What have you done?

This is my blog I express my feelings in poetry I type my thoughts out This serves as a cryptic diary of sorts (sometimes not so cryptic)

[annsara126]

Leave the past behind

I was very unhappy and I had an Instagram account to document my unhappiness. I was so broken. I tried so many things to fix myself.

Nothing worked. I picked up new hobbies tried to workout regularly. I tried very hard not to focus on the negative.

Only the positives.

It isn't easy.

I'd ask myself:

What is wrong with you? What happened to you? You used to work well under pressure. But now you are crumbling barely able to hold on. What is it. Let's find it and fix it. It'll all be better.

Let's move. The problem is with the work you do. This is not you. The people are toxic too. They want you to fail.

I moved and I fell even harder and faster. I tried. I really did. Nothing could make me move. Being paralysed by fear is horrible.

I've lost myself.

I was confident. I was happy. I learnt new things and I applied those things. I was able to make a difference. I had finally found what I was good at. Life was good.

Losing that part of me really didn't help.

I wanted to take a break, sort my affairs out. Declutter my space and declutter my mind. But it is not working.

I feel like I am in a jello well. The weight of my loss and the pain it caused me is weighing me down. The jello can't hold me up. I'm falling deeper and the pit is getting wider the more I try to climb out.

My days are spent watching shows and movies. Afraid to do anything because the confidence I built seemed to have been built on the sand. And as time passes the sand slowly seeps away leaving the ground uneven.

It's all a balancing act. Don't move it'll all collapse.

I have had enough!

I don't want to balance any more shit.

I want out and I want it now!

It's hard. Very hard. But I need it.

I have about half a month. I need to sort my shit out and move.

It's time to leave the past behind!

[annsara126]

Come sit. Let's talk.

Let's open our hearts and let to passion flow.

Whiskey in hand and the world on my mind.

Let's talk about history, art, music, literature and travel.

Let me see the world through your eyes.

Hear my thoughts and challenge me.

Tell me why the earth is round.

[annsara126]

"Husband and wife should come together to craft a shared life, procreating children, seeing all things as shared between them-with nothing withheld or private to one another-not even their bodies. The birth of a human being which results from this union is, to be sure, something wonderful-but it isn't yet enough to account for the relationship of husband and wife-since even outside marriage it could result from any other sexual union ( just as in the case of animals). So, in marriage there must be, above all, perfect companionship and mutual love - both in sickness, health and under all conditions-it should be with desire for this (and children) that both entered upon marriage" --- Gaius Musonius Rufus

[annsara126]

Today I thought of you. And I miss you.

I wish you didn't give up.

I wish you were here.

You'd know what to say and what to do.

I miss you.

I miss Boo too!

I'm sad we don't talk anymore.

[annsara126]

The Stork

From the time I was 15 I've said I don't want children of my own. Not because of any aesthetic reasons nor the pain of child birth. I just didn't want the responsibility. A child is truly a gift from God. A blank human that is formed by the DNA from two other humans. As parents your duty is to raise proper humans that are considerate, compassionate, educated, well-rounded and eventually self sufficient beings that will then be capable to repeat the process.

What happens when what you did as a parent wasn't sufficient? These humans grow up to be assholes the real bottom dwellers of the society. Which then in-turn raises the question and the debate of societal norms and practices and who dictates them and why do we adhere to these norms. All that aside, our duty as humans is to make this Earth a liveable place for us and the generations to come.

I personally don't think the earth is livable. The Earth is heavily polluted. The people are all constantly under pressure. Mental instability is at its highest. These pressures that are put upon people due to material wants that sometimes get confused as needs and the comparison of what the next person has.

We have to keep up with the times. Technology is advancing at an incredible rate that makes things obsolete fast meaning the thousands you spend on education isn't worth anything eventually.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The truth is, I can't bear to see children suffer. If some random child is suffering I feel for the child. I may even cry. And then I wonder if that was my child what would I do? I cry more just thinking of that.

I tell my mom I don't want children and she says I'm not human. I'm human and that's why I don't want them. I can't bear to put my babies through crazy education systems and tell them that because of your skin color you need to work twice as hard. Send them for all sorts of activities to "develop their brains" . Between all these educational enrichment still make time for them to have "fun" to develop their sense of wonder and creativity also through a structured class.

