You know what’s an absolute gold mine for the “Humans Are Space Orcs” fandom?
About 4 books in, they befriend an alien nicknamed “Ax,” and here are some of his golden moments:
1. He repeatedly refers to the groups designated leader as “Prince,” despite being told not to
2. “Ax, you could either be a really pretty guy, or a kind of unattractive girl.” “I am an Andalite.”
3. In his normal form, he has no mouth. So whenever he goes into human morph, he ends up repeating a lot of sounds because he thinks it’s fun.
4. Example: “So far. So far. Farrrrr. Faaaaar....So. Ssssso far so so so good.”
5. The first time they took him to the mall, he wandered off and ordered a coffee from a Starbucks just because he saw other people doing it. When he got his coffee, he didn’t realize that he had to drink from the hole in the lid and spilled it on himself. When he finally got it right, he was marveling at the incredible coffee-cup-lid technology (“So simple! Imple. And yet so effective!”)
6. When told to throw the coffee cup away, he literally chucked it at a cashier.
7. When he wandered off again, he ran to the food court and started snatching up leftover food from the tables and eating it because he became so obsessed with the newly obtained sense of taste. This ended up with him being chased down and tackled by mall security. He then decided it was a brilliant idea to de-morph RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL, terrifying dozens of people.
8. From his diary: “The first thing an Andalite may notice about humans is that they walk around only on two legs. It is very strange to see so many creatures balancing that way. But, despite this, they seldom fall over.”
9. “I was never exactly a great student, but I could just imagine how my fellow Andalites would ask when they finally rescued me. They’d ask, ‘So, Aximilli, what did you learn about Earth?’ And I’d have to say ‘Um, well, not much.’”
10. “It is an amazing sensation, making sounds with your mouth. Actual words are formed by vibrating your throat and positioning your tongue. But some sounds are better than others. ‘Ing’ is a wonderful sound to make.”
11. One time, they take him to see an earth movie. A Star Trek movie, to be specific. This sparked this chain of events:
He was handed a box of popcorn and loved the taste. He also started eating the box.
Said that the Enterprise looked like a “Hajabran freighter” and that a Klingon looked like an “Ongachic female.”
He then noticed the various amounts of dropped popcorn and candy on the floor of the theater. Not only does he start eating them, but starts crawling down the isles in order to get more.
He had to be forcibly dragged out of the theater while shouting about chocolate globules
12. Diary entry: “There are many dangers for an Andalite in a human morph. For one thing, there is the constant danger that you will fall off your two legs. The slightest push and you can topple over. But worse by far is the danger of taste. Taste is the sense that can drive an Andalite mad! Especially if it involves cinnamon buns or chocolate.”
13. An exchange between him and a friend: “‘No one wants to ask you because they think maybe it’s rude. But everyone wants to know how you eat with no mouth.’ ‘How I eat?’ I repeated, puzzled. ‘Well, I have hooves, don’t I?’ ‘Ooookay,’ Tobias said. ‘I’ll mind my own business.’”
14. “‘In school, during Xenobiology, we had a section on humans,’ I told Tobias. ‘It mostly involved human television programs. News shows. Entertainment. Music.’ ‘Music? You mean like MTV? You were watching music videos on the Andalite homeworld?’”
15. Diary entry: “I have morphed some Andalite animals. And I have morphed many strange Earth animals. But the animal I morphed the most is the human animal. They are weak, slow, half-blind, and unstable, but no Andalite should laugh at them. Humans rule their planet. And as the human Rachel once said, Earth is a tough neighborhood.”
16: Diary entry: “A human has only two eyes. Both are in the front of the face. It is the same with most Earth species. These human eyes are very similar to our own main eyes. But humans seem fascinated by my stalk eyes. One of the humans, Marco, has said they ‘creep him out big time.’ I believe this is a compliment.”
17: There was also the time when they decided to take Ax to school, disguised as Jake’s cousin “Phillip” from “out of state.” He then gets super freaked out by the sound of the school bell.
18. “Clothing is not a uniquely human idea, but of course Andalites do not indulge in it. However, when I am in human morph I must wear clothing. All of my human friends, even Tobias, agree on this. They agree very strongly on this one point.”
19. One time he wandered over to a character’s father’s computer. He assumed that what was on it was a game in which you needed to correct errors. It was actually computer code, and he ended up writing software that was CENTURIES ahead of human technology by accident.
20. Diary Entry: “Books are an amazing human invention. They allow instant access to information simply by turning pieces of paper. They are much faster to use than computers. They do many things backward.”
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