Sometimes we think we should pray for something big, for some urgent cases, maybe about illness, about current problems, about career or study, or about long term plan and unforeseen future.
Sometimes we forget, that the authority of Jesus is not only true to the superstition realm with miraculous extraordinary events, but also into the tiny little real details in every aspect of our life. And the way to tell Him what we want, be it a super fancy proposition or maybe just a simple wish, is very easy: through a prayer.
It is still mindblowing to me that He granted our prayer in a very comical event. Let me tell you a story.
In our recent trip to Lotte World in Seoul, i was prepared to only take care of my baby and wait for the adults to play. But then after the baby fell asleep, i was able to join the queue of 1 ride before we headed to other touristy destination. Due to the very crowded visitors, the 4 of us queued in the single riders lane.
I know i was brave and sort of an adrenaline junkie when it comes to theme parks attractions, but in that time i felt a little nervous. So we prayed. Just a quick, with eyes open, almost joking prayer that said “dear Jesus, if You may, please make Lerry & I ride in this attraction together.”
Not long after that, it was time for my cycle of ride; and as expected from single riders lane, the officer clicked the bar behind me and only allowed 1 person to get in. I was toughen up myself and waved goodbye to Lerry and my brother whilst walked to sit on the ride.
I was already seated and ready for the ride when a visitor went out before the cycle started. I was hoping Lerry could join this cycle but also still thought the least impossible chance “oh maybe they will start the ride anyway”. —but no, in Matthew 18:20 Jesus clearly said “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
So then Lerry suddenly showed up, ushered by the officer to join my cycle of ride 😂 the joy of riding the attraction just doubled as i realized that He just granted our trivial wish. He comforted me after an exhausting day as waiting-on-the-sideline-mom😅
Maybe the event itself is insignificant, the prayer is unsophisticated, but the message is loud and clear: It is God confirmly said “I am here, I am with you, I heard you”.
without realizing it, I think I let my wounds and scars from past relationships and moments growing up keeping me away from current and present people around me these days. and not just that, it also draws me far from the environment I never knew I needed to grow and nourish the faith, the way of thinking, the way of living which supposedly always and always keep looking on God. I let those wounds keep me away in a safe distance with Him.
I thought I was okay.
I thought I was doing just fine. I didn’t realize that “fine” was just on the surface. I never thought that those wounds, hidden deep down, molded me into a suspicious person, into believing that this girl isn’t good enough to be part of anything, that everyone else must’ve thought bad about her, who constantly scared that she wasn’t accepted anywhere.
or maybe I already have a vague realization about it, I just didn’t grasp the fact that it impacted me this big. I didn’t realize it drags me down many times, and the worst of all: it makes me think that having this distance with God is okay with me.
well surely God speaks to me through this song and the caption:
I might’ve been walking in a baby steps all these time, but I slowly began trying to actually grow, to release and actively dodge the thought of those insecurities. Started from acknowledging the problem through the counseling session with pastor, and sharing the thoughts and burden with people who are willing to discuss and having the right understanding of God’s will.
I need this.
I need to be surrounded by people who also keep looking on God, by a community that helps strengthening each other. Moreover, I, need to have a more intimate relationship with God, to try to understand His will on me, always and in every step I take. Please God, ajarku berdiam. ajarku mengenalMu. ajarku mengejar hadirMu, selalu.
love is such a curious thing ya.. you can love someone with all the flaws and disappointments and list of things that you don’t agree with, yet you still love them. you love them as a person, as a human being that colors your life, as who they are -despite all those small pebbles and hurdle you went through together.
sometimes I wonder, why am I so different than the others, why do I have to think and feel and see things differently, like...in many cases lebay? or in my defense, deep?
I think what might changed me the most is the pain of losing my father, which was extremely hurtful. I don’t think I was the same person after I lost him.
