Mike Driver
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@anizzlenisscatdizzle
November 2024
Ever since my 31st bday, nothing has ever been the same since.
The beginning of the year was hard as it is. Then my bday came around. I’ve been living like a soulless robot since..
Nothing ever goes my way.
Nothing ever stays.
I’m no one to everyone.
I don’t deserve this life.
I regret so much this year.
I miss so much this year.
I hope to move on from what I endured this year.
I want to move on.
I want to be happy.
I want to be ok again..
Late 2023
It is November.
I am 30 years old.
I’ve come far in life.
How I feel about my past is finally gone.
High school memories I will always cherish.
But here we are a whole decade or so.
I’ve done some growing in some areas.
I’ve become a person I wanted to be.
Took me this long.
I got a job.
A job I didn’t think I’d like.
A job I actually feel at peace at.
Something active.
Something resourceful.
Something to want to hold on to for my future.
I’m sad about this new position though.
I question it very strongly.
I truly feel like god wants me to have it to stop flirting about.
To stop getting little attention from a man here or there.
Not that I’m even doing anything.
But now I’m definitely gonna be lonely where I’m going.
I hope I stay busy. Mind my own business.
I won’t have to deal with HER ever again for a while.
I guess, it’s gonna be ok. I hope.
I’ll miss the friends I made in unload.
I definitely won’t miss that small man.
I feel bad about him.
I don’t want to lead him on.
I don’t want him to hate me either.
But I have to tell him no.
Idk what this new short season will bring me, but I hope it’s gonna be good.
I likes being kept busy.
I liked exceeding more.
She really got inside my head though.
Telling me that she’s being pushed to apply and whatnot.
Telling me that she gave the position to me as if she had that right.
I know they werent gonna accept her.
With her bad attitude n all.
Not even the guy got accepted.
He claimed he knew what he was doing.
How were his answers differently than mine?
I could have sworn anyone could get it.
Apparently not?
What are they really looking for?
I’ll ask but still, do they want her to apply bc she’s a good candidate? Or bc they are trying to push her to get out?
Does that mean they pushed me out?
Am I not worthy to be kept in unload?
Do they not need me at all?
Was I thrown out?
I just need answers to calm my brain.
How were my answers good enough to get me the job?
I didn’t even want it..
Well, he did recommend me highly for whatever reason.
Do they see how much I can do?
Am I worthy of it?
Do I suck that bad in unload?
I thought I was pretty fast.
I thought I was doing better.
Maybe I’m not..
Maybe that’s why they wanted me there instead.
I don’t know.
Im just scrambled.
Wasted
I cannot begin to tell you or myself how low I feel. I don’t know why or where I developed feelings for a person who didn’t feel what I did. I can’t explain how badly I want him for me. A person so wholesome. A person so rare. But doesn’t want me. I just might be the problem after all.. what is it about me that no one seems to want? I don’t know why Jae even wants me for. I am nothing. I have nothing. I am worth nothing. I am just a screw up. No wonder no one wants me. I only wanted him. Mikey. Just him and yet he still doesn’t want me. All the things he said. Leading me on and whatnot. All lies and for what? Just to tell me he sees no future between us..???? I’ve been let down so much in life. What did I do to deserve this??..
End of June '19
Another year
Another silence.
I received nothing for my birthday again
But I expected it this time
I prayed but I guess it was never meant to be
I've been better though.
I've been trying to find me again.
It's a tough ride but once again, I've picked myself up.
It's always been me against the world.
One day, I'll be more than invincible.
One day, I'll finally move on and let go.
It was all a dream. That's all it has always been.
I have to live with what I have.
I'm ready to flee
I'm ready for bigger things.
I search no purpose in this world so maybe it's time to find my happiness out there.
It's not here anymore.
It was once.
But now, I have to go.
I've been a lot better though.
I'm more firm now
I'm more alert now
I'm more of me these days.
Pain really changes people
But for now I'm sticking to what's good for me
I'm doing what I have to do for myself.
Because one day, I'm going to change the world.
I'm going to ruin his life without actually touching it.
Like he ruined my heart. I will destroy his.
But for now, I'm just being me.
Getting closer to 30.
Yet, I still look 18.
4 more years and even violet will be 8.
No more kids for me for entirely sure.
I just want to be happy.
Being here, is hell.
THIS IS SO GREAT
Y’all this has given me all kinds of happiness, I miss Ed, Edd, and Eddy so much :-/
It's nice to know someone understands me. At least about what's going on in my soul.
