And I Will Try To Fix You (seolay drabble)
The audience before him stood still, contrary to the usual wild crowd that cheered the underground rock bands on stage. Even his bandmates seemed bugged out at his sudden request to play something alone–the great Zhang Yixing of The Hollow Abyss; probably the most well-known underground rock band in the city. He often strums the guitar, a few times on the keyboard, always the songwriter and composer. But he never lent his voice; much more, speak before people.
“I’m pretty much awkward so I apologize for the lack of communication skills beforehand.” People downstage were motionless, their breaths hitched, but their anticipation seemed to grow even larger. “Well, for starters, I’ve met a very, very refreshing woman a month ago.”
People, mostly female, gasped and started to murmur with each other at his sentence. Even though he sat on the leather stool in front of a grand piano, he could see from the corners of his eyes the surprise from the crowd’s faces.
Of course, for a year of success, he never interacted with the audience, ever, before. Thus, somebody, a woman even, must be that much of an allurement to catch his interest.
“I don’t want this to come off as an offense but we all know how fans seem to be more interested in getting rockers as their companions than to be intesrested in the actual music we produce. After all, our Luhan here isn’t much of a help.” He drawled quietly, referring to a handsome man, the frontman of his band.
The guy is the personification of both charms and talent. Underneath the gorgeous appearance was a very passionate man.
As if on cue, Luhan, stuck his tongue out on the audience. Of course, the females barely breathe at that gesture. The man sure knew how to use his face. So instead of being offended, the crowd urged Yixing to continue.
“But this, this woman, she brought some of her textbooks at the gig, barely looking at our performance.” He said with an undisguised tone of amusement. “When her friends, which were pretty much close to us too, introduced her to us, she just nodded at the four of us and went back on her damned lucky text books. Her friends excused that they just actually forced her to come with them.”
A wave of disapproval went on the crowd, but of course, Yixing knew better. They were all the band’s fans. They’d be really biased towards that matter.
“But the thing was, she’s nice enough to look at us again. And guess what she said?” He paused, half for the suspense and half to recall the pleasant memories. “She fucking told us that the band–our band–is nice enough to jam on out some Nirvana and Pearl Jam songs. And that’s the first time I heard a girl talking about my favorite bands.”
His heart throbbed, the yearning ached through the walls.
“Chanyeol–” He referred to the tall guy who’s in charge of the drums. “–asked how well she knew those bands. And I’m pretty sure he was just as shocked as Luhan, Minseok and I. And guess again what she replied to us?”
Yixing felt something nostalgic gushed through his veins again, remembering not only the girl’s reply but also the brief-drooping smile she gave them. He actually didn’t expect her to be more interesting until she gave them her response to the follow-up question.
“She said, she knew the songs enough by heart, as if she’s just talking about her own name. And that she knew the members enough to tell the size of their boxers.”
Yixing fought the urge to grin as the audience laughed at his story-telling. He swore and hoped that at that time, the girl was just joking because it pained him to know the possibility that she fantasized about those bands.
“Everyone knows I was held accountable for our band’s name–and the name epitomized each member’s feeling–very, very deep but very, very shallow at the same time. It’s the kind of feeling when you knew you had it great but there’s still a huge hole that would definitely make you empty.”
“And she, sort of, filled that void in me. A week after, things just got so much better; for her and for me I guess. And she’s basically the reason why the band took off from the regular–the good ol' sad songs. She’s practically the sunshine and rainbow and candy and unicorn to our lives.”
Yixing thought for a moment. If he’s still the same passive and emo guy he used to be, he would be puking and cringing at his words. Yet, he didn’t seem to mind that now.
When the girl visited their band’s performances for the consecutive days, she became more and more radiant to them–or to him more specifically. They spent time after his performances, secluding themselves from the wild after parties–and just talked.
He wasn’t exactly a saint to women and the pleasure they could offer but it just felt so purifying to have someone like her, just beside him, talking about random things. Sure she’d be able to arouse him but she was never suggestive nor provocative at all.