Well not only my father, but losing family members, people I care about, was something I have to dealt repeatedly throughout my childhood until now. I was shocked when I found out that one of my friends never attend a funeral before, when I already not only attended but also had to contribute in many funerals.
Well today, I somehow remembered the movie Inside Out, whose message is that joy comes after a moment of sadness. That people grow after a moment of sadness, of pain. This I remembered because, (I wish I don’t feel this way, but) I felt disturbed when someone whining about how he felt very uncomfortable in a gloomy situation, which I already been in that position (and worse) years and years before.
Not long after, just like God purposively answering me, today’s sermon is about listening to your pain. It is said that pain is a signal that we are alive, it is a signal to tell us that there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. Like how pain in our hands when we accidentally touched a hot pan tells us that we have to pull our hands off before things get worse.
It is also said that pain has purpose. If we understand its purpose, we can bear the pain. Like when we can bear a painful massage because we know it’ll make our body feels better. Thus, the Bible taught us to ask God to strengthen us through the pain, through the sadness, rather than to eliminate the pain itself.
There is a phrase that really caught my attention by the end of the sermon: your mess become your message. your test become your testimony.
I was blown away because that is so true. I somehow always found a new perspective on how to do life by looking back to the storm I just passed. Without knowing, turns out I have grown through the pain. I always try to console people, or help people who asked my opinion, or seeing things through my personal lenses of how I dealt with my pain, which I said before, might not be felt by other persons yet. And maybe that’s why I’m different.
I hope I can be like the oysters which produce pearls through the dirt and pain they had to endure during their lives.
May all the glory to God, be God’s only. Always, always finds His way to blow my mind. Thank you, God.
Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years from now? What about 5 years? 3? 2? Next year? Where is my position in there? Do i even have a place?
Honestly i wasn't expecting anyting at first, just purely wanted to share my thoughts. And now i don't know what to expect either. I'm afraid to be hurt again. Even thinking about the possibility of being hurt again, hurts.
being a feeling person from the INFJ personality, i really treasure songs that can represent important moments or persons. i do love songs, and i love my people, and enjoy my moments. I usually feel all that separately.
but when all of that joined together, which is a rare occasion for me, and can make me say “this song is for you” to you, please know that it might have been THE GREATEST compliment i could ever give because that means i TRULY VALUE our relationship and moments spent together.
here are the list of some dedicated songs throughout my 26 years of life: You Make My World So Colorful by Daniel Sahuleka, for my silliest people; When You Love Someone by Endah n Rhesa, for my first love; Long Live by Taylor Swift, for the best team ever; Jatuh Hati by Raisa, for someone i really adore and look up to; Have It All by Jason Mraz, for my circle 1.
and then, i have this one song that i hold dearly since 15 years ago, and always been my own song for myself because i didn’t have the vibes like particular person deserves this song to, yet. but very recently i really feel like this song is meant for this man, who always be the 1st person i searched for in important moments in my life. and the song goes like this:
dan bila akhirnya mimpi ini menjadi nyata
dunia berikan senyumnya, tenangkan langkahku melewati segalanya
yang aku inginkan saat bahagia itu datang
kau ada bersama nikmati gemuruhnya rasa ini
sempurnalah sudah mimpiku
- Sempurnalah Mimpiku by Mike Mohede
from the bottom of my heart, i dedicated this song to you. you should take it as a compliment, haha.
it’s funny and also frustating a relationship calls siblings is. In one time we can share things and life stories and be bestfriends while in other time we can fight so bad that hurts so much.