She gets that my love for someone else is infinite.
It is impossible to forget.
It is impossible to move on.
But I'll live on. I'll be fine
Message to my Young Self
If time travel was real, or if there truly is alternate universes and such, I would jump to the past and stop myself from a lot of things.
Dear 15 year old me,
It is the year November 20th 2018. I have a lot of lingering regrets that I dreadfully wish I could go back to redo.
If there's a few things I would tell you, I would definitely say a lot.
You will meet the love of your life before you turn 16 but it will be painful. Don't seek him. Let him search for you. For All those times you ever felt not good enough, don't believe it because you're too good for him.
I hope you don't fall for him. He's the one who brought you to this now present time.
Be strong. Don't seek attention from anyone. No one deserves to know your life. No one deserves to know your story.
There will be people who love you for the you, you truly are.
Never try too hard for others. Never impress anyone.
You have so much potential and I would not listen to anyone that has something negative to say.
Keep your loved ones as close as you can. Do not drive them away.
You're so young and full of life, do not worry about what people say, you too will glow up.
Work hard, paint a lot, try to finish school, thrive to the fullest. You have so much to offer. Don't let any guy fool you.
You are gonna face a lot of things between your family but stand firm and protect them anyway.
Listen to your mom. She is the cause of the loss of my soulmate but that's why it's important to stop being so rebellious.
He isn't even worth it. No matter how much you love him after many years, he's still not worth a tear. You deserve better.
Keep to yourself. Not everyone should know your life like that. People will try to bring you down but darling, you keep that chin up. I wish I could go back in time and give you a hug that you needed. Advice that you longed for and a friend you needed most.
But one thing you'll always be is a strong person.
You wanted to rely on others for many things but YOU did everything on your own.
Never stop trying. Never stop fighting because you've been a fighter since birth.
You fight for what you believe is right.
Fight for him as long as he fights back.
Do not fight for someone who would throw you to the front lines at an instant.
Love yourself because you will eventually become much more beautiful.
Show love.
Don't pity yourself.
Have confidence.
You are remarkable and those who love you will stick around.
Oh how I admire that you've been such a fighter.
You've don't so much by yourself, you continue to have strength. You will face a lot of heartache and stress but you will get through.
Watch bobs burgers.
Paint more.
Honor your mother.
If he loves you he'll look for you. Never look for him.
He's not worth it.
Yes, you love him, but no, you deserve better.
Thrive my lovely.
You got this.
Clear your mind here
SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE WHO STILL TRIES TO GET BACK INTO THE SWING OF THINGS AFTER DEPRESSION HIT THEM HARD. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH RECOGNITION FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO KNOW THAT THEY’RE GOING TO LOSE INTEREST AND MOTIVATION AGAIN BUT PUSH THEMSELVES TO DO STUFF ANYWAYS. YOU ARE FIGHTING A DAILY BATTLE WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND YOU’RE STILL COMING OUT ON TOP, YOU’RE ALL BRAVE AS FUCK
Blues of the night
Everyone has a story to tell.
Everyone has it 💯 different than each other.
Some have it better than others
Or some have it worse.
It all depends the situation and how it's handled.
I wish I could go back and never came across him.
Maybe I'd be happy with my life.
Maybe I would be better.
Maybe my family would be proud of me.
It's sad to say they're proud of my husband who I don't even want. (Long story too)
But nothing for me.
I work long night shifts.
I'm a mother.
I'm a wife.
I'm a daughter.
I do a lot of things for my family.
I try my best at being responsible and still making time for myself.
I'm a huge selfish person but I always put everyone else before me.
It's ok, I'm used to being last. Even to myself.
I'm not as important than I thought.
Nothing I do pleases anyone.
Not even my own parents.
Pity party me ok whatever.
But still I just want that recognition I think I deserve.
I guess I don't then.
Because I would have received it by now right?
Maybe I am doing wrong and not seeing it.
But as far as I know, I'm doing everything in my power to put my kid and husband first.
I'm even working a lot with only 4-6 hours of sleep each night.
Waking up tired, exhausted, and even restless and yet still no pat on the back.
I never get asked how work went.
I tried to share some info but it twisted back to how he had a bad day.
Never about me.
Whatever.
And they wonder why my attitude is just aggravating.
Im sitting under the bright moon wondering what he's doing tonight.
