Musings and Reveries of Ann Marie

musings and daydreams of a gal in her thirties

[annmariesreveries]

Resolution

Hi blog! i know, i know, its been months since I wrote to you. But hey, here I am, writing another entry no one will read. Well, someday, if they discovered this blog of mine. I just want to share my new resolution to you. These days, I'm just feeling dumb, unproductive, having imposter syndrome that I didn't deserve all of this. Maybe because this social media eating up inside me that I decided to have social media detox. I didn't deactivate my accounts, just uninstalled all my soc med accounts and just live my life, touch some grass as they say.

With the rise of AI, I feel my brain is not working. I cannot construct full and coherent sentences that I rely on AI everytime I need to think. My brain is rotting as it seems. What may be the solution of this? I just feel I cannot do it. You may say who says that, (its just me actually thinking that) and I say to not rely in simple words. See? I'm yapping nonsense here. Go read, em! Review! oh! by the way, I'm taking the LET. I just hope the PRC will accept my TOR. Will I pass it? My superego tell me to be a top notcher but my ego says i cannot pass it. I just think positive these times even if I don't review. Write you next time blog, because there's someone here. xoxo

P.S. I enrolled in Liceo for Doctorate degree for scholarship. I hope I will be approved. Fingers-crossed 🤞

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Insecurities

I have not-so-good thoughts stuck in my head lately so what better to express than to blog my feelings away. To start, I'm just a simple gal, a person with no pride or passion and just contented being average that I do not exert effort to be excellent. Maybe it stems from my childhood or just the way I am that whenever I have a goal, I get pessimistic. So many insecurities fill up my thoughts that concludes I'm not good enough. They say comparison is a thief of joy and I one hundred percent agree but sometimes I can't help compare myself with other people and become envious of people I see on social media. Yeah, yeah - people would chide that thought and say we different timelines and circumstances but you know, I can't help thinking, what about me. I have so much potential (me, raising my own chair) but the negative thoughts eats up inside me that I appear nonchalant and just settles for mediocrity. Is this self-awareness or just overthinking?

I think about my future a lot and if you ask where do I see myself in 5 or 10 years, I would always say a head or a director of a library (that is in interviews) but truthfully, I do not know. Maybe just sitting in a chair, doing some paperworks and hopefully retiring in peace (not that kind of peace if that's what you're thinking).

I do not know. These days, I'm contemplating whether to enroll in a post graduate program or not. I mean, it's not a requirement and the thing that motivates me is to apply in a scholarship that offers big allowance that hopefully I get to achieve.

I'm just not passionate of life. That's one thing that bothers me. Sure, it feels good to be recognize and applaused with one thing you're good at. That's one thing about passion, you are fulfilled with what you're doing and me, here I am, just existing. C'est la vie, we live to find purpose and I yet to find my purpose in my thirty-two years of existence.

Also, another problem with me is I do not take action. I know the problem and the solution but I dont bother. What's wrong with me. I just need answers. This rant wont end if I don't stop here and I won't even have my answers just writing my thoughts away so I'll just end here. This too shall pass. I could use some directions God 🙏🏼 

[annmariesreveries]

The Sunday Currently vol. 8

Its Easter Sunday, Christ has risen and here I am writing my 8th entry to the sunday currently series.

CURRENTLY

Reading

threads of strangers. some make me laugh, cry and pause to ponder.

Writing

I just finished writing my current entry to this blog you know what

Listening

to TOP and RAYE's new album. its a BOP.

Smelling

chicken adobo aroma, it my breakfast haha

Wishing

to not go back at work agad agad but you know, its necessary

Hoping

for the war to stop. US and Iran are bombing each other and its affecting all nations. I hope they settle whatever their problem with each other.

Wearing

my pambahay dress

Loving

can i say, life? hahaha there's nothing comes up in my mind.

Needing

a vacation. there's a travel coming up for me but I'm not so sure to push through with all current happenings in this world.

Feeling

positive. that's the spirit!

and here's the end. write to you soon, blog!