Like this time, i, as someone who rarely swears and being plegma almost all the time --which means i like peaceful relationships --and always trying calm down and not being an emotional bitch, just wanna SCREAM all profanities i can think of at the top of my lungs bcs of that most egoistic, self centered, pain in the ass person i know that usually i called brother. si anjing emang tai. there i said it.
first of all, i really really treasure dee’s poem called “spasi”. please go google it.
second of all, i’m not the type who can fall in love easily. and i’m pretty aware of what i want and what i’m capable to do by my own. to put it in another words: i’m independent and i don’t really need men, or other human being, to fulfill my needs -yet.
you know what i mean? it’s like i can go places that i want by myself, i don’t mind eating alone or even watching movies alone, i have my girl friends to hang out with, i have a pretty decent job and environment, i have my family. i’m pretty much content as per now.
well what i don’t really sure of is, my feelings. spend a lot of time in home makes me have the time to think, or to feel, or to search what’s in there. i came to a realization (or to finally admit) that deep down, i chose him. i always did, i guess.
i remember when we broke up the first time in college, there was actually someone who asked me to be his girlfriend. someone kind, someone i really looked up to. but i rejected him. then couple weeks (or months?) later i found myself gave you a birthday surprise, but then after that i cried in front of my girls, because i felt so stupid giving you those while we were not even in a relationship. haha
i remember those moments because the funny thing is, even after now, after we ended up our relationship years ago, when there are people come and go, and finally there is this someone kind who is brave enough to say that he wants us to be a husband and wife, who surprised me by gave me chocolates on valentine’s day... i found myself drove to somewhere i’ve never been before, through a pretty hell traffic jam, to trans studio cibubur to be precise (mana pake acara nyasar dulu lagi wk), the day after valentine’s day.
only to met him for less than 2 hours, and then waited for him for the next 2 hours before i finally gave up and went home. i was so confused by myself. bahkan perjalanan PP nya aja lebih lama woy dibanding ketemunyaaa. mau lo apa sih liv gila ya?? hahaha
we are so good by our own. we grow separately and doing just fine without each other. i still think that our broke up 2 year-ish ago was the best decision at the time, that we needed that space, like in dee’s poem.
but i figured that there are times when i had my milestones reached, i wanted to tell him, i wanted to share the good news, that i finally did something great today. it took me lots of my guts to tell him that i was accepted as cpns last year. i was (still am) SO afraid that he doesn’t care. that he doesn’t impressed by me the way i always impressed by what he achieved, that he doesn’t need me the way i need him, that he doesn’t feel what i feel about us anymore.
whilst i also figured that, how can he possibly knows all these things if i don’t tell him? because honestly i never told him those stories, i didn’t let him know that there were (are) others but i. chose. him.
i didn’t tell him that after all these years, the first person i was searching for, in those good and bad times, was (is painfully still) him.
this post is dedicated to all of my friends who are suffering a great loss: their loved ones (a parent, especially) passed away.
pertama-tama yang aku mau bilang: i feel you, dear, i feel you. *hugsss*
Mau seberapapun umur kita, seberapapun kesiapan kita, apakah beliau sakit dulu atau pergi tiba-tiba, apakah ada tanda-tanda atau nggak, apakah hubungan kita warm atau cool dengan beliau, dan segala variabel lainnya.....the pain is there.
aku percaya semua orang punya caranya masing-masing untuk menaklukan rasa sakit dan kehilangannya. I won’t lie and say it’s easy, but all i can say is: you can do it. you’ll survive, you’ll pass through this. ini bagian dari tahap pendewasaanmu. and the phrase “time heals” is true.
as i mentioned earlier, everyone has their own mechanism to cope with the pain, but i want to share to you, if you don’t mind, about how i dealt with mine.
my dad passed away in 2011, bener-bener ga lama setelah aku masuk kuliah, jadi setiap weekend aku dan kakak pasti pulang dari bandung naik travel langsung ke rumah sakit dan nginep disana (pun minggu-minggu setelahnya karena kita mau nemenin mama di rumah. bye sosialisasi bersama anak TPB lainnya wk). papaku dulu masuk ICU 1 bulan, selang udah dimana-mana, termasuk yg di leher itu jadi udah ga bisa ngomong juga. it was a real painful sight that you won’t forget. forever.
