Angelical Darkness

"I once was lost but now am found"

[angelicaldarkness]

As it turns out, I'm not an experiment. My greatest conspiracy theory to explain my existence, was unfounded and false.

Thanks to science and biology, and doctors that have actually finally listened, I just have ADHD, and I'm Autistic and somewhere on the cusp of perimenopause, with a healthy dose of Endometriosis just for shits and giggles.

All this has been discovered in the last 12 months. I'm glad. It explains so much. Its been a lot to take in.

I was talking to my pyschologist last session though, and I still don't believe in unconditional love. I feel like I know what that is, but the people that love me don't.

I'm too this or too that.

I see her about some body dysmorphia. Who knew.

But how am I meant to love my body when nobody else has. Its big and squishy in places I'd rather not be squishy. And my belly just sits and makes me look pregnant. And my clothes cling unattractively too tight or ugly loose. Im very aware of the space I take up, which for someone who spent the majority of her life being small, is very difficult to comes to terms with.

How do I learn to love my body when my husband doesn't. He hasn't said so, but I know. I know in touch thats missing. The ways his eyes find somewhere else to look when im getting undressed or naked.

And the worst part is, you'd think this would be motivation right. But my brain and my body work against me. I make the plans and the lists and the routines, but I cant action them without overwhelm and fear. Have I always been this way?

I remember being active and busy and full of life, but if im really truely honest, thats because my life revolved around others - doing what they wanted, what kept the peace, what made them happy. Because I wasnt allowed any of that.

But its never been like that with him. I do what I want when I want. But I dont know how to do that. So for 10 years ive been stuck in this procrastination paralysis, thinking im broken and depressed, but really my brain was missing a few updates.

So here we are. 43. An understanding of my brain. An understanding of my constant pain or issues with my body. A hormonal storm brewing. A dislike of my own shape and skin.

I look in the mirror and see her. I know he does too. I cant help genes. I wonder if one day he'll leave, like he said three years ago.

I try not to care. To do this for me and only me, but it matters so much what he thinks and feels.

I could just ask him. But im afraid of the answer, what if im right?

What if im wrong?

I know he loves me, he loves me so much. I know in the way he talks to me, the way he treats me. Hes my best friend.

I just want to be desired. I just want to feel like Im not a frumpy old woman. Does he feel like a frumpy old man? Do I make him feel desired?

Anyway. Thats my once in a blue moon life update.

Maybe next time I'll love myself enough to share a photo. I've never liked photos of myself though so probably not.

Life is good. I am loved. Thats what's important.

[angelicaldarkness]

I'm trying to be independent. I'm trying to remember how to be on my own. I'm trying to believe I'd be fine on my own. I'm not on my own. There's no plans to be on my own. But just one conversation has scared me. I don't want to be on my own. He's still the first person I think of when I wake, when something good happens, when something bad happens, when I fall asleep. When I'm far away I want to always be in touch, connected. Sometimes I feel like staying in touch means he can't forget me, but then sometimes I feel like I'm too much that I'm overwhelming. I worked so hard to get rid of all my fears, to work on my insecurity. For one conversation to undo it all. I always thought it'd be forever, but a part of me wonders if anything is for forever,. I trying to be comfortable on my own, but all I want his voice, his touch, his presence.

All it took was one conversation to undo all the security I felt. I need constant reassurance but I know asking for it is too much. And I don't want to be too much. It's funny how you can be too much and not enough at the same time.

I'm trying hard to be independent again, but I'm in love, and all I want is him.

[angelicaldarkness]

At what age do we stop obsessing about our weight?

At what age do we just learn to love ourselves as we are?

At what age is looking in the mirror not nauseating?

How do we know which diet is right, when they all claim to be right?

How do we know the correct times to eat, when the information is conflicting?

How do stop binge eating in secret, when everyone thinks we're doing so well?

Why can't food be enjoyable?

Why does it have to be necessity only?

Why is eating always such an issue?

Is starving yourself the same as fasting?

Is it necessary to label foods good or bad?

Is there ever going to be a day, I'll be okay?

[angelicaldarkness]

Friendships are fickle things. You're encouraged to be entirely yourself, but the truth is, you can't be to you, because that's always too much.