Although her exterior was already immensely splendid, the gleam of her inner beauty seemed to appeal to him more. She’d taken medicine in college and was currently on an internship at a local hospital. She talked about the patients she encountered a lot, bringing the caring nature out of her. She also talked a lot about his and his members’ health but to his own surprise, he never felt that she was nosy at all. Perhaps, it was the genuine attitude of hers.
They also talked about his issues, things that weren’t really to be discussed normally. But she had this trustworthy looks all over her and Yixing poured out his heart on her. He told her about his depression, his nightmares, his hate for the society–at an extent, he was afraid of making her frightened at his character.
But instead, he learned about her cynicism too. She came from a broken family–a terribly shattered, dysfunctional family, as she specified. At some point, Yixing realized that she was actually more of a rebellious type.
And he knew, that time, what had actually brought them together–their high standards when it came to music preferences. Something so bright like her talked about sex, violence and drugs and he thought it was the sexiest side of her he’d seen.
Somehow, they connected just like that.
But good things could end at a blink of an eye and the next thing he knew is that she didn’t appear for almost a week.
“But I guess…rainbows, unicorns and all that stuff can’t last long. I didn’t know what I have done but I’ve never felt so determined to find out. Her friends wouldn’t talk to me, of course, since they were on her side. Dread filled me more because it made me feel like that the fault was on me. I was frustrated; I didn’t know what to do to fix the fault even though, at the same time, I knew exactly that I’ve done nothing wrong. Women, they’re always complicated.” He grunted.
“Fortunately, my saviour, Minseok was able to get an info out of one of her friends. He told me that she’s on a brink, with her father fighting for his life after an accident.”
Tears almost pooled on his eyes. He blinked a few times, pushing back the wetness in his lashes.
When he first found out, he knew exactly why she was out of herself. She had once shared that if there’s actually a member of her family that she truly loved, it was her father.
Although the man was an alcoholic and a womanizer, he sheltered his kids–or as she said so. At first, he thought that she’s talking on a literal sense, until he felt how she yearned for her father. It was then she continued that even though she had never-ending fights with her father, that she hated how the man brought her a family like that, she’d actually hope they’d reconcile or something like that.
He immediately went after her, skipping the gigs that night. The memory evoked, as if an unforgettable movie in HD was played in his mind. He remembered exactly what she wore; plain dirty-white tees, old wash blue jeans and a pair of fluffy slippers. But that wasn’t exactly what was tattooed in his mind.
His head pulsed at the thought. Her hair had been messy, as if she’d run her fingers on the dishevelled hair for a lot of times already. Her lips were dry and nipped–she might had been nibbling on it out of anxiety. Her nose was very red, her cheeks puffy and wet. And her eyes–both were swollen. And the hollowness inside the orbs frightened him.
At that moment, he had come to see a personified ragged doll.
“Pain rolled on me at the sight of my luminous girl broken in all possible ways. I had learned that she skipped most of the meals, stayed up for a few days without any kind of sleep. She’s the light that casted off a hope on me so seeing her like that would likely bring me back to the dark. But there’s this courage that flowed on me to help her; I knew by that time that I’m in love with her. As the popular Lao Tzu quote said, being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone gives you courage.”
He’d stick to her side, hoping he would be able to bring some light on her just as how she did to him before. However, after the burial, she wanted personal space. Yixing swore he was scared that time, thinking she’d finally leave him, that he failed her. He had always hated himself for being useless but the girl quickly hugged him to assure that he wasn’t the wrong one in the equation.
Excuses. At first he thought those were her excuses. But when he looked back at the totality of the story, she was trying to gather herself. It would be nicer if he’d be there to help her pick the pieces up. But he also knew from experience that people sometimes really needed to be alone, to reflect and lick their own wounds clean.
The death of her father was surely the highest point of her life. She was just starting to warm up with him, recognizing some of his good qualities, when he’d finally leave her. He could only imagine how hard she worked to look past her walls, walls that emotionally protected her, only to be left beaten up again.
So he waited. And he was surely still waiting.