jadi siapapun yang bilang kalo mending sakit dulu daripada tiba-tiba, you wrong. dan juga siapapun yang bilang mending tiba-tiba jadi ga sakit, you also wrong. both are really painful...
setelah hecticnya proses ibadah, pemakaman, dan lain-lain, waktu itu yang kurasa selain rasa sakit di dada yang ngilu kayak dikorek benda tumpul, ada juga rasa kosong dan hampa di hati. bolong. kayak masih bingung, “trus apa?”, dan ga percaya bisa melewati hari-hari seterusnya dengan baik-baik aja. tapi, in my case (and i believe in your case will too), Tuhan bekerja luar biasa.
di tahun 2019 ini, 8 tahun setelahnya, when i can sit back, relax, contemplate and looking back to what happened in my life after all these years, i assume i am allowed to say: time does heals. well, not exactly the time did that, but as we grow older and maturer, dan bisa menerima jalan cerita hidup kita yang sudah digariskan oleh Tuhan, maka kita bisa berdamai dengan rasa sakit dan kosong itu. kayak, a bit of a pain and that emptiness are still there, but we shake hands and finally used to live side by side with their appearance being our new normal.
ada 2 turning point yang aku mau share, which i hope can give you hope too.
1. tahun 2015, waktu lagi sibuk-sibuknya ngurus tugas akhir dan segala drama nya, ga sempet lagi aku untuk grieving di hari-hari menjelang peringatan meninggalnya papa. yang ada di pikiranku cuma aduh mesti bimbingan di tempat les anaknya dosbing, aduh mesti wawancara tambahan ke desa nya, aduh tanggal sidang akhir mesti mundur juga, mesti bikin jurnal, mesti revisi dll dsb. sampai akhirnya aku dapet tanggal sidang akhir, dan lulus dengan nilai memuaskan, di tanggal berapa coba? 25 September 2015. tepat 4 tahun setelah papaku meninggal di tanggal 25 September 2011.
it was a really unexpected way of God to tell me (kalo kalian tau lagu rohani sekolah minggu) “hari ini harinya Tuhan, mari kita bersuka ria”. karena di 3 tahun terakhir setiap tanggal 25 september aku selalu membolehkan diri untuk sedih dan bodo amat sama dunia dan yang terjadi di sekitar di hari itu. tapi ya semua hari tuh harinya Tuhan, coy.
2. tahun 2018-2019, lupa kapan persisnya, pas lagi pergumulan soal per-CPNS-an dan perjombloan (ehehe), dalam suatu ibadah tiba-tiba kak Yerry, kakak sepupu yg juga seorang pendeta, berkhotbah gini:
saya pernah dalam suatu ibadah ketinggalan hp di suatu gereja. tapi besoknya saya udah harus pergi ke luar kota selama 3 bulan, jadi hp itu saya titip ke orang gereja yg nemu dan bilang “itu pulsa, gopay dan ovo nya masih banyak, pake aja”. trus orang itu bilang “terima kasih”. wajar dong.. setelah 3 bulan, saya kembali dan mengambil hp saya yang sudah dipakai sama orang itu dan orang itu bilang lagi “terima kasih”. sangat wajar juga kan?
tapi itu bikin kak yerry terhentak. dia teringat papanya yang dipanggil sama Tuhan. kenapa respon kak yerry setelah Tuhan ambil papanya yang sudah “digunakan” untuk mewarnai dunia, untuk merawat kak yerry, untuk jadi ayah yang baik, bukan “terima kasih”? kan papanya kak yerry itu punyanya Tuhan?
cerita ini yang, honestly, juga bikin aku tersentak. yang bikin aku berdamai dengan kondisi yang ada. dan yang menguatkan aku kalo walaupun papa ga ada physically disini tapi teladannya dan kasihnya ada. bahkan lebih dari itu, I have Jesus, my Father, my Provider, yang selalu ada dan sudah membuktikan bahwa hanya berdua dengan Tuhan saja itu cukup. adanya orang lain sebagai support system ku itu lebih dari cukup, and i am very grateful for them.
jadi kesimpulannya...jalani saja, pasti berat, tapi please know i’m here if you need me. i hope i could hug you and hold your hands, because i don’t know any other way to console you. but i know you can do it. take your time. your parents will be proud of you.
