Product Review - NOT Floor Uplight (IKEA)
Product dimensions Height: 69 " (About my height with heels on) Base diameter: 10 " (Fits snugly into a conventional toilet bowl) Shade diameter: 7 " (Big enough to keep your dog from scratching) Cord length: 6 ' 3 " (That extra 3 " is critical, ask the ladies)
"Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself." -Erasmus
As much as I'd like to discover and emanate this light from within, the cryptic musings of a 15th century Dutch theologian aren't going to brighten up my shitty living room. Luckily, that's an easier fix than self-realization, and one that people prefer to solve without sipping ayahuasca in the Mojave desert. Yes, thanks to IKEA, you too can light up 1/3 of any room with the NOT Floor Uplight, standing generic (but not too generic) floor lamp. An added bonus is that you'll undoubtedly spend hours discussing (with yourself: let's be honest, you're alone) not only the irony in the name of the lamp, but the existential crisis it is having RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Now if you're not familiar with IKEA, it's like if the '94 Winter Olympics were to have sex with a Bed Bath & Beyond and have a child, and that child would be teased all throughout grade school, only to grow up and come out of a solid pine lacquered acrylic closet as the ultimate home and lifestyle mecca. The swedes have taken it upon themselves to revolutionize the home furnishing world via minimalistic fair trade swivel egg chairs and balsa wood bookcases named after biblical demons. Walk into any IKEA broke and you're guaranteed to leave with 6 bamboo plate mats, a $9 meat tenderizer you will affectionately refer to as your VÄRDEFULL, a belly full of horse-meat meatballs, and a new line of credit. But I digress. This lamp is as simple to assemble as it is cheap. Very. Full disclosure, after I opened the box I was quick to throw a fit when I found what appeared to be just a series of tent poles held together by a long vinyl wire. But my doubt subsided when I realized the design was a Euro trash homage to the ephemeral American's love of the great outdoors. The assembly took about 5 minutes in total. If you're an absolute moron, have no fear! The swedes have provided a contingency for all of their products that need assembly in the form of an instruction manual, featuring tips from what appear to be androgynous dumpling people with alopecia (In their attempt to be gender neutral, I was severely triggered. But I'll save that for my other blog). After assembly, plug the lamp into your desired wall socket and gaze upon your lovely husband/wife's face for the first time since the honeymoon. The lamp comes with a handy switch for each head (2), in case you don't like what you see. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the kitchen beating my head with VÄRDEFULL.
Product Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
A functional, contemporary floor lamp. It's easy for it to disappear into the clutter of your living room, but for the first week or so, it's long slender frame constantly reminded me of Tommy Guthrie's Razor scooter running over my dog in the 2nd grade. Fuck you Tommy.
