Angst Anger Abuse

[angstangerabuse-blog]

Dr. Isaac Herschkopf, My Psychiatrist for 25 Years

I was inspired to write my memoir when I heard a podcast  The Shrink Next Door  by Wondery, with Joe Nocera, a reporter now with Bloomberg, and formerly of the New York Times.

The podcast tells a story about my psychiatrist, Dr. Isaac Herschkopf. The man I saw for 25 years of my adult life in New York City. The man I pinned all my security on. The man I turned to for advice, support and help to live a life that would hopefully one day become joyful and secure. Well, that never happened. It turns out, in my opinion, he was a fraud in much of what he lead me to believe about him. Yes, he has a medical degree and a license to practice psychiatry in New York. But that is about all I can say is truthful about this Doctor. 

This podcast was all I needed to tell my story of angst, anger and abuse in my childhood, work and 5 marriages. I was an innocent child used by the world of psychotherapy and psychiatry. I was exploited by my employers, doctors and husbands.

The #MeToo movement inspired me to begin thinking and writing more about what types of abuse I was on the receiving end of during my life. I wrote way more than I ever expected to. Thoughts and memories poured out on the page. I never thought of myself as a writer but it was like the flood gates just opened up and it was all there for me to ponder. I wrote, read and re-read all the buried stories and emotions that were just under the surface of my so called life.

I often thought my life was a little extraordinary, Things seemed to happen to me that brought others to just stare at me with pity, sorrow and relief that it was not their life. I thought this is the way it was supposed to be. But I did wonder why others seemed to have it easier-less stress, more happiness. Why did others not have to confront all the angst, anger and abuse that I felt? Was there something wrong with me? Why can’t I just have the usual, mundane, ordinary problems others seem to have? And the joyful, carefree life I envisioned for myself.

I spent way too much time fixating on thinking my way through my life and not honoring my emotions. My feelings were inconvenient. They interfered with the life I thought I should be living to meet the expectations of others, particularly my husbands needs and in some twisted way my psychiatrists needs and desires for me. He was making decisions for my life. He knew best. 

Then there were the workplace expectations of me from my all male superiors. A never ending desire on my part to achieve, support and please them all. 

Perhaps Dr. H will see his care of me in another light. But he can not ever dispute that my feelings were not unearthed and therefore never honored. I was trying to please him. He knew it and played it rather than digging into my psyche. Perhaps it was easier for him to run a session and my life the way he saw fit rather than take the time to know me, and let me find my way with support for my desires. 

This is a conversation we need to have now. Particularly women need to talk about emotional and psychological abuses. 

My continued anxiety and conflicts in close relationships never made sense to me until I understood my psychiatrist was not helping me. The treatment I was receiving did not address the issues I went to the doctor for in the first place. He was in control. He decided. Not me.

I was seduced and then controlled by fear.  I was exploited although not overtly sexually. He convinced me he was the person who could help me. The boundary between us was permeable. I was exposed to way too much personal information about my psychiatrist and his family. To what end purpose did he see it useful to share so much of himself with me? And why would he ever move into a patients weekend home and then throw lavish parties, let alone insert himself into the man’s business and will? The story of Marty Markowitz is just mind boggling.

Perhaps the relationship with Dr. H was about what I perceived as my failures. My failed marriages. My difficulties in the workplace regarding salary and supervision. Dr. H kept me unbalanced.  

I have written a memoir Angst, Anger, Abuse to be published soon.