God surely has unexpected (and sometimes funny) ways to guide you and to answer your prayer.
Here's the story of how God leads me to where i am now, which also the reason why i decided to be here. By here i mean : https://angelissalivia.tumblr.com/post/184273520552/belajar-taat-2
He answers directly to your prayer.
I had an uncertain job for +-9 months in 2016. During that time, i took a part time job which enabled me to get away from the city for 1 week, by myself. One night, i prayed and i asked God to lead me to the career path He chose for me, and that i wanted to learn to be an obedient child for Him.
I was still praying when a notification sound rang from my phone. Guess what? It was a job offer from my friend who worked in Bappenas.
Funny, God, really i was really amused back then. It was the first turning point of why i finally have the willingness to work in government agency.
He wants you to try it all, and then leads you to the right one
Sure God answered directly through the job offer my friend suddenly sent me, but i didn't really get the job right away. Like i said, it was a turning point when i finally opened my door of willingness to apply to government agencies. I applied to Bappenas and Bappeda Jakarta, and decided to also apply to a consultant in Bandung. Right after i knew that i was rejected in Bappenas, i decided to go to Bandung for an interview with the consultant's manager. When i was on my way to Bandung, in a travel car on that Cipularang toll road, Bappeda Jakarta notified me that i got the job there.
Funny number 2
Ps. This leads to https://angelissalivia.tumblr.com/post/158999869372/belajar-taat
He teaches you through many failures and opportunities
He allows you to get through many failures and strengthening you while you are in there, while also giving you opportunities in His chosen way.
In my case, even though God already showed me that He wanted me to work in government agency, i was still pretty reluctant and wanted to live the life i planned on my own. In my timeline, i have to start my master degree in 2017 or 2018, thus i prepared to do so by taking IELTS class & test, doing lots of research of studying abroad, searching the uni, applying scholarship, and so on. Thankfully i passed the IELTS test with a pretty good mark and obtained a letter of acceptance from a university. Unfortunately...i didn't get the scholarship. i applied 3 times, failed 3 times.
I know maybe applied to *only* 3 scholarships was nothing compared to my friends who finally got their scholarship, but the rejection of something that you worked on wholeheartedly was...still painful. Hehe.
He keeps strengthening me tho in those hardships i went through.
On the other hand, my job in Bappeda Jakarta was getting more and more interesting. I got the chance to involved in one particular hot issue in Jakarta which allowed me to meet many influential people and learn from them. I also had better boss, colleagues and work environment compared to my other friends out there (not to mention the salary, hehe). and on top of that, i know the eselon 1 leader of Pemprov DKI, personally. Not many people have that opportunity you know, i tell you that.
He grants your wishes, only in better ways, and in His unerring time.
If you really know me in college, you must've known i wanted to work in regional & village planning-kind of industry, not in this urban planning field that i work in now. Well actually, i have 2 ulterior motives which i thought i won't achieved if i worked in governmental agency and could only be achieved if i worked in regional planning field: i want to help many people & i want to be an expert whom everyone will search for when talking about that field.
I am pretty confident about those value, but i was wrong about the path to achieve that.
He grants my dreams precisely on the helping people and being searched by people due to my expertise- part, but in slightly different path than i planned to. It took me a while, but i finally begin to understand that He is answering both of my wishes in my current job.
He wants you to actively surrender to Him, because He is the one who will make the way
This is maybe the final reason of why i finally truly comprehend & believe that God wants me (and makes me) here.