All this so that the "good" grade they get allows them to go towards the better things in life. If a disease or the pressures of the world don't force then into doing something unthinkable that results in death.

Life isn't fair and we don't get all the things we want. I will try, with all that I have to give my children the best life. I pray for strength, physical and mental. I pray for stability of mind and matters. I pray for good health and wealth. And lastly and most importantly, I pray for a loving, God- knowing, God fearing, grounded, healthy, caring and compassionate, driven and enthusiastic man to share my life with. A man who will support me and our children no matter what.

A man who sees my fears and reassures me that through Christ we can do anything.

Life is hard and all we have is prayer and faith that God's plan will be unveiled to us through the lives we lead.

When the stork comes I shall be ready.

[annsara126]

I made a decision never to have kids only because I know I'll become my mother. I can't believe this is the fight I keep having with her. Why I'm not married. I don't think that this is a milestone in our life that we have to celebrate. I don't think it is something I want.

Actually it was something I want and now because of how it is being put to me. I'm so annoyed and opposed to it. I can't even think of having a married life because of all the horror stories I've heard.

I'm so done with life.😩

[annsara126]

Feeling absolutely shite about myself. As if I've been thrown back 15 years. Angst, hate, suffocation. Eye constantly welling up with tears. A million things going through my brain. Being an adult is hard. Don't ever rush to grow up. It's the worst. I just want to cry.

[annsara126]

Between a rock and a hard place

Having a major anxiety attack right now. Must be this bloody arrange marriage. I have never understood the phrase between a rock and a hard place. I feel it now. I really can't breathe. And I I feel like I can't tell anyone about how I feel. On one side my mom is planning my wedding in her head on the other side the guy has no fucking idea if this will happen which is giving me doubts too. I am really feeling like I'm being squashed by the 2. Where do I go from here? I don't want to disappoint my mother by telling the guy off. And on the other hand waiting for him to reply is giving me anxiety. Feeling like a stupid teen waiting on her crush to reply.

I find myself secretly hoping for this to work out. But I am also questioning my motives...

Do I like him and that's why I want it to work out? OR is it that he seems like the most sane and the most tolerable of them all?

Whatever it may be... it is messing with me.

I NEED THIS TO STOP.

[annsara126]

I'm do done with my life and my mother. I can't function anymore. I've not got a job in forever and I'm tired of people trying to get me to apply for jobs. Yes I'm applying. No one is hiring me. If you have a job you can recommend me for I'll take it. Otherwise stop trying to "help".

I just really want to get away. I don't want to stay here or be here or anywhere here. I'm so fed up with my life.

This is honestly the most depressed I've ever been. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to.

I'd rather die.

[annsara126]

Love

Have you ever heard something that suddenly resonates with every fiber of your being?

I love the idea of love. But for some reason Valentine's day was the worst thing that's ever been celebrated in my opinion. I'm against it.

Today I heard a sermon. The pastor spoke about Valentine's day and love. He said that people get flowers and chocolates for Valentine's day and some spouse get annoyed when they don't receive these things. And the love lasts as long as the flowers and chocolates. All the celebrations cheapen the purity, gravity, and complexity of love.

I found it hard to put into words what I thought of my ideal love until now. I want a love that lasts forever. A love that is felt for generations. I don't want flowers and chocolates on Valentine's day. I want a love that is caring, understanding, fulfilling, filled with genuine emotions, supportive, fun and playful. A love that is Christ centered.

Amen. 🙏🏽❤️

[annsara126]

Trial and Error

I'm starting something new. I'm quite weary of it cos it affects a whole lot of things in my life. But I've closed myself off for too long. It's time to try something new.

So everything in life is trial and error. Or at least that's how I see life. We try something and we see how it works out. If it's good we continue doing it until it fails and we love on to the next.

I am not waiting this time. Hot and cold isn't helping me right now. Hot and cold could possibly lead to a bad burn. Moving on. We've got no time to wait. I'm done with your games. Never again.

FUCKOFF ASSHOLE!