I wonder if that's why internet friendships work so well. You can share your deepest darkest secrets, feelings and thoughts with someone and form bonds that last years over thousands of miles. Yet they don't ever know you, not really really. So maybe that's why they are the best friendships to have.

Or maybe it's literally me. Maybe I am too much. For friendships, for family, for romantic relationships, for anyone really.

[angelicaldarkness]

I remember a time when my body was the main attraction. My curves. My larger than average breasts. The way I was a "try anything once" kinda girl. I remember when it wasn't hard to find someone to meet my needs. I remember being wanted. Physically.

But I guess age changes that. Gravity. The curves have become, curvier in a more rounded way. I guess there just naturally comes a day when you're just not wanted physically anymore.

I just expected to be old and grey when it happened.

[angelicaldarkness]

The problem with you making my heart all a flutter, is that when I make you unhappy or sad it feels like it's made of a thousand tiny fragile glass butterflies shattering into millions of pieces.

Do I donthe same to you?

Flutter, shatter, flutter...

[angelicaldarkness]

I'm supposed to write. Get it all out of my head.

But what if there's nothing to say. What if, I just feel this way for no apparent reason? Then what do I do?

[angelicaldarkness]

But what if, and hear me out, what if being able to love, or not, conditionally, is a personality trait.

What if, it's like half the world likes the pickle, half doesn't. Half the world does believe pineapple belongs on pizza (it does), half doesn't.

I always believed there was no such thing as unconditional love, not even with parents. It was 100% a myth in my world. Because love always came with conditions. I always had to make others happy for then to love me. Eventually I just stopped believing in love. How can ypu really love someone if it comes with conditions? What happens when they break a condition, do they just, leave?

Apparently yes, yes they do. They will throw away years of friendship, years of being family year of being married...they'll walk away from it all if you don't meet their conditions.

I think about this alot. What I have lost, what I could lose.

Those of us that can love conditionally, we're like a secret society. We diverge from the norm. Are we even real? Do we really even know what love is?

It seems much more normal to love conditionally than unconditionally.

What if there is no unconditional? What if I'm doing it wrong? What if I'm not really in love?

Or I could have been right all right, I'm not loveable, unless I fit the right mould.

And I've never fitted into any mould. So will my fear come true? Will I grow old and die alone?

I just thought, for a brief moment that this is it. This is my life. This is love.

But love is fragile, and I forgot that. Love can be taken at any moment. Love, always will come with conditions, no matter who, what or where.

Love is not a fairytale.

Love is work. Sometimes hard sometimes easy.

Love, always has conditions.

[angelicaldarkness]

I can't fix what I don't know and if I can't fix what I don't know it's gets more broken and then it breaks me and it's a vicious circle of not knowing and breaking and nothing ever being fixed.

When all it takes is a conversation. And truth. There must always be truth, even when it hurts.

Now I just need to stop being afraid of saying my truth. I'll fix the broken thing first. Then maybe I'll be brave.

[angelicaldarkness]

Maybe I am a bad person

Perhaps I deserve to hurt

Maybe I'm not who I think I am

Perhaps the world sees me truly

Maybe my tears aren't real

Perhaps I don't feel a thing

Maybe I'm imagining this tightness in my chest

Perhaps I feel nauseous because I'm sick

Maybe I am just unloveable

Perhap I was right all along

Maybe tomorrow will be better....

[angelicaldarkness]

I don't think I'll ever belong, no matter where I go or who I make friends with. My age will always be wrong. My interests will always be wrong. My goals in life will not align and my priorities will differ. I'll always be the odd one out.

And the older I get the harder it is to pretend I do fit. That I can listen to hours of conversation irrelevant to me. That I understand decisions that would make quality of life harder.

The older I get the more alone I feel. The more I stick to staying home, making excuses and being that flaky friend.

I have my best friend in my husband, but even we are complete opposites and when we are having a negative moment as all couples do, I am truly alone in this world. Because he's the only I one I have where I can be wholly me, so what do I do when he doesn't want me in his space.

I have cried too much in the last 12 hours. My heart hurts.

I can't do this.

For someone who is not a people person, I just want to find my people.

[angelicaldarkness]

My stepfather died. We knew he was going to. He was diagnosed with Cancer around this time last year, maybe January or February. He was given a life expectancy of 6mths, he got in another Christmas, but didn't quite make his birthday.

