act of receiving but as mutual respect. I also think that I can meet people who are 'more', so this is not just him not reciprocating but also, me, recognising what I am worth. I need to learn more, I know there will be life events for both of us where we would really be separated so I have to accept that parting was a good thing.

I also grew interested in nature weddings, I wish to have that in the future with monks beside us, whoever us would be. I should really not turn my attention to looking for love, if there is. I will now drive my attention into growing myself as giving attention to giving for others has left me stressed out. I also have to grow my patience although that would be a bit less likely.

Validated

And so I was validated, I've been ignored for days by MD. I occupied myself with books and I'm aiming on finishing it this week. I demanded MD to cut ties with this girl and this baffled him. Although he didn't show it outright, I have a feeling he did. So, I was ignored. I know that even though a person is the busiest, he'll make time for things that matter and I don't matter. I thought I did but I don't. Whoever gave him the most benefit, he'll make time. No greetings, no hellos, just plain blank.

He messaged today, I did replied but deleted it, regretting I replied. My friend kept on telling me to stop talking to him and so I will. It's just so sad, all those emotions and time invested resulted to this. I hope this would be a lesson for me to not be so vulnerable anymore. I only becamse this vulnerable due to pandemic. I really hope this will knock me on my head and wake me up. I even prayed to two gods already. My mother didn't keep me in the womb to end up with him. I thank God, I have friends who let me see. I wish him well, I'll be ignoring him from now on.

I am validated that love is hard with him.

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