[annmariesreveries]

Current Thoughts

Hi blog! It's been a while! as I always say when I do not write to you for a long time hahaha

so, how have I been? you know, same same but different. A quick update on my life: I do not work anymore in BukSU cause I transferred to CSU. yes, that same CSU where I worked before but now I'm permanent with SG18, talk about big leap. I'm so blessed. Who would've thought I will work again at CSU. Yes, with my same boss if you ask me and its not so bad as long I do my job. I have new workmates who are much younger than me, at least the library will be more youthful and lively and the library is so big now. I have a positive feeling now and I hope this goes on.

another update, I got sick on February. I was admitted at the hospital for 2 weeks because of allergic reaction to my meds. Curse that med, now my skin got white patches and my face feels bloated. Thank God, it didn't got worse and I've healed except for my skin. I feel so ugly since I got sick, I pray that this will pass and heal immediately.

So far, that was the major happenings of my current life. after long hiatus from writing to you, I feel sharing to you what my thoughts lately. so much from reading threads from strangers. One thought struck me is my future. As you know, I'm NBSB and there's no one special or any man who woos me so what about my future? I always answer its ok to me if I there's no one will come but at the back of my mind, I yearn for someone who will sweep off my feet but with the way I am and the present, the someone is somewhat hazy. So here I am with my future, If someone is hazy so it means I will get old alone and being alone is so lonely and let's face the truth, by being alone, who will take care of me when I get old and wrinkly? My mother will eventually leave the earth before me if I survive that is so who will accompany me in the future? You may say that seem far to be thought about but I worry. Its the reality and there's my cousin, that is if we grow old together but you know, what if? haha these thoughts shaken me for now. So God, pls grant my hearts desire. Do not let me grow old alone🙏🏼

I know, i know, this is a distant future and I don't know if I will survive and reach old age but this is just things lingering in my thoughts. I guess this is where I end. So much for worrying hahaha write to you soon, blog. xoxo

[annmariesreveries]

Death

I have been contemplating a lot about Death this past few days. With all the death happening around me, my uncle, my neighbor and an influencer, I thought its not too bad to die. I dunno, I'm not suicidal but I'm picturing it. What does my brain trying to tell me? Is it depression or just burn-out? I do not wish to be dead but I'm thinking if I drop dead now, it would be a relief. They say its suicidal ideation, when you know, thinking about it. I always wonder what would be the reaction of people who knows me when I'm one with the cloud. I'm always curios about their eulogy. I dont know, for sure no one knows, the afterlife, whether I'm going to heaven or going to hell or if even they exist. I just hope when I'm below six feet on the ground, people will remember me as a good person, reminisce wonderful memories with me. This is not as cohesive entry as my thoughts are jumbled. I pray this too shall pass.

[annmariesreveries]

if the day I die comes

if the day I die comes

dont let me be a burden

swiftly, surely

old age goes

young as it may seem,

death would be a sweet reward

[annmariesreveries]

Regrets

I came across a content creator telling her regrets in her 20s as a 30 year old and I can't help thinking my regrets in life especially my age is coming off the calendar.

First thing that comes to my mind is I regret getting a credit card. Me, as a financial illiterate young gal with mission to heal my inner child goes uncontrollable with my expenses that I became buried in debt. I end up paying six-figure debt with my 5 ccs in a span of 5 years or maybe even longer. Imagine if I have save that money instead of paying, I should have six-figure savings and financially free. A few people know but I had my relapse because I stopped my meds in order to pay it. My financial woes started with it, I had loans left and right because of that very first credit card. Good news is I finally paid it last year but I still don't have financial freedom because I still have loans. If only I was financially wise, my problems would just be little even minute compared to other people's problem.

I regret not being active, may it be physically, socially, and academically. I was contented with the bare minimum that I don't aspire to be great. Now, I have many insecurities, dreams dismissed and ambitions rejected. I wish I have more friends that I can hang out with, I wish I have a body that can wear anything I want and I wish I was renowned in my field. Don't get me wrong, I am contented with what I have right now but I can't help realize what if I have done more, what if I persevere. It all stems from my self-esteem, growing up, I am not confident. I am shy and don't want to stand out . Maybe that's why.

There's so many things I regret doing or did not do but that's all I could think of the moment. Some people may say they don't have regrets in life, somehow i don't believe in that because in one way or another, people come across situations they don't like and end up questioning their decisions. As they all say, it's not too late. There's still time so I say, I can still do it- Cut off unnecessary expenses, save, befriend, be active, have goals. To cap off, as AI would say, learn from past mistakes, and find peace in the present.

xoxo,

em

[annmariesreveries]

The Sunday Currently vol. 7

It's been a while since I wrote this entry and it happens I have so many time and it's Sunday obviously so here it is.