He was 76, which isn't really so old. But then I guess it depends on the person. He wasn't a frial old man. He was still out every weekend in the pub till late. He loved a good boogie. He did shots on birthdays.

He's in the UK and I'm in Australia. I can't get home. It's my own fault, I haven't been vaccinated so I'm not allowed to leave the country, and even if I got an exemption there's all sorts of requirements. I can afford to go home for a couple weeks, but not 3months. I'd have more chance of being granted an exemption if I leave for three months so I've been reading. I'm a citizen of both countries, but that doesn't matter. I'm not vaccinated.

I didn't think it would hurt so much, his passing. He entered my life when I was about 9 or 10, and in doing so reintroduced domestic violence. He wasnt always to blame, my mum was just as bad. I've stood up to him when I was older, he's never laid a finger on me. Infact we gained a bit of a mutual respect for each other. If he ever kicked off I was the only one that can step right up to his face and calm him down. We had some harsh words over the years, he cheated on my mum a couple of times. I said what I said one time, i let rip hard, and it was harsh. From that day forward though things changed, he stopped messing about and behaved.

I didn't think I'd hurt as much when he died. After all, it was a stormy relationship I had with him. Most of the time he was just my mums side story. My brothers Dad. Despite calling him my stepdad he never had any say over me.

It hurts. It really hurts. There's a lot I should have said to him that I didn't. I had a letter I kept putting off sending. And now it's too late. He was always good to me, especially in my twenties as a adult. I guess I always just acted like I didn't care that much, but deep down, I loved him a lot. I mean he was the male figure in my life, a consistent one at that.

I'm having a bit of crisis I guess. I feel homesick. I want to go back. I do but I don't. It's hard to explain. But also I'm thinking about my life, here, and who I have around. If anything happens to my husband, it's just me on my own. One of my biggest fears for as long as I can remember, is being lonely.

I have friends but it's hard to make friends in your late thirties when you don't have kids and you're pretty shy. I have friends, they're mostly mums or trying to be mums. And they're mumsy mums. I love kids I do, but I have nothing in common with them on a night out when they mostly catch up on each other's kids. I feel like the odd one out. They don't make me feel this way, I make myself this way.

Often I wonder if I did the right thing being childless. There's going to be nobody when I'm old. My life ends with me. If I die after my husband, will there even be anyone to plan my funeral? I'm struggling with this. I don't regret not having kids, but I also know I really well.

We can't afford kids. I'd be a single mum. I'd respect my husbands decision of not wanting kids, so we'd part ways. Which I'd never get over. I'd hurt myself for a kid that might not even like me when it grows up and still end up lonely and alone.

I've become a hermit. To Anxious to go anywhere alone, to exhausting to see friends. But I need to get out more. I need adventure and the sea.

I need to live a childfree life. I need to remind myself that love wasn't the only reason I emigrated, I emigrated for adventure and new experiences. I need to remind myself why I left my tiny little hometown, so maybe I'm not so homesick.

I have so many thoughts and feelings that are justified and conflicting.

I don't want my husband to change, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I wish he wanted to go out and do things, because he wanted to, not just because I wanted to. He reminds me sometimes of the people in my small hometown. Who like things that they know and are comfortable with and don't want to see that big wide world outside their doorstep.

I just needs friends, friends that adventure and try new things and encourage me to live my best life. I need single childless friends.

I just need to feel like I'm living my best life so when I am old and my family abroad have long forgot about, I can be comfortable being alone. I can just be the crazy old lady telling the random stories in the old folks home.

I wonder if he knew that whilst he thought of me as a daughter, deep down I really did think of him as a dad in some ways. I should have told him.

[angelicaldarkness]

Sometimes my soul aches,

For love

For connection

For adventure

For something....more

Sometimes my soul aches,

And I hate myself for it.

[angelicaldarkness]

Here

Here I am being good Here I am being sensible Here I am fitting in Here I am doing as I should Here I am sitting in the box Here I am following the crowd Here I am

Here I Am

But, Am I really here? 

[angelicaldarkness]

I shouldn’t leave it so long between visits...

Where are you? I need you words. 

You, and you, where are you too? 

[azraelwrites-deactivated2018121]

I fear so many things,– So few outside myself.

[azraelwrites-deactivated2018121]

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Our universe is immeasurable; the world we live in, huge; yet, upon reflection there is but me, and you.