A Bit About Elyana, Wesley, & Cynthia Jo's Mama @angelicawhitmer - Tumblr Blog

Keeping up with Jelly

There are some days that I am ridiculously busy and I don't have time to keep up. Most days I really have so much to blog just because my mind is everywhere all the time. I have so much but I don't know where I really wanna go with it except that I miss my mom and grandma like crazy. I wish sometimes that I could just call and talk to them. Even after so many years my heart hurts and misses them like crazy!! Anyways, I have visitors coming so I gotta go. I'll be back sooner than later I promise. Until next time... -xo-

S.H.A.M.E.L.E.S.S

So my last post was really about my frustrations and definitely my pain. Sometimes its little things that really break me and sometimes it takes something huge to even phase me. I guess it really depends on how I'm feeling about myself. I go through this bits of confidence and lots of low self esteem moments. Right now I'm definitely not in a high place. I hate that I have gained so much weight. Hence why I started smoking again. It really helps keep me outta the kitchen. Hungry? Smoke. Bored? Smoke. Keeps me from chowing down all day. Especially when you have littles at home who require more than 3 meals a day. ha! So anyways, my mind got to wondering once I was headed to pick our son up from the bus stop. Of course I love listening to music and that usually triggers memories. Mostly good ones. Shameless came on the radio and that song is so special to me. It was our first dance, our wedding song. I couldn't help but smile through some of the pain I'm feeling. If you've never truly listened to the words of that song, you definitely need to. I find it the perfect song for the two of us. We are very stubborn people in our own ways. Josh has been divorced twice and I dodged that bullet once. So its a fitting song for stubborn people who chose love above everything else. Before Josh. I was in a relationship that definitely had its ups and downs. I must have had a thing for men with kids. Cause my ex had a son, and a psycho baby mama. We had a good thing going for a while. We ended up pregnant and shortly after we miscarried. That's where we fell apart. It was really hard on me. I think it was the most painful emptiness I had ever felt. I grieved hard. And he kinda took it like it was nothing. We definitely fell apart after that. I remember crying endless nights. I begged God to give me a chance to be a mother and I begged for him to fix our relationship. I fell pregnant again shortly after that. And it lasted a little longer but again I miscarried. And we went our separate ways for good after that. I didn't think I would ever be given a chance to be a mommy. Looking back now, I thank God for unanswered prayers because I would not be where I am today. <3 Meeting Josh was the start of something fresh. I swore I wasn't gonna do another serious relationship. So Josh was supposed to be my "project" boyfriend. He had just gotten divorced and had an even crazier baby mama. So I figured, I'll show this guy not all women are out there to destroy men. We hit it off pretty good. He was the most handsome, intimidating man I had ever met. I seriously felt like he was outta my league. But what the heck why not have a good time. Then.... I fell for him so hard. Oh no, not again. I was terrified of him. Little things really bothered me. But I chose to find which out weighed which. And the good always out weighed the bad. So I put up with some things. I pissed him off in the start of our relationship and he was going to end things with me. But for whatever reason he had a change of heart. Then after 4 months, I found out I was pregnant. The excitement was so overwhelming. But the fear I had of losing another baby was the beginning of my permanent anxiety. By some miracle, we had a beautiful baby girl 5 days before our 1 year anniversary. Here we are on year 9! With an up and down relationship, like most relationships I suppose. We have had many adventures in these 9 years. I've even flown outta the country!! ;) I know my hubs makes me crazy, so freaking crazy. But I love this man more than life itself. Its been challenging fighting the urge sometimes to just throw in the towel. But I'm so thankful I've held on for the ride. My love for him is S.H.A.M.E.L.E.S.S. As long as I have him by my side I feel like I can conquer the world. Conquering my own mind may be a challenge of its own but you know. I do miss having options for counseling though. I learned so much about myself. Never anything to fix me, but I was able to understand why I'm so messed up. There would still be so much more for me to work on though. Anyways, time for dinner! So until next time!! -xo-

Thank you, next!