CURRENTLY

Reading

Before the Coffee get cold, I just finished reading it and it brings many realizations especially with Time. Time is so precious that we must cherish who matter to us, to not have regrets and value what we have. As i read this, its brings poignant feeling for the characters that mirrors real life eexcept for the time travel part. We cannot change we say and done in the past much especially we do not know what the future will bring so we must live life with a intention and purpose.

Writing

this entry on my blog

Listening

to youtube vlogs about anything

Smelling

I don't smell anything as of the moment

Wishing

that my savings will increase...self-control, self!

Hoping

I recently applied a job in CSU and I hope that I will be the one that will be hired. So many competitions for that job because of huge pay.

Wearing

mustard skort and grey shirt...my usual pambahay

Loving

the book i just finished reading

Needing

a cabinet for our clothes, our bedroom is giving bodega vibes and I just commissioned to make our cabinet.

Feeling

anxious with my application, God kani lang juseyooo

So here you go, this week has been a little productive. I finished a book and go over my career choice. Lord, beke nemen hehe. Until then, blog!

[annmariesreveries]

Solitude

I realize its true what people say that one needs to learn to be alone. We were born alone and We die alone. Good thing I'm used to it, i mean in being alone. But sometimes you crave for company but also its a temporary feeling, you learn to get on with it. Solitude, as I see is both a blessing and a curse. Me, as an introvert, not that I prefer to be alone but sometimes I feel its force on me in those moments where I'm lonely. I've been on my own since birth, I'm an only child. Growing up is not lonely as it seems because I grew up with my cousins. When people learn that I'm only child, their follow up question would be is it not lonely. Ever since I was a kid, I don't have lifelong bond with friends, my friends come and go except for my cousins, they are built-in in my life. As I got older, I learn to go solo, not all my "trip in life" are their "trip". I don't want to wait on other people just to go on with life. So why I'm thinking this? As the song goes, hindi ko naman yata ikakamatay kng mag-isa ako.

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I met with my younger self for a coffee today

I met with my younger self for a coffee today

She arrived early at our agreed time. As I entered the coffee shop, her face lights up.

I asked what she liked coz its my treat. She's shy at first but eventually told me she wanted frappucino and I ordered what she wanted.

She's quiet, sipping coffee. I asked how she's doing and I'm glad she's doing great.

She gradually opened up and shared she's envious with other people. She has many worries and self-doubt.

"You may not be sure where the future will take you but I assure you will contented and happy", "You may not have everything but we are living comfortably" I said.

She got teary-eyed, she told she will keep doing her best to be me one day.

As we bid farewell, I hugged her and told that everything will be alright.

[annmariesreveries]

Beginning of February

It's officially start of February, i know its yesterday but i just thought to write my entry now. Januarrrryy feels to long and Its been a month since I wrote to you blog. I couldn't write as often as I like as I don't have many ganaps in life. My life has been a routine. Work-home-part time work on saturdays then back in Portulin to duty again in next week.

For life updates, I have a lending business, as what my workmates call, ADB, Ann Development Bank haha XD I just lend what I saved with my loan. At least, it will grow because of interest. I hope this business will go on. What else? I have now a new boss, Ma'am Lab as she is the newly installed Campus Head of Medina Campus. I hope that this is the start of new developments to our campus. I'm happy that she is my new boss at the same time, a little sad that sir Kerwin is not our boss now because he is considerate and lenient to us. Classes are starting now and I think I'm doing a good job. I hope this will continue and learn to eventually love teaching. I'm also back at watching animes, my current anime faves are getting new season so I'm catching up. I'm pretty productive also with reading as I finished a manhwa titled Solo Leveling (is it considered reading? haha it still is noh!) I'm also collecting classic books (many TBR books, self) and lastly, I transferred to a new pad. I wish to live an aesthetic life but the money is not moneying haha. That's all for now, I look forward to what February lies ahead. xoxo

[annmariesreveries]

Life Recap

2024 is ending and I want to have a recap of my life so far. This year have been so many wins, big and small and also losses. First, with my wins, I graduated with my Masters degree and became permanent with my employer. Losses...well, I can't think of anything, I don't have things to consider losses in my life so far as I consider stuff to be lesson learned. I'm entering 2025 broke but with savings hahahaha am i still considered broke even if I have extra money?

as 2024 goes by, I can say I did change, in subtle way that people may not seem to notice. It's really true as some people say that as you get older, you tend to be more quiet. I want to more private, low key with my life. I will shy away from social media and be more sapiosexual. I do not aim to be flattered by physical appearance but by what inside my brain. I think this leads to be my new year resolution.

