I think I have entered the last chapter of my life.
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@anislandintime
I think I have entered the last chapter of my life.
Looks like everyone's life is moving ahead, except mine.
In tears. Feeling so weak that I am unable to raise my hands in prayer.
Yesterday when I pulled out a sheet of paper to make a plan for SAK, she reminded me of another situation from some years ago where I had sat with her and a sheet of paper... That evening I had drawn pictures, joined dots, and made maps to ensure she sees the crisis for what it is. She saved herself from that crisis. Now it appears like she has found a meaningful anchoring. How ironic, I am still in a similar state of being! Everything around me changes, and sometimes I play a significant role in those changes, and nothing changes for me.
I feel some kind of emotional distance from everything. I feel like a drop of water on a lotus leaf.
Feeling a bit calm and relaxed this morning. What happened while I was asleep? Is this renewed faith that things will eventually fall in place? Or, is it a willing submission to fate?
Though I do feel restless and uneasy in intervals, I feel waiting is all that I can do while holding on to some hope. But how long? I dont know. This question and the uncertainty makes me restless and uneasy. Do I feel restless and uneasy in intervals or do I hope in intervals?- Unsure. Lord! Why am I being put through such tests of fire?
I am being pulled in opposite directions by hope and doubt, by possibility of something new and the fear of history repeating. I am being torn apart.
I feared I would mess it up. I feared I would react like I have mostly done earlier. In fact, somewhere deep within, I wanted to mess it up and end this hope, this wait, this uncertainty. But, once again, I have not played out a familiar script. Once on 1st of April and now today again. I have surprised myself. It is irritating me and also calming me. The latter because I see that not everything is over and there could be a miracle waiting, and this hope might bear fruit sometime in future. The earlier because there is no guarantee of anything and there is this fear of hope turning suicidal once again. Plus this waiting without a specific deadline. I am also reminded of the tarrot card reader who said I have to be patient, very patient. Just before I left to meet her, AG reminded me, not purposefully but by a video she shared, that all good things make us wait. It settled some restlesness within me, just before I left home. Coincidentally, last night when I delivered a film that AG had asked for, she exclaimed, "You are a miracle" and in response, caught in my own preoccupations, said, "I hope some miracle happens in my life too," to which AG sent the emoji of fingers crossed. Will some miracle happen if I wait. I know if this happens, it will be a very good thing. But will it happen? If it happens, how long am I expected to wait? I dont know. It makes me anxious and also excited. For now all I can do is keep my fingers crossed. As I type this I realize how I am more leaning towards hope than being irritated by how, unknowingly, unpreparedly, I did not play out an old script. Deep down, I want things to work out. Deep down, I want things to fall in place. Lord, please dont let me down. Please be by me. Please bless me, Lord.
"There never was much hope. Just a fool's hope."
~ Gandalf / The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Why does life test me this way non-stop? I am not able to hold myself together anymore easily. Earlier, there used to be some rage within me and that would provide the strength to face the crisis. Now, there is no rage. I am breaking down. This uncertainty had not shaken me till few days ago. I was holding on to a faith that things will fall into place soon. Now, my faith is shaking. I broke down while praying yesterday. Thrice. Why is my Life so harsh to me? Again and again! All I have prayed for and sought all my life is a sense of belonging in this world. Is that too much to ask? I cried before God saying if the intent is to make me learn some lessons, then, why am I being taught through lovelessness and not through love? I don't know what sin have I committed for which I am being punished in this life-time with such unbearable loneliness, aloneness, existential vacuum, emptiness and unbelonging. A voice within that had turned silent for some months is now rising again and trying to convince me, again, that dying is the only option I have left. There is nothing to look forward to in this life for me. If this is true, why is Life giving me hopes in small pockets? Why strangulate me to the point of death and then give a brief moment to catch breath and then strangulate me again? Why not kill me at once? Or, or, or, give me a space, at least after all these years of loneliness and unbelonging, where I can breathe love, breathe care and breathe life. Life, please be kind to me.