Alright so here's the deal. We're gonna speak hypothetically. If your husband or wife was on the road for work more than they're home, would insecurities be hidden in the back of your mind? What if one night after they returned home, you grabbed their phone and you found a picture of a girl or man, who is in wayyy better shape than you on their phone? Would you be upset? Would you say something? What do you do? Okay screw this hypothetically speaking bullshit, that's exactly what happened to me. Crazy shit is that I grabbed his phone while my 4 year old who had my phone last, let it die and then she misplaced it and fell asleep. I grabbed his to call mine but when I unlocked it, first app my finger hit was photos. One of the last photos was one of this girl sports bra, leggings, big ass booty, tiny waste sitting in my husbands photos. WTF!!! so I turned it off put it back in his drawer started looking for my phone which I found in the pantry shelf DEAD! ugh! then I laid down and I just could not fall asleep. I was pissed, hurt, pretty much broken. So I got up and started to see if I could find out who this hooker is on my husbands phone. When I couldn't figure it out I woke him up...gave me this story his work friend used to be with her but now another dude they work with is and so friend 1 sent it to my husband so my husband could send it to friend 2! Okay, no proof. Do you believe this story? I didn't and still don't because few days later while this shit festers I finally blow up and out comes this bitch again. New story this time. The girl supposedly walked up to same friend 1 when she saw their shirt logos and said she was seeing friend 2 and if they could give friend 2 her number....so instead of friend 1 sending it my husband looked up the number on WhatsApp...do you believe story two? Nah me either! So I guess this will sit in my mind and fester again, until I finally word vomit during another fight and she'll rise front and center! :( All I know is, if any of these stories were true, there would only be one consistent story that came out time and time again. Oh well. Guess that's what you get when you get fat after having kids and your husband lives on the road? I have a friend who has had her husband step out on their marriage numerous times, and I just don't know how you get over it? Even if it is just a bitch my husband talked to (never messed around with) or even if she's only what he says she is in one of his "stories" about how her picture ended up on his phone, I still feel like I'm nothing if he's out looking, talking, or screwing around with other beautiful girls! Anywho, was just driving me crazy. You know one of those things that come floating to your memory when you're doing something or nothing at all... I wish I could actually shut my mind off! I guess its see ya next time when my mind is making me crazy!! -xo-

#insecurities

Its been so long...

I know I haven't really posted in ages but I have had so much going on in this brain of mine that I really don't know what else to do besides write it off! ;) When I was doing counseling my therapist said I needed to write everything down. Nothing will ever be in any particular order. I kinda go with whatever is bothering me, and finding the deep within usually helps shine light on what makes me, well me I guess?! Most recently I have been really struggling with trust. I know my trust insecurities started when I was just a young girl. My mom used to be a little on the crazy side and she was always on some sort of adventure without me or my oldest sister, and eventually our younger sister got dumped off too. Its so hard for me to understand my mother on a mom point of view! I was basically raised by my grandma! As I am older I can be so thankful that mom actually had the decency to leave us with her because she was our stability. But as a daughter being left behind, it hurt so deep. It really screwed me up. I'm also the extremely sensitive type so it broke me. As an adult I still have abandonment issues. Hence the reason I just needed to finally get things off my chest! Abandonment: Its a feeling that never really goes away. When my mom died I felt like she didn't try hard enough to hang on and pull through. When my grandma died, she chose her death. She had no will in her to get better. She eventually left me too. My dad, well he was never really there since I was younger! He was always in and out of my life. Nothing consistent, even now as an adult I hear from him here and there. My husband and I have had difficulties in our marriage kind of from the start. There has always been white lies. So my trust in him has never been 100%. Along with trusting him I've always felt like he'll be the one other person who really lets me down and abandons me. With that, I'm terrified when he leaves me, he'll take our kids with him. If being let down and abandoned by him itself doesn't kill me, taking our kids away from me definitely would. Do you have any idea what it's like to battle your own mind? I've had almost a weeks worth of very interrupted sleep. I wake up crying, I've been crying myself to get to sleep and then the fears that I battle daily continue to haunt me in my dreams. My husband told me not long ago that I do it to myself. Maybe subconsciously I do, do it to myself. But how do you control it? He doesn't understand the depths of my anxiety. Being left behind as a kid and a teenager when my mom died, I knew that hurt and pain. Growing up, NEEDING your mom, because mom's make everything better, and not having it...wow that was rough. My wedding day, the person who was supposed to be there on my most special day, she wasn't. Having kids and their real grandma isn't there to share that special moments with me...still hurts. So yeah, my biggest deepest fear is leaving my children. I can't put my own kids through that. They deserve more than that. So more than anything, I'm afraid to not be there for my children. Of course my husband doesn't understand it from my point of view. He just thinks I'm ridiculous. That I stress myself out for nothing, but it is soo much more than that. I know it sounds like my husband is terrible or something. But he's not. He's a great father. He's given us a beautiful life. He's just insensitive and not very understanding. If you look at him from an overall point of view, he truly is amazing. And the most handsome man ever, but he is not someone that is easy to talk to. He doesn't empathize with me. He just doesn't get it, and deep down, I fear I wont always be what he wants, and he'll leave like everyone else I've ever needed and loved. I can feel it deep down. It definitely doesn't make me any more secure because I'm not the same skinny 20 year old he met over 8 years ago. and I am far from being a head turner. Ha! I guess I will just live with that fear and hope he proves me wrong, but I'll expect him to prove me right. So the life of Anjelica truly is one big hot mess. I guess I'll get off for now, but now that I have a new desktop, Thanks to my hubs, maybe I'll be around to blog more often and get some of this shit off my chest. Until next time! -xo-

Lets go back...back into time...