You need to know that it took a whole package of struggle to finally be here, as a CPNS, for me. I wasn't accepted at first, you know, the seats were only 7 and i was ranked 8. Ha!
The funny thing is, my heart was starting to crumble when my boss, pak Rully, found (from iseng googling the names) that one of those 7 people ranked above me was actually unqualified -- he has a different major degree than what was required. Funny number 3
Logically, it was impossible for me to be a CPNS at that time, but God made this teeny-weeny gap/ opportunity that i can strive on. Hence, I tried to "actively surrender" to God by doing everything i could do (making sure about the mistake, going back&forth to BKD&BKN, sending letter to Sekda & so on) with no expectations, only with trust that "God will make a way when it seems to be no way". I totally surrender the rest of the things which out of my hands to God (the process in BKD, BKN, Kemenpan and what the leaders decide). i believe that if He wants me here, He will make a way.
And after 2 months of uncertainty, i was accepted as CPNS Bappeda Provinsi DKI Jakarta. Boom!
Prise the Lord.
I was totally blown away by His Grace.
Puji Tuhan.
Masih lanjutan dari post Belajar taat dan Belajar taat (2), kali ini aku mau cerita tentang part pengumumannya.
Setelah menunggu kurang lebih 3 bulan sejak lapor ke BKD kalau ada kesalahan (next post will definitely talk about this obstacle), di suatu jumat yang pas banget lagi mau kumpul sama teman-teman SMA di Kokas, tiba-tiba Mbak Inke WA di grup dan bilang “selamat ya Livia jadi CPNS”. deg. shock. tapi langsung coba cek ke web BKD dan belum ada pengumumannya, trus dengan sok cool nya cuma bales di grup “wkwkwk mbak Inke tau dari mana infonya?”. dan ternyata dari draft suratnya yang baru nyampe di TU Sekda pas kebetulan mbak Inke juga lagi cek surat lain kesana.
Tanya jawab soal berita itu pas banget dari turun ojek - masuk mall - sampai nyari teman yang udah datang sebelumnya. Jadi orang pertama yang kukasitau secara langsung (mama sama kakak lewat screenshot chat doang), ya dia itu: Tio Minar. Pake acara peluk-pelukan di toilet dan ku nangis segala hahaha overwhelmed.
The fun part was not only that.
I will tell you a little background story of my brother. Jadi kita satu almamater, tapi dia jurusan Teknik Penerbangan. Menurutku dia pinter, tapi males, jadi pas lulus IP nya kurang bagus lah gitu. Waktu itu, aku inget banget dia sempet lama nganggur karena susah dapet kerja, ada lah 6 bulan gitu belum kerja dan di rumah aja sampe aku gemes dan tiap ada lowongan kerja aku forward ke dia. Salah satunya dari Garuda kalau ga salah, dan saat itu dia bilang IP nya ga cukup kalau untuk daftar Garuda.
Long story short, akhirnya dia masuk Sriwijaya Air, dan saat itu dia bilang kalau di Sriwijaya yang perusahaannya kecil, dia bisa belajar semua part dalam sistem airlines, tapi kalau di Garuda yang perusahannya besar, pasti freshgrad kayak dia cuma bisa di 1 tempat aja. Betul juga. Kemudian kerja lah dia di Sriwijaya selama 3 tahun, dari pegawai kontrak udah jadi pegawai tetap sekarang.
Tapi, this one miracle happened, akhir tahun lalu Sriwijaya Air diakuisisi sama Garuda. Trus pegawai-pegawai Sriwijaya di training selama 3-4 bulan, trus di tes, dan hasilnya diumumkan pas di hari senin setelah jumatnya ku dapet berita cpns: Kakak masuk jadi pegawai tetap GMF (Garuda Maintenance Facility).
God surely has funny ways to direct us. who knows Sriwijaya bakal diakuisisi sama Garuda saat kakak pertama kali akhirnya masuk Sriwijaya? yang akhirnya kakak bisa belajar banyak, sampai proses pengambilan pesawat Sriwijaya di Singapore selama beberapa minggu waktu itu dst. who knows pada akhirnya kakak beneran jadi pegawai Garuda? Only God knows, really.
