Yes, it hurt, and I felt like I had gone back to those dark spaces again. But something has rescued me yet again in this story of life. Though life hasn't reached where my heart desires to, surprisingly, it hasn't collapsed the way the fear within imagines. With these, I am slowly overcoming my fears, and also coming to believe that perhaps there is a positive outcome to this story of life, even though there is no solid evidence to support the hope. I hope this hope doesn't die, and I hope this hope doesn't get proven wrong.
Yesterday, after a long night of disturbed sleep and nightmares where chaotic images flashed on the screen of my mind, at dawn, I had one last nightmare before I woke up. In that nightmare I was in an exam hall facing an exam for a subject that I love. But strangely, in the nightmare, when I look at the question paper, I begin to forget all that I know. I panick. Obviously. My head spins, my stomach churns, and my hand begins to shiver. Unable to hold myself, unable to face the moment, my body gives up and there is a long period of blackout. When I wake up, lot of time has passed and the invigilator is warning of limited time left to complete the paper. I panick more. I look at the question paper again, there are deliberately made errors in the print of the question paper, merging two or more words, giving gap between a word and breaking the flow etc. I slowly begin to solve that puzzle and read the question. I succeed to some extent and I begin to write the answers. I write and write and write. But as I fill sheets of paper, I see that not just the answer sheet is growing in size, even question paper is! The questions are increasing in the question paper and it is growing longer. It enrages me, I feel like the world is conspiring against me, I feel the exam is rigged and deliberately conducted in a way that I can't succeed. I woke up when that thought crossed my mind in the nightmare.
There was congestion in my chest when I woke up and recalled the nightmare. I realized, a bit later, that perhaps the nightmare was speaking about how life tests me endlessly.
I feared meeting ADS for lunch because I was gripped by hurt and anxiety. I feared spoiling things further. I checked for a session with the tarrot card reader, and got no response. I requested for a session with VR, and he said he was busy. It felt like a rigged exam in real life. Nothing was going in my favour. I even regretted requesting ADS to meet me. But I did want to meet and clarify few things and also see if the course of the river can be changed, even after where it had reached. I visited the shrines and surrendered, praying to make things work in the favour of what my heart desires.
When we met for lunch, I don't know how, I was calm and calmly I presented my thoughts and feelings, which were heard and respected. It was a long honest conversation, which somewhere gave me a hope that maybe there is still a way to find in this relation what I wish to have, and that not everything is lost.
So, yet again, in this story of life, my fears were proven wrong again. And though things did not materialize the way I want, there was some indication of it happening sometime in the future. Maybe one thing that I need to remember and stick to is the suggestion made by the tarrot card reader on 12th of March-- "you have to be patient. Very patient."
I also wonder, what would have happened if I had not written that long letter. Looks like I would have received a letter from ADS which would have declared the strengthened faith in agape. My anxiety made me write first, and declare my feelings. It stopped ADS from crystalizing the shape and form of what is between us, which would have blocked the flow of possibilities in the direction I wish the river to flow. Maybe it was a good thing to happen. And that too at the right time. What is funny, and also blessing, perhaps is that the reason I panicked and went to confession mode did not demand anything to worry about. But yes, it could have lead to crystalization of shape and form in the heart o ADS. Now that is't happening. But will ADS open up to the possibilities? I don't know. I hope it works in the favour of my heart. All I can do is continue to write the exam, as the exam question paper continues to grow. And yes, be patient.
Oh Almighty, don't let me down. Please be by me. Please ensure, I find, at least this time, what the heart desires. Please make ADS and me sail through and sail to the island where my heart craves to build a home, a home of love, a home of belonging. I pray to thee.
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