For my spirit, pls change em (talking to my self), you don't have anyone to lead you anymore.

2025 is coming and I hope better things are yet to come. I cannot say that 2025 will be my best year but lets hope for the bestest. As they all say, 2025 Please be good to me.

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in 3 years...

in 3 years, there's something I would like to achieve - that is to be financially free, to achieve financial freedom, free from credit and loans but i know it's far to achieve given that i'm so impulsive but before i can dismiss this, it is not impossible. I cannot be 100% be credit free because I have credit to be paid just because I was the comaker of the bagag nawong na bayot (bisaya pra intense). Have self-control self! Please lang! now, I'm begging with myself hahaha.. afterall, the problem is within me. and please self, SAVE! you've been working for almost 9 nine years and yet, you have no savings. (Sorry na, I can't help it :p). I hope self that in 3 years you are free. Let's hope for the best! Fingers crossed! 🤞

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Realizations

life's a blur and time passes by as I realize my mother's getting old. I'm busy with my life, minding myself, of being an adult that I didn't really thought of my mother. Communication really plays an important role as we are both being open gradually with each other. God, please give me more time to be with my mother. I still haven't achieve my goals with her. I'm still unstable and I want to give my best to my mother. I want to give her what she wants and travel with her. I only want the best for her. I thank you, God for being so gracious. I'm happy that my mother is happy. Please grant my heart desires God.

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😔

i am deeply hurt by the words they said, by the things I heard. they don’t know a thing what I’ve gone through. Its easy for them to make fun of me coz they only see what they want to see. My mind is not at peace knowing what they have done. mocking me, laughing at me when i was at my worst. i do not know whats true anymore. All i’ve been was being genuine to everyone and here they are, stabbing me at my back. Its true you cannot trust anyone even you thought your closest friend. its been two years ago since I got my relapse but im still haunted with what happened. I know its my fault. I lost faith in humanity, in the people around me. I just hope they wont experience what I’ve experience, that they will taste their own medicine. God, I leave it all to you. 😭

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Feelings lately

What is this nagging feeling? Things been heavy lately. I'm sad for not knowing why. Maybe I'm just burnt out from stuff. Maybe it's just my insecurity eating up inside of me. Whenever I wake up, I dread going to work. When I'm in work, I just want to sleep, not feeling the same me and I can't wait to go home even if there's nothing to do.

Words like envious or jealous keep flashing on my mind. Maybe that's why. I keep comparing myself to others. Maybe, I'm just tired. I want to cry but I can't cry. What is wrong with me. Is it the meds? I can't tell others because i know they'll worry. Maybe I just needed a breather. I must not dwell on this. It's not healthy.

Cheer up self! Everything's gonna be okay :)

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What is Love?

I don’t know how and where to start this but I wonder. Is it a feeling, a choice or perhaps a gift? From the book of Corinthians, love is a character, it is the greatest of all. When you ask a person how they feel to a person they like, they say they love them. As a cliché quote says, love makes the world go round.

When you say love, people thinks the romantic love, the love you feel about the other person but love has different types. You can never measure love with only what we see in the movies or dramas. We observe love in our everyday life. As a Christian, I believe love comes from God. The bible is a testimony from that. In worldly POV, love is complicated. Can we say we love a person but our action contradicts it?

I’m no expert in romantic kind of love as I’m NBSB. Sometimes I hope to experience it, sometimes not especially when I see couples not happy with each other. Other people pressure me to find a partner but I have my beliefs. I just hope there’s someone out there for me, praying for me, hoping to meet him soon. Even if I don’t have a special someone, I’m abundant in friendship and family love. It fills the void, maybe that’s why I’m not into romantic love. I’m contented with what I have.

So, what is it exactly? I still can’t define love in my own words but I say, it is what keeps us going.