The reason why I havenât been posting much
Iâm mostly just kind of done with the âkin community. There isnât much reason for me to interact with it because Iâm not actively searching for canonmates and Iâm not really feeling the discourse. And I donât experience âmemoriesâ in the same way some other âkin do, so I donât have anything to share in that regard either.
Sometimes I wonder if my Sherlock thing is more of a median sub-system thing than a âkin thing (or maybe, as well as?), but I donât think the distinction is enough to say so. I donât think it helps (so to speak) that I try to act more Sherlock around sourcemates (and sometimes on this blog) rather than just embracing my own personality and the âkin shit that entails wrapped up in it. Itâs not that my normal self is totally unlike Sherlock; itâs that Iâm not secure enough in that being enough.Â
Basically, Iâm sitting here trying to hold myself up to standards of being âin characterâ when a) you donât need to be âin characterâ to be âkin of somebody, b) it doesnât even make sense to be exactly the same person, because Iâm not. Even if you see it as reincarnation, why would someone be identical across lives? And it makes even less sense when you see it as a psychological identity, like I do.
But then I get a small thrill of joy whenever somebody says I seem very much like Sherlock. To be recognised and identified as that person again (for whatever meaning of âagainâ applies to a psychological paradigm) is nice. And Iâd hate for somebody - Mycroft, maybe - to come across me and think I donât seem enough like the person he knew for him to drop me a line. Because I know I do that on potential canonmatesâs blogs. Not that they need to be exactly the same, but... thereâs a sort of feeling. A feeling of ârightnessâ.
Maybe theyâd get that even if I didnât try and exaggerate my Sherlock characteristics. I donât know.