[annsara126]

I'm annoyed with myself. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I need. There are days that I fear to Pray.

I tell everyone that my Faith is unshakable. I love my God and He has saved me. I know this. It wasn't easy. But I found Him.

Somehow I always am afraid to pray. I don't know why? I know the power of prayer. I know God does things in His time. I truly believe that. But prayer is strong and it scares me. I'm scared to ask for things when I have been bad.

Today I had some amazing news. And quickly under my breath and in my head I PRAYED. Not much. Just a quick thank you. Thank you for making my day better. Thank you for showing me I can. I felt like every cell in and on my body was grateful.

Today I'm not hungry. Even with the good news I feel numb. Like something isn't settling well. It's good to know that others feel the same way too. I'm at that point where I am looking for more that a quick fuck. I need a forever fuck. Haha!

I'm putting it out there. In to the universe...

I want to find my forever man NOW.

I want to be happy NOW AND FOREVER

I want to enjoy life.

👻💩👸🏽🧚🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️💁🏽‍♀️🙆🏽‍♀️💆🏽‍♀️🧖🏽‍♀️💑👨‍👩‍👧‍👦❤️

[annsara126]

We're here now

2 years to 30.

Wow... 3 full decades on this planet. That's a lot! But now let's concentrate on what's happening in the 2 years.what am I going to do?

Every new year we make resolutions to be a better person. This year I'm just going to be me. I'm going to do what I want to do and when I want to do it.

As I stood in church I prayed for me to be financially independent with a great job. I prayed that I make my mom happy. I prayed for the well being of my parents. I prayed that my nieces are happy and healthy. I prayed for my cousin to be financially stable. I prayed for my uncle in London and his family. I prayed for all my loved ones and realized my circle is small and I love them all soo much.

I prayed for God's plan in my life, that I may follow His plan for me and become a better Christian.

I'm not going to let the little things slow me down. I'm going to do things I want to do. I'm making it outta this mess and I'm going to do it right.

I pray for that job. Because it is what I want. I am still praying.

Maybe it's time to leave this place. All in His time and according to His plan.

[annsara126]

Fat

Why is everything a competition?

Why do we compare ourselves to the next person. And knowing we're better off than them makes us feel better? Are we so flawed that we have to compare ourselves to the next person? And what happens when we don't match up? What if we fall short? Were those our goals? Or we set goals based on someone else's success?

I told you I lost weight. And you say I haven't ... You go behind my back tell someone else I'm fat. Why? So what? How are my fats affecting your existence? It doesn't? Then move along!

I learnt that I cannot take these comments from people. And instead of confronting the person I find a flaw in them and I perch myself a on that high Branch as I watch you mock me. Knowing in my heart that I'm better hence I'm here. You shouldn't be speaking cos you've got flaws I know but I won't say out. I know your child is fat too. I know that you lack experience. I know you are a hypocrite. I know I'm good. I know I'm better than you. I just know and I'll pacify myself with that the judgement I possess.

But who am I to judge? Am I being the hypocrite? I say that I don't judge as it isn't my place to judge but only He can judge us.

I've lost weight. I know my job. I've tried my best. I'm struggling right now. Please help me. Do not mock me. But be my friend.

[thepowerwithin]

To love another must not sacrifice the love for yourself. Inside, you too must remain whole. You must continue to support yourself even as you support another. And in turn, the love you receive should help lift you up, hold you secure, and accept you for all that you are.

Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin | Instagram

[annsara126]

💜💜💜

[annsara126]

I heard it out loud

I want it now

Today I heard something. It was always in the back of my head. I've always wanted to do it. Someone said it to me. Pitched it. I want it! I will get it! I want it now! I can't wait to see it all fall in place. I see it. It's just there. I need to make it happen.

[annsara126]

What is going on?

I did it... I was so scared of doing it but I did it. I couldn't stand to just wait around hoping for something new to come save me. I just jumped. Out of the boat. I've got a life jacket. But not sure how it'll help me. I can swim... But what happens when my legs get tired? For now I'm just floating by. Too scared to move a muscle. What if I get tired? What direction do I go in? I'm scared. I can't speak. I'm just stuck here. I can't move.

I can't breathe.