Wondering why he left.
Wondering if he's ok. Which I'm sure he is.
Wondering if he ever thinks about me in return.
It was all a dream with him.
He never loved me.
I love him enough to let him go.
Why do I do this to myself?
Bc I feel like nothing is going right for me.
He didn't love me enough to stay the very first time. Why am I even surprised?
He's happy.
So I tell the Moon "please let him know I miss him. Please keep him safe. I'll always love him"
Even though I desperately don't want to anymore.
I want freedom.
I want my life moving up not stuck.
Here I am.
Not close to my dreams.
She is living my dream.
He's experiencing OUR/MY dream with her.
Not with me like he had promised.
Had.
Past tense.
Gone.
Done.
Never again.
Why her..
Why me..
When will my life begin..?
Distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December.
Nameless here for evermore.
Darkness there and nothing more.
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp light gloating? She shall press ah nevermore.
Be that word our sign in parting bird or friend
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted, nevermore
Be careful for what you wish for
For many years I begged God to give me a friend that knows what I'm going through.
A friend that has a completely relatable story to mine.
A friend who went, or is going through what I am.
Someone totally different.
Someone unfamiliar.
But I didn't think he would let it happen to one of my best friends.
Shit..
Not them.
Oh god no not them please, I asked.
But that's what I wished for.
One of my best friends of 2 kids.
She's had her life set and I basically ruined it.
I didn't want MY friends to experience this.
I wanted someone new.
But I wished that upon myself and this is my answer.
Thankful either way because I feel free from all the burden I kept hiding inside.
She's the only one who truly knows it all.
Now she relates to me.
I didn't want that but at least I can say I'm finally not alone.
I'm not proud of it though.
I'm guilty.
But now is my time to help us both.
She's here to help me too.
But I feel like I'm helping her more.
I'm ok with that.
I NEVER want this even on my worst enemy.
The pain I've suffered for many years.
The same pain that still lurks around me.
I don't want that for anyone.
She has it.
Last week, she cried for the first time I've ever been friends with her.
10+ years of friendship and she cried for the very first time in front of me about her situation. I felt terrible.
Like as if it's all my fault she's having this pain.
It hurt me so much to see her like that.
So I did the one thing I needed for years.
I went to her and hugged her.
Sometimes, we need that sort of affirmation.
We need that comfort.
It was a long hug.
I told her she's stronger than this.
She asked me "how did you last all these years without this type of help?"
My response "I had to figure things out on my own"
No one was ever around to understand my situation.
No one was able to give me the hug or comfort I truly needed.
I had to hug myself to bed.
I know God was there.
He never left me.
But in this physical world, I had no one except my pillow.
Pain changes people.
I've changed into bitterness.
sometimes I overcome it, sometimes I let it swarm over me.
My mood is what determines it.
Anyway, I tried to help her that much.
I have till this day, dealt with this heartache for a decade.
She's just dealt with it this passed summer.
And all I could offer is my open arms to comfort her.
I needed that comfort for many years, the least I could do is give it to those who don't deserve the pain.
I don't want her to do this especially alone.
So I'm willing to put things aside and help her emotionally.
To remind her who the person she is.
The strength she has.
She has more to offer.
She has a good life too.
I don't want her to let some man rule over her.
I let that happen for so long.
It's not a fun thing to live with.
It's a lot of baggage alone.
Don't drag others into it.
It's easier said than done to let go.
I've been trying believe me.
It's always the little things that tie me back.
The more I let it tie me easily the more harder it is to unravel the knot.
It's been this way for me for 10 years now.
He shouldn't have reached out to me.
But I'm fucking stronger than this.
Mid august 2018
So here I am again. Venting like always.
There's no other place to go when you don't want people to know your secrets.
Where do I start?
I feel different.
I feel numb.
To everything
To anyone
To anything
I realized last month that it's time for a change.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Living here only hurts me and no one knows why.
I don't want to live at a place where I don't feel myself.
I want to be free
I was meant to fly.
To flee from this place that I once loved.
It's his fault.
I wanted a life with him.
But he wanted to wander.
He didn't see that I wanted to wander with him by his side.
He pushed me away.
I thought he didn't want me anymore so I tried to move on.
My life did move on but my heart remained lost for him.
I still till this day can't seem to let go.
Years later he wanted me back but it was too late.
Sad thing was, I wanted him back as well.
But in the end it was all lies.
