The reason why I haven’t been posting much
I’m mostly just kind of done with the ‘kin community. There isn’t much reason for me to interact with it because I’m not actively searching for canonmates and I’m not really feeling the discourse. And I don’t experience “memories” in the same way some other ‘kin do, so I don’t have anything to share in that regard either.
Sometimes I wonder if my Sherlock thing is more of a median sub-system thing than a ‘kin thing (or maybe, as well as?), but I don’t think the distinction is enough to say so. I don’t think it helps (so to speak) that I try to act more Sherlock around sourcemates (and sometimes on this blog) rather than just embracing my own personality and the ‘kin shit that entails wrapped up in it. It’s not that my normal self is totally unlike Sherlock; it’s that I’m not secure enough in that being enough.
Basically, I’m sitting here trying to hold myself up to standards of being “in character” when a) you don’t need to be “in character” to be ‘kin of somebody, b) it doesn’t even make sense to be exactly the same person, because I’m not. Even if you see it as reincarnation, why would someone be identical across lives? And it makes even less sense when you see it as a psychological identity, like I do.
But then I get a small thrill of joy whenever somebody says I seem very much like Sherlock. To be recognised and identified as that person again (for whatever meaning of “again” applies to a psychological paradigm) is nice. And I’d hate for somebody - Mycroft, maybe - to come across me and think I don’t seem enough like the person he knew for him to drop me a line. Because I know I do that on potential canonmates’s blogs. Not that they need to be exactly the same, but... there’s a sort of feeling. A feeling of “rightness”.
Maybe they’d get that even if I didn’t try and exaggerate my Sherlock characteristics. I don’t know.