At 5 years old I lived with my grama, grampa, mom, and big sister. We lived at gramas house...the trailer with the ugly red carpet and the wood looking walls! Life was good...other then grampa being sick and always going to the hospitals...then I just remember living at uncle bbs and auntie donnas. we would walk up the drain thing to catch the bus in the morning...mom, grama, and grampa were gone...grampa go sick! something that happened a lot. Life didn’t seem that much out of place until the day auntie donna took us to gramas house because they were coming home...so excited to see all 3 of them! I could hardly wait for them to come thru the door. But when they got there, only mom and grama came in...with very sad faces! They had been sad for a while before this. I was only 5 so I didn’t really know why. But momma walked in and knelt down on the floor and gabs and I walked up to her and she told us that grampa wasn’t gonna be coming home anymore. I didn’t understand. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and her eyes were so red. I just knew this meant we were supposed to be sad, so I started to cry. And momma said grampa went to heaven. and he would be our angel watching us from heaven. Gabi started to cry so I really let it out. Still not sure why I was supposed to be sad, but I was.

Days following we had grampas wake. and I remember walking up the stairs that evening...and my favorite deacon Richard was standing up top greeting everyone as they came in the church. Everyone was so sad...he pulled gabi and I to him and sat us on his lap! He pointed up to the sky and said, you see that very bright star in the sky? We said yes! and he said that star is always the first star in the sky and that is your grampa looking down on you. He will be up there every night watching over you. I remember being so amazed! he hugged us tight and we went to the service.

After that all settled, things became very tense at home...grama and mom were always drinking and fighting with each other. Then one night they really got into it. My mom did what my mom was so good about doing, and packed up and said i’m getting the hell outta here! me and my girls don’t need this...and we loaded in her car and she drove. I was so tired because it was so late. I remember waking up a few times to check on mom. And we kept driving. Where? I wasn’t sure, I couldn’t recognize the road...then in the wee hours of the morning we were sitting outside this house, with a big porch and a cement wall in front....little did I know that was my nana’s house where my dad lived. I could hear mom crying and saying she couldn’t do this anymore...that she lost the people who meant everything to her! she wanted my dad to take gabi and I so she could go “be with her daddy.” I didn’t know then what her intentions were but I know now... It was right around Christmas time.... my nana had a little tree up and decorated with lights... we were taken into the house and my nana was sitting there at the kitchen table with me and gabi on her lap. I remember her pleading my mom to just stay the night and think about us girls. Luckily, she agreed and we stayed there... it ended up being for a while...this is the first time I remember meeting my nana and dad! I didn’t even know I had a real dad! Things settled down and we stayed in douglas. Eventually my dad and mom got a trailer in wigwam circle and just the 4 of us lived there. We started going to a new school and life was seeming to be normal again...we stayed in douglas for months...celebrated gabi’s birthday at nana’s house! things seemed good...

And then that day came...my mom and dad were fighting pretty bad! he made the mistake of raising his hand to her and hitting her. she was a fighter so she punched him in the face...and his tooth fell out! (haha, teach him right?) Well, not after too much longer... here we go again....packed up and we were outta there... back to gramas house we go...but mom just took us and dropped us off and she was gone! I remember being so upset! I didn’t understand why she wasn’t around! I still to this day don’t know where she went! months went by and she finally reconciled with grama and came home! awe life was normal again! a new normal! adjusting to grama and mom at home but no grampa! My grama was a bartender at the club right down the road from her house... and she met someone! what? eventually Sam got brought around and introduced to everyone! it took the family a while to adjust to grama with someone other then grampa but everyone got used to it because she was gonna do what she was gonna do, and ain’t no one gonna tell her otherwise! (that was the type of woman she was) not sure what all happened in the next 4 years...but life went on!

jojo’s crying....i’ll be back later!

#backintotime

Its been a long while...

Wow! Its been quite some time since I last blogged!! I was cooking and thinking how I miss blogging...kinda just letting everything out! I have so much to talk about since my last post...But before I get there I must FIRST finish cooking and feeding the family...and then I thought I would go back and start from the beginning of my life....maybe then you will understand who I am as a person and how much I’ve gotten through in my 25 years of life...well maybe 20...I think I can remember back to when I was about 5! HA!! Anywho, I’ll be back and Boy do you have so much to learn.... until I have time...

#illbeback missmewhileimgone