“Now, I wanted to play a song, not just the usual good, old, sad song. This is something I consider that mirrored a friend who wanted to help. She might not be here, but I really wanted to pour this out and hopefully, to gather more courage to reach out on her again. There wasn’t an official conclusion on us–not that I wanted us to give up or not that there’s actually a relationship between us in the first place.”
“But hey, it wouldn’t hurt to try, right?”
When he glanced on the very, very quiet audience, he was shocked to see that the most of them were already on tears. His girl’s story must’ve been really disheartening. Though, he’d only share a short and sugar-coated summary.
Then he looked back on his bandmates, all three equally intense and solemn. When he choked on his tears, he realized that it might have been him. He wasn’t even aware that he had been crying.
Without any warning, he played on the ivory keys in front of him. He felt the crowd tensed, realizing that it was indeed his favorite song he was playing. But the turmoil inside him was the worst.
He started off singing with a soft voice. It was tender that it became almost inaudible. But sobs filled the stadium because the emotions were more distinct. The brokenness of each word from the song was strong.
All throughout the performance, he shut his eyes off. He knew they would betray him, would let the contained tears escape and he couldn’t afford that. His tears were as private as his emotions. And that’s something he would share with her, and her only.
As he neared on the end, he opened his eyes. At first, he thought that he was so absorbed by his own music that he was already hallucinating. So he diverted his eyes on the weeping audience and to his own bandmates who hung their heads low. Ruthless lights above him flickered without a warning and his eyes aw nothing but white at first. His performance ended and the lightning went normal again. But as his eyes landed on the specific spot before, again, he jerked up. Almost immediately, he ran towards the familiar figure. He halted just in front of the slender body.
She smiled, though the smile didn’t really reach her eyes. “Yes.” She whispered.
He ached for that voice, for her honestly. He wanted to reach and tuck the soft brown locks at the side of her head. Her now short hair was tied in a neat ponytail but some hung on the sides. He also noticed that her eyes were damp and swollen, indicating that she’d just cry.
“Fix You.” She breathed out, unidentifiable emotions dancing on her big brown eyes. “That’s from Coldplay. My favorite. Our favorite.” She clumsily talked, biting her lips again. “Chris Martin, the frontman of Coldplay, said that most of the songs he heard were about dealing with sad stories. So he thought maybe, he’d sing about fixing it instead.” She murmured in appreciation.
“Yes. Our favorite.” He responded, equally as gently as her. He knew that exactly. And precisely the reason why he chose that song. He wouldn’t want to deal with her, rather, he wanted to fix it. “How have you been Seohyun?”
Her eyes darted on the background, seemingly lost somewhere else. Her fingers fumbled over the frills of her dress. “I’m…kind of moving on. Just a little, still, moving on.”
Yixing couldn’t help himself, itching to touch her. He reached for her hands, his thumb caressing the back of her hand. The two of them shivered at that. “I’m glad, really…for you.”
He knew completely how hard it had been for him to say that. He was afraid. If she was moving on, then she’s probably moving on from the past, which pretty much included him. He wanted to understand. After all, he’s somewhat like an extra baggage to him.
With all of her problems, he’d make things heavier for her. His own problems and issues would only shoot her downwards.
His hand almost slipped until Seohyun was alarmed. She instantly held his hand, gripping on it as if her life depended on it.
“Yixing, I–” She muttered, swallowing. Tears shone and they fell from her lashed. “I wanted to fix this. I wanted to heal, with you. Let’s do this together, please.”
The girl didn’t even have to beg and Yixing immediately pulled her for a warm embrace. The vibration from her eased down and soon her arms locked on his neck. He pulled her closer by the waist, her warmth fluttered its way to him. The coldness inside him soon melted.
He inhaled her scent and it soothed all the worries he had. He kissed the top of her hand before he pulled away. His fingers intertwined with hers and he knew that she was trusting him, she’s going to depend on him. She was willing to go, through thick and thin, with him. And nothing else mattered to him at that moment. His courage to live a life, with her beside him, surged to the maximum level.
With the sincerest smile on his face from his twenty-five years of existence, he looked at her.
A/N: I am breaking apart...
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