Dan who knows, pengumuman kelulusan kita itu cuma selang sehari kerja: Jumat aku dapet berita ga resmi - senin kakak keluar SK - Selasa aku dapet pengumuman resmi dari BKD.
If I had a pensieve, or if I could bottled up some of my memories like in those Harry Potter movies, i would definitely documented some specific fragments that shaped my life today. i would bottled and stored those memories like in the Inside Out movie and revisited them in my personal pensieve when the hard time came and the only motivation i got was “don’t give up, remember why you started”.
well, instead of imaginary pensieve, bottles of memories and balls of feelings, i will write down some of those important fragments here, in this blog. here we are..
One of the biggest milestones in the 25 years of my life was announced a week ago: i was accepted as Calon Pegawai Negeri Sipil (CPNS) Provinsi DKI Jakarta.
there is this amusing long story behind it, and maybe as a starter you should read my first story here:
after 2 years of working at Bappeda Jakarta with all those questions to God, there was a mass recruitment as civil servants in government agencies in Indonesia, Jakarta included. During those 2 years (2 years and a half now) i was slowly changing my perspective, from a skeptical fresh graduate to a realistic citizen and employee. I registered myself to be a civil servant in Bappeda Provinsi DKI Jakarta. There was an obstacle along the way, but long story short, after 6 months i was accepted as CPNS DKI Jakarta.
I will surely write about that obstacle in another post in this blog. And for now, i will only summarize the important fragments that shaped me and being the reason i changed my perspective over the years.
1. My boss and colleagues in the office.
I am very lucky to have a boss like Pak Feirully Irzal. He, and also Pak Afan Adriansyah and Bu Tuty Kusumawati (as well as the people around my cubicle), completely changed my initial perspective about the corrupt and lazy PNSes. They are working so hard with so heavy responsibilities, and no sign of corrupt and lazy here. On top of that, Pak Rully was the real MVP in helping me getting through those exhausting time when i had to go back and forth to BKD - BKN - Sekda - BKD - and so on. I am forever grateful.
2. The expectation and trust from the closest ones.
My mother always wants me to be a PNS, and my brother always says “dosen gw bilang, di pemerintahan itu kalo bukan kita mau siapa? mahasiswa2 dari timbuktu sana?”. I was very reluctant at first, especially when i just graduated from college. Around that time, my ex told me “kalo kamu mau benerin sistem, harus dari dalem. aku setuju sama mama kamu, kamu jadi PNS aja”. And even after i started working as Tenaga Ahli in Bappeda, he reassured me by saying “aku gapapa ga kerja sesuai bidang aku, aku fokus kerja cari uang. trus pasangan aku yang jadi pakar di bidangnya. kayak bu Sri Mulyani, alpha woman yang dicari orang di bidangnya”. Even after we live in our separate ways now, i still remember those empowering words from him. I thank him for that. (thank you next? LOL #yousingyoulose)
3. What God told me through my pastor-cousin
This is probably the one reason that strengthen me the most. The one that held my head up, kept me going and not giving up or losing hope. One day, out of the blue, my aunt’s friend, Tante Desy, who is already like my own aunt, invited us to come to her church because there was a guest pastor: Yerry Pattinasary, my cousin. He was preaching about youth and mature-kind of love, but at some point i felt like he spoke directly to me and my mother who was also there with me -- or should I say God spoke directly to us through him. He said “berdua sama Tuhan itu cukup. saat kita merasa kita sendirian, sebenarnya kita ini lagi diangkat sama Tuhan, Tuhan lagi ngulurin tangannya dan Tuhan bilang “ayo nak, tinggal kita berdua”, Tuhan mau buat keajaiban di hidup kita, Dia mau bikin hal-hal luar biasa terjadi di hidup kita”.