I repaired my heart with something heavy and cold but somehow he managed to make it live and warm again.
At the end, he once again took it.
And the fool that I am, I have to repair my heart for the 3rd time.
He just took it.
Like that.
He took my heart, ran with it, and instead just gives it to someone else who thinks he loves them.
He gave her MY heart.
He didn't even give her his.
He gave my warm and live heart to her instead of his bitter cold heart.
9 years long and still never changed.
He never loved me
I loved him. I still do.
And yet he does this to me.
I'm the fool.
And yet everything is my fault?
Life is truly unfair to me.
But what can I even do?
This is it.
Still,
I loved him at 15
I loved him at 20
I still love him at 25
But we are not meant to be.
I guess even some soulmates don't ever reconnect.
It's been one sided for me.
That's how it'll always be.
What the actual fuck July '17
I’m casually sitting on my couch watching Naruto wondering when will my life begin, I was scrolling around in instagram when I noticed a notification of a new follower appeared. As I saw the list of followers I noticed one unfamiliar. So I checked on their profile thinking “Meh it’s probably one of those lame ghost followers or something” I noticed one particular photo of this particular persons tattoos. My mind went blank for a moment and I went back to the main board of their profile and realized… it was him.. it’s Ethan. What. The. Actual. Fuck..? My heart RACED it SPED ACROSS THE ROOM! It was so strong I started to shake. My eyes started to tear up. I couldn’t control myself! I was hyperventilating in ways I never thought I did. I was shook. I look over to Jason and he asked if I was ok. I said that I had to pee and got up. I needed air. Of all times. Of all years. Of all places. Why here..? Why instagram? WHY SOCIAL MEDIA?? Why couldn’t he ever LOOK OR SEARCHED for me??!!! Why does it have to be now? I’m so lost. I saw his posts He’s changed. He’s not the batman he said he’d be. He’s something else. Not even his normal self. That I remember of anyway. I know things change. I know people change. I didn’t think he would. What do I do..? What do I say..? There’s so much lost feelings I don’t know where to begin.. how can I end this?? I want him out forever. I want these feelings, gone.
July 17 '18
Didn't even last 6 months
Didn't even pass 2 months
After august/September it was over.
I tried to stay connected but.. nope.
Didn't work out.
What made it worse was, officially leaving.
That one night in march.
That last time in Anaheim.
That was it.
He never changed.
Go figure.
No more.
Ever again.
Oh well..
Here we are a year later.
Not a single word for months.
Not even a happy birthday.
I'm done.
Shouldn't have ever reached out to me.
I'm not letting myself get fooled ever again.
Purple Wonder🔮
There’s something about the color purple that draws my attention.
There’s something about the color purple that has always been a part of my life.
Why do I like it so much?
Ita not even my favorite color.
But I like it as if it’s attached to me.
During my youth, I was obsessed with batman.
Everything about it was relevant to my life.
Catwoman.
She was a huge impact of my attitude.
Everything about that character had something to do with me.
Maybe not the physical features but everything else definitely.
I’ve always liked the dark things.
Gothic type of stuff interest me.
Nothing satanic. The gloomy dark stuff, There’s a difference.
It started there.
During my youth, I fell in love with him.
Perfect example of my batman interest.
He had fit into every category.
He was my batman. I was his catwoman.
He was into the color purple. Just as I was.
For years that was our color.
He was wonder.
My purple wonder.
morado prodigio
Dark and mysterious.
He was that perfect example.
But I was never anything in return.
It was all me who kept dreaming.
I’ll never be anyone’s dream.
He has his Turquoise dream.
I have nothing. I am nothing.
Oh well.
Good things are coming
New year
It’s been definitely a year of happiness and true sadness. It’s now 3 months. I haven’t heard anything since before Christmas and well I’ve just come to realize that it’s not meant to be or ever will be. He never cared. It was all lies. I did this to myself. I’m letting him go for the last time; I’m moving on. I tried to before. No it didn’t work but at this point, I have to. He lost me once again. My heart has been through so much and now this.. I’m not letting him get to me anymore.; Yea we agreed that we will in the future but he’s nothing but a liar to my face. He’s a jerk and a user. He used me. But why? For what? I can’t be friends. It’s not working out.; He is so used to girls fighting for him that it’s all he expects from me. Not anymore. I’m done trying. Wanna look for me then good luck.; I’m building that wall up again. Best wishes upon your life. have a nice life. bye felicia.