It feels like everything around me is vanishing, and I am being left alone. Yet again. My skin feels so thin that even a slight breeze touching me makes me feel bruised. Did life and God show me hopes just to intensify the wounds? I don't understand. Why should anyone be so cruel to anyone?
Yes, it hurt, and I felt like I had gone back to those dark spaces again. But something has rescued me yet again in this story of life. Though life hasn't reached where my heart desires to, surprisingly, it hasn't collapsed the way the fear within imagines. With these, I am slowly overcoming my fears, and also coming to believe that perhaps there is a positive outcome to this story of life, even though there is no solid evidence to support the hope. I hope this hope doesn't die, and I hope this hope doesn't get proven wrong.
Yesterday, after a long night of disturbed sleep and nightmares where chaotic images flashed on the screen of my mind, at dawn, I had one last nightmare before I woke up. In that nightmare I was in an exam hall facing an exam for a subject that I love. But strangely, in the nightmare, when I look at the question paper, I begin to forget all that I know. I panick. Obviously. My head spins, my stomach churns, and my hand begins to shiver. Unable to hold myself, unable to face the moment, my body gives up and there is a long period of blackout. When I wake up, lot of time has passed and the invigilator is warning of limited time left to complete the paper. I panick more. I look at the question paper again, there are deliberately made errors in the print of the question paper, merging two or more words, giving gap between a word and breaking the flow etc. I slowly begin to solve that puzzle and read the question. I succeed to some extent and I begin to write the answers. I write and write and write. But as I fill sheets of paper, I see that not just the answer sheet is growing in size, even question paper is! The questions are increasing in the question paper and it is growing longer. It enrages me, I feel like the world is conspiring against me, I feel the exam is rigged and deliberately conducted in a way that I can't succeed. I woke up when that thought crossed my mind in the nightmare.
There was congestion in my chest when I woke up and recalled the nightmare. I realized, a bit later, that perhaps the nightmare was speaking about how life tests me endlessly.
I feared meeting ADS for lunch because I was gripped by hurt and anxiety. I feared spoiling things further. I checked for a session with the tarrot card reader, and got no response. I requested for a session with VR, and he said he was busy. It felt like a rigged exam in real life. Nothing was going in my favour. I even regretted requesting ADS to meet me. But I did want to meet and clarify few things and also see if the course of the river can be changed, even after where it had reached. I visited the shrines and surrendered, praying to make things work in the favour of what my heart desires.
When we met for lunch, I don't know how, I was calm and calmly I presented my thoughts and feelings, which were heard and respected. It was a long honest conversation, which somewhere gave me a hope that maybe there is still a way to find in this relation what I wish to have, and that not everything is lost.
So, yet again, in this story of life, my fears were proven wrong again. And though things did not materialize the way I want, there was some indication of it happening sometime in the future. Maybe one thing that I need to remember and stick to is the suggestion made by the tarrot card reader on 12th of March-- "you have to be patient. Very patient."
I also wonder, what would have happened if I had not written that long letter. Looks like I would have received a letter from ADS which would have declared the strengthened faith in agape. My anxiety made me write first, and declare my feelings. It stopped ADS from crystalizing the shape and form of what is between us, which would have blocked the flow of possibilities in the direction I wish the river to flow. Maybe it was a good thing to happen. And that too at the right time. What is funny, and also blessing, perhaps is that the reason I panicked and went to confession mode did not demand anything to worry about. But yes, it could have lead to crystalization of shape and form in the heart o ADS. Now that is't happening. But will ADS open up to the possibilities? I don't know. I hope it works in the favour of my heart. All I can do is continue to write the exam, as the exam question paper continues to grow. And yes, be patient.
Oh Almighty, don't let me down. Please be by me. Please ensure, I find, at least this time, what the heart desires. Please make ADS and me sail through and sail to the island where my heart craves to build a home, a home of love, a home of belonging. I pray to thee.
God, why are you testing me so much?
20 pages! Really?!
Uncanny. Tarrot card reader. Relieved. Thanks.
Nightmares. Again. Cold-feet. Again. Racing heartbeats. Again.