Well that was like a fresh breeze because that was exactly how i felt at the time! I was feeling lonely and starting to doubt myself about the choices i made in life. He even told a story of him losing his father, my uncle, and the lesson he learnt from God when he lost his phone that made him accepting the loss and grieve of losing a father. I was almost screaming to my mom “mom did you hear that? we should too! Look how far God took us since papa passed away: He made me a cumlaude graduate right on the day papa passed, He made you the project manager in those huge projects in your office, He enables you to build those high rise buildings! and so on and so on" (not to mention the blessings He gave me after i broke up haha).
That, is what calms me. I believe that if God wants me to be a PNS, although there are thousands of obstacles in the way, God will make a way. All i have to do is trust him and do basically whatever i can do: waiting for the announcements, following the red-tape procedures, and letting God do the rest that is out of my hands. Turns out it works!
...
Finally, I believe there is no coincidence in this story, I believe God is shaping me through the people i mentioned above. I really cannot thank them enough for all the cross-paths and the lessons they taught me. I am feeling grateful and blessed.
hari ini tanggal 18 April 2019, 1 hari sebelum Jumat Agung, dalam perjalanan di atas gojek menuju pulang dari kantor, aku merasa tersentak.
aku teringat pernah berjanji dengan diri sendiri untuk membaca daily bread di aplikasi my bible di handphone, specifically tentang tema paskah dan pengorbanan Yesus. Tema bacaan itu sudah dibuat sedemikian rupa oleh app dan siapapun yang membuatnya untuk dibaca selama 1 minggu sebelum paskah, sehingga saat paskah datang, kita sudah siap menyambut dan mendalami pengorbanan Yesus di atas kayu salib.
tapi, not surprisingly, aku lalai.
aku baru ingat untuk membacanya di hari ini, 1 hari sebelum Jumat Agung, dalam perjalanan di atas gojek menuju pulang dari kantor.
kenapa ku bilang aku ga surprised kalau aku lalai? karena ini bukan pertama kalinya aku lalai sama janjiku terhadap diriku sendiri yang kubuat dalam hati dan tidak bilang-bilang sama siapapun. aku janji untuk baca alkitab dari awal sampai habis selama setahun, yang itu sangat naik turun frekuensinya. ada yang benar-benar baca setiap hari, ada kalanya baca seminggu sekali yang biasanya selalu aku sesali dan dalam hati berjanji untuk rajin lagi. tapi ya nyatanya aku lalai berkali-kali.
intinya aku merasa gagal dan kesal pada diriku sendiri: PADAHAL AKU HABIS DIBERIKAN BERKAT MELIMPAH BEBERAPA HARI LALU (i will tell more about this later). Oh my dear self Livia! Gimana sih lo?!?
but then I realized and remembered this song called “Who Am I?”. here goes the lyric:
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?
Who am I, that the Eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the Voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
...
I mean...
I am nothing! aku yang sudah selalai ini, but He, is still care for me... who am i? i was just a flower who will quickly fading, just a vapor in the wind, just a wave that will toss in the ocean today and will be gone tomorrow!
nothing. there’s nothing i can do to express my gratitude to Jesus, nothing could ever compare to Jesus’ beautiful love and plan for me. nothing.
I am Jesus’. I am forever grateful. I am so blessed.
I finally truly comprehend why support system called...support system.
Drama banget hidupku, tapi lewat drama ini aku bersyukur bisa menyebut orang-orang ini my support system. i will definitely remember these days and keep it close to my heart.
i don’t have any other thing to say except thank you. even thank you is not enough to express my gratitude.
Let’s stand strong and tough like a mountain, be bright (or gloomy if you have to, it’s okay) like the sky, and let’s bloom like flowers --you’re pretty and worthy more than you know, don’t forget to love yourself more! Cheers!
blowing minds @